Asher reappeared in the void, letting out a surprised yelp as a space whale flew directly toward him. The creature phased through Asher as if he weren’t even there and continued its majestic journey through the cosmos. Asher watched the creature for a few minutes, the idea of a flying whale being too incredible to ignore, before returning to a familiar reel of film that seemed to stretch out for eternity. It’d been several years since Asher had returned to this place. Being here again felt familiar, like being with an old friend, but it also filled him with unease, reminding him of the thousands of years he’d floated across the void, drifting through time, never aging, never ceasing to be. Asher’s thoughts were interrupted as a portion of the film sizzled and burst into flames. The film crumbled to dust, but even before the blackened debris could blow away on some unseen breeze, new strips of celluloid emerged from the charred stump like seeds growing from a fallen oak tree.

Asher walked over to the new roll of film and examined it. The scene in the film detailed the life he’d just experienced with Alexis. Asher smiled as he walked beside the film, reminiscing about the time he’d spent with his second wife. Alexis had been great, but if Asher ever had to wake up again at 5:00 AM to go running, he would strangle whoever suggested it. But even as he reminisced, stopping to watch the scene where Alexis won her first gold medal and the following scene where they’d made out in celebration, Asher felt like something was missing. But what? What did Alexis not have that he wanted? What had Sarah been missing?

Asher turned on his heels and began walking back the way he came, leaving behind his life as an early 30-something, heading back towards his mid-20s, and finally returning to his teenage years. Asher stared at the film, watching a younger version of himself flirt with a cacophony of attractive young ladies. Asher didn’t know what his former wives had been lacking, but he had all the time in the world to find out.

XXX

Asher was 14 again, full of life, spunk, and a teenage boy’s desire to kiss girls. But instead of rushing to school to find a new skirt to chase after, he was sitting in his room playing video games. Asher had lost or misplaced several of his old gaming consoles when he’d gone off to college, so it was warmly nostalgic to be able to replay games that he’d cherished as a kid and had thought were lost to time.

Even though video games were fun, Asher still preferred to spend his time around women—no surprises there. It was because he loved those XX chromosomes so much that Asher had decided it might behoove him to pump the brakes just a tad and evaluate his options before jumping into a new relationship.

Each woman Asher ended up dating and marrying would become a huge time investment, literally decades of his life. Because of this, he didn’t want to be hasty and pick someone who’d make him miserable, or worse, a woman who aged and got ugly prematurely. Asher knew he could technically return to the void and reset if he ended up with a dud, but like with his video games, he enjoyed a challenge. Asher wanted to use his intellect and observation skills to pick the right girl on the first try. It kept things exciting and added stakes to the game.

“Ashy-poo, are you in there?” Asher perked up at the sound of his sweet Gramma Ethel as she opened the door to his room. Her wizened features broke into a serene smile as she locked eyes with her grandson.

Asher jumped off the bed and wrapped his gramma in a hug. It was still incredible to see her alive after all these years. Asher had sworn to himself that he wouldn’t break down crying again, but wrapping her in a hug always made his heart feel lighter.

“It’s Wednesday, so I’m off to church,” continued his grandmother, exiting Asher’s hug and tussling his hair. “Would you like to come with me?”

“Church?” Scoffed Asher, “Organized religion is opium for the masses.” Asher didn’t know what that expression meant, but he’d heard it somewhere, and it sounded smart. Gramma Ethel narrowed her eyes at the young man, clearly displeased with the Asher, and flashed him the look, you know the one. “Uh, what I meant to say,” continued Asher, quickly backpedaling, “I’ll wait for you in the car.” Asher ran past his grandmother and out to her idling vehicle, hoping to avoid a scolding if he tagged along. It was just one night of church; he could deal with it…probably.

XXX

“Okay, boys and girls!” shouted Isaac ‘Sinless’ Matthews, the church’s resident youth pastor who tried way too hard to be hip. Now, take that whipped cream and shove it in your neighbor’s face!”

Asher tried to dodge out of the way, but his neighbor slammed a palm full of creamy, processed sugar into his face before he could move. Asher snarled as the whipped cream got into his carefully styled hair and quickly returned the favor, squirting a can of the cream up the offending boy’s nose.

“Now remember, kids,” continued Isaac as he dabbed in front of his Bible. Just like how the whipped cream gets everywhere, the love of Jesus covers every part of us, too!”

The kids groaned at the lame analogy. Isaac quickly flipped to another page in his Bible as he continued the lesson, looking smug like he’d just given The Sermon on the Mount.

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“Uh, excuse me,” asked a kid, raising their hand. “My goldfish died the other week. Is it in heaven right now?”

What a dumb question, thought Asher, wiping whipped cream from his eyes as he sought out the source of the speaker. It was a girl, realized Asher, suddenly interested, and not a bad-looking one either, donning pigtails and a pair of thick glasses. Sure, she wasn’t exactly a hottie like Alexis had been, but she was cute in a sheltered home-school sort of way.

“Will it be in heaven?” Repeated Isaac with a chuckle. “Of course not, and statistically, 70% of you kiddos are gonna leave the church after you turn 18, so most of you guys are gonna be in Hell with the fish.”

The girl lowered her hand, looking mortified. I’ve never gone out with a church girl, pondered Asher, watching the girl from the corner of his eye as Isaac started another weird analogy. That could be fun.

Asher excused himself to go to the bathroom. He waited outside the classroom door for a few minutes and, upon reentering, made a casual showing of trying to find a place to sit. Seemingly unable to find anywhere else, he settled beside the girl who’d asked about her dead fish. “Hey, how’s it goin’?” Asked Asher, sitting down and leaning back in his chair. I’m Asher, but you can call me Will, God’s will.”

“I’m trying to listen to the service,” the girl replied, not even looking at him. “Can you wait to talk until after Pastor Isaac is done teaching?”

Playing hard to get? That was Asher’s favorite. “I think Pastor Isaac is a great teacher,” lied Asher, scooching closer, “You wanna hang out after church and discuss the lesson?”

“You’re on my sin gloves,” replied the girl, moving away from him.”

“Your what?”

The girl pointed down at a pair of white gloves sitting at her side. “Sin gloves,” she repeated like it was the most natural thing in the world. “They keep me safe from sin in case I accidentally come into contact with a boy.

That triggered something in Asher’s memory. He remembered this girl. “Esther?” He asked, recalling the hundreds of times he’d seen her in church. He’d never spoken more than a few sentences to her, but he knew she and her family were here whenever the church doors were open.”

Esther nodded. “Hi, Asher,” she replied, finally looking at him. Her face was round like the moon, and her bright green eyes twinkled in the overhead lights. “If you’re going to be talking during the service,” she continued, donning her sin gloves while frowning at Asher, “can you please do it somewhere else?”

Asher nodded, raising his hands in surrender as he turned around and pretended to be interested in Isaac’s boring lesson. From what he remembered, Esther was a church girl through and through, so if he was gonna get to her, he’d have to don the mask again and be the best church boy possible, no matter how much the thought repulsed him. “When in Rome,” muttered Asher, reaching for a bible and flipping through it. He wasn’t sure where he’d heard the phrase, but Asher was pretty sure Jesus had said it.

XXX

And so Asher pretended to become the ideal church boy. Thinking back to his 18 years of mandatory church attendance, courtesy of his grandmother, Asher made a list of all the things he knew would make the church gals swoon.

“Wow, Asher, you’re incredible!” Gawked a pretty brunette as Asher lifted dozens of folding chairs simultaneously. It was a well-known fact in southern churches that a man’s true worth was measured by how many folding chairs they could carry at once. Asher didn’t know why, but that’s just how it was.

“I may be strong,” grunted Asher, putting on a big show as he set up the chairs for the evening service. But Psalm 28:7 tells us that the Lord is our true strength!”

From the corner of his eye, Asher spotted Esther watching with rapt attention as he lifted another folding chair. Their eyes locked for a split second, and Esther quickly looked away, blushing furiously. Asher grinned, Esther was going to be a tough religious nutjob to crack, but he had all the time in the world to keep chipping away at her.

Recalling their time together as teenagers, Asher knew that if Esther wasn’t at school, then she’d be at church. Coincidentally, Asher had a sudden interest in being at church more often too. Besides seeing Esther, another positive of attending church was how happy it made his grandmother. “My little boy is going to be a pastor someday!” Cooed Gramma Ethel as Asher asked for the third time that week if she could drive him to church.

As the days turned to weeks turned to months, Asher continued his churchformation. He wore Christian t-shirts with cheesy catchphrases, played guitar for the church’s worship team, and was always ready to volunteer at his local soup kitchen (at least when Esther was also volunteering).

The shift was gradual, Asher knew that Esther had little to no exposure to the opposite sex, but it was happening. Slowly, very, very slowly, all women fell victim to the Brandy charm. He would spot Esther out of the corner of his eye, staring at him during bible study; she and her family would sit closer to him and his grandmother during the Sunday service, and whenever Asher lifted multiple folding chairs at once, she became flustered, tugging absentmindedly at her sin gloves as if they were stifling and she wanted to yank them off.

“And that’s why Jesus said that murder is in,” proclaimed Youth Pastor Isaac as he preached the evening message from his cheap wooden pulpit. He squinted at his notes and adjusted his glasses. “Oops, my mistake,” he said, flipping his notes around. “I meant, sin, don’t do it.”

The door to the church’s main sanctuary opened, and parents began to trickle in, signaling that it was time to end the service. “Well, that’s it for this week,” continued Isaac, smiling at all the teens in attendance, “but before we go, Esther had something she wanted to share with you all.”

Esther stood from her seat and shuffled to the front of the room, a stack of flyers in her hands. “Uh, h-hi, everyone,” she stammered, staring nervously at the crowd of bored-looking students. “It’s almost summer, so that means we need to start finding volunteers for this year’s mission trip. Is anyone interested in signing up”

No response; a few of the kids yawned loudly. “C’mon gang,” said Isaac, trying to hype up Esther as he did the Harlem Shake. “A three-week trip to Guatemala to dig wells in the scorching heat, doesn’t that sound tubular!?” Silence. Esther stared down at her shoes, looking crushed.

Asher had never gone on a mission trip; he had a life, after all, but this time, he had something to gain from the experience. “I’ll go,” said Asher, raising his hand and projecting his voice so the whole room could hear.

“Radical!” Exclaimed Isaac as he attempted to floss. “It’s great to see you finally get involved with a service project, Asher.”

“What can I say?” Replied Asher with a grin, “We’ve got a guatemalata souls to save for Christ.”

Everyone booed, even Pastor Isaac. Everyone except for Esther, who flashed him a small and grateful smile. That was the only person whose opinion Asher cared about.