Asher should’ve realized this from the get-go, but because he was dating a hyper-religious girl like Esther, he was at church, like all the time, like even more than he already had been. In order to retain his sanity through the hundreds of church services he was now forced to attend, Asher had quickly mastered the art of sleeping with his eyes open, and occasionally grunting “amen,” when it seemed appropriate. Though if Asher was being honest, church wasn’t that bad, even if it was boring. Church was familiar, it reminded him of his family. After all, his sweet Gramma Ethel had made him attend Sunday service for almost 18 years. He could tolerate going again for a few years at least, and if nothing else, it made Esther happy and it was a good place to take a nap.

Speaking of Esther, she was one of the sweetest girls Asher had ever dated; if Sarah was a cupcake and Alexis was a tart, Esther was pure sugar, almost too sweet to handle. Nice as she was though, dating Esther did require a lot of…adjustments to Asher’s life. One thing Asher couldn’t stand were Esther’s friends. Surprise, surprise, all of Esther’s friends went to church with them, and Asher had forgotten just how sheltered and awkward church kids often were.

“My mom let me stay up till’ 10:30 last night!” Bragged Brody Lameson as he took a quick hit of his inhaler. Asher fought and failed not to roll his eyes as the other kids sitting with them gasped in shock and envy.

“Oh yeah?” Countered Patricia Phat, her braces and headgear making saliva fly from her mouth with every uttered syllable, “My dad said if I got straight A’s I could say a single swear word.” Everyone leaned in close to Patricia, expectant. “I said, shoot.” She continued with a self-satisfied grin.”

The small crowd of kids gaped in awe at Patricia’s rebel spirit, Asher groaned inwardly. He was going to have to teach these kids how to live a little. The second they grew up and saw someone doing drugs or saying an actual swear word, they’d probably die of shock. Asher wouldn’t corrupt them so much as to have them smoke cigarettes or jaywalk, but he’d at least peer pressure them into watching a PG movie.

Speaking of needing to live a little; Asher’s eyes drifted over at Esther, she was sitting beside Asher and holding his hand, a content look on her face as she listened to their friend’s conversation. Dating Esther had required Asher to sanitize a lot of his behaviors; anytime he said or did anything that Esther considered paganistic or sinful, she’d burst into tears and start praying for his eternal soul. The last time Asher had said, “this sucks.”, she’d forced him to start saying, “this vacuums,” instead. It was a little annoying, but Asher had lots of experience with women. If he wanted these next few years of his life to be peaceful, instead of bucking up and fighting for his right to say swear words, it would be easier just to fall in line and do what made her happy. After all, he’d lived his entire first life doing what he wanted, it might be interesting to let someone else take the reigns for a while.

Despite these rough edges in their relationship, Asher still liked Esther quite a lot. She was loyal, affectionate, and quite the looker (at least in a pure church girl sort of way), but they’d made zero progress relationally. And by this, he meant zero physical progress. Asher felt like he’d had to move heaven and earth to get Esther to even hold his hand, and since then, she’d shown zero interest in advancing things further, much to Asher’s frustration. Even though Asher was potentially hundreds to thousands of years old, physically he was a teenage boy, and darn it, he wanted to hug a pretty girl and sniff her hair!

He and Alexis had been making out after their first month together, and Alexis only let him hold her hand when they were at church or on holidays! The one time he’d tried to give her a hug, he’d thought she was having a stroke. “Sin!” She’d screeched, scrambling out of his arms and rushing off to confess this grievous transgression to Youth Pastor Isaac.

If this was his only life and he was a normal dude, Asher would’ve never stuck with Esther. To put it bluntly, she was far too much work for too little reward. But Asher had literally all the time in the world, plus he loved a challenge. He was gonna stick with this crazy religious girl and see how far this train would take him.

XXX

The years passed slower than they had with Sarah or Alexis. Asher’s life felt like one long church service that would never end. If it was Sunday, they were at church, if it was Wednesday, church again. If it was any other day of the week, it was bible study. Asher was pretty sure he’d ended up memorizing the entire New Testament against his will.

Throughout this time, his and Esther’s relationship remained pleasant and committed, Asher had quickly come to the conclusion that Esther was the type of girl who dated one guy and married for life, so Asher wasn’t concerned about her running off with some other dude, but he was growing increasingly frustrated at the lack of physical contact between the two of them. Part of that lack of touch was because of Esther being, well, Esther, but her parents, being just as crazy and religious as their daughter, had hired a sin chaperone to watch after the two of them and make sure they didn’t get up to any funny business. During the several years of their relationship, Asher had never been alone with Esther, not even once, and to make things worse, the chaperone’s name was Christian!

After they graduated high school, Esther had decided to skip out on college, instead continuing to volunteer at the local soup kitchen while she spent her free time studying Swahili in preparation for a mission trip to Africa. Since Asher’s entire purpose for being here was Esther, he decided to stay in the area also. This being his third time around the block, Asher didn’t necessarily feel like working a 9-5 job again, so while he was still in high school, he’d invested his life savings into all sorts of companies that he knew would be successful in the near future. This had the effect of making Asher stupidly rich for his age and no longer needing to work. Since Asher had successfully escaped the rat race, he spent a lot of his spare time volunteering with Esther, or catching up on all of the video games and movies he’d never had time to watch or play as a kid.

Time continued to pass, and suddenly Asher was 21. It had officially been 7 years since he’d hugged or kissed a woman (besides his grandmother), and he had waited as long as he could wait, it was time to make a move and propose to Esther. Plus, if they were married, they could finally be rid of Christian. The dude was so weird, he never said anything, just watched them unblinkingly while holding his pocket bible in a death grip.

It was a warm night in early August, he and Esther were helping at the soup kitchen and had just finished serving their final customer for the evening, one of the kitchen’s regulars, Hobo Joe (Asher seriously doubted that was his real name, but that’s what he liked to be called). As Hobo Joe exited the kitchen, Asher’s eyes flicked across the room, noting that he and Esther were alone. Well, mostly alone. Christian was in the corner, casting judgemental glaces in their direction while he wrote a dissertation on exegesis or some religious crap.

“Are we still on for our date tomorrow?” Asked Esther, as she happily scrubbed dried out of one of the kitchen pots.

Asher nodded, “Of course, my little bible babe.” Esther’s Bible had been worn out from how much she read it, so they were planning on going to the bookstore tomorrow to find her a new one. Not Asher’s typical idea of a date, but Esther wasn’t a typical kind of girl either.

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“I know I typically read from a KJV Bible,” continued Esther, “but this time I think I’m gonna shake things up, I wanna buy an ESV.”

“Oh, you naughty girl,” retorted Asher, putting a hand to his mouth in mock surprise. “That’s a modern translation.”

“I know, I’m so bad!” Squealed Esther, far too innocent and pure to realize Asher was teasing her.

“Y’know,” continued Asher, picking up a rag to help dry the dishes, “All this talk about bibles really makes me wanna COUNT MY BLESSINGS.” Asher drew out the words, casting a significant look over toward Christian. He’d slipped the strange man a $50 bill earlier and had begged him for two minutes alone with Esther. The man stared at him, unblinking, then slowly, he stood up, gave a single curt nod of his head, and stepped into another room. Esther, still busy scrubbing away at the dishes, didn’t even notice.

“Hey Esther,” asked Asher, as he casually stretched and let out a fake yawn. “I have a question.”

Esther flashed him a wide smile. “If you have a question, just read your bible you silly billy.”

“Well, that’s the problem,” replied Asher, pretending to sound troubled, “I know that the Bible is the answer to almost everything, but the one thing it hasn’t told me is who I’ll be spending the rest of my life with.”

Esther turned to face Asher, a question on her lips. Her eyes went wide as two KJVs when she saw Asher on his knee, holding up a wedding ring.

“Wha-, wha-, wha-” droned Esther, face red and mouth open in shock.

“I read through the book of numbers,” said Asher with a grin, “and I realized I didn’t have yours. Is it hot in here or is that just the Holy Spirit burning inside you? I’m like Moses and you’re like the Red Sea, because you’re parting my heart.” Asher had spent a long time looking up cheesy Christian pick-up lines, he hadn’t been able to decide which one he preferred, so he just blew through them all at once. “Hey girl, your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead.”

Esther finally seemed to find her voice. “Asher?” She asked, seeming almost afraid this was some kind of dream she was about to wake up from.

“I love you Esther,” continued Asher, donning the mask of a romantic gentleman/church boy. “Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

“YES, YES, OH GOODNESS, YES!” Shrieked Esther, jumping up and down like a schoolgirl. “But wait,” she said, halting her girlish frollicking. “You did ask my parents for permission first, right?”

Oops, well no plan is perfect.

XXX

Unlike Alexis, who had been a very practical kind of girl, Esther pulled out all the stops for their wedding. Big chapel, hundreds of guests, beautiful white dress and a four-tier wedding cake with caricatures of Asher and Esther on the top. The wedding itself was nice, but honestly, Asher was just glad he could kiss a girl again, he’d almost forgotten what it felt like. Esther had been a nervous wreck during their first kiss, her lips clammy like ham that’d been left out in the sun, but whatever, Asher was a man dying of thirst, he wouldn’t turn down a few drops of water.

Before the ink on their marriage certificate even had time to dry, the newly weds hopped on a plan and were off to Africa. Esther, being true to her word, had decided that she and Asher were going to work as missionaries out in a jungle somewhere, potentially for the next several decades.

“Ooh, what do you think about this hut?” Inquired Esther, showing Asher a brochure of the African tribe where they’d be living. Asher’s latest wife was brimming with excitement, appearing almost as excited about their missionary trip as when Asher had proposed to her. Asher smiled and played along, but on the inside, he was far less enthusiastic; the idea of living in the rainforest or some third-world slum wasn’t exactly appealing, and he would miss his creature comforts. But again, he was committed to sticking it out with Esther (at least for now), he wanted to see where this relationship went. Plus, he was so starved for physical touch and affection, that he wanted to wait awhile before starting fresh with another girl.

After several connecting flights, the newlyweds finally made it to Africa. It was more like America than Asher had expected, but according to Esther, that was because their plane had landed in one of the more populous cities. “It’ll get more rustic the further out we go,” Esther had explained.

It was already late when they checked into their hotel and tomorrow was going to be extremely busy. They’d be traveling by riverboat into a secluded village, which would take several hours, and then spend the next several years sharing the gospel with the natives. Asher, exhausted from the long plane ride, flopped onto the hotel bed, mentally recalling all the linguist lessons Esther had made him take in advance for their meeting with the native tribe, The Notrealicans.

Something fell in the hotel bathroom, clattering to the floor. Asher lifted his head off his comfy pillow but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. Ever since arriving at the hotel, Esther had been acting weird, well, she was already weird, but weird in a different way. She’d holed herself up in the bathroom for the last hour, and he could hear her moving around and muttering to herself, the rambling occasionally broken up by a staccato hiccup. Asher figured she was just being a woman, but his curiosity finally got the better of him.

“Esther?” No response. Asher got up from their bed and approached the bathroom door, turning the door handle. It was unlocked. Cautiously, he pushed the door open and peered inside.

His wife was sitting on the edge of the hotel’s bathtub, she was wearing a skimpy nightgown and was holding a mostly empty bottle of something in her hand. Asher took an instinctive step back. He’d never seen so much of Esther before, she was always so pure and modest, that it made him feel dirty seeing her exposed shoulders. He had to remind himself that they were married and as her husband, he was entitled to seeing a whole lot more.

“Heeeeey baaabyyyy,” said Esther in greeting, her words slurring together before she let out a very unladlylike belch. “Wanna see my twin gazelles as they graze across the lilies?”

“A-are you drunk?” Asher sniffed the air, the scent of cheap grocerystore juice flooding his nostrils. Had she gotten intoxicated from drinking grape juice?! Esther truly was too pure for this world.

“It’s liquiiiiid couragggeee,” she replied, lifting the bottle of juice and downing the rest of the concoction. “Ugh, it tastessssss like ssssinnn,” she continued, scrunching up her face with displeasure, “Buuuut I neeed heellllp.”

“Help? Do you need a doctor?” Asher reached for his phone, but Esther, with surprising speed and grace, jumped up from the rim of the tub and grabbed his hand.

“I’m okay.” She said, eyes a little clouded, but her voice suddenly clear. “I just needed a bit of help before we started.”

“Started?”

Esther started to laugh, and it turned into another burp. She looked like she might throw up. “We’re married Asher,” she continued, that means we need to be fruitful and multiply.”

Asher had been to church enough times to see where this was going. “Wait,” said Asher, pulling himself away from Esther, “you wanna have kids, like right now?”

Esther hiccuped, a flirtatious smile breaking across her face. “Step into my garden, babe!”

She lunged at Asher, he wasn’t proud to admit it, but he screamed in terror, sidestepping the drunken woman as she stumbled out of the bathroom and flopped gracelessly onto the bed.

“Why don’t we try for kids some other time?” Asked Asher, slowly inching towards their room’s door and only exit. “We’ve got our whole lives together to start a family.”

“But we’re already 22!” exclaimed Esther, stumbling off the bed and grabbing for a bible. “Mary was 15 when she had a child!”

“Yeah, but we’re not trying to have Jesus!”

Esther picked herself off the bed and lunged again, Asher yanked open the hotel room’s door and sprinted out of the room, terrified at the thought of having children. He wasn’t ready for Esther to get stretch marks, for the two of them to be old before their time, for Asher to get gray hairs from the stress of fatherhood!

He cast a pitious look back at their hotel room, Esther was stumbling after him, peppering Asher with cheesy bible pick-up lines. He took a moment to appreciate his wife’s skimpy outfit and full form, but turned his head away, fighting the temptation of a beautiful woman throwing herself at him. He and Esther had just gotten married, they were technically on their honeymoon, he’d wanted to enjoy himself, so why’d she have to ruin it by wanting kids?

“This vacuums!” He muttered to himself, before taking a purposeful stride forward, re-entering the void and leaving his third wife behind.