Asher opened his eyes and found himself floating inside a blank white void, nothingness stretching endlessly across the horizon. Oh, thank goodness, I'm dead, was the man's first thought as he came to grips with his mortality. Being dead, while inconvenient in some ways, also meant no more aging spouse and, most importantly, no children. Asher was near giddy with relief; if he'd realized death was such an easy exit from his obligations, he would've jumped off a boat years ago when Sarah first developed laugh lines.
Asher grinned, doing cartwheels in the air as he floated in the nothing, reveling in his freedom. While being dead at 33 meant he hadn't exactly lived a long life, he still believed he'd had a decent run of things. Valedictorian, quarterback of his high school football team, a successful career, women constantly pining for his affection, a gorgeous wife (at least for the first few years of marriage); honestly, everything had gone pretty well for Asher, he was okay with things ending on a high note.
With that settled, Asher got comfortable and just floated there, drifting aimlessly through the void, with nothing to see and nothing to do. It was peaceful, tranquil…it was boring! Asher checked his watch, thankful all his clothes and effects had traveled with him to the afterlife. He'd been floating here for almost fifteen minutes and had no idea how he would stay sane if all he could do was bum around for the rest of time.
If he concentrated really hard, Asher realized he could move his body up and down through the void, almost like he was flying. Scrunching his face as he focused, Asher forced himself downwards, trying to find the ground or some semblance of it. He was surprised when his feet hit something solid; although the white void gave no hint there was now Earth beneath Asher's feet, everything was still white and featureless.
With nothing else to do, Asher took a step forward, determined to explore his new surroundings and find something stimulating to do with his time. Boom! The void exploded in a burst of light, color, and sound. From seemingly everywhere at once, a rainbow of stimuli assaulted Asher, causing him to cry out in surprise and fall back on his rear. Then, just as suddenly, it was over. Asher stared wide-eyed at the space around him; in the span of mere moments, the featureless white void was now a starry night sky filled with twinkling comets, looming gas giants, and alien creatures swimming through the space as if it were made of water, it was utterly awe-inspiring. Asher's first concern on taking it all in was that he couldn't breathe in space, but he laughed at himself a moment later when he remembered he was already dead, so oxygen was no longer a concern. Asher wasn't sure what all these random sights and sounds had to do with being dead, but at least there was something to look at besides white infinity.
His ears perked up at the sound of a film projector whirring behind him, a strange thing to hear in the void of space. Asher remembered from school that sound couldn't travel in space because it was a vacuum, but he was dead, so he wasn't going to ask questions. Turning around, Asher didn't see a projector but a reel of old-fashioned celluloid film, each piece of film looking as big as a house and the pieces seeming to extend endlessly from left to right. The film strips sped past Asher's face, and it was nearly impossible to make out any detail. One of the images Asher could make out was a massive explosion, more grand in scale than anything he'd ever thought possible. Suddenly, he saw Dinosaurs roaming the earth, and moments later, cavemen huddled beneath an outcropping of rocks for shelter. Then there were steam engines, spaceships, a very handsome-looking baby, a very handsome-looking adolescent boy, and a very handsome teenage boy. Asher nodded appreciatively at the young man; there was a fellow who probably got all the ladies. Asher's eyes widened as he suddenly realized what was passing across the film; he was watching a younger version of himself!
As if reacting to his thoughts, the film came to a screeching halt, stopping on a strip that showed Asher as a teenager. The film rippled and warped as if dipped in water, but nothing else happened. Asher stared at the film, a little overwhelmed at everything he'd just witnessed. He was pretty sure he'd just witnessed the creation of the universe and all of time itself bypass him in a matter of moments, and now, he was staring at God's greatest creation in all the cosmos, himself.
Asher scrutinized the film, getting a better look at his teenage doppelganger. He had short brown hair, was wearing a football uniform, and had a huge grin plastered on his face. Asher smiled warmly, recalling the exact moment this would have been in his life. He placed a nostalgic hand on the film and gasped as his fingers passed through it like nothing was there. Light poured out of the cellulite as if Asher had punctured some kind of cosmic veil, and before he could utter another syllable of surprise, he was sucked inside.
XXX
Asher blinked, opening his eyes and having to shut them again almost immediately. The stadium lights were almost blinding. "Heads up, Ash!"
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Asher cracked open his eyes a fraction, looking just in time to see a football hurtling towards him. Instinct took over, and Asher leaped into the air, deftly handling the ball and stopping its momentum. With his eyes starting to adjust, Asher looked around, realizing he was no longer in that strange, endless void but standing on a football field. At the same time, his ears perked up at the screaming of a crowd, and his nose was filled with the scent of sweat and freshly clipped grass. Looking down, he saw he was wearing a football uniform and recognized the red and white colors of his high school's old mascot, the Funky Phoenix!
It all came back to Asher in a flash; he was in high school again, and stealing a glance up at the scoreboard and seeing the opposing team, the Wicked Wombats, Asher remembered this was the game where he'd scored the winning touchdown and brought his team to nationals. Asher smiled at the memory, the rush of victory, the adoration of his peers and teammates, and most importantly, all the girls who'd wanted to smooch him afterward.
"Get your head in the game, dude!" Asher snapped out of his reverie just in time to see the enemy team rushing towards him, eyes trained on the football resting in his hands. All Asher had time to do was let out a gasp of surprise before he was hit by what felt like a giant testosterone-ridden truck.
Asher braced himself, expecting to slam into the ground, but was surprised to find himself floating back in the void, albeit now he was wearing a grass-stained football uniform. Asher touched his chin in thought, trying to understand the significance of what had just happened. For a moment, he'd been back in high school; he'd been a kid again. Asher stared at his hands, realizing they were smaller than he remembered, and gasped when he saw that everything about him was smaller; he hadn't just re-experienced his teenage years; he was a teenager again!
The reeel of film floating in front of Asher began to smoke and sizzle before bursting into flame. Asher watched, transfixed, as the film was quickly reduced to cinders and floated away on some unseen breeze. Asher floated over to what was left of the film, noting that all of the cellulite prior to his football game was undamaged, but everything after had been destroyed. Suddenly, new film shot out of the smoldering stump, like a limb magically regrowing. Asher leaped back in surprise, watching as the new film extended across the horizon, quickly stretching out further than Asher could see.
Curious, Asher examined the new piece of film, confused to see that the story of his life was no longer playing out how he remembered. After Asher had scored the game-winning touchdown, he'd celebrated with his team, made out with one of the cheerleaders in the locker room, and ate a whole bunch of pizza. But that wasn't what he saw anymore. Instead, Asher saw a broken and defeated young man being wheeled into an ambulance, his leg splayed out at an unnatural angle, and the entire school seeming down and distraught after the defeat by the Wicked Wombats.
Asher floated down the line of film, following the story. As he did, Asher saw his teenage self back in school, hobbling around with a cast on his leg. The other students mocked and derided him, especially the girls; oh, the women folk could be so cruel. The film reel jumped forward again, and suddenly, Asher was older, much older. Asher gasped in horror as he took in what he had become; he looked to be in his early 40s; he was fat, balding, and working a 9-5 shift at his local post office. "No!" Screamed Asher, terrified as tufts of hair fell off his head and his gut extended forward several inches. Had he changed his future because he'd fumbled the winning touchdown? Did he live out the rest of his days as a maidenless loser working for the local government?
It was too much for Asher to handle; still screaming, he rushed back to the start of the football game, practically throwing himself into the film, desperate to fix this one moment that ended up having an immeasurable impact on the trajectory of his life.
"Heads up, Ash!" The football flew towards Asher, and this time, he was ready. Catching the ball, he rushed at the enemy goal line, dodging and weaving through his opponents as his teammates fought to create an opening for him.
"I'm not gonna be bald." Asher panted, his feet carrying him forward like a man possessed, "I'm not gonna be bald, I'm not gonna be bald, I'm not gonna be bald!" A final Wombat made a desperate dive towards Asher, too slow; Asher leaped several feet into the air, easily surpassing this final hurdle and landing squarely in the touchdown zone. "Yes!" Asher spiked the football into the grass, and moments later, he felt himself lifted up by his teammates as the crowd roared his name.
"Asher! Asher!" Everyone screamed as they rushed the field to congratulate him and his teammates on their hard-won victory. Asher was so happy he started to cry. This was how things were supposed to be.
The stadium lights seemed to intensify, and Asher suddenly found himself back in the void, in front of the massive reel of film. Like last time, any film after Asher's football game sizzled and burned away, replaced moments later by a new and much-preferred future. Asher patted his stomach, overjoyed that his beer gut had vanished. Next, he rubbed his head, sighing in relief when he felt his thick brown hair underhand.
"Phew!" exclaimed Asher, falling back and floating in mid-air as he admired his handiwork. In the film reel, he saw himself continuing to celebrate with his team. A few frames later, Asher was making out with the head cheerleader; he was pretty sure her name was Tina. Asher grinned. Things had been scary for a moment, but he had course-corrected, and everything was back to how it was supposed to be.