Chapter 168: How Jimmy Got his Groove Back

A loud cross between a neigh and a roar filled the air as the heat from a nearby explosion added to the rapidly warming summer morning. Following this ear-splitting boom, the sight of dozens of people fleeing for their lives became apparent as their various forms emerged from within a large cloud of smoke and ash. The entire front side of a quaint diner had crumpled into nothing, simply collapsing onto itself. And amid all of this, on the opposite side of the street, a sterile buzzing came from a downed electrical wire, which shot sparks that caused a fire to erupt and consume three small decorative trees in front of a laundromat.

Damn, Jimmy thought. That sucks.

He wasn’t referring to the destruction, although that sucked too, obviously. No, his thoughts regarded the fair bit of wine he lost as he stumbled while trying to stand up straight, causing several ounces of it to splash onto the street as well as onto the front of his already liquor-stained shirt. As Jimmy tried to regain his balance, another, even angrier neigh-roar blared out, and now, the overall sense of panic among the level-1 civilians increased tenfold.

Just when it was starting to feel like home…

There was so much about this strange world that Jimmy didn’t know. There was so much he was trying to learn in a hurry. He did know a few things, though. He knew that most of the world was only level 1, and he knew that they lived lives that weren’t all that different from people back home. For most of those on Galterra—as in, everyone on the planet but him—the existence of mobs and bosses was not a surprise. But actually seeing one out and about in the open? That, it seemed, was shocking to them. It was also probably why their reaction to the sudden emergence of a gigantic, three-story-tall horse was exactly what Jimmy would expect it to be if the thing had spawned out of nowhere in the middle of Midtown Manhattan.

“Oh my Gods!” a woman screamed as a giant hoof just smashed right down on top of her. She managed to run ahead of it but only barely; the hoof instead cracked several inches into the street and left a print of itself behind in its wake, one that took the form of a depression in the ground. “Gods, save us!”

Opposite this, a spacious, dark brown DEHV came to a halt beneath the creature, putting its terrified occupants—which in this case appeared to be a family of four—at serious, immediate risk. At first, Jimmy wasn’t sure why anyone would stop right beneath a giant monster, but then he realized the vehicle’s front-right side had actually gotten stuck in an existing crater, one too deep for it to hover itself out of.

“Take the kids!” a man screamed as he fumbled his way out of the vehicle—but not before passing two pint-sized children to a young mother. Then he and the woman, who Jimmy assumed to be his wife, scrambled down the road and also narrowly avoided being crushed as the giant horse-monster stomped down on the DEHV, causing all its windows to blow out as it became compacted like scrap.

“No!” a little girl cried to her father from the sidewalk. “Daddy!”

It seemed that, for such an unlucky event, the people of Faded Island were experiencing some pretty lucky outcomes. Ninety-nine out of one-hundred times, that little girl’s pops should’ve been dead. But not this time. Incredibly, as the tremendous, equine-like monster released twin red lasers from its eyes, both of which were aimed at the man, the terrified-looking father managed to survive the ordeal solely because, while screaming in terror, he stumbled backwards away and accidentally fell into an opened sewer grate. The lasers missed him by half an inch and instead exploded an appliance store that happened to be closed for the day, and as for the man, Jimmy heard a faint plop as he landed into the sewage below. It was probably a very unpleasant experience, but Jimmy had to imagine it was preferable to death.

I don’t think it got anybody yet, Jimmy realized as he looked around. I don’t see any dead bodies.

Call it a miracle or call it random chance: either way, it was incredible and fortunate that seemingly zero people had died so far despite the absurd amounts of damage. Even the diner having had its entire entrance blown apart did not result in any obvious casualties or injuries. Inside, a bunch of trembling men and women—a mixture of diners and staff—were clinging to one another by the back wall near the bakery beside an entrance to the kitchen. Numerous tables had been overturned or knocked onto their side, though that looked due more to people fleeing in a state of panic than because of anything this horse-thing had done.

Actually, what the hell is this thing? Jimmy wondered.

Though the creature assumed a shape that was extremely similar to that of a horse, it was very dark in appearance, its skin being black with an ominous, purplish hue. It was also wide of frame, sinewy, and had very angry eyes, from which Jimmy could see more red laser beams firing out across the street. Occasionally, it would make loud sniffing noises from its large nostrils, and whenever it happened to open its mouth, Jimmy could spot an eerie, reddish light shining out from within its throat.

HP

13,225,000/13,225,000

Name

(T9) Mare of the Primordial Void

Level

85

Jimmy stared dumbfounded at the boss’s tier. Using the trick he’d learned to approximate a boss’s true level relative to its base level and tier, he calculated it as being…uh…wow. Okay, so this was harder than it should’ve been. This shouldn’t have been difficult at all. Was he stupid or something? Why was this so hard all of a sudden? A child should be able to do this kind of math. This was like 2nd grade shit.

Wait, wait. This was easy. He could do this. Just think: tiers 7 through 9 had a base modifier of 25, right? Yeah, so then, it was nine multiplied by 25, which was uh…225! And then you add the 85 back on to get an effective level of 310. Damn, that actually took him a second to figure out. It wasn’t his fault, though. Sure, it may have been a very, very simple calculation involving only basic arithmetic, but Jimmy’s brain wasn’t exactly operating at full capacity right now.

Jimmy giggled then released another hiccup. Following this, he chugged down another gulp of wine as a swarm of people cried out in terror and desperation while running right past where he was standing. This was definitely a hell of a serious situation going on. It sure was. And the sight of it all was just terrible. Really, it was. This was nothing to be happy about. So why was Jimmy smiling and cackling?

Because this could be my chance, he thought. I can basically erase my shame if I solo it!

Jimmy knew it was a strange thing for him to be thinking, especially since it hadn’t even been a full twenty-four hours since he’d “quit” adventuring forever out of sheer humiliation and frustration, so it surprised him how strong of an impulse he felt to jump right back into things by taking on this super-powerful boss. But how could he not? It just felt so much like fate.

Seriously though, this was like God holding up a sign for him—telling him to get his dumb ass back in the game and stop being a little bitch about what happened last night. Like, just look around! How could Jimmy even possibly ignore such an opportunity? Everything was just so perfect and in place. You had a massive, gigantic boss that was only just beginning its rampage, you had people screaming and fleeing everywhere, and finally, you had Jimmy, who happened to end up in the area right as it all went down.

It was kind of like what’d happened to Zach in a sense, no?

Actually, it really was like that. Jimmy knew that Zach had been in a situation like this, and just look at how that had worked out for him. It’d transformed him into a globally known celebrity, earned him the respect of his peers, and made people take him way more seriously than they would’ve taken him otherwise. But most importantly, it stopped his fellow adventurers from questioning his competency.

Thanks to his run-in with the dragon, you never saw Donovan and Zephyr worrying that Zach was too “inexperienced” or “not ready” for this or that. Nah, never. And you know what the craziest part of it all was? He ain’t even do a single goddamn damage to the fucking thing. Jimmy knew because he’d watched it on TV. They apparently played that whole “minute and forty-two seconds” clip all the time, and Jimmy had caught it on a few occasions already despite him barely watching TV and spending most of his time in the dungeons. And Jimmy couldn’t help but notice each time he saw it that Zach didn’t do any damage at all to Ziragoth.

Or actually I think he did do exactly one damage to it, Jimmy thought. But still, that’s basically zero.

For sure, Zach was cool and all, but let’s be real: all Zach really did was jump around and get his ass beat into the ground. He was nearly eaten, too. And look how popular he became. The kid was basically famous for not dying. That was his amazing feat of courage. He fought something and only ended up in critical condition. But Jimmy? Jimmy intended to kill this giant horse creature. Forget merely surviving it. He would kill that thing dead.

Then I can face everybody again without shame.

The stars seemed to be aligning right now. It was as if the universe had guided him to this boss with the intention for him to kill it. But…on the other hand, Jimmy did have to admit that he was the tiniest, teensiest, littlest-bit drunk. Therefore, he couldn’t be certain his decision-making skills weren’t badly compromised and that this was something he wouldn’t be considering if he was sober. He doubted it, though. He loved soloing and taking on these kinds of challenges. Yet the fear of pain and death that’d been instilled into him was totally gone right now.

Am I too drunk for this? he wondered.

He decided to administer the QF test. It was a test he’d come up with as a joke with his buddies in university. He had no idea if there was any validity to this test whatsoever, but he didn’t care. He decided he was going to do it anyway. And the test was simple, too: if Jimmy could correctly recall the quadratic formula, he wasn’t too drunk.

He cleared his throat as screaming voices shouted while more men and women darted past him as they fled from the monster. Jimmy ignored them. “Negative B,” he said aloud, concentrating. “Plus or minus…”

“WHAT IS THAT THING! OH MY GODS NO! NOT HERE! PLEASE GODS NO!”

“…the square root of B squared…”

A woman carrying a very young, blonde-haired boy bumped into Jimmy and nearly made him lose his focus. But he really wanted to do this, so he needed to pass this self-administered test. He focused even harder. But it was hard because shit was getting crazy.

Boom!

Three parked DEHVs went up in flames as the mare’s eye-fired lasers left a gaping hole in the side of the street to Jimmy’s left.

“Malari!” a woman shouted. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. It didn’t get me. Just keep running!”

One woman ran to another, grabbed her, and then both fled towards the opposite end of the street behind the mare. There were still a few people attempting to escape. Jimmy would—hopefully—be able to help them momentarily. He was having trouble. And he found it hilarious. He was once again giggling. But he chided himself and forced his mind to focus.

“Minus 4AC!” he shouted out, causing an already scared couple to recoil with even more fear as they seemingly tried to avoid both the T9 boss as well as Jimmy. But Jimmy was feeling pretty confident. Grinning, he added, “Over 2A!”

And with that, he knew it was on. He wasn’t that drunk. He wasn’t! If he was, how could he possibly recite the quadratic formula? He couldn’t. And no, that wasn’t backed up by science, but it was still good enough for him. He’d passed the quadratic-formula-alcohol test. All that was left now was to very hurriedly prepare for battle—but first he needed to vomit.

Taken by surprise, Jimmy bent forward, opened his mouth wide, and spewed so much puke on the sidewalk all at once that he began to panic, worrying he’d run out of oxygen and die. Thankfully, he was able to inhale one large gasp of breath—but only just the one—before puking a second time. Still, this didn’t mean he was drunk. He passed the qua-blaptic-whatever-the-fuck-it-was-called test.

Straightening his back, Jimmy walked into the middle of the street. He needed to pull aggro soon before someone actually died. He couldn’t believe that, through sheer coincidence, there still wasn’t a single dead body despite it looking like someone dropped a bunch of bombs all around him. It was a catastrophe.

I got this, he thought as he wiped his lip with his sleeve. It was gross but he was getting rid of the shirt anyway.

With everyone in the area far too concerned with their lives to bother paying him any mind, Jimmy stripped all the way down to his underwear—which only meant removing a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and some sneakers. He was in civilian clothing, after all. With that, he raised his left hand and activated Bank and Storage.

Although his Epic-Rare robes had been destroyed in the raid last night, suffering the dreaded Full Break, he actually had four more identical robes in storage, as he’d farmed the shit out of the boss in Tower of Eternity that dropped it in order to get the full set of caster gear. Actually, he had a lot of good stuff he was hoarding. He hadn’t wanted to flood the bazaar with too much at once, so he’d kept a lot of it in his box, which was nearly full and definitely needed emptying sometime soon despite him constantly giving away stuff to people for free.

As quickly as he could, Jimmy grabbed his rings, his necklace, and his bracers along with the rest of his gear and his staff. In somewhat backwards order, he put on his robes first, which were elegant and made of a soft, white, and silk-like material. The back of the robes contained a very cool pattern that looked like a combination of a clock and a compass. He didn’t know what it meant or was but he liked it. The robes were also quite powerful, but that was also because it counted for both the chest and head slot, as an optional hood could also be drawn over his head if desired, but that was purely a choice of style and not required for him to gain access to Helm Sight.

All right. Let me just get on the trousers and boots.

Jimmy lifted his left leg—and then fell completely over onto his side as his coordination seemed to fail him. Plopping hard onto the ground, he lost his grip on the wine bottle and it shattered with a crack behind him. But Jimmy ignored it and was quick to hurry back to his feet. But maybe he was too quick, because for some reason, the world began to spin. Or…not even really “spin.” It sort of just seemed to turn sideways or something.

Jimmy vomited yet again.

With only one leg inside his trousers, he ignored the sick feeling coming over him and did his best to get into his equipment. But this time, even though he managed to pull up the left side of his trousers, he somehow forgot he’d placed his boots on the ground, and he tripped over one of them and fell onto his back a second time, which resulted in another desperate climb up to his feet but thankfully not another round of puking. It was better to call it a near vomit. Because he didn’t vomit. Really, he didn’t. He just almost did.

“Maybe I did drink too much,” he said aloud. “I just don’t see how that can be if I know the quadratic equation. Haha. Hah…ha.”

Jimmy shook his head and slapped himself on the cheeks. Then he slipped into his boots—almost falling but managing to remain upright—and he grabbed his staff. Now, he was ready: it was time to show Donovan and Zephyr how badly wrong they were about him.

Now, how was that whole “walking” thing done again? He forgot for a second. But then he remembered so he was fine.

“Everyone, be calm!” he shouted as he marched farther into the street. “I’ve come to save…”

Jimmy let his voice fall off. Nobody was listening to him. Everyone who hadn’t already fled to a different street was currently in the process of doing so, and the shouting and screaming was so loud they couldn’t hear anything he said anyway. He sighed. So much for making a heroic splash like Zach had done. But really? Jimmy didn’t care about that. He didn’t want or need to become a celebrity. He just wanted the respect of the adventuring community. That was all he actually cared about.

And I’m about to get it!

Jimmy waded his way past the frantically running civilians and moved towards the center of the block. The fact that still no one had died was just…it was astounding. But it wouldn’t be long before they did. Jimmy needed to get the ball rolling. And this was actually the most critical moment of all, because it was here that he’d find out if he even could solo the boss. As usual, Jimmy had four conditions that absolutely needed to be met in order for him to solo something. And despite his drunken state, he had no problem remembering each of them.

Condition 1: no slow immunity.

Raising his staff and waving it back and forth twice in the air, Jimmy activated Crippling Mist. Immediately, a massive cloud of sizzling, crackling smoke popped into existence right on top of the so-called “Mare of the Primordial Void,” blanketing the entire creature before quickly dissipating. Jimmy tensed nervously as he waited to see if that beautiful red down arrow would now appear above its equine face and its angry, animalistic eyes.

It did!

A red, upside-down arrow now resided directly above the T9 boss, which indicated that his slow had successfully been applied to his enemy—thanks, of course, to his Legendary Unique passive, Scourge of Giants. If not for that, then even despite being susceptible to slows—as most bosses were—it would have been resisted outright due to the stat difference caused by his and the mob’s effective level of 310.

Here it comes.

As the very first person to actually “do” anything to the boss—even something non-damaging—Jimmy immediately became the sole focus of its aggro. The giant horse monster, which had been about two seconds from chomping down on a slow-moving old woman and earning its first actual kill, halted immediately and turned its head Jimmy’s way. Jimmy stood at the foot of the block opposite it. And now, at a speed that was dramatically slower than what it was likely capable of moving, the mare approached.

Condition one, check.

Condition 2: could it be poisoned?

Jimmy, eager to find out if he could actually solo this boss, activated Poisonous Miasma, which created a small, rust-colored, and oblong-shaped object directly in the boss’s path, one that functioned similarly to a landmine. As the boss’s incredibly large front-left hoof stomped down on it, his ability exploded into a purple cloud that enveloped the creature, causing it to release a loud neighing roar and suffer 225 damage. Not a lot by any means. But damage was damage. And that was still 225 times more damage than what Zach did to the dragon during his solo boss fight.

I bet I could’ve solo’d Ziragoth, Jimmy thought smugly. He wasn’t sure if that was the booze making him overconfident or if it was something he’d think normally. It was probably the latter but it was impossible for him to be sure in his current state of mind. He chuckled. He was going to show everybody how Jimmy Green got things done.

As the boss continued to slowly move towards him, Jimmy made another two large motions with his staff, and now he cast both of his AOE poisons despite facing only a single target. Since these spells didn’t have a single-target variant, and since all three of his poisons stacked, he was forced to simply endure the extra exertion cost that came with using large, area-of-effect magic.

At any rate, Jimmy was happy to see that both poisons landed and both poisons took effect, but now, he began to sweat profusely and breathe heavily. He suddenly became exhausted and drained. But it was fine. Because with the poisons ticking away, the bar he kept at the bottom of his vision was quickly filling.

Breath of Invigoration: 100%

Jimmy cast Breath of Invigoration. A big, blue, and cartoonish-looking heart materialized above his head, shining a reassuring blue-and-white light down on top of him, one which brightened as the heart spun faster and faster until bathing him in its glow. Eventually, it vanished—and so too did Jimmy’s fatigue, as within just one tick, he was feeling back to full strength and ready for anything.

Conditions 1 and 2: check and check.

Condition 3: did he have space?

Jimmy looked around. Despite how much he’d had to drink, he thankfully still knew where he was. That actually wasn’t always something he could take for granted, sadly. But in this case, it wasn’t something he had to worry about. Jimmy knew that he was standing at the intersection of a place called Grove and Market in the very suburban region of Faded Island. In particular, he was in the commercial district of a nice little town in the northeast part of the island, which was made up of several streets containing various stores and eateries and the like, all of which wrapped around a central market.

Jimmy didn’t have to spend long contemplating his location. It was obvious that he had plenty of space to move around in. In fact, as long as he didn’t trip over himself again, he could easily loop the boss around the same four streets over and over as needed. He could also try pulling it out towards the main road, but that risked bringing it to a nearby community and destroying people’s homes. Either way, he felt comfortable in giving this condition a check

So finally, condition 4: attack range.

Did Jimmy’s attacks outrange that of the boss’s that he was trying to solo? This one was always tricky to determine at first, but his instinct right now said yes. The boss had those eye laser things, and rather than use them, it was continuing to slowly make its way towards him. If it could have attacked him, it probably would’ve. Like, yeah, some of that seemed to be down to RNG, but Jimmy’s impression was that the game was skewed so that if something was being slowed and kited, it would be more likely to use a ranged attack if it had one.

It's not a game! he scolded himself. How many times you gonna make that mistake?

Jimmy moved steadily backwards and away, keeping himself out of range of the boss’s attacks while preparing to settle in for a very, very long and protracted fight. This was not going to be quick. This was going to be one of the longer boss marathons. He hoped nobody came along and fucked with him while he was dealing with this thing. Right now, he had it completely under control. And as he continuously backed away, he did cringe somewhat as the boss obliterated so much private property in its pursuit of him. He even tried to keep it centered in the middle of the street, but at best, its damage was limited to tearing down street poles, power lines, and crushing more DEHVs, and at worse, it would rip entire sections off stores and restaurants.

Turning the corner and leading the mob down the start of another—and as of yet untouched—block, Jimmy struggled not to lose his balance and fall. That actually could kill him. Right now, the biggest risk to Jimmy was Jimmy. He needed to stay concentrated and focused, but that was difficult to do since he had maybe a little bit more to drink than he wanted to admit, and also, because his Goddamn phone would not stop going off.

They’re probably really worried about me, he thought, becoming emotional out of nowhere, likely also due to the alcohol.

Flooded with a sudden guilt, he held his staff with one hand and removed his phone with the other. Then he tucked it into the side of his face as he waved his staff around to reapply his poisons, his slow, and his Breath of Invigoration. There were several gasps on the other end of the line as though they were surprised that Jimmy had picked up.

“J-Jimmy?” cried Zach’s voice.

“Yeah, what’s up, man?”

“Finally! Oh my Gods, Jimmy. Please don’t hang up. Everybody is so worried about you. Look, I heard what happened, but I need to talk to you, okay?”

“Nah, man, it’s all good.”

“Listen to me, please. I know how it feels to be in your shoes. I’ve…I’ve had a whole lot of low points recently myself. But the thing is—”

“Zach, yo, chill. You’re not listening to me. I’m fixing it all right now.”

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“Huh? What’s that mean? Jimmy, I can barely understand what you’re saying. You sound drunk.”

“Hah! I was right,” said another voice in the background. It sounded like Rian. “I told you he was gonna be shitfaced.”

“Can I please talk to him?” said an effeminate voice that caused Jimmy’s heart to swell in a way that it normally wouldn’t without booze. It was Tena. He wasn’t ready to face her.

“Zach, tell her I love her and I’ll talk to her real soon, but I gotta do something first before I can face her.”

There was a moment of quiet from the other end of the line, and then Zach asked, “What exactly are you doing? Why can’t we come see you?”

He laughed. “Believe it or not, I’m soloing a rare spawn. And when I get this done, I’m going in your history books!”

“Not funny, Jimmy.”

“Huh? I’m not making a joke.”

Zach’s voice became angered and heated. “Are you fucking serious? Don’t tell me we came all the way here just for you to run off back into a dungeon.”

His words confused Jimmy. “The hell you talking about? I’m not in a dungeon. And what do you mean ‘here?’ Wait. Don’t tell me you’re on…”

“That’s right!” Kalana shouted in the background. “We came to see you ‘cause we were worried about you. I also have something really special for you from the raid, so tell us where you are.”

Jimmy couldn’t believe they’d tracked him here to Faded Island. He was both touched and annoyed—and curious as to how in the hell they’d done it. “Look, guys, I’m taking care of something. I gotta get my mojo back. Once I finish with this boss, we’ll all hang out or whatever, but I gotta deal with this first.”

“Jimmy, enough with the lying. Seriously, you’re a worse bullshitter than me.”

“Fuck outta here. I’m not lying.”

“Oh really?” Zach asked him. “You’re fighting a boss? Where, in public?”

“Yeah.”

There was a pause. “Not funny.”

“Good, ‘cause I’m not joking. I really am fighting a boss.”

“Oh, come on. Can you knock it off?”

“Zach, will you listen to me? Damn, man. I’m not lying. Do I need to send you a picture of it or something?”

“Yeah,” he replied with a laugh. “Send me a picture. Go ahead.”

Jimmy rolled his eyes. He almost fell over as he tried to aim the phone at the boss. Then he froze up like an idiot as his brain completely forgot how to take a picture on these dumb Galterra phones. Even an Android was better than this. Actually nah. That was going too far. But still he hated this unfamiliar OS.

How the hell do I…? Oh, right. It’s that app.

He snapped a photo, opened a message, attached the photo, and pressed send. “Okay, happy? See? I told you I was fighting a boss. Hey, Zach, do you think I should buy a suit for when they interview me about this? Haha. Well, Do you? Uh…Zach? Hello?”

*****

Zach couldn’t be sure who was shouting the loudest. It might’ve been him. It might’ve been Tena. It was probably Kalana. But even Lienne and Rian were losing their shit—and for good reason, too. Zach waved at all of them, however, giving each a look of urgency so they would quiet down and let him try again to reason with this maniac.

“Jimmy!” he yelled into his phone. “Tell us where you are right fucking now!”

Instead of a reply, there was only giggling. Zach swore. Jimmy was like really drunk. He opened his mouth to shout at him yet again but Kalana snatched the phone out of his hand, glaring at it furiously. “Where is the boss!” she yelled. “You can’t just…you can’t just solo it ‘cause you feel like it! Are you out of your mind?”

“Jimmy, I’m normally not the scolding type,” Rian added. “But this is the most fucked-up thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Oh, bullshit!” he snapped at them. “Zach did the same shit a few weeks ago!”

Zach wanted to pull the hair out of his head. He couldn’t believe how stressful things had just become over the past minute. They had gone from calm but worried to a state of all-out panic in a matter of moments. And all because Jimmy was somehow actually telling the truth. He was fighting a boss all on his own. And worse, it was a Gods-be-damned T9! What was wrong with him?

“What I did was way different, Jimmy!” Zach shouted, grabbing the phone back from Kalana. “I didn’t have a choice. I wanted help. I held it off only for as long as I had to. You’re…you’re trying to solo it! What in the fuck is…I can’t even believe this is really happening. Where are you? Tell us!”

“I got this,” he said. “Don’t even worry about it.” A loud neigh from somewhere in the background was picked up over the phone, and what followed it was a tremendous bang.

“Jimmy!” Tena cried.

“Are you okay?” Kalana asked. “Jimmy!”

“Guys, I’m fine, damn.”

“What was that sound?” Zach asked him.

“Oh, that was just some dance studio that it stepped on.”

Kalana actually howled into the phone. “It’s destroying people’s things, Jimmy! You’re drunk and not thinking. Please. Please tell us where you are so we can help you stop it!”

“I don’t need nobody’s help!”

Lowering his voice, Zach said, “Rian, you need to contact the EEU immediately. As in like this second. Take out your phone and dial #518 and say that we’ve got a level-3 apocalyptic event in progress.”

“What the hell did I just hear?” demanded Jimmy angrily over the phone. “Oh, no. Oh, I know ya’ll aren’t snitching on me. Somebody tell me I’m not being snitched on right now. Jesus have mercy on me if I find out Zach snitched.”

Zach ignored him as an entirely separate voice shouted out over Rian’s phone and Rian replied. “Yes, that’s correct. Not a false alarm,” he said.

“And where is it?” a panicked, urgent voice cried. “Every second counts. Tell me. Now!”

“Yeah, uh…so about that, uh…we don’t actually know, sir.”

“…you what?”

“We don’t know where it is.”

“…come again?”

Zach snatched the phone away from Rian so that he now held one in his left hand and one in his right. “We don’t know because Jimmy won’t tell us.”

“What do you mean he won’t tell you?” asked the responding adventurer.

“What are you saying to that dude?” Jimmy angrily shouted. “You better not be saying shit, Zach!”

“Who said that? Is that Jimmy?”

“Oh, shit. Is that you, Dalora? We grouped up on F30 in TOE, right? What’s happening?”

“Jimmy! Thank the Gods you’re all right.”

Zach moaned as the situation began to spiral so confusingly out of control that he didn’t know what to do. Right now, he was standing there awkwardly in the middle of an island suburbia while holding two phones close together on speaker.

“I’m good.”

“Has there truly been a T9 spawn?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry. I got it.”

“You…got it?”

“Yeah, it’s being handled.”

“Where?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Jimmy! Are you…are you refusing to say?”

“Yeah.”

“WHAT?” the voice shouted.

“Okay, clearly this…this is getting us nowhere. Let me state this another way. Jimmy, tell me where you are right now or I’ll lose my cool.”

“No.”

Zach’s temper flared. And Kalana reminding him of his “breathing exercises” only made it worse. “Jimmy, I’ll kick your ass all the way back to the past if you don’t start talking! Do you know how bad you have to be to make me look like the responsible adult in a situation? Gods, I feel like Mr. Oren. Where are you, Jimmy? Don’t make me ask again!”

Jimmy hung up on him, and now Zach was so, so close to crushing the phones—both of them—in his hands, but this time, he did remember his breathing exercises. And he was going to need them, too. Because as five very painful and confusing minutes came and went, he now received a call on his own phone, which turned out to be a very angry and impatient Donovan. The man was demanding he start a conference call with Jimmy on the line. Zach tried to tell him there was no chance Jimmy was going to pick up, but Donovan started threatening him. So he tried anyway, and to his surprise, Jimmy actually did pick up.

“Jimmy?” Zach asked. “Are you there?”

It did not help soothe Donovan’s own heightened temper that the very first sound on the call from Jimmy's end wasn’t the word “hello” being spoken but instead some kind of super-explosion.

“ARE YOU FUCKIN’ KIDDING ME, JIMMY!” Donovan roared over the line. “This is the stupidest Gods-be-damned thing I’ve ever seen anyone do. You better give up your location right now or I’ll backhand you so hard you’ll be slapped back to your own time!”

Zach cleared his throat. “I uh…I already used that joke.”

He knew he should’ve kept his mouth shut. He knew it. But he had to say it. And Rian seemed to sympathize with him, too. But no one else did, not even Kalana. The result was an unholy, vitriol-laden tearing down from Donovan that contained words so terrible even he wouldn’t use them. Even Trelvor and Seiley were upset with him.

“Not helpful,” Trelvor said, shaking his head at Zach.

Sensing that his commentary was not being appropriately appreciated, Zach decided to remain quiet and let Donovan try to talk sense into Jimmy. But that didn’t seem to be working, either. Jimmy kept going on about how he was “soloing” it and threatening Donovan not to “assjam” on his “1v1.” These were terms Zach was not familiar with, but they seemed fairly easy to understand in context. What was not easy to understand was how, even drunk, anyone could be dumb enough to earn Donovan’s wrath and ire. Jimmy was only making it worse for himself, too.

“Jimmy, this ain’t the way to go about dealing with things,” Donovan said. “Now you listen to me, Gods-dammit. If you tell us where it is right now, then the way this goes down is simple: you pulled aggro, you saved some lives, and you held it for us until we got there. Everybody also forgives and forgets whatever crazy shit you just tried to pull. But if you don’t and I gotta find it through other means…” He grunted. “You don’t wanna find out.”

Another loud bang came from the speaker of Zach’s phone, increasing the urgency of the situation. “Just out of curiosity,” Zach said, “how close is it to dying? How long would it even take you to solo something like that?”

“Like, 22 hours.”

“Gods dammit Jimmy!” Zach snapped. “Are you f…you know what? Now I’m mad all over again. You can’t just fight that for 22 hours while everybody’s property is destroyed.”

Jimmy said nothing for yet another moment, and another loud bang came across over the speakers. “Fine. You guys can come help. If you promise not to tell anyone else, you get half the loot, Zach.”

Zach scowled. “Jimmy, are you seriously trying to fucking…” The scowl fell off his face. “Wait, what was that last part?”

Kalana glared at him, and so did Trelvor, Seiley, Lienne, Tena, and even Rian this time. Even Donovan, too. And he wasn’t even there but somehow Zach could feel it.

As his friends closed in on him, Zach had to run halfway down the block to gain some distance from them as they demanded he turn over the phone. “Say that part again?”

“I’ll let you and the others come help if you don’t tell nobody else where I’m at. You guys can even have half the loot.”

Zach opened his mouth, then shut it as Kalana grabbed his wrist, brought him to a stop, and looked threateningly at him. “Zach, umm, you better not make a deal like that! I’m gonna be so upset with you if you do.”

“Don’t make me have to beat two kids today!” Donovan threatened.

Rian merely shrugged and whispered, “Why not just agree to get his location and then tell Donovan?”

“That’s a good idea,” Tena said. “I hate to lie to Jimmy, but…but this is insane.”

The idea riddled Zach with guilt. That was betrayal in a sense. He wasn’t the kind of person to do that to someone. But this was a very unusual circumstance. He was torn. He wasn’t sure what to say. “Jimmy, listen to me. Whatever it is you’re—”

*****

“—trying to accomplish here, it’s not going to actually change anything. Please. Just let us—”

Without actually meaning to, Jimmy hung up on Zach, but it was only because he was uncoordinated. Honestly, it was amazing he was doing as well as he currently was. Things had become almost boringly stable. In fact, Jimmy actually had to fight off a touch of drowsiness as he kited the large, lumbering creature down a slightly narrowed street containing a mixture of street merchants and small, mom-and-pop stores including a cute little place that only sold fruit. Or used to only sell fruit. Now, unfortunately, it sold nothing. Because, you know, there was nothing left of it.

Ahead of him, the boss made very slight flinching motions three times in quick succession as all three ticks of the poison came in one after the next.

298

416

356

HP

13,055,620/13,225,000

Name

(T9) Mare of the Primordial Void

Level

85

Jimmy’s mood deflated somewhat as he realized he’d reduced the boss’s health by only slightly more than 1%. This really was going to be one hell of a long, drawn-out fight. And the longer he went without alcohol, the more he was wondering if maybe he should call for help or something. It was just that he wanted so badly to prove himself capable. It was beginning to bother him.

A lot of people would be dead if I wasn’t here, though.

It wasn’t a boast or a lie. If Jimmy hadn’t pulled the boss, it was quite literally the case that dozens of people would’ve been dead who were currently alive. And that wasn’t even including those who’d gotten trapped inside damaged buildings or near burning vehicles. Emergency personnel had begun showing up: level 1 cops in what looked like Galterran police uniforms along with orange-vested rescue workers. They had different names for those types of people here, but Jimmy couldn’t remember what they were called, but they all seemed grateful to him. Jimmy had even briefly communicated with them, telling them that the boss was focused only on him and they could rescue whoever needed rescuing once he passed them by.

“Thank you so much!” one of them called to him.

“You’re very brave!” cried another.

But yeah, at any rate, with all four conditions met, Jimmy was basically just chilling at this point. It was definitely going to take a bit, but he had the situation completely under his control. The boss was ambling towards him, he was backing away, and everything was going smoothly. Sure, a few cars and some buildings were getting crushed, but by now, everyone in the immediate area had either already evacuated or was in the process of being rescued and removed, right?

Apparently not. There was someone approaching—and very, very fast.

At first, Jimmy wasn’t sure if his eyes were playing tricks on him or if he was so drunk he was hallucinating. Because it looked to him like there was a young woman leaping from rooftop to rooftop along the street as she headed his way. She was gripping what looked like a long, wooden combat staff in both hands, and it wasn’t until she forward-flipped and landed on both feet atop a convenience store to his immediate right that Jimmy was able to get a look at her face.

And when he did, he recognized her immediately.

Oh, shit, it’s her.

Jimmy knew who she was. How could he not? How could anyone not? Jimmy wasn’t even from this planet, and even he knew who the woman was. Aside from Kalana, she had to be one of—if not the—most famous women on the entire planet. Her name was Duchess Fiona Darkmae, and she was the leader of the Children of Order: the guild that controlled this region. And how did Jimmy know this?

Because she was everywhere. On posters, on TV ads, on billboards. She was what, back on Earth, they would have called a “sex symbol,” though that name appeared to be offensive and confusing to the people here, as Jimmy had found out one night when he’d used the term in Angelica’s. Regardless, Fiona Darkmae was so ubiquitous that even Jimmy knew her name and her life story just from the little bit of Galterran TV he’d actually consumed.

He knew that she was only twenty-three years old, for example. He knew that she was a former child actress and later a full-fledged movie star. He knew that she was never meant to be the leader of the Children of Order, but that her older brother had recently died unexpectedly of a rare, incurable neurological illness and her father had committed suicide from grief, making her the unexpected leader of her guild and also the youngest guild leader in recorded history.

This, Jimmy had somehow gleaned despite barely knowing anything about Galterra. He’d even come to learn just in passing that she had her own clothing, jewelry, and perfume line. But more than anything else, he recognized her as being the most absurdly, stunningly, ridiculously attractive girl he’d ever seen in his entire damn life, including his life on Earth. The girl was so unreasonably hot it was actually mind blowing. And she was just as incredible to behold in person as she was on the billboards.

Her blonde hair, which was currently done into a ponytail, her supple cheeks…she didn’t even need the makeup she was wearing. It was overkill. And complementing all of this was a body so curvaceous and well-proportioned it was like God had specifically decided to sculpt her manually rather than let her form through the usual, natural processes. Her build was athletic and yet she was well-endowed, and her backside was…well, it was impossible not to look at if it happened to be in front of you.

But because Tena existed, Jimmy was not tempted by her appearance. No, not even slightly. Because while Tena was a cute, but overall average-looking girl, to Jimmy’s eyes, she was the one with the most beautiful face in Galterra, and she was the one he wanted above all—even as he’d shunned her to sulk here in his own shame and humiliation. So no, not even the sight of such a jaw-droppingly perfect girl could take his heart away from Tena. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t rouse other emotions in Jimmy, such as a sudden rush of distrust, fear, and a territorial, animal-like aggression.

Jimmy peeled back his lips and scowled at her the moment she launched herself into another forward-flip off the top of the convenience store and landed with a soft tapping sound across from him. She opened her mouth to say something to him—but he wouldn’t hear it. Hell no. He was furious! And so, loudly, drunkenly, and with far more aggression than he realized he was capable of, he pointed his staff at her and shouted.

“Camped!”

Her eyebrows rose, her head tilted to the side, and she again opened her mouth to speak. But Jimmy yelled at her before she could utter even a single word to him. Taking his eyes off the slowed but approaching horse boss, he shouted, “This spawn is already camped! I claimed it. I was here first when it spawned, and I already aggroed it. It’s mine!”

She better not be trying to kill-steal, he thought as an evacuated school-bus DEHV was crushed beneath the hoofs of the approaching boss just as thoroughly as the car-sized ones had been. I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this problem in Galterra. I guess this was bound to happen sooner or later.

Jimmy knew he was risking a lot by taking such a hostile tone with the leader of a uh…what were they called again? “Political guilds” or some shit? Something like that, right? In all honesty, he still didn’t really understand what the whole deal was between them and the adventurers. He’d noticed that the adventurers seemed to control the dungeons and Angelica’s, and the “political guilds” were like in charge of running the regions and served as semi-autonomous governing bodies. Outside of that, Jimmy wasn’t really sure what the specifics were or who outranked who. He didn’t care, either. He was here first. Even if she did control the region, she couldn’t just be allowed to come KS him.

He stared at the woman. She didn’t seem angry—just concerned. She was only four years older than him, but she regarded him with a strange look of amusement as though he were some troublemaking little brother of hers. It was a surreal, knowing expression despite him never having met her before.

“Whoah there,” she said, removing her right hand from her staff and holding it out as if in a gesture of peace. “I have no idea what any of that means.” She turned her head towards the boss and frowned at it before looking back at him. “You must be Jimmy, I take it, huh?”

“You…know me?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“How do you know who I am?”

She again looked at the T9 boss, apprehension flashing across her delicate features. “Well, I was on my way here to make sure you were behaving. See, I got a report that an adventurer was getting a little bit out of hand at a bar, but when I showed up, I…I saw that.” Her tone shifted greatly, becoming filled with worry and fear. “Is it happening again?”

“Is what happening again?”

“Another…another major boss spawn.” The fear left her eyes and words, and strength took its place as she seemingly scanned the destroyed block. “How many are dead? More emergency services are on the way if we can hold it off for a bit. Also, how many are injured? And why are you alone? Where are the rest of your adventurers? Do you want me to have my guild help you hold it off while you wait for them to arrive?”

Jimmy stared at her blankly. “Huh? What? What are you…?” He shook his head. “I’m so confused.”

“You’re…an adventurer, right?”

“Well, yeah.”

“And you’re a member of the EEU, right?”

“The what?” Jimmy exclaimed, his head beginning to ache and the world beginning to spin again.

“The emergency extraction unit—you know, the people who show up whenever a boss spawns in public.”

Jimmy continued to stare at her with the same blank expression, and now it caused even more concern to rush onto her face. He had no idea what she was talking about, and as he tried to ask her to elaborate, she seemed to have no idea what he was saying, either. But in his case, that was his own fault, because even to his own ears, he could hear that his words were slurred and nonsensical. He tried to gesture with his staff, but he nearly lost his grip on it.

“Are you drunk?” she asked him.

“I’ve got a little buzz going on,” he said, managing to get the words out.

“Oh, dude. No wonder. Here, my T2 cure works on that.” She changed her grip on her combat staff so that she pointed it at Jimmy, and the tip of the weapon facing him began to take on a white, comforting glow. Suddenly, his entire sense of being changed. It felt like waking up from a dream. The spinning stopped, his emotions shifted, his sense of awareness became greatly heightened, and he was suddenly very, very, very thirsty. But also alert. In mere moments, he became so much more attuned with his surroundings, and his sense of balance and coordination was greatly restored, too.

“Did you just make me sober?”

“Almost,” she said. “You look like you’ve still got some left.” She raised her staff a second time.

“Ah, w-wait!” Jimmy released a nervous laugh. “I think that’s enough, actually. Let me at least keep some of my—”

Her staff flashed a second time, and despite his protests, she removed whatever buzz remained. Now, Jimmy was truly, one-hundred percent sober. And it was only now that it really started to dawn on him what he’d just done: what he was doing. And you know what? It really didn’t change anything. Sure, his level of caution went up a great deal, and his sense of danger and fear went along right with it, but everything he’d felt while drunk was still right there inside of him: including his desire to kill this boss and earn redemption.

“Okay, so let’s start over,” she said to him. “Oh, and I’m sorry if I seem pushy. I’m normally really cool and calm and sociable, but…” She made a gesture with her chin at the T9 boss. “I have no idea what that thing is and how much danger my region is in—or why you’re here. I don’t even know if we can talk while it’s coming right at us.”

“Oh, no we can definitely talk,” Jimmy said, nodding as he spoke the words. “I got so much time right now. Here, move back a bit before it shoots you with its lasers.”

“Its what?”

Jimmy reached out, grabbed her arm, and yanked her towards him just as the ground near her feet detonated upon being struck by two more of the creature’s lasers. Her mouth falling open slightly, she regarded him a moment as though in shock, but then she slowly made a gracious bow of her head. “Thanks, Jimmy.”

“It’s all good.”

Jimmy backed away, keeping a constant distance from the boss, and now, she followed alongside him, staying close by. “Are we…okay?” she asked.

“Oh, for sure, we’re good.”

“I’m so confused and have so many questions of you.”

“I kinda have a few as well.”

“Well, let me just start by introducing myself. My name’s Fiona Darkmae, and I’m the leader of the Children of Order.”

He nodded. “I know. I see you all over the place.”

“Ohh? You’re a fan?”

“Of course,” Jimmy lied. Who would answer no to that? That would only make things awkward.

“Well, it’s good to meet you. So, uh…” Hesitantly, she looked ahead of her as Jimmy continued to backpedal. “Why don’t you tell me why you’re here, what happened, and where the other adventurers are. They should’ve been here by now.”

“I came here for a drink, and this thing spawned by pure coincidence. And what other adventurers are you talking about?”

He could sense his question confused her. She puckered her lips for a few seconds before responding. “You called them to come help, right?”

Jimmy snorted. “Hell no.”

Her eyes widened. “You’re joking, right?”

“Why would I be?”

“I…I’m so confused. Can you start from the beginning and tell me everything that happened? And again, not to be pushy, but quickly.”

“Like I said, we’ve got plenty of time, but if you really wanna know why I’m out here…” He sighed. “Fine, I’ll tell you.”

As Jimmy began to speak, he surprised himself by how open he was being. The alcohol having been vaporized out of his system, it was not responsible for his loose lips. Holding back only the parts that he absolutely could not speak aloud, he decided, for a reason unknown to him, to tell this girl exactly what had happened to bring him here. Maybe it was just because he felt like talking about it. Or maybe it was to pass the time, of which he now had a great deal. Either way, he decided to fill her in.

“…and that was when I decided to show the other adventurers where the dungeon was. Because like, at this point, you know, I’m still thinking I’m worth something, because Eilea—oh, right. You don’t know who that is. So uh, Eilea’s like a—”

“Oh, I know Eilea!” Fiona shot in, sounding almost cheerful at the name.

“Wait, you do?”

She nodded. “Yeah. The Elves invited all of us to come meet her the moment she reappeared. A lot of high-ranking guild members haven’t gone yet because they were busy with the war, but I showed up there yesterday and met her. I must’ve just missed you. You remind me a lot of—” she made an “ohh” sound—“wait, you’re that boy they were talking about!”

“That who was talking about?” Jimmy asked, becoming self-conscious. “Who is it you think I am?”

“The boy who came from Earth!” she said, smiling at him.

Jimmy inhaled. “Wait, you know about that?”

“Yep. I overheard Eilea talking to the adventurers about it,” she explained. “How you were born of a colony of Earth survivors, and you trained in all those simulations and stuff. Right?”

So that’s how that got started, Jimmy thought, finally discovering the origin of his semi-fictional “backstory.”

Yesterday, Spider had approached him to let him know that he and the other adventurers had become aware of Jimmy’s upbringing on Earth. At the time, he’d become fearful that somehow secrets that really weren’t supposed to spill had, well, spilled. But he’d soon discovered that what the adventurers actually “knew” was a completely modified, fabricated version of events that claimed Jimmy was rescued from a modern-day, destroyed Earth by Eilea and taken here via a portal or something. At the time, Jimmy had been wondering who’d created this fictional—but very useful—backstory, which enabled him to be a little more comfortable around the adventurers and worry less about slipping up while also concealing the more sensitive details. Now, he knew.

It was Eilea.

Jimmy reapplied his slow, his poisons, and his stamina-regen buff, then said, “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Wow. Okay! Eilea talked really highly about you.”

“She did?”

“Mhm. She sure did. But go on. What happened next?” She frowned, but not at him, as a jewelry store went up in flames. “And maybe be a bit quicker. Sorry.”

Given her sense of urgency, Jimmy did his best to fill her in on the rest of the story as quickly as he could without leaving out any important details. By the time he’d finished, he was surprised to see the genuine look of compassion on her face. Fiona clearly stood in contrast to all the bad things he’d heard from adventurers about the so-called “political guilds.”

“Oh, dude, I’m so sorry,” she said. Then she again looked at the giant horse. “So that’s why you’re fighting it alone?”

“That’s right. I gotta solo it.”

“To prove yourself, right?”

“Yep.”

She gave him a pat on the shoulder. “I get where you’re coming from. I really do. Everybody thinks I’m just a pretty face. Nobody believes I’m actually a strong, capable leader. Not just because of my age, but because of who I am and how I look. I’m constantly fighting to prove I belong in my position. But…”

“But what?”

She squeezed his right shoulder blade. “I really need you to call your adventurer friends over here, or if you want, I can call them.”

Jimmy flared in outrage. “Wait, what?”

“Look, I totally get where you’re coming from. I really do. I mean that. But here’s the thing, Jimmy. I love this region. I love it so much. I love the people here. Do you see that restaurant right there”—she pointed—“that just got crushed by the boss? I used to eat there when I was a kid. And I know the owners. They’re a really great family.”

She released his shoulder as the two continued to back away and turn around before heading down the next block. “I understand that you have something to prove. But my region is being destroyed right now. You have to understand you can’t just…you can’t just turn a whole district into your own personal arena for…how long is it going to take you to kill that, anyway?”

Jimmy looked at the boss’s HP. All his poisons combined were doing around 800 damage each tick. He made a very uneasy chuckle. “About 21-and-a-half hours,” he said.

“Yeah…Jimmy, I’m sorry, but you need to call this one in.”

Having used magic to rid the alcohol from his system, Jimmy was far too sensible now to argue his way out of it. Actually, he couldn’t believe he’d ever resisted in the first place. The alcohol had made him act irrationally and ridiculously. “They’re gonna kill me, Fiona.” He briefly told her of his conversation with his friends over the phone.

“No they’re not. They can’t kill their raid leader.”

“Raid leader?” Jimmy repeated with a guffaw. “I’ll be lucky if I’m not thrown out of the adventuring community for this. No way they let me lead a raid ever again—and that was before I started soloing this.”

Fiona raised her right hand, lifted her index finger, and then she wiggled it at him. “Nope. You forget, this is my island, Jimmy. And if I say that only you’re permitted to lead a raid here, then that is law.”

Jimmy gasped. “Wait, you can do that?”

“I sure can.”

He felt his spirits rising—only to sink. “But I’m not a good raid leader. I told you what happened yesterday.”

“Today isn’t yesterday, though. And isn’t there some part of you that wants to try again? Based on everything you told me, I don’t even think killing this giant horse all by yourself is gonna make you feel better.”

This, he found strange. “What do you mean?”

She shook her head confidently. “Well, it sounds to me like you could already do this kind of one-on-one boss fighting from the start. Maybe I’m, like, totally off base here, but I kind of think the only thing that’ll help you feel better is if you try to lead another raid—and get it right this time.”

Her words struck him deeply. “And you’d trust me to do that?”

“Why not?”

“B-because you don’t even know me, and why would you care at all? You’re the leader of a guild, and the property of your people is being trampled on. Why would you risk losing even more on some unknown nobody like me?”

“Good question,” she said, sounding reflective. “Hmm. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just intuition. Or maybe because I get it. I really get it. Every day of my life I feel like I have to prove myself to someone who thinks I’m too young and too pretty to be taken seriously. I kind of want to see you win.”

Jimmy was shocked: so much so that he wasn’t even sure how to respond to that. Part of him wondered if he was even worthy of ever leading a raid again. Without the alcohol, his confidence had taken a hit. Still, he couldn’t deny that the idea appealed to him on a very deep level, and so he accepted her offer immediately.

“If you’re really serious about this, then yeah, I’ll…I’ll do it. And I guess I can call Zach and Kalana back and tell them where I—”

“Wait, wait, Kalana is here?” Fiona exclaimed. “On Faded Island?”

“Well, yeah, she and Zach and some others came looking for me. Why?” In response, Fiona removed her own phone and began hastily making a call. “What are you—”

“Kalana?” Fiona said aloud. “Thank the Gods I got you. No, this isn’t about the fruit basket, but I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thank you! Awwhh, you’re so sweet. But seriously, there’s a reason I’m calling you. Um, you’ll never guess who I just ran into.”

The two began speaking as though they knew one another, and through their animated chatter, Jimmy learned that they had become friends during the dragon raid and had begun keeping in contact on social media ever since, in some cases speaking daily. Jimmy watched all of this in a state of sober bewilderment. It also occurred to him that he was going to have to deal with Donovan in a very short while from now.

Damn, that wasn’t going to be fun.