I knocked on the sliding door. I arrived early, just as she had requested of me. As it slid open, I could see that she had changed into very different clothing, akin to that of a simple farmer. Wearing a straw hat, her ears were hidden.
“Shall we?” she asked.
I nodded, following her. The streets were mostly empty, and the absence of commotion led me to our strange conversation the night before.
As she got off the floor, she fixed her dress that had become slightly undone, while I had been given a towel to wipe off my sweat.
“Do you have time tomorrow?” she asked all of a sudden.
“Why?”
“To do something?”
“What do you want from me?”
She stared at me as she put on a scarf, leaning against the open window. Her pale skin gleamed under the moonlight. “Nothing… I’m simply curious.”
“About?”
“It’s my first time seeing a man that’s so crushed by guilt without knowing what he’s feeling. A man that’s so consumed by his work that when presented with happiness and pleasure he can only think of war.”
“If that’s all you have to say, then I’m-”
“Come with me tomorrow,” she interrupted, sounding resolute.
“And why would I do that?”
“You don’t have any reason to.”
“You’re not doing a very good job of convincing me.”
“You can either come with me, or you can slowly rot away, doing nothing for the rest of your life. It’s your problem, really.”
I looked at her. It didn’t seem like she was up to anything in particular. She wasn’t really forcing this onto me. In fact, after everything she had done, I was curious as to why she was still urging me into her life. Maybe it was because this was the first time I had a human interaction that hadn’t been for work. Perhaps I had alluded to myself thinking that there was more to her than that met the eye.
I sent the documents back to Delilah personally. My familiar flew up in the air, making sure that nobody was following me. Before I even got to the castle, one of her assassins intercepted me, taking the documents from me. I knew Delilah trusted her, so I gave them away and decided to head back. I had plenty of time to think about her offer, whether I should go or not. In the end curiosity got the best of me.
That curiosity was what led me here, walking to Visereal’s gate with her. The gates would be open as soon as dawn broke, allowing the farmers that lived within the city to leave for their farms. She walked through the gate, hiding her hood as one of the guards stopped her. I could feel magic in the air before I walked forward.
“She’s with me,” I told the guard. Recognizing who I was, he backed off immediately, letting us pass through.
Silently, I followed her as she took the same path as the rest of the farmers, to the outskirts of the city. The morning was warm, but still chilly.
“Why’re you doing this?” I asked again. “What’re you benefiting from bringing me here?”
“Not much, really.”
“Then why?”
“I owe you. And this is my way of saying thanks.”
“For what?”
She dodged the question and walked up to the farm. Her hand sprung up to the hair and she waved at someone in the fields. A figure propped up in the field, waving back. The two of us walked up, all the meanwhile I looked around. Crows fiddled around in the air, watching the crops and there were several others in the fields, some were young while some were older.
“Heya, how yer doin?” the farmer waved. “It’s been a bit since you came for a visit! The children were getting worried you were never coming back.”
“I was busy,” Kasumi smiled
“You brought a friend along this time, is he your boyfriend?” he stroked his thick beard face.
“Nope, just a friend,” she turned to me. “And he’s tagging along to help for today.” She had a smug grin on her face.
“Well then, you know what to do!” the farmer patted Kasumi on the back, and we both walked towards the small housing at the edge of the farm.
“You’re going to help me out take care of the animals,” she announced.
“You called me all the way out here to take care of farm animals?” I crossed my arms.
“Problem?” she proceeded to open the small henhouse, and chickens began to fly out of the hutch.
I sighed as she went around the henhouse, picking up a sack. She passed it to me. Instructing me what to do, I followed her around and helped her with everything that she needed. I had no obligation to listen or do as she asked, but I went through with it. It was a nice morning, and the smell of fresh grass was a much needed change of pace from the musty city air. She herded the cows out of their barns and released them into the pastures outside. I followed along, making sure none of the cows went too far.
“Don’t you feel like talking?” she asked me, suddenly.
“About?”
“Yourself.”
“There’s nothing to say.”
“For a man that’s accomplished what most men could only dream of accomplishing in their life, you’re quite humble. Most men would take pride in what they’ve done.”
“I’m not like most men.”
“Clearly not. And that’s exactly why I’m so fascinated with you,” she admitted, surprising me into silence.
“And what do you mean by that?” I found the urge to ask.
“I wonder, what burdens you so much that you’re unable to be happy.”
“Nothing. I just have nothing to be happy about.”
“You won an entire war. You’re a hero to the people, and now you’re free to do as you wish. Compared to most you’ve lived a fulfilling and accomplished life.”
“That’s right. And even then, I still feel this way.”
She stopped walking across the field, turning to face me. Her expression was indifferent, unfazed and calm.
“You know, I heard the stories,” she danced to the sway of the wind. “A soldier hand picked by the king himself. One that freed those that were half-human, half monsters. Who refused to raise a hand against a single child or woman, no matter what. I was curious, what kind of person would go around doing such a thing? Was he just hiding his true self underneath? Was he actually a mad scientist that kidnapped children at the dead of night?”
“Were you disappointed when you met me?”
“Yes.”
“I knew it.”
“Not because you’re any less of a person than I thought.”
“Then why?”
“Because I didn’t have someone like you around when I needed it.”
That hurt to hear. Something must have happened to her. Something that I could have prevented. It always pained me to hear that I was needed elsewhere, that I could have made a difference.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said quietly.
“Don’t be,” she stretched her hands. “You did what you had to do. And now we’re here.”
“Could I ask what happened?”
“That’s a story for another time,” she closed her eyes. “Cmon, let’s go,” she shouted excitedly.
She grabbed my hand, forcibly dragging her along with her. I wanted her to let go at first, but I didn’t feel sick like I normally did. Rather surprised, I let her drag me across the field, leaping across the fence and running through the tall grass. Eventually she let go, and I simply had to keep up with her pace, which wasn’t too difficult. We arrived at a large pond, one that I remembered passing by before.
She was a completely different person compared to the previous night. Before, she had given off a cold, unnerving feeling that wasn’t dissimilar to my own. Today, I saw her smile, I saw her run through the fields, like a young country girl that had too much energy on her hands. Her demeanor was still the same, kind of lost doing her own thing, only I felt like she was slowly absorbing me into that world of hers.
And so for the day, I followed her as she did as she wished. She took off her sandals, edging closer to the lake. Unlike yesterday her smile was different as well. It didn’t look like something she was trying to keep up, but rather something that was a part of her. And she looked happy.
Back then it was hard to imagine why someone would be happy spending time with me.
To be honest it still is.
I could still remember how she walked into the lake, getting the lower half of her simple dress wet. I rolled up my pants so as to not get clothing wet but as I got up she pulled me down into the water with her. Normally when I had to get into water I would armor myself tightly just to avoid getting wet.
This time, I allowed myself to fall in without resisting, water filled in my ears and nose, blocking most of my senses. Down there in the shallow water with me was Kasumi, whose hair began to float. The red in her eyes paled and she swam deeper into the pool, speeding away from me. I wasn’t the best swimmer, but I tried my best to chase her without using magic. The lake wasn’t that deep, but it was quite large. I could make out her figure in front of me, steadily flowing to the center of the lake.
I kicked harder, and I began to catch up to her. She turned to look at me once, noticing that I had gotten noticeably faster than before, she sped up as well. And thus our small race around the lake began, as the two of us bumped into fish and other aquatic life in the lake on our path. I gained speed on her as I got used to swimming.
The two of us had to reach out for breath, choosing to go up at the same time. We both broke through the water’s surface, gasping for breath.
“Catch me if you can!” I heard her taunt before she dipped away, going back in the water. I chased with haste, this time I caught up to her easily. I grabbed her leg, preventing her from going too far. When I did though, I felt nauseous. We both surfaced once again, and this time I wasn’t just gasping for air. I could hear her laughing behind me, but I began swimming to the shore.
I couldn’t do it.
Everytime I tried to touch a woman, the same thing happened. I gargled up water on the shore, unable to remain still. It actually hurt physically now. My head was spinning, and I could see the old scars that had faded heating up. Physically, there were no longer there, but it felt like molten iron had been poured onto my skin. I slammed the ground, as I heard Kasumi rise up from the lake. Water dripped by my side as she came to me, trying to help me up. I moved away from her, now too unstable to want to be around here.
“Stay away!” I shouted at her.
She didn’t seem to be bothered by how angry I sounded and looked. In fact,she seemed perfectly fine with it. I sat down on my butt, turning around as water dripped down from my hair. A warm fire appeared from her fingers, spreading across her hand and to my feet. It wasn’t hot, in fact, it was simply warm. The flames enveloped my legs, and up my body as the water immediately began to dissipate. It took less than a minute for all of the clothes and my body to feel dry once more. Her clothes had dried up as well.
I didn’t want to be here anymore, I realized. I stood up, dusting off my clothes and began to walk away without explanation. I didn’t get very far before I heard her voice, still by the lakeside.
“So you’re running away again.”
I turned back to look at her one more time.
“You should know by now that nothing will change, because you refuse to change,” she sounded as if she was lecturing a child. “
I snickered. “You still haven’t told me why you’re doing any of this. Nothing you do will matter, because I don’t care.”
“Go on then, run. Keep running away from everyone and everything. Keep using your past and your mistakes as an excuse. You’re so pathetic that you’re blaming everything on yourself, you fail to see that you don’t deserve to be alone. I know nothing about you… but I wish I did. So that you don’t have to carry all your burdens alone.”
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“Why? Why’re you doing this?”
“Because you don’t deserve to be alone. Not after you’ve done for everyone. Not after you’ve done my race.”
“You know nothing about me. What makes you think you can understand how I feel when you’re completely clueless to the things I’ve seen and the things I’ve felt?” I shouted.
“Then tell me,” she shouted back, just as loud as me. “Stop running. Stop waiting another day, only for you to change your mind. Just tell me. Stop… be alone.”
Her voice surprised me. For someone that seemed so smug and calculating, she was rather vocal about her thoughts.
She wasn’t done yet. “I saw it in your memories. I saw how you beat yourself over everything that went wrong. I saw how you wish you could have done more, even after all that you’ve done. I saw how you walk in the front, leading everyone behind you to battle. Having to put up a front, act like everything’s fine just because you need to be an example for others. And I’ve seen how you’re torn between doing the right thing and doing what’s necessary. Even with how little I saw, I’ve seen enough. Enough to know what kind of person you are. But not enough to understand.”
She began walking up. I stood exactly where I was, confused and perplexed at the same time. “So if you want to run… run to someone. Run to me.”
I didn’t quite understand who she was, or what she wanted. But I knew that she was different. She didn’t look at me with dread or fear, she didn’t try to dance around the past or my personality. She was bashful, honest and perfectly wild. It was my first real human interaction in a while, where I actually felt something. And it felt wrong, because I felt like I didn’t deserve it.
But sometimes a person needs someone else to believe in them before they can believe in themselves.
So when she approached me, I didn’t try to run away. I didn’t try to come up with an excuse. I just stood there, waiting for what she would do to me. And she most definitely surprised me.
She slapped me across the face.
I couldn’t remember a woman ever slapping me before.
It was a one of a kind slap. It didn’t hurt, it was rather gentle. But what it did was knock some sense into me.
“I’m not going to watch you do this to yourself,” she declared. “I’m not going to allow one of the few good living beings in this world twist themselves to death.”
I simply watched as she put her hands on her hips with confidence that I wouldn’t get mad. She was right.
All the meanwhile, she smiled a bright, childish and peaceful smile.
She grabbed my hand, and this time I didn’t feel any urge to fight back. Her fingers traced the etchings in my palm, calming me down. She smelled of fresh saltwater, and this time the memories didn’t come back. It just didn’t.
She slowly walked, gently holding my hand. Her hand almost slipped out of mine before I clenched, holding it tightly.
A surprised face met mine as she turned around, and she stuck her tongue out. I could see her mouth out “I win,” as she began running, leaving me behind by the lakeside. Of course, I chased after her. It wasn’t that hard, but I had gotten a tad bit slower.
We went back to the herd of cows, still grazing away under the morning sun. The sun rose up, and very soon noon came upon us. We sat under the shade, she laid down on the ground on her back while I leaned on the tree. She just slept there, peacefully. Not a single care in the world. Not worried about anything that I would do to her. Or anything that I could do to her.
I sat there waiting, watching for any threats. But it was all for naught, because we were on a farm, far away from swords and magic. Yet in my head I could only imagine the threats and the danger that just wasn’t there. Just like Eileen had said, the peace was too unnerving.
“Urrghhh,” Kasumi stretched, grabbing my legs as she got up. She yawned, looked up at the sun and ruffled her hair. Now it was a bit undone, but not enough to call it a mess. She took one look at the time, and then at me.
“You know, I can feel your uneasiness even when I’m sleeping?”
“Sorry,” I scratched the back of my head. It was just a force of habit.
“Your turn,” she put her hands to the side of my head, pulling me down to the ground on my side. My feet shifted to the side as I found my head resting on her thighs. My breathing became faster, and I swear I could see the memories once again.
“Shhhhh,” Kasumi whispered, brushing my hair. “It’s fine.”
The image of that girl from the cave seemed to flutter about. Appearing and disappearing, zooming into existence and falling apart all at the same time.
“You can rest now,” Kasumi leaned into my ear and said so softly it felt like feathers grazing my face.
And then it completely disappeared. My body softened, and I slowly laid down more comfortably on the ground. She helped me roll onto my back, meeting her face. She smiled, stroking my hair as I stared at her, my mouth slightly open.
“Why don’t you sleep now?” she asked.
And so I did. My eyes shut and it didn’t take long for me to sleep.
Never before had I slept so comfortably before. Every night as I prepared to lay down in my bed, I swear that the shadows began to flicker and I began to see things in the dark. Everytime I put my blanket over me, I could feel centipedes crawling up my legs. When I checked, there was nothing there. Constantly there would be voices in my head, and not just Asura’s. I would eventually fall asleep, but it truly made me wonder if I was being haunted for what I had done. And then the nightmares began.
So imagine my surprise that just when she held me closely, protecting me as I tried to rest, that I couldn’t even remember how long it took me to fall asleep. I could feel something flowing through my head, something peaceful, quiet and calming. The nightmares didn’t come. In fact, it was so peaceful that it made me nervous at first. Then I welcomed the peace and tranquility, something that I had desired for a while now. Something that I thought that I didn't deserve.
When I opened my eyes again, Kasumi was still there. It was so soft and warm. I just wanted to keep laying down there. She stroked my head, smiling as always. I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to think. I just wanted to stay there, for as long as possible, even if it was a strange thing to do.
“You seem tired,” she tilted her head, still smiling down at me.
“I’m fine,” I shrugged softly.
“You haven’t had a good night’s sleep in months, have you?” she pouted. “You can at least tell the truth on that matter.”
“Perhaps,” I didn’t want to admit it. I closed my eyes once more, still laying completely still.
“Do you like reading? I saw you at the library the other day.”
“So that was actually you.”
“I was surprised when I saw you there. Typically no one’s there during that time of the day.”
“I had an errand to run in the morning.”
“Ah, you have a job?”
“Not quite. I help out at the castle sometimes.”
“Are you still part of the army?”
“Kind of. I still help out, when I feel like it.”
“I see,” there was a drop in her voice, like it was a bad response.
“Is there something wrong?”
“No… just surprised.”
“Why.”
“For someone so sick and tired of war, you’re still a part of it. Even to this day.”
“I have nothing else.”
“You seek nothing else. You desire nothing else. The only living being to this day that has nothing to think of but the past,” her soft warm fingers brushed against the tip of my hair. “And it’s killing you.”
I didn’t say anything. She was right. It was like everything I’ve slowly realized over the years but was too afraid to admit to myself was being revealed all at the same time. It made me feel… vulnerable. Predictable. Weak. Everything that I had been taught and strived to avoid becoming.
“I’ve always been that way,” I responded quietly.
“Then it’s time to change.”
“People don’t change. They never change.”
“You think too much and feel too little.”
“I’ve seen enough of the people in this world. I want no part in their lives.”
“You don’t have to give the world another chance…” she whispered. “Just yourself.”
The soft winds blew up her air, and I could smell the scent of blueberries on her. When she had reapplied the scent, I had no idea.
The day passed on, and nothing in particular happened. We had a meal together, while she continued talking. I listened carefully, responding to each of her questions and trying to talk to her as best as I could. As the sun began to set we both slowly walked back to Visereal. Other farmers on the way waved and greeted Kasumi as I stood by her side. Most of them seemed to be well acquainted with her, leaving me in an awkward position. Unintentionally I began to walk a bit further from her but she grabbed my hand, winking at me.
“You’re not going anywhere,” she smiled.
It was the same smile I saw during the morning, but as we drew closer to the capital the smile faded more and more. Eventually it turned into a frown. And from the moment she said goodbye to everyone she knew and went through the gates, the cold and indifferent feel returned to her. There was a clear change in her demeanor as we were once surrounded by high gray brick houses and towers, trapped by the high city walls.
She stopped holding my hand, and it slid out of my reach. Unaware of the right thing to do, I continued following her, all the way back to the brothel in which she lived. Now that I had escorted her back back home, I took the opportunity to take my leave without another word.
“Where’re you going?” I heard her call me from behind.
Surprised, I turned around. “Home.”
“It’s still rather early, you don’t have anything else to do, right?”
“Yeah, but…” I began.
“But?”
“You don’t seem to be up for company any longer.”
“Don’t mind me.” she looked around, not even trying to hide her discomfort in the city. “I just don’t belong here.”
She proceeded to enter the brothel without another word, and I followed her. As soon as she had entered the establishment a small group of girls approached Kasumi, grabbing her hand and immediately began asking where she had been. I was left out of the conversation thankfully, but a few of them noticed that I was there and waved at me. I didn’t respond, waiting for Kasumi as she turned around, motioning me to follow her.
We went back up, after which she closed the door first.
“Let me change,” she stated as she closed the door.
I could still see her silhouette through the thin paper door. It felt wrong, so I looked away, taking a seat on the stairs to ensure my mind didn’t go anywhere.
I heard the door slide behind me, and for a moment I wanted to run away.
“Come in.”
So I fought the urge, and walked inside her room. It was the same as before, but there was a painting on a stand. There was something on it, but I wasn’t able to understand what. Kasumi herself had changed into a plain light cyan night gown that complimented her white hair. I liked light colors, so I thought it matched.
“You don’t like the city, do you?” I asked as I sat down.
“Not at all.”
“I see.”
She tied up her hair into a ponytail, sitting by the windowside. Her slender arms grabbed the canvas and a paintbrush. She tilted the painting in a way that I couldn’t see it, but I could still see her face. We sat there for a short while as she painted and I watched.
“What’re you painting?” I finally grew curious enough to ask.
“You.”
“Oh,” I hadn’t been expecting that. “May I see it?”
“After I’m done,” and she continued painting.
I began to wonder just exactly how I looked to her, because I myself couldn’t even remember how I looked years ago anymore. Life had just passed in a blur and the least of my concerns was how I looked through the whole ordeal.
So I let her paint, slowly but surely. Some time passed as I kept looking at her. Her eyelashes were kind of long, and as she painted the robes around her arms slid down a bit. I continued to wait, and it wasn’t before long that she put down her paintbrush, putting her hand around her chin and looked at the finished product. She tilted her head from side to side before seeming satisfied, and turned the canvas around.
What she had drawn was a picture of me. Obviously.
Except I looked so worn and so tired. Like a statue that had been slowly wilting and rotting for years, the scowl on my face had been forcefully etched on my head. And none of this was a surprise to me. The only thing that even surprised me was how well she was able to draw my face with such detail. She was clearly a good artist. The colors she chose were simple black and white, with a bit of gray in between. If I had to select one word to describe the painting, it would have been “dead.”
“What a sad color,” I whispered unintentionally.
“You don’t like it?” she came over to my side.
“No, I didn’t mean it that way,” I explained. “It’s just… I just look…”
“Dead inside?”
“Yeah.”
Kasumi reached out on the table, pouring me a cup of red wine. She handed me a cup which I accepted and she took her own, before drinking it.
“A kitsune’s eyes are even more sensitive to magic than an elf’s,” she began. “My mother could see the colors of love, like most of our race can. The same was true for my brother. But me… my eyes didn’t reveal love, or hate to me. They revealed the colors of desire.”
She raised a single finger, flicking a single drop of fire upwards onto the painting. It slowly drizzled upwards in the painting, drying the paint on the canvas immediately. Her hands reached out once more, tapping on the portrait she had drawn of me.
“Blood red, the color of vengeance. A mellow yellow, the color of greed. A most graceful green, the color of envy. A noble purple, the color of pride. A light, pleasant blue for sloth. A deep, depthful blue for lust. A citrusy orange, for gluttony,” her voice trailed off into the distance. “I’ve seen so many colors my entire life. And this is my first time seeing such… absolved colors.”
“What does black mean? After all it seems to be the most abundant color you see inside of me.” I grew curious.
“I don’t know. I’ve seen too little of it. The same could be said for white.”
“I see.”
“But I have a theory. I read a long time ago that black is the presence of all colors, and white is the absence of any. And ever since then I can’t help but notice that although black is shunned as the color of darkness, and of evil, it’s the most human. After all, what is life without desire, without hunger?” she laid down on the floor, urging me to do the same. We put our legs under the table, her gown sprawling across the floor slightly.
“And white is the most evil color. Without emotion, without understanding, what kind of life would that even be? Without the presence of sin, or desire, what drives it forward?” she turned towards me, her fingers moved up from the floor to my chest. I didn’t have a negative reaction to it. “You may not have the brightest colors, but that merely means that you don’t let any of your desires overpower you. You are black and white… a most human and monstrous color.”
Listening to her speak was interesting. The way that she perceived colors was far different from anything I had heard before. At the same time it felt comforting to hear that the colors she saw inside of me weren’t terrible like I had imagined, bringing some peace to my mind.
“So you don’t think these colors are ugly?” I asked to reaffirm.
“Not at all,” she smiled, getting up. “In fact, I think they confirm the fact that you’re human. Just like the rest of us.”
And perhaps that was what began it all. She was an interesting person, dragging me out all the way to the outskirts of town just to change the mood. Throughout the day she didn't seem to be bothered by how rude and unattentive I was. Nor was she concerned over how I had reacted so bitterly to her attempts to speak with me. And in a single day she had broken more walls than anyone ever had in the past six years.
It hurt. It really did. Even though the war was over, even though there was no more reason to be worried, my formless scars yearned to fight. I had nothing else to wish for, because I hadn’t seen anything but war in the past six years. Everytime I donned the black armor in which I entered battle, I was reminded of the grim beast that I surrendered myself to. Even after a battle was over, I only saw glimpses of the disaster I had brought to the world. Pain, and suffering. I thought I had been doing the right thing, but over time I began to doubt myself. Was this really the only way? I never found the answer to that question, so I believed that it was never meant to be answered.
And now Kasumi seemed to bring to me something that I wish I could have.
Peace.
I didn’t know whether I deserved it or not. Not after all that I had done.
People never changed. I believed that it was a fact.
So it was a hypocrite’s wish for me to want to move on, a wish that opposed everything that I wished for.
I wanted something else. I wanted to stop being a soldier.. I wanted to feel. I wanted to be human.
And finally, I had found someone that thought that I was real.
Someone that entertained the possibility that I could be human.
A person that didn’t choose to run away. Someone that gave me a chance, even if I might not deserve it. So that she could try to prove that the world wasn’t as grim and terrible as I imagined it to be.
So I chose to give the world one more chance. Just one more.