Our group, crestfallen but mayhaps slightly bemused that their first treasure map brought them to an island already looted by a member of the Purple Handle, Graybeard, returns to their dinghy to row back to Nigel’s Wit (or, the Bastard’s Wit, as Tenli likes to call it).

As they rowed, they saw a dark and slithering shape under them in the warm southern waters. Tenli, on her toes, gave it a good old blast of the Eldritch. It disappeared further into the murk. Orophor, smelling adventure, picked up a fishing rod inside the dinghy, and gave it a cast. Something took the bait.

And nearly pulled Orophor straight out of the dinghy. If not for Sven’s mighty grip, Orophor would have splashed into the water. The two held on to the line for some time as whatever beast of the sea drug them out, further from the Bastard’s Wit.

Sensing his instinct may have been a poor one, Orophor let go the rod, and the sea swallowed it down. Fey took the oars, and they rowed back toward the ship. But not fast enough to avoid a thrashing tentacle, which popped out of the water and lunged at Fey, grabbing her wrist. Tenli sent out another blast, and the suckers of the tentacle pop-pop-popped off Fey. The tentacle writhed, then crashed down on the dinghy, cracking the hull.

They rowed like mad. Balthazar, from atop the ship, threw down a weighted rope, and landed it in the dinghy. The party and the crew of the ship pulled, and the dinghy made it alongside Bastard’s Wit. Everybody scurried up the ladder, Tenli staying behind to fend off the beast. She blasted and blasted, and finally, made it up the ladder herself.

Captain Moogie screeched and hollered at the group for the nincompoopery of casting a fishing line at a kraken. The rest of the crew ran full tilt to get the ship sailing. Moogie seemed calm enough, considering, and admitted that if the kraken only poked one tentacle out of the water, then they would probably be all right.

And they were. They sailed the open seas. Sven and Balthazar went down to the mess hall, holding pinkies as is dragonborn cultural tradition. On the menu were hard biscuits, fish stew, and a little butter and ale. Sven tried to talk the cook into some extra biscuits, but in the end, had to settle for taking a biscuit from Balthazar.

Gugu tried her arm against Krakow. They locked hands, and Gugu mustered all her strength, but couldn’t budge Krakow an inch. He won. She doubled her bet, and this time, before they began, she told Krakow she had a secret to tell him. A secret, about her panties. Krakow flushed, but still beat her, only this time, he winked when he pinned her.

After a night of rest, Tenli spotted two humps on the horizon. Wooded hills sprouting from the ocean, with some charred trees at the top. Again, the party set out in a dingy, leaving Balthazar behind. On the shore of the island, they saw disemboweled pygmy deer, the corpses gouged with claw marks and purple feathers lying about.

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Beorn stuck one of the feathers in his hair, while Orophor felt the feathers, their scaly texture leading him to suspect, harpies lived on the island. Perhaps with babies.

They crept their way into the interior of the island. After several hours of creeping, in the dead of night, they reached the saddle of the hills, where the treasure map theoretically pointed. And sure enough, an enormous nest lay in wait for them.

Tenli, spotting a beautiful whale bone poking from the nest, went to try to dislodge it. She nearly ruined their element of surprise, but at the last second, Orophor saw what she was doing, and helped push the puzzle of bones and branches back into place, whispering “no no no” to Tenli. Once she turned away, he took the whale bone out himself and dropped it in his bag of holding.

Orophor crept up above the nest to have a look in, and saw one matriarch harpy and two young. He also spotted the glitter of gold underneath the matriarch, deep in the nest. Tenli, using her telepathy, asked what he saw. To which he responded “there is no treasure.” And so, Tenli told the gang they should pack up and head back to the boat. Seeing his mistake, Orophor admitted, there was, in fact, treasure.

Beorn cast pass without a trace, and they crept their way around the nest. Zain assisted, especially with Beorn and Sven, who couldn’t see a fucking thing in the dark. The harpies rested below, asleep, with bloody teeth and huge titties.

With everybody in position, Orophor snuck up on the Matriarch, and made a sneak attack. With one knife, he carved off the great left nipple of the harpy, mutilating this poor creature’s breast. With the other knife, he tried to get the other nipple to even it out, but missed and instead carved out a huge chunk.

Sven charged in, blind as a blindfolded barbarian, and whirled his warhammer in a tornado, by luck smacking a baby harpy, a bloody mess of feathers raining down on him. Orophor attempted to make another sneak attack, but the inflamed harpy wouldn’t take her eye off him, not for a second. So he just stabbed her plain as day.

Gugu nailed the beast with an arrow. The harpy, woken from her sleep by a cold knife on her nip, began to sing her luring song. Sven, Beorn, and Zain felt their manhood stiffen, and fell under her charm. The rest of the group kept their heads. Fey rushed in, greatsword swinging, and delivered two great blows, lopping off the Harpy’s wing and its leg.

The other baby scratched Sven.

Tenli then finished off the matriarch, delivering a devastating blast to its head, its great nippleless breasts swaying as she fell down dead in the nest.

Zain, choosing to have some fun, lassoed a baby harpy, which Tenli then put to sleep. Beorn finished off the final baby with a mighty ax throw, that hit it dead in its little baby head.

They approached the shimmer of gold within the nest.