Barra da Tijuca, Rio de Janeiro
Saturday, 10:00. The weekend is finally here. Sun, beach, warm weather, and a little rest after a full week of studying. And our heroes, Vinicius "Vini" Valverde and Enzo Carvalho, would do their best to make the most of these rare moments of peace. For example, discussing the principal questions of life. Where we come from, where we go after death, the great human achievements, and of course...
- Hey, Vini, what's wrong with mothers who name their children "Dick"? - Enzo asked.
A lot of random stuff.
- What? - Vini didn't understand.
- I mean... Imagine the mother with the child in a playground and then she shouts: hey, Dick!
- What's your point exactly?
- It's traumatic for the kid. He will grow up thinking he is an asshole and a walking penis.
- You are right, and it is not traumatic at all to hear the bullshit you are telling me now.
Hearing those meaningless comments, Vini finally found a gap to escape Enzo's babbling. He took advantage of the free corridor right in front of him in his living room and soon assumed the position of dictator of the television remote control. Finally, calm began to reign. After flipping through a few channels, it took him a while to find something interesting. Seconds later, Enzo joined him on the couch, but did not seem very impressed by the content shown on the TV.
- What are you watching? - Belgium asked as she sat down next to Vini.
- I don't know, some La Liga crap. - Enzo replied.
- Valencia and Real Sociedad. - Vini corrected him.
- Two crappy teams. - Enzo complained. - When was the last shot on goal in the game?
- Since the second half?
Vini started counting with his fingers. And he answered:
- Zero.
- Zero? - Belgium was impressed. - So the players are not doing anything?
- Technically, they are doing something, they just aren't shooting at the goal.
- But isn't that the point of the whole game?
- It is not an exact science, Belgium.
- Right now it is just 22 idiots chasing a ball. - Italy said.
- They already were as soon as they entered the field. - Belgium continued.
- And technically there are 20, because the goalkeepers are not chasing the ball. - Enzo said.
Taking advantage of the temporary hush, Vini's girlfriend had to talk to Vini about an important matter.
- Hey, baby, now that you've spoken, I need you to do me a favor. - said Belgium.
- What?
- Nobody said anything here. - Enzo reminded.
- Go to the drugstore and buy some products for me. I have the list on my cell phone and I'll send it to you through WhatsApp.
- What do I have to buy?
- Girl stuff.
- Syrup and Tylenol? - Enzo asked.
- Very funny, Enzo. Can you get it for me, honey?
- Sure, sweetheart.
- Take Enzo with you. - Italy suggested.
Enzo could feel a slight spasm.
- Why? - he asked.
- To help Vini and prevent him from being devoured by a capybara.
- He can be devoured as far as I'm concerned. - Enzo smiled. - I'll even help the capybara if it needs me.
In the end, however, there was no way out. Enzo was forced to go with Vini to the pharmacy. And, I don't know, but he didn't seem very happy, and the first chance he got, he hit Vini on the back of the head, but not too hard, only to show his frustration.
- Why did you hit me? - Vini asked.
- Because you're a moron! "Sure, Belgium, I'll buy your girly crap, Belgium. "I'm emasculated, Belgium. "I have no opinion of my own, Belgium. "I do everything for you and fuck the rest".
- That's why you can't maintain a relationship, Enzo! I just did her a favor.
- Bite me, Vini! Look at this shit! Tampon remover, what the fuck is that? Pad? It looks more like a Fiat car!
- Just ask the sales rep. Nothing too hard.
- And I don't know why I came with you.
- You know, I am also asking myself this question. And I can't find any reasonable answer.
- And the worst of all. What the fuck is a Jumbo Tampons with wings?
- With wings? - Vini also looked confused.
- That's right, it must be like Red Bull. Gives you Wings. Right?
- You must have waited all this time to make that joke, right?
Enzo shrugged.
- At some point it had to pay off.
- I don't know, but I have a bad feeling that we are going down the rabbit hole.
- Do you want to go back to Lake? We can still give up.
- You give up too easily, Enzo. My goodness!
- You've never stopped me before.
After a twenty-minute walk down the bike lane on the street of Lake, Vini and Enzo finally arrived at the first pharmacy, hoping to get all the items on Belgium's list. But as it turned out, the search was going to prove quite protracted, because neither Vini, nor Enzo for that matter, knew what the devil the products listed by Belgium were.
- It's okay, Enzo, no panic. We are rational people with at least two working neurons. - Vini said, but soon corrected himself. - At least one of us.
- Thank you, you ass. - Enzo smiled ironically.
- We can do it. Can't we?
- I doubt it.
And with this dose of hope and positive thinking, Vini walked into the store alone, since Enzo had proven to be a complete useless person up to that point. And it didn't take long for the first problem to emerge.
- There is no one to attend to me.
Seconds later, which seemed like hours, Enzo appeared to help him, apparently.
- So, did you get it?
- Yes, Enzo. Look at the products here in my hand!
To avoid a hissy fit, Vini went to the only cashier available, a young man of at least twenty years of age. He was wearing a blouse with the pharmacy's logo on the chest and braces on his teeth.
- What can I do for you?
- I need a sanitary pad. - said Vini.
- First aisle.
Vini looked at the place the attendant pointed to with his index finger.
- But I was there. That's not possible. Isn't that the children's section?
Unfortunately, Vini didn't get an answer.
- Well? - Enzo smiled debauched. - How has the great hunt for the lost treasure of Atlantis been?
- Terrible! - Vini was sincere. - I don't know what to do. This place is worse than that time we were in that women's clothing store.
- Oh, yes. - Enzo remembered. - That was a fun day.
A few meters ahead, Enzo spotted a beautiful woman, about 35 years old, blonde, with light eyes, long legs and jeans. Considering the circumstances, this could be a great time to seek help...
- Why don't you ask that woman?
Or sink down completely.
- That woman? - Vini didn't understand.
- She's a woman, isn't she?
- Yes, she looks like a woman.
- She acts like a woman?
Vini stared at her from afar again.
- She has those bloody colorful IPhone case. But so does James Corden, so I don't know jackshit.
- And what are we looking for?
- Women's stuff... - Finally Vini understood Enzo's point. - Oh, I get it!
- My congratulations, Professor Farnsworth.
Vini chased after that woman in the hope of getting some answers, but unfortunately, as it turned out, it was a complete and total waste of time, as the interpretations for that request were not exactly well received.
- Sorry, kid, but I'm too old for you. - she said, walking away from Vini with a confused expression.
From a distance, Vini could see Enzo laughing hysterically at this rather embarrassing scene.
- Very funny, Enzo. Very funny.
- Oh, you thought that, too? - Enzo asked, ironically.
Knowing that staying there would only be an accumulation of problems, Vini followed Enzo to the next pharmacy, about three kilometers away. And it didn't take long for another hiccup to occur.
- Oh, holy shit. Look - Enzo pointed ahead, in the direction of the three-lane boulevard.
- Oh, Enzo, do you have to make a remark for every beautiful woman you meet on the street?
- The hell with the woman, Vini. Look at that red Civic!
This plot twist Vini wasn't expecting. How strange.
- Oh, forgive me.
- Wow. The generation 9 Civic is simply pornography on wheels!
- And here we go.
- I'm sexually attracted to that Civic, Vini!
- And there's a piece of information I really didn't need.
It was awful. Vini really didn't need to hear that rubbish. But then, he realized a little twist. It was all about Belgium and her ridiculous favor. If only regret could kill, maybe this story wouldn't even have made it past the first paragraph.
Nevertheless, Vini still needed to finish the job. And he was hoping to have a little more luck this time. And when he got to the counter, he immediately asked the question that seemed to haunt him:
- I need a Jumbo Tampons with wings.
The cashier didn't understand.
- Say it again.
- Jumbo Tampons with wings! - Vini repeated.
Meanwhile, Enzo seemed bored as he was waiting for Vini outside the pharmacy. There was nothing interesting to be done, and the pigeons sitting still on the telephone wires looked very suspicious. Therefore, he felt obliged to ask a dangerous question:
- What can I do to annoy Vini?
Once back at the pharmacy, Vini's whole situation was not leading to a happy ending, because the salesgirl believed that he just wanted to crack an unfunny joke.
- I'm serious, I'm not fooling around! - Vini defended himself. - My girlfriend asked me to buy it!
- Are you sure she doesn't mean panty hose?
Vini was certainly confused.
- What is a panty hose?
- Don't you know? - The attendant was surprised.
- And how am I going to know which one my girlfriend uses?
- The ones that come in the blue box. - Enzo said as he approached the counter and intruded in the conversation.
Vini was amazed. For several reasons.
- What are you doin' here? I thought you were outside feeding the pigeons.
- Jesus, Vini! - Enzo was disgusted. - I hate pigeons. Rats with wings!
But Vini nearly forgot his initial concern.
- How do you know which one is Belgium's tampon box?
- You moron, have you forgotten that I dated Italy? And that they are sisters? And that I slept in Belgium's room and used her bathroom once in a while?
And that Enzo once dated Belgium, but Vini strangely forgot this fact?
- Was that a stupid question? - Vini asked, embarrassed. - Am I making a fool of myself?
- You've been making a fool of yourself since the beginning of the chapter! Why bother now?
- I'm sorry, sir, but I have no idea what this product is. - The attendant seemed sincere in her words.
From afar, Enzo could notice two older women laughing, most likely overhearing Vini's conversation with the cashier and taking advantage of the lack of anything to do to make fun of Vini.
- Vini. - Enzo nudged his shoulder to get his attention.
And finally Vini understood the situation.
- What's so amusing? - Vini asked, a little frustrated.
- I don't understand, old people on cell phones can't hear anything, but these two seem to have Superman's audition? - Enzo asked an irrelevant, but curious question.
And another cul-de-sac. The second pharmacy did not have the absorbent pad that Belgium had ordered hours before. This search was really turning into a real and infamous treasure hunt, which very soon could turn into a witch hunt.
Once again, the duo had to go to the mall to find Belgium's item. There was no other alternative. Vini didn't know any other pharmacy nearby, at least that's what he thought.
- Oh, no. I hate shopping mall pharmacies. - said Enzo, anticipating the voiceover.
- I feel like I'm going to regret asking, but why?
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- Because the sales assistants are so arrogant! Or they look like those smiling stuffed animals!
Vini already regrets it.
- You know what? I think we should give it a try. - Vini announced.
- Why?
- Because I am about to give up and you are really getting on my nerves.
There was no other justification. So, Vini headed to the mall with Enzo, even if against his will, but it seemed that Vini would take his friend's silliness into consideration. Anyway, it didn't take long before they found the pharmacy, located strangely enough next to a sportswear store. Vini went in first, and soon after, Enzo. To try to avoid embarrassment, Vini quickly went towards the counter, but problems didn't take long to emerge. Again.
- I need a woman. - he said, without any background.
- We all do. - The male employee replied. - We just don't need child support.
- What? No, that's not what I meant. - Vini tried to correct himself. - I need some woman to help me with my problem.
- Only a woman can solve it? That's kind of sexist.
- Are you going to help me or not?
- Fine, whatever.
- You know you're not going to get high numbers when I evaluate your service, right?
Anyway, the counter guy managed to find a woman employee at the pharmacy, who seemed very helpful, apparently.
- What is your name, sir?
- Enzo. - Vini answered, lying, of course. - I need a Jumbo Tampons with wings.
The woman made a confused expression.
- Say it again.
- Jumbo Tampons with wings.
- What would that be exactly?
- My girlfriend says it's like a tampon.
- I have never seen this in my life, Mr. Enzo.
- Have you managed to solve the problem yet, Vini? - says the real Enzo.
The woman operator didn't understand. She looked even more confused than before.
- Vini? Aren't you Enzo?
- Of course he is not! - said Enzo. - That retard is not me! Do I look like a fucking Mexican?
- You know what? Fuck that! - Vini got tired. - Fuck her! Fuck Jumbo fucking Tampons with wings! Fuck everything that moves! Fuck everything that breathes!
- Easy, Kyle Busch! - Enzo replied.
- Shut up, Enzo! If you say one more word, you're going down the shit hole!
- Wow, you look sour.
- I'm sour, because I can't find the damn product Belgium ordered! It shouldn't be so difficult!
- Buddy, all I can say... - Enzo put his arm around Vini's shoulders. - Belgium is stone-cold insane.
- You're not helping matters.
- Oh, you were looking for help? I thought the idea was simply to make you even more miserable.
Vini stood there frustrated. Then, Enzo decided to offer a courtesy, something a bit unusual for his persona.
- Hey, relax. I have jujubes!
- Where did you get these? - Vini was curious.
- I got them from the cashier.
- Enzo!
- Oh, goddamn it, Vini! Can't you cooperate in anything?
- Go to the cashier and pay for the fucking jujubes!
- All right, all right! Holy shit! This is going downhill from bad to worse!
In the check-out line, Enzo stared at the products in the counter next to the cash register. And, of course, Vini noticed Enzo's stares. After all, Enzo was an idiot.
- How is your stock? - Enzo asked a direct question. Or sort of direct.
- Why are you asking me this? - Vini felt pressured.
- Because it is important so that when you need it you don't come up with excuses.
Vini was surprised.
- I've never done that.
And Enzo didn't believe it.
- Oh, really?
- Oh, yeah.
- So you're going to tell me you never have bad breath?
Wait a minute.
- What did you say?
- You know, it's always good to have a breath mint in your pocket. Just in case.
Vini was still incredulous.
- Oh.
- What? - Enzo didn't understand the reason for his doubt and reaction.
- Nothing, nothing.
- Anyway, do you want the jujubes?
After a few seconds, Vini answered:
- Fine. Get two.
As soon as they left the pharmacy, Vini thought of no other option but to call Belgium and explain the situation. What could be worse? He was sure that Belgium would be understanding. So he picked up his cell phone and typed in his girlfriend's number.
- Baby, I couldn't find it! - Vini tried to explain himself. - We went to three pharmacies! We couldn't find what you wanted.
- Vini! In any pharmacy you can find my absorbents. Stop dogging it! - said Belgium. From the tone of her voice she sounded frustrated. - Stop being so soft! You're only acting all mushy because you're going to buy women's things!
- That's a little unfair, but I'll take it under advisement.
- What did Belgium say? - Enzo asked.
- That we're sluggish and incompetent.
- What? - Enzo was annoyed. - Get out! I may be incompetent, but I'm not... Whatever the word she'd used! Let me talk to this skank!
- Enzo! - Vini complained.
- Listen here, you crazy bitch, we've been looking for your women's diapers so far, but no luck! So stop being such an insufferable wench!
But before Enzo could finish his speech, Belgium hung up the phone, which made Enzo even more furious.
- Your girlfriend is completely insane! She is a totally crazy lulu gal!
- To this day I can't decipher what you mean by that!
- It doesn't matter, Vini! I can't take this shit anymore! I'm losing my mind because of fucking Belgium! I feel like the Congo and Belgium is the... Fucking Belgium! She's driving me so crazy that I've lost my fucking reference!
- That's up to you.
- Shut up! I'm so mad! If i were Phil Collins i'd be written a song about this moment!
After a couple more angry words by Enzo, Vini decided to leave him behind because it was so convenient at that moment, and to head alone to the next drugstore. The problem, however, is that despite being without Enzo's unpleasant company, Vini did not seem very convinced that he would succeed once again.
And his theory proved correct, because once again he had problems with the absorbent. In order - in theory - to avoid further embarrassment, Vini decided to call the manager.
- Excuse me, I need some information. - Vini said. - I need Jumbo Tampons with wings.
Unfortunately, Vini failed to control the volume of his voice. And it had dreadful consequences.
- What is the name of the product, sir? - asked the manager again, doing her best to hold back her laughter.
- Jumbo Tampons with wings?
- Where did you hear that?
- I don't know, my girlfriend needs this shit, I've never heard of it either.
And it didn't take long for Vini to realize that everyone in the pharmacy was not just paying attention to the conversation, but also laughing at the whole situation. What was he supposed to do? Just leave the pharmacy and call Belgium once again.
- Belgium, my love, I don't know what to do. - Vini tried to explain. - I asked the manager if she had your tampon.
- And? - Belgium asked cynically.
- Everyone in the line started laughing! Why did everyone start laughing at me?
- Maybe they thought the name was funny.
Ah, that was too cynical. But surprisingly, Vini had not realized this yet.
Seconds later, Vini found Enzo standing outside with a cigar in his left hand, apparently waiting for a positive definition. Nah, in fact he just wanted to make fun of Vini. And this seemed like another golden opportunity.
- How did it go, genius? - Enzo asked.
- Quiet! - was Vini's reply. - I don't want to hear you.
- Now what? Do you have any more great ideas?
- Find the damn Jumbo Tampons with wings or die trying.
Oh, Enzo would have a meltdown if he ever heard that name again.
- Vini, have you ever stopped to think that Belgium might be making fun of us?
Vini didn't understand.
- What do you mean?
- It's a lie!
- What? Belgium would never do that.
- And why not?
- Because... Because she wouldn't.
Enzo had heard enough.
- So... I think I understand.
- What?
- You are a fucking retard and your brain is in the wrong head.
- Funny you tell me that.
- We're not talking about me, you fool.
In that moment.
Although he wouldn't say it out loud, it didn't take much time for Vini to begin to suspect Belgium's real intentions. After all, if they were absorbents, tampons, whatever, Vini and Enzo shouldn't have so much trouble finding the stuff. In a matter of hours, Vini would be forced to convoke NASA to track down this absorbent of Belgium's. At one point during the walk, in the center lane of Americas Avenue, Vini was surprised by one of the vehicles at the traffic light, waiting for the green light to come on. Not exactly by the vehicle, but by another curious detail.
- An orange Corolla. This is an unusual color for a Corolla.
- You know what I think of Corolla, Vini.
- I do. And that Corolla drivers... - Vini started to talk.
- Are the Civic drivers who can't afford one. - Enzo finished.
- I think that's probably the thousandth time I've heard that from you.
- I only feel bad that the Civic is so much more expensive than the Corolla. What would I do? Would I sell the Toyota and a kidney to get the Civic? I can't live without one of the kidneys, can I?
Well...
- Actually... - said Vini. - You kind of can.
Enzo seemed surprised to hear that.
- Really? It's not a hoax?
- No, Enzo.
- What about the lung? Can I live with only one lung?
- Yes, you can.
Why did Vini have to say?
- So, Vini. Look at my brilliant idea. - Enzo soon cheered up again. - I sell the Corolla, my kidney and my lung, and buy the Civic.
- Einstein would be impressed with such genius.
After a while, Vini and Enzo reached yet another pharmacy, this time emptier than the last one and with no one to disturb them. However, to avoid any more trouble, Vini decided to call Belgium one more time and roll the dice. As soon as she answered the call, Vini went to the women's products shelf and looked once again for her product on the shelf.
- Honey, there is the "sport absorbent". - Vini was impressed with the variety of options available. - Does it fits?
- Sport? - Enzo began to laugh. - This could work for me.
- Shut up, Enzo! - Vini complained.
- Sorry, dear. - Belgium brought bad news. Again. - My absorbent is very specific.
- But don't they do the same thing? What's the difference between a sports absorbent and a normal one?
- Belgium can barely hold a ball! Why would she use a sports pad?
- What is that idiot Enzo saying there? - asked Belgium.
- Idiot Enzo is confused and so am I! - said Vini.
- Vini, I told you to go after my pads.
- What about the tampon?
- What about it?
- What the fuck is this shit, Belgium? - Enzo took the cell phone from Vini. - Are you trying to drive me out of my mind?
- Tampon is an internal absorbent, you donkey!
- How the fuck was I supposed to know that?
- Maybe if you actually paid attention in sex education class!
- And how was that supposed to help me anyway?
This scene couldn't get any worse. In theory. To prevent any further questioning, Vini took the cell phone from Enzo and returned to his partially civilized conversation with his girlfriend.
- What color is the package?
- Blue.
- There are three blue packages here, honey. But none of them are called Jumbo... I don't know.
- Vini! - Enzo nudged his shoulder.
Obviously Vini thought it was another one of Enzo's antics, but then everything made sense. Even without Enzo's incredible vision from a distance, he could see a woman leaving the pharmacy with a blue box in her purse, very similar to the other products on the shelf, only different. It couldn't be a coincidence. At least theoretically.
- Belgium, I gotta go. I found your product.
- What?
Vini didn't even have time to explain. He simply hung up the phone and ran to try to approach this woman, hoping she would be compassionate.
- Excuse me, ma'am. - said Vini, flustered. - I see you bought this product at the pharmacy.
- Yes, yes, those are my tampons. - she said. - It was the last case.
Vini smiled. Because those circumstances could only indicate one thing.
- I need that box for my girlfriend.
- Really?
- Yeah. I know it's weird, but she was very specific.
- Well, I already paid for the box and they only distribute it at this pharmacy. I'm stocking it.
What?
- Stocking? For what reason? A war?
- So I don't have to go to the pharmacy every week.
- This is very selfish! I need that box more than you do!
- Look, kid... I don't have time for your silliness.
The funny thing is that the line was identical with Enzo. After the initial contact, the woman simply stepped away and left Vini talking to himself in the middle of the street. And then, even a little delayed, Enzo popped up again.
- So? Did you get any? As if I didn't already know...
- I can't believe I'm going to say this, but we need that box and you're going to help me with that.
Enzo smiled. Probably ironically.
- Why?
- Because I can't handle it anymore.
- That's a good reason. What's on your mind?
After the unpleasant encounter with Vini, the woman seemed nervous, she looked back a few times worried she would meet him again. As she approached her vehicle in the parking lot, she let the car key fall to the ground. And then two hooded people appeared from behind the woman, with a plastic bag over their heads and something hidden under their blouses, probably a gun.
- Give me the bag! Pass me the bag!
The woman began to panic. She dropped it on the floor and turned away, shaking all over. Then, one of the guys grabbed the bag and removed the blue box from inside. And ran off with his partner right behind him. Something had to be said. This was definitely not a normal robbery.
- We will never do this again. - said Vini, taking the garbage bag off his head.
- Someone threw up in my bag. - Enzo complained. - It smells like shit!
- That was not a good line, Enzo.
- Shut up, Vini! Holy fuck! Get that damn thing out of my fucking head!
Hours later, Enzo and Vini finally returned to Lake. They didn't notice how time had passed, but it was already close to evening. They just wanted some quiet, rest, and a few compliments, who knows. As Enzo walked into the elevator, he couldn't wait to drink an iced Matte and smoke a cigar. Fortunately, that madness came to an end with a positive outcome.
- Holy shit, what a day. - Enzo said.
- Come on, it was fun. - Vini disagreed.
- Don't ever call me for shit like that again, Vinicius Valverde.
- Deal.
Vini took the key from his pocket and turned the knob to open the door. He was surprised to find Belgium, Russia and Italy in his apartment. Suspicious, he thought.
- Slumber party? - he asked.
Enzo stared at Vini.
- Party? Sounds more like an Africa share meeting in 1884!
- Hello my love! - said Belgium hugging him.
- Here, honey, I brought the pads, tampons, whatever you call that rubbish.
- Oh, darling. You really have. - Belgium was happy, but also surprised.
- Of course I did! You asked me to. - Vini justified.
- Should we tell? - Russia stared at Belgium.
- Tell what? - Enzo asked.
- It was a prank. Tik Tok's.
It was Enzo's turn to face Vini.
- What's a Tik Tok? - Enzo asked.
- So all this was for nothing? - Vini didn't look very pleased.
- Well, not exactly. - Belgium smiled. - I'll save this box for when I finish the other one.
- I told you, you stupid idiot! - Enzo pointed at Vini. - I told you it was a diabolical scam by Belgium!
- What took you so long? - Italy asked, trying to contain her laughter.
- You don't wanna know. - Enzo replied.
- The product doesn't exist, we invented it. - Russia smiled.
- That makes me even happier. - Vini smiled wryly.
- Oh, come on, Vini. Give me a little smile. - Belgium tried to cheer him up. - It was very kind of you to try so hard. I appreciate it very much.
- Oh, shut up, Belgium! - Enzo complained.
- Oh, stop being so dramatic, Enzo! - Italy said. - Get a glass of Matte. On the rocks.
- Finally I'm tasting the sweet taste of victory.
Many kilometers away, a metallic, plate-shaped spacecraft was flying over the huge blue planet, dodging some cosmic boulders and terrestrial satellites. Inside the spaceship, two creatures with tentacles and one eye were talking about the events of the story in a particular language, but one that will be translated simultaneously.
- So Enzo and Vini have been tricked? - asked one of the creatures.
- It would certainly seem so. - The other alien creature replied.
- What do we do now?
- Blow up the earth, obviously.
Then a huge laser beam appeared from underneath the ship. A single shot was fired and went straight on at an incredible speed until it hit the center of California, leading to its destruction, as well as the rest of the planet, which became mere cosmic dust in the immensity of space as we know it.