Barra da Tijuca, Rio de Janeiro

Barra da Tijuca, Thursday. 22:00. It's another normal day in the regular lives of best buddies Enzo Carvalho and Vinicius "Vini" Valverde, longtime partners, despite all the mishaps and disagreements that naturally occur in a lifelong friendship. Over time, they came to accept each other's annoying habits. Actually, there weren't that many, the problem is when those very habits are extremely obvious and pop up at inopportune moments. And yet again, Enzo was the troublemaker. But, as opposed to what the title of the story says, the plot begins a few days earlier, on a cloudy, moonless Thursday, surrounded by wind and low temperatures, in the best neighborhood on the planet, Barra da Tijuca, in the best condominium in the world, Lake Buena Vista, where Vini and Enzo reside. Due to the weather, there was no one walking on the street or on the bike lane alongside the smelly canal that has been the topic of many controversies and complaints from the residents over the years.

Well, after contextualizing, Enzo turned on his laptop and spent a long time looking for things to do. He didn't feel like leaving the house that night and probably his... Let's say his girlfriends wouldn't be willing to leave their house either. And Vini certainly didn't want to see him, because earlier that day he had a very explicit message saying:

"Belgium is arriving today. I won't be able to see you. Don't insist. You moron".

And there you have it. A straightforward, honest and clear message. The problem is that a bored Enzo is worse than a considered ordinary Enzo and the consequences of his actions are beyond measure. But, at least for now, everything was running its normal course. Enzo was bored in an online e-commerce store, the largest in South America. Even if he wasn't going to buy anything, which he most likely wouldn't, just having thousands of options available a click away was enough to kill a few hours of a lost night with no prospects. But then something astonishing happened. In one of the many tabs on the site, Enzo found a very interesting product.

- No fucking way on earth!

Meanwhile, downstairs, Vini invited Belgium to his apartment. Despite the unfavorable weather conditions, Mr. Banks agreed without any hesitation to take his daughter to Lake late at night. The two had a good relationship, so Vini needed to use that fact to his advantage. To spice up the evening, he thought of something a little extra. Vini ordered a pizza, which arrived twenty minutes later, lit two candles and placed them in the center of the table and turned off the lights.

- Hi - said Vini before kissing her.

- Hi, honey. - Belgium smiled.

Before complimenting her, Vini did a quick up and down check on his girlfriend with his eyes. Discreetly, of course.

- You look gorgeous.

Vini was right. What a girl! Of all the Europe sisters, as they were kindly known, Belgium was without a doubt the most beautiful of them all. Despite the natural problems of any young couple, Vini and Belgium remained together. And if the narrator's opinion is anything to go by, so be it.

- Did you order the pizza? - She asked.

- It's already on the plate. And it's very hot. Just like you.

She started laughing.

- You silly boy! I don't even know you!

In fact, making comments with a double meaning was not Vini's style. Although he didn't put it into words, Vini blamed the resident of the apartment upstairs, even though he hadn't been at the scene the whole night.

Until that moment.

After a lovely dinner, Vini and Belgium went to the sofa, but not to do what you're probably wondering. To tell the truth, Vini's tradition of a romantic date night involved the following steps: calling Belgium to the apartment or the other way around, a romantic dinner, watching a silly movie, sex and eventually going to sleep. Perhaps Vini didn't notice the routine, which he should have after such a long time, but Belgium never once claimed to, so, in theory, Vini's plan was cruising along. However, for some other reason, Vini decided to change things up a bit. Instead of choosing a movie, he stayed on the sofa, leaned forward and began to slowly kiss his girlfriend, who also reciprocated. Belgium closed her eyes and felt his lips touch her neck with the softness of a flower petal. And then, without warning, the shadow of a familiar female figure interrupted the moment and destroyed the mood, the fault lies with Vini's aunt.

- Ignore me, ignore me, ignore me. - She said, crossing the entire living room and walking past the couple.

- It's gonna be hard now, auntie. - Said Vini, a little frustrated.

And when she'd left, Belgium looked at Vini, expecting him to come up with a plan B. Sadly, that wasn't the case. So there was only one last option left, the sure-fire option:

- Adam Sandler movie?

Vini shrugged.

- I need to chuckle a bit after that one.

There's no need to mention the feeling of frustration on Vini's face. But the evening wasn't entirely lost. Not yet. Because as soon as the title Just Go with It appeared very large on the 52-inch TV screen, three knocks on the door disturbed the peace once again.

- Oh, great! - Vini lamented. Again. - What now? As if I didn't already know...

And Vini got it right once again.

- Vini, you won't believe it. - Enzo said, strangely excited.

- I left you a very clear message, Enzo. If you're here, then you're not doing what I told you!

- Come on, Vini. From what I couldn't hear, you're not doing anything anyway.

After that remark, Vini thought about saying something rather rude in response. But instead, Vini quietened himself and just blurted it out:

- What do you want, Enzo?

- I found the book. The Invasion. The original book we've been looking for years!

Is that all?

- Bye, Enzo. - Vini pushed him out of the apartment.

- What? You really wanted that book! - Enzo recalled. - We couldn't find it in any bookstore back then! Now's our shot.

It would be pointless arguing with him and Vini was aware of it. In an attempt to save that night's flop, Vini thought it would be better to pay attention to Enzo, in order to get rid of him as quickly as possible.

- All right, Enzo. How much is it?

- 10 bucks.

Vini was impressed. Belgium too.

- Blimey. Very cheap. - She said.

- Can I go and buy it?

Vini would be an idiot to say anything other than...

- Yes, you can.

And after ruining their date night, Enzo theoretically finalized the purchase on the website. The problem emerged after that, as soon as the total price of the purchase appeared on the screen like a rat coming out of a hole in the wall of an abandoned house.

- What? Are you shitting me? - Enzo complained sharply. - Vini, look at this shit!

- What happened, Enzo? - Vini asked, annoyed.

- Look at this crap! Look at the shipping cost!

Vini and Belgium moved closer to the screen to try to understand what the fuss was actually about.

- Wow, pricey. - Belgium confessed.

- It's twice the fucking value of the book! - Enzo added.

- That's ridiculous! - Vini said. - How can they charge almost three times the price of the book just to bring it home?

- Holy shit, Vini! Incredible!

- All right, it's not that bad.

- Not bad enough? Are you out of your goddamn mind? I'm not going to pay three times as much, when the whole thing is due to the shipping! No way, Jose!

- Oh, no. - Vini predicted what Enzo would say next. - Don't you dare say what I think you're going to say.

- We'll get the book in person.

Vini burst into three ironic laughs. And then he replied:

- What's this "we" business? I don't mind paying the fucking shipping. You're the one having a temper tantrum about it.

- Vini, this is a rip-off. An assisted robbery. A crime with a victim. An attack...

- Okay, I get it, Enzo!

- We'll get the book tomorrow. Where's the address?

After a few clicks on the computer keyboard and a short trip on Google Maps, the three of them had the answer.

- It's about forty-five kilometers away.

- All because Enzo is a complete wanker? - Belgium asked an important question.

Yes.

- No - Enzo denied. - I don't want to pay the price of two books when I'm only going to take one. It's stupid.

- Enzo is an idiot.

- Oh, chill out, Vini. And besides, we have a car.

Belgium stared at Vini, who did the same. What exactly did Enzo mean by that?

- What kind of car is this, Enzo, that I don't know and have never seen before? My aunt doesn't have a car.

So, Enzo stared at Belgium for a few long seconds, with those hungry dog eyes, trying to convince her. Well, he didn't succeed. And such audacity on Enzo's part. Fortunately, Belgium wasn't persuaded. In response, Vini's girlfriend laughed ironically and questioned him further:

- You're kidding, right? Do you think my father is your chauffeur?

- No, but he is your chauffeur. Come on, Belgium Banks, be reasonable!

- No! I'm not going to ask my dad to take you and Vini to the other side of the city simply for the sake of saving money! Just pay the shipping and let it go!

- You can go too!

- What? I'm not going!

- All right, all right! - Vini interrupted them. The situation was taking a dangerous turn - We don't need to fight. Belgium, you don't have to talk to your father, we'll go by bus.

Enzo was immediately surprised.

- Julio doesn't go by that direction.

Vini remained silent. Which could only mean one thing...

- Oh, no, Vini! Holy shit! You are serious? The urban bus?

- What were you expecting? Aladdin's flying carpet?

- Considering the address we're going to, we'd probably get shot dead on the flying carpet.

- Probably two. Or even five.

- I hate the public bus, Vini.

- I know that.

- They never stick to the schedule, there are unbearable peddlers, the buses are dirty and people don't usually wear 212s, if you know what I mean.

- I also know that.

- So screw it. I'll pay the shipping.

Vini shook his head negatively.

- Oh, no, no, no! There's no going back! It's over!

- Can't you tell the salesman that we've changed our minds?

- No! You can't!

- Aren't you even going to make an effort?

- To save yourself, you'll need a lot more than just an effort, you idiot!

- Fine! Do whatever you want! I don't care! I don't need you or anybody else!

This was nowhere near the truth, but Enzo always had to make a scene. Remember the first paragraph of the story about the annoying habits?

But that was it. Enzo had dug his own grave and now he needed to get out of the mudhole. Metaphorically. Nevertheless, Enzo tried his best to avoid public transport. Why? Well, if you live in a small town, or in a medium-sized city, or in a big city, but in a country that doesn't belong to the third world, then here's a description of what public transport is like in a big metropolis. Chaos. Hell on earth. Where Judas betrayed Jesus. But, in fact, something unexpected always happens, which defies human logic and gives the funny feeling that we are living in a reality run by the little green men from Mars. Which is why Enzo is so preoccupied.

- Do you want me to take you to the other side of town? - Mr. Banks asked.

- You know, I didn't want to say this, but Vini's too embarrassed to ask...

- Oh, shut up, Enzo, you're such a liar! - Shouted Russia, in the other room of the house.

- Anyway... - Enzo tried to cover it up.

- But what are you two doing over there?

- Vini has a collectors' convention. It's a strange thing. Your son-in-law is very strange, Mr. Banks.

- What's that? Dad, are you going to believe this crap coming from that idiot Enzo? - Russia came out of nowhere to disprove Enzo's story. Historically and geographically, Russia tends to be a problem and mess everything up. In the Banks household, too, oddly enough.

- Enzo is trying to get a free ride and wants to engage Vini, who is another idiot to go along with it.

That's it. Judged, sentenced, hanged. And to make matters worse, Vini was brought in as well.

- Sorry, kid. - Said Mr. Banks.

- Yeah, yeah. - Enzo acknowledged his defeat.

But there was still one last chance. Small? Yes. But for someone who has nothing, any hope is worthwhile. And Enzo was banking on that to avoid the jam-packed bus. In a moment of weakness, he took his cell phone out of his pocket and typed a few words on Whatsapp to Julio, the friendly bus driver from the association where they lived, which of course included Lake. Over time, Vini and Enzo made friends with the driver, who religiously waited for them at the bus stop at six in the morning until they reached their school. Enzo relied on Julio's goodwill and a small favor.

- Sorry, Enzo, I can't get a bus just to take you and Vini to the other end of the city. It's not on the route.

- Julio, come on! - Enzo tried to create an online appeal. - You always wanted to take a bus and create different itineraries.

- Really? I don't remember saying that. And that's something I would remember.

Another one of Enzo's humdrum stories.

But he couldn't manage it. He tried, but all the alternatives he considered sank like the Titanic. Unfortunately, as it turned out, Enzo was the frozen Leonardo.

Finally, the Big Day arrived. Enzo and Vini started walking to the bus stop very early, maybe half past seven in the morning. The walk took no more than five minutes. Vini seemed ready, even though he was going against his will as a result of a snag Enzo had caused. Yet what was he allowed to do? If he let Enzo go alone, as Belgium and Russia both suggested, the chances of his friend not returning and being found in a garbage bag in Colombia were enormous. You always have to be ahead of the problem, as Mr. Banks, a very wise man, says. Soon, all that remained was to wait in the kilometric line that formed next to three buses of the same color, same brand, practically twins, triplets, in fact.

- Oh my God. - Enzo was amazed. - So many people! Where are these people going?

- Enzo, when was the last time you actually took a bus?

Oh, Enzo had to make a huge mental effort to answer. Does anyone have a fire extinguisher?

- I don't know. - He replied, a few seconds later. - As far as I was concerned, they'd been out of business for years.

Yes, Enzo is out of touch with reality from time to time.

Sitting in one of those plastic bar chairs, an elderly man wearing a white blouse and a black tie was distracted by a cigarette and a newspaper. He didn't seem to care much about the length of the line, which was getting longer every minute. Then, he stood up, which cheered the crowd up, but unfortunately the joy was short-lived, as the man simply returned to his chair seconds later with a cup of coffee.

- Oh, Baby Jane, this is gonna last forever. - Vini regretted.

Still, it could be worse.

After an endless wait of half an hour, the grumpy driver finally climbed back out of his chair, dropped the newspaper on the floor and rummaged around in some secret compartment at the front of the bus, which somehow strangely opened the front door. Perhaps the driver was a magician, or perhaps there was another more rational explanation. The point is that the passengers gradually settled into their seats. Some paid cash directly to the driver, which was always a concern, especially in moments like these:

- Do you have change for fifty? - One passenger asked.

Remember. First ride of the day. Early in the morning. Ticket that costs four and a half cents. Cranky bus driver who hates his job. What is the only plausible answer to this burning question?

- No - he answered without any enthusiasm.

In the middle of the line, Vini began to suspect that they probably wouldn't find two seats nearby and unoccupied, which could perhaps be a good omen. The only problem was that Vini's mental mathematics started to kick in from that moment on. Vini calculated the number of people left in the line, envisioned the number of seats on an ordinary bus and eventually came to a conclusion:

- Shit. We're going to have to remain on our feet.

Enzo stared at him for three whole seconds.

- No bloody chance. - He replied. - I'm not going to stand for three hours.

- You're on your feet now, Enzo! What's the fucking difference?

Vini's counter-argument was less than impressive. And Enzo's justification was even worse.

- Vini, you know I get seasick very easily.

- Oh, yeah, I forgot I was traveling with a child.

But the situation still needed to be addressed. A decision had to be made as soon as possible.

- Let's wait. - Vini said.

Vini soon allowed anyone who wanted to pass him to hop on the first bus, which was now completely packed. The feeling of riding a bus in a third world country is similar to being - to paraphrase John McClane in Die Hard - in a sardine can, just like the character in the ventilation ducts of Nakatomi Plaza. The problem is that, in Vini's head, he would be first in line with Enzo as soon as the first sardine can left the terminal. The big question was whether the other passengers would agree.

And after more than twenty minutes, the first can of sardines finally started moving, scattering in the middle of the traffic jam as far away as it possibly could. It would be time for the second bus to stop and accommodate the passengers. Well, there was a chance that the next driver would be nicer than the previous one, but in public transport in a third world country, take it from here. There's no guarantee of nothing. There's no guarantee of comfort, cleanliness... There's no guarantee that you'll even reach your final destination. The question is what might actually occur during the ride. It's more mysterious than the Bermuda Triangle, with the small difference that the bus won't disappear without a trace and the History Channel probably won't make a single episode about it.

Turning back, the front door swung open. The driver signaled with his hands for Vini to climb the bus's two steps. But a woman pulled up without reason and overtook him. At first, Vini misunderstood. But if he kept quiet, no damage done. Unfortunately, that wasn't exactly forthcoming.

- Hey! You got ahead of us! - Enzo complained.

- You're the ones who cut in line! - The woman replied.

- What? How did we cut in line? We've been waiting in here the whole time! We didn't even leave our place!

- Yes, but you got out of line and let everyone else through!

- So what? I can return. - Enzo answered once again. - And who the fuck are you? The line police?

Well, to avoid a lynching, Vini allowed a few more people to get on the bus. After a while, a nice lady gave her spot to Vini and Enzo.

- These people are very tense. - She said, trying to make conversation with Vini.

- Tell me about it. - Vini agreed.

And, seconds afterwards, the two of them looked for a place to sit. Two, in fact. Soon, Vini realized that the bus was reasonably full. The little lady quickly got a seat, but Vini wasn't so lucky, as opposed to Enzo, of course. That lucky guy, Vini thought silently, while exchanging angry glances with him. The little lady stared at Vini, who was a little uncomfortable with the unwarranted glances. Please say something, but don't stare at me like I'm some kind of Martian.

- I'm sorry, but you're so cute. - She said.

Oh.

- Thank you. - Vini smiled. - I don't usually get that many compliments.

- I have a grandson who would be lovely for you.

- He's with me. - Enzo accidentally stepped in, meters ahead.

Uh-oh. What else could happen?

- Oh, I'm sorry. - She said, embarrassed. - I didn't know you were... Accompanied.

- Vinicius Valverde! - Enzo made a dramatic impression. - I'm stunned! You're cheating on me! That's the second time this week that I know of!

- Shut up, Enzo!

But don't imagine it was all a bed of roses for Enzo, because the seat next to him immediately went empty, for some unexplained reason. But who cares? Just as he was about to tell Vini, a beautiful girl appeared on the bus, blonde, with long straight hair, light eyes, long legs and a thin face, in other words, the standard of Enzo's girlfriends, only in a traveling sardine can.

- You've got to be joking. - Said Vini as he watched the scene from afar.

She stared at the seats of the sardine can and regretted it at first. The expression on her face changed as soon as she saw the free seat next to Enzo. Then, a fat, huge man, perhaps bigger than the bus itself, managed to get his body through the turnstile and lunged at Enzo. It was Enzo's chance to regret it, because of course the fat man was going to end up next to Enzo instead of the hot blonde. And so he did.

- Ha, ha! - Vini laughed at Enzo's misery.

- Stand on your feet and shut up! - Enzo replied to Vini's ironic chuckle.

To make the situation even worse, the fat man started squeezing Enzo's poor - okay, not so poor - body, with his legs stretched out like Pac-Man's mouth to either side, almost sitting on Enzo's lap.

- You're shitting me! - Enzo complained silently. - Move over!

It was horrible. Enzo felt like he was in an airport, a small single-engine plane sharing the runway with an Airbus A380. How could it get any worse?

Well, sure, because the big man opened his smelly backpack for the very first time. In Enzo's mind, he could only get two things out of it. One, a bomb; two, some smelly food. And with that information available, Enzo was hoping that it was indeed an explosive. Unfortunately, the Brazilian terrorists were not yet at the level of ETA, ISIS or the 9/11 attacks, because the man brought with him a huge sandwich at least four levels high, with all the nasty ingredients that Enzo abhorred. Mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup, olives, chicken breast, lettuce and pickle sauce. And after all of that, Enzo just wanted to die.

- Would you like a slice? - The gargantuan asked.

- Nah, I'm fine. - Enzo replied with a disgusted grimace.

- Too bad, it's very tasty.

Maybe that was true, but the scent of that burger was making Enzo woozy. He felt his body pressure drop dramatically and began to sweat coldly. He really wanted to collapse and immediately wake up at his final destination, but the chances of him ending in Mexico in some cartel ranch house were extremely high.

- This is gonna be shit. - Enzo lamented.

Unfortunately, Enzo didn't faint, the sandwich remained smelly for a few more minutes, the pretty girl vanished and Vini was quieter than a Toyota Prius road car. Seconds later, the little lady stood up and said goodbye to Vini with a wave of her hands and a friendly smile.

- Good luck with your boyfriend. - she said.

Well, all that was left for Vini to say in reply was:

- Thank you. There's a feeling I'm really going to need it.

Suddenly, the seat next to Vini was free. He immediately thought of calling Enzo, but before he could say a word, a woman sat down next to him, wearing a gray hoodie and a huge dark coat. At first, Vini didn't care, little did he know what was coming. Randomly, the woman began to tremble, removed the hood from her head and said loudly:

- No, no, no! Stop it!

What?

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

- What? - Vini didn't understand.

- You're not my husband! You shut up!

Vini didn't know how to act. Everyone on the bus began to stare at him. The scene didn't make any sense and out of context people could have various thoughts about whatever was happening.

- You disgusting freak! - The woman continued, but didn't look at Vini. - I hate you! I hate you!

- Vini? - Enzo called him. - What the fuck?

- How the fuck do I know? - Vini couldn't react. - She started screaming out of the blue!

And again, the woman put the hood over her head and remained silent, trembling. And, as bizarre as it seemed, everyone on the bus completely ignored the events that had just taken place. Those who were on their cell phones returned to their online world; those who were sleeping went back to sleeping; those who were listening to music continued with their tunes. Everyone except Vini, who was left traumatized by the whole experience. As quickly as he could, he jumped up from his seat and ran towards Enzo, even if he had to stand up, much better than being accused of anything by some crazy person. As he approached Enzo, he soon realized how big the problem was.

- Holy shit, that smells awful!

And to make matters more complicated, Vini heard a funny noise, thick and loud, the death knell. The fat man looked at Vini, who stared at Enzo for a few seconds, waiting for some divine explanation or something else.

- The Star Wars are fighting in his stomach. - Enzo replied.

I wonder who's winning?

- All right, I'm not interested. - Vini said.

Finally, the fat man started to get up and walked towards the exit door. A miracle, Enzo thought, which took a long time to happen. After all the hustle and bustle, the air became cleaner, the birds sang happily and the bus even moved faster. Coincidences. Vini finally sat down next to Enzo, who smiled at his presence.

- Unbelievable. - Enzo started complaining. - There was a beautiful girl and a fat man getting on the bus. Of course the fat guy was going to sit next to me because my luck is so fucked up.

No way was Enzo saying that.

- Come on, Enzo, did you really think the pretty blonde was going to sit next to you? You see... Whenever there's a chance of something good and something completely bad happening, expect the worst.

- What do you mean?

- If there's a seat available right next to you, and a fat guy and a pretty girl get in, you can be sure that the fat guy will sit down.

- Sounds pretty pessimistic.

- Life is pessimistic, my dear friend.

A few minutes later, Enzo heard a loud scream, but he couldn't identify what had been shouted. Then, the back door opened, a man got on the bus and it didn't take more than two seconds for him to complain again.

- Oh, great. That's not worth it.

- What? - Vini didn't understand.

- Look and behold.

A man carrying a wide variety of objects such as headphones, cookies and sweets on his back gave the driver a thumbs-up sign and then started selling his wares.

- Good morning, passengers. Sorry to interrupt the silence of the journey, but the peddler is bringing his best-selling products...

For those who have never taken a bus in Brazil, the name of these people who get on public buses for free selling things you probably don't need are called ambulantes or simply "camelôs". Needless to say, Enzo hated these camelôs for being outrageous and, as they put it, "interrupting the silence of the trip".

- I hate these street sellers! - Enzo complained again.

- And off we go again. - Vini accompanied him. Sort of.

- Only if they had a real ass job to start with.

And after that comment, Vini simply said:

- You know, Enzo, you have a side of yourself that's helpful and honest that I rarely get to see.

- So...?

- I don't really care for him.

- What do you mean?

- Come on, Enzo! Don't be mean. The guy probably earns a pittance, boards bus after bus in the hope that someone will pay attention to what he's saying...

- Of course not, Vinicius! Because it's not a real job! Real jobs pay real wages!

While they argued, the street dealer continued to try to sell his products on the bus.

- The camelô here brings a 4D bluetooth headset...

After hearing that iconic phrase, Enzo burst out laughing and stared at Vini. Fortunately, the man was not paying attention to Enzo's debauchery. 4D headset? Really? What does that even mean?

To kill time, Enzo finally decided to use his headphones. He took them out of his trouser pocket and put them in both ears. Unfortunately, the screams of the street dealer muffled the volume of the music, which slowly began to frustrate Enzo. To make the situation even worse, Enzo was secretly hiding a neurosis, a hidden lunacy that Vini always enjoyed whenever the situation called for it.

- Enzo, you idiot, nobody's looking at your phone to know what songs you're listening to. - Vini reminded him.

- The people in the back row might want to know and judge my taste in music. - Enzo justified. - Which is excellent, always good to remember.

To prove his theory, Vini turned to see if Enzo was being neurotic - although the answer is always yes - or if there was a certain sense in his words. But... What was demonstrated...

- Enzo, you're right. - Vini said as he repositioned himself in his chair again.

- They're watching, aren't they?

- Well, there are three people behind us. One is sleeping, almost falling out of his chair. The other is completely blind and the two-year-old on her lap may want to judge your taste in music in a few years' time when he learns how to read.

Enzo smiled wryly. And replied:

- Very funny, Vini.

But it was. And Vini couldn't help but take advantage of the moment to annoy him a little more. Because when Enzo secretly selected a random song from his playlist, he forgot to turn off the screen, which, in theory, shouldn't mean anything. However, as Vini's aim was to annoy his friend, he looked up in amazement when he noticed the screen on Enzo's device.

- Wait a minute! - Vini startled him. - What's that?

- What's what? - Enzo didn't understand.

- That music! - Vini pointed at the screen with his finger. - That song!

- What song, you moron!

- Go back to the album!

- No, I won't!

- Go back!

- No! - Enzo raged. - Stop being a brat!

- Enzo, do it! If you don't, I'll take the cell phone off your hands!

- Bring it on, you Mexican!

Oh, what Enzo didn't remember was that historically Vini had always been the stronger one, so this was one fight he was unlikely to win fairly. At first, Vini tried to immobilize him by locking his right arm, but Enzo managed to hide the device and, in a dirty blow, drove his finger right into one of Vini's green eyes, which immediately complained in pain.

- You son of a bitch! - Vini shouted.

- Stop being an asshole, Vini! - Enzo also moaned.

- You must be the most execrable human being on the planet!

Execrable. Doubt soon crossed Enzo's mind.

- To clarify, this is a bad thing, isn't it?

- Yes, Enzo, it's a bad thing! I'm going to give you the dictionary back so you can read it secretly like you always do.

Taking advantage of Enzo's carelessness, Vini swiftly grabbed the device out of Enzo's hands. He really didn't expect that.

- Ha! I've got your phone! - Vini began to tease him.

- Hey, you cheater! - Enzo complained, still frustrated.

- Look who's talking! You lost on your own ground!

- If you touch anything on my cell phone, you'll lose your eye, you prick!

- I just want to check it out.

And then Vini got the answer he didn't even know he was looking for.

- Oh, no! Enzo! - Vini was surprised. - Don't tell me this is true!

- Don't! - Enzo threatened him.

- Enzo Carvalho, you always surprise me.

- Don't you dare! Stop talking!

Finally the revelation.

- You listen to Glee! - Vini spoke so loudly that probably even the bus driver could have heard.

- Maybe. - Enzo replied. - A few songs. What's the problem?

- There are every album in here. Season one, season two, season three...

- I can listen to some covers. My taste is eclectic.

Eclectic, huh? Vini was impressed again.

- The Phil Collins fan... Elton John, Michael Bublé, Lionel Richie, Luis Miguel, Michael Bolton... Secretly listens to Rachel Berry covers.

Wait a minute.

- How do you even know that? - Enzo asked.

- I watch the show with Belgium. - Vini revealed. - She likes it and I enjoy it with her.

- If you like the show, why are you mocking me for it?

- Because I knew you'd get annoyed. And I couldn't help but tease you because you're so proud.

Enzo was taking the bait. Vini was a bad boy.

- But I don't watch the show. - Enzo justified. - I just like the songs. Rachel is the best singer in the show. And so is Finn.

- Stop bullshitting me! - Vini didn't believe. - You do watch the show!

- I don't, Vini! Stop stuffing me!

- Are you going to continue lying?

As George Costanza would say: it's not a lie if you believe it.

- What do you want me to say? - Enzo asked. - Oh, I watch the show just so you can keep your fucking mouth zipped?

- Admit it!

- No!

- Enzo, I know you do.

Wait a minute. How could Vini know?

- Where did you get that info, CNN? - Enzo asked an important question.

- Russia told me.

- Russia! - Enzo muttered. - That little tattletale! I knew she'd sell me out eventually.

- And that you loved Rachel and Finn and cried like a little girl when he left the show.

- But he died, Vini! - Enzo, of course, explained himself. - It's so sad!

- Ha! So you do know!

- Yes, I know! I admit it! I watch it! I watch it! - Enzo got tired of hiding it from Vini. - I watch Glee! I love Finn, I love Rachel, even though the actress is a horrible person and the character too! I like Mercedes! The character, not the team. I watch Glee! I watched all the seasons on Apple TV - Enzo shouted for the whole bus to hear. - Happy? Are you happy now?

- Hey, I watch it too! - I said... The beautiful blond girl.

Enzo grinned at Vini. Finally a bit of luck after that metaphorical storm of inopportune circumstances. Even Vini cracked a smile at the irony of Fate and the hilarious occurrences of a bus ride.

Returning to our scandalous camelô, after the bombastic revelation of Enzo's eclectic taste in music, the bus began to fill up with people again. The turnstile locked and people had to get on through the back door, some of whom hadn't even paid the ticket. To make things more difficult, the street dealer kept shouting, which annoyed the passengers and, of course, Enzo. At a random moment, the tout pushed a woman who was just trying to remain upright in the midst of the chaos.

- Hey, you pushed me! - She said.

- Sorry, ma'am. - The street hawker grumbled. - I'm working here.

Oh, no. Enzo couldn't take it anymore. The pinless grenade was about to explode and someone was going to be the culprit.

- Working? - Enzo stood up and made a funny face. - You're pulling my leg, right?

- Enzo, be quiet! Forget that shit. - Vini tried to warn him.

- No, no. - Enzo, of course, refused. - Haven't you noticed that this fucking bus is jammed and nobody wants to buy shit?

- Mate, I'm working here!

- Working? - Enzo repeated. - Oh, bite me! That's not a job! What do you do? Redistributing stock? What you sell I could just buy in any store! Get real!

- All right, buddy. - Said the street hawker.

- That's it! - Enzo continued his hissy fit. - And by the way, what are those 4D headphones you're selling?

- What do you mean?

- You heard me. Do I put on these headphones and Phil Collins appears in front of me drumming?

- Enzo, stop talking! - Vini pulled him by the shoulder.

- Stop telling me to be quiet, Vini! These street sellers are bullshit! They don't pay a ticket, they scream like we're in a Hard Rock Café and I don't remember ordering a fucking thing!

After all that, the vendor finally got off the bus. But then, obviously, more problems emerged. The traffic started to get slower and slower, which made sense, considering the neighborhood they were in and the ridiculously narrow streets for the abysmal amount of vehicles at that time of day.

- I hate this neighborhood. - Enzo complained. - The streets are narrow and no one overtakes anyone! I would never live in this shithole!

- Stop complaining, Enzo! - Vini complained... Enzo's rant.

And just when Enzo thought that silence would reign in the sardine can after a while, he was surprised again. A man walked through the roulette, all disheveled, wearing baggy colored pants and a gray blouse that was wet for who knows what reason. As soon as he had paid his ticket, he sat down behind Enzo and Vini, which certainly wasn't a good look. Enzo stared at Vini and made a small bet with him.

- Twenty bucks that guy who just got in will take out his cell phone and listen to music at maximum volume without headphones.

Vini looked puzzled.

- Why do you think that?

- Intuition.

- And will you be happy about it if you win the bet?

Enzo took a few seconds to answer.

- Probably not.

And as it turned out, Enzo was indeed right. The man sat down and took his cell phone out of his pants pocket to press a few buttons on the screen before the device started playing random songs at maximum volume. It seemed as if he didn't care about disturbing anyone. In theory, you can't listen to music without headphones to avoid disturbing the peace. The only trouble is enforcing the rules.

- Why are these people without headphones so used to using their cell phones as a stereo?

- It's a mystery, Enzo. - Vini was ironic.

- And they're always listening to dreadful songs. - Enzo continued.

- Let me guess. If Phil Collins was playing, would that be okay with you?

- Of course! I'd even encourage him. But, Vini, people with such refined musical taste as myself don't put Phil Collins on at maximum volume on a bus. Phil Collins needs to be appreciated, like a good wine or a good cigar. You will never find someone with a glass of wine on a bus, unless they have a very fucked-up life. What do you do instead?

- You swap wine for beer.

- Exactly!

And the man didn't seem to mind the whispers and parallel conversations about him. He just sat there, listening to his loud music and disturbing the other passengers.

Randomly during the trip, Enzo was absent-mindedly staring up at the sky, as there wasn't much in his surroundings that merited his attentive scrutiny. Then, after a few seconds, he broke the silence, which doesn't necessarily mean something wonderful.

- Look, Vini, that little dot in the sky.

- Where? - Vini feigned interest.

- Right there. - Enzo pointed.

- They must be ETs.

- From outer space?

- Have you ever heard of other aliens who aren't from outer space?

- Perhaps from Mexico.

Seconds later, Vini replied.

- Shut up, Enzo.

But, surprisingly, the subject didn't stop there.

- Hey, Vini, do you believe in aliens?

Uh-oh. A direct question that could lead to unnecessary future arguments.

- Me? No - Vini answered.

- No, seriously, Vini.

- I'm serious. I don't believe it.

- How can you not believe it?

- Simply by not believing.

- So, in this huge world, are we the only living beings in the universe?

- Well, it depends on what you consider living. Bacteria are alive, for example. They seem to have discovered such bacteria on Mars. But life like ours? That thinks and talks? No.

- What about all the videos, Vini?

- Oh, come on, Enzo. Those videos from 1989, shot on a fucking farm in a town towards the end of the world, Kentucky, with a video quality worse than those found footage videos like the Blair Witch.

- What are you saying?

- Too nuanced? Okay, I'm saying that, strangely enough, our cell phones have gotten better, our computers too, any schmuck nowadays has the best portable technology available, no matter where he or she lives... But alien videos have simply disappeared.

- So?

- It's as if the aliens knew that we'd have a better chance of catching them today with our IPhones and Samsung, Xiaomi... So they never visited us again.

- Maybe they think we're not interesting anymore. - Enzo came up with a theory. - We don't even know if a woman is a woman anymore!

- Add salt to injury.

- I see your point, Vini. But I don't agree.

- I'm excluding the aliens who blow up the Earth at the end of the story, important to remember. But you seem to have grasped Fermi's paradox well.

- What are you saying?

- Haven't you ever heard of it? Fermi's paradox is basically the lack of evidence for alien life, even though the statistics point to there actually being extraterrestrial existence.

- You talk like a fucking intellectual, Vini! It's extremely irritating!

- Space is huge, but there's no one there. There you go. Happy? I've simplified it as much as I can for retards like you.

- I can't believe there's a paradox for that. And who the hell is Fermi?

- Enrico Fermi. He's a physicist.

- He's the bum who thought this shit up?

- No. The paradox is in honor of him. Michael Hart, an astrophysicist, was the one who came up with this paradox.

- So Fermi gets the credit even after doing jackshit?

- Does this situation sound a bit familiar, Enzo Carvalho?

- Just drop dead, Vini.

Unfortunately, the end of that conversation represented a return to reality, as Vini soon became aware of the cruel inertia. Literally speaking. After twenty minutes in the same spot, Vini began to glare at Enzo. Despite his obvious frustration, he just wanted Enzo to admit what was abundantly clear.

- You're really not going to say anything? - Vini asked.

- What?

Unfortunately, with Enzo, the obvious needs to be explained.

- You just had to pay the fucking shipping! But no! You're too fucking cheap! Too arrogant! Too everything!

- Vini, stop bitching! - Enzo was strangely calm. - If you didn't want to come, then why didn't you stay with Belgium?

- Because... Unlike some people, I care about other people.

- Something tells me you're talking about me.

Oh, boy.

- Yes, I'm talking about you, you retard! Who else could it be?

To add insult to injury on the bus, the driver could no longer stand waiting behind the vehicles stopped in the street. This was, without a doubt, the journey to Hell. But the driver wasn't too interested in waiting behind anyone. In a sudden movement to the right, the bus climbed the sidewalk and began to move on two wheels. Needless to say, the chaos began again, with people shouting and confused. Pedestrians were forced to dodge the speeding vehicle. it was a mess.

- What's this Ken Block shit? - Enzo was impressed.

- Fuck this traffic! - replied the driver. - We'll get there faster!

- If you don't kill us first. - Vini reminded.

- Don't worry, i've got 35 years of experience!

- Oh, cool, so you've decided to become Max Verstappen? - Enzo questioned.

Despite the protests of the passengers, the driver continued to drive in a rather aggressive, but still very skillful, fashion. The real problem was when the four-lane avenue turned into a two-lane street. It didn't take long for the situation to take a dramatic turn, as the driver's lack of concern for traffic put them in a likely head-on collision with a truck coming in the opposite direction. Only a miracle could change that tragic end for everyone.

The following events lasted forever in Vini's mind. A mixture of confusion and unreality. Unfortunately, Vini could no longer differentiate between what was real and what was imaginary. There was no point in trying to understand his feelings at that moment. So he simply waited for some divine explanation of the sequence of events. Vini felt a strange wind, as if he were flying and his body strangely had the weight of a bird. There seemed to be nothing surrounding him, an intense darkness overtook his environment. What was happening? It didn't make sense. And, of course, everything got worse a few moments later, as Vini managed to regain consciousness. He knew his name, he was aware of his actions and that he was really awake. Gradually, his body returned to its natural physical state, apparently; the problem now became concentrated in his mind, as two green, one-eyed, identical beings, about six feet tall with several tentacles spread across their bodies, both appeared right in front of him. What could he do? Run? Go where? Fight? At that moment, he couldn't even tell what was real from his imagination. And for some reason, those unknown beings showed no signs of imminent danger. In fact, it seemed that they had come in peace.

- Who are you? - Vini asked the two extraterrestrial figures.

And after a few seconds, an answer was given.

- G2-spiri and Mariatink

- Better names than Elon Musk's child. - Vini made a silly comment.

- We know who you are. - Said G2. - Vinicius.

Yes, Vini was impressed.

- How do you know my name?

- We've been watching you. - Mariatink said.

- Even in the bathroom? - Vini was worried. - Holy shit, forgive me.

- Relax, Vini, we're not interested in what you do in your private moments.

Phew. What a relief.

- Are you really real? - Vini had to ask.

- More real than you. - G2 replied.

- Holy shit. Did I die? - Vini looked extremely worried.

- Oh, no, no, no. - G2 replied. - You're a good person, you deserve another nine decades of planetary life.

- So... What should I do? Am I dreaming?

- Not exactly, we just froze your space-time so that we could make a quick appearance without the inhabitants of this nefarious planet noticing.

- Something tells me you don't like Earth.

- Nothing against it. It's just that humans don't have an acceptable cognitive capacity by the standards of the Universe.

- Is that why you and your friends don't come to visit us?

- Pretty much. - Mariatink replied. - Have you checked Twitter? No offense, but your race is quite limited intellectually.

- None taken. - Vini smiled.

- We hate Earth. That's why we always blow up your planet at the end of the stories.

- And all those storylines about aliens wanting our resources, like in War of the Worlds and Independence Day?

- Do you really think we'd come to your planet for water? Our planet is quite evolved in that sense, Vini.

- So you'd be like the aliens in Arrival?

- Arrival?

- Yes, with Amy Adams, who spends the whole movie trying to translate alien burps. And she finds out that her unborn daughter is going to die in the future and Jeremy Renner is going to abandon her as a result. - Vini remained silent. - Shit, I told you the end of the movie. Watch it, though. It's very good.

- We're fine, your art doesn't interest us. - G2 revealed.

- Really? Because you'll fall in love with Amy Adams like me.

- We know all about you, Vini. What you do, who you like, who you hate, your dreams... We know you're a good person.

- Oh, that's very sweet of you.

- It would be very unfair to lose your life because of your idiot friend. - Mariatink recalled.

- It's always his fault. Very impressive. - G2 continued. - And yet you stand by him. That's one of the few qualities I genuinely appreciate in humans. The ability of the human race to love their fellow human beings even when some of them don't deserve it.

Vini started to laugh.

- Believe me, he's not so bad. Enzo has many qualities.

- Because of that... We'll give you a present.

Uh-oh. A gift from two interplanetary beings who hate your planet and everyone on it? What could it be?

- A gift?

- Yes. What do you call it here? Courtesy?

Vini shook his head.

- It seems that way.

- Have you ever wondered what humans want to know so much about?

- Life after death, whether there are other beings in the universe, past lives, whether God exists, why England are always favorites in World Cups when they've only won one and failed ever since?

- I have all these answers with me, Vini.

- Even the England part? Because I was just taking the edge off.

G2 shook one of his tentacles.

- Blame BBC for that.

- Anyway, Vini, we're going to give you a superpower. - Mariatink continued even after Vini's annoying interruption. - On one condition.

- That's okay. - Vini agreed immediately.

- You can't change anything.

- Change? What are you talking about?

- We'll give you the chance to see your life in the future. Initially, in the form of a movie. And for a whole minute, you will live your future. You'll know everything that will happen up to that point. You'll know what happened before and you'll live in the present. Then you'll return to your reality with that information. We'll be nice and we won't erase it from your memory. On the condition that you don't change anything.

- It will be a huge temporal mess. - Mariatink recalled.

- So I'll know what's going to happen in my life and I won't be able to do anything to change it? Not even a little, nothing?

- That won't be necessary, Vini. You'll see. We've been amicable.

- What we're going to offer you is pretty good.

- Well, I think it's fair. - Vini replied, sincerely. - A lot of people would love to know the future, but they'd probably tinker with a lot of things to make it better.

- That's alright. Just close your eyes and we'll do the rest.

- Wait a minute. - Vini interrupted them. - Is Enzo going to get one of these presents too?

G2 started laughing.

- These powers in Enzo's hands... It wouldn't end well. But I trust his judgment and we'll reward him in another way.

- But you think he's a bad person.

- Yes, we do. Humanity is terrible. You cause wars, you want to colonize other planets, you fight for the most trivial reasons and you buy Range Rovers.

- Forgive us for that. Especially the ending.

But one last question needed to be asked.

- Will we see each other again? - Vini asked.

- Maybe. - Mariatink replied, but without exactly answering. - But do not worry about it.

- Enjoy your life, Vini. We'll be watching. From the sky.

Then, without warning, Vini felt an enormous chill, his vision began to darken again and his body returned to its previous, strange, senseless and abnormal state. But little by little, he regained consciousness again. And not only that. Several images began to appear, not exactly in front of him physically, but in the form of small televisions transmitting flashes. It was a spectacular sensation, something difficult to explain. Vini began to watch his own moments, the successes and failures, the joys, glories and frustrations. Exactly as explained by the two extraterrestrial creatures. Finally, the big moment. As if he were waking up from a very good dream. At first, he felt a slight breeze, very different from the gale of moments before. The frightening darkness was transformed into a beautiful, inhospitable, sunny beach with white sand and low, crystal-clear waves. Unfortunately, Vini couldn't tell where it was, but he soon realized that it didn't matter. It could be anywhere. Next to him, Belgium was lying on her chest, reading a book, while four children of relatively different ages, but very similar to her, were running past the couple, shouting happily. Unfortunately for Vini, his time had expired, but the wonderful feeling that everything was going to end well calmed him down and reassured him for what was surely to come. Then, after the funny feeling had passed, he woke up. Technically.

- Vini! Look at that! - Enzo began to say a lot of things. - While you were in your weird psychotic trance, I bet five hundred on a third division match in Germany and made more than triple the profit!

- No kidding. - Vini was incredulous, but still confused.

- Believe me! I wasn't even going to bet, but something told me that I should make an entry in that game. And it worked! As if I had magical powers!

Vini laughed and looked up into the sky.

- It's a mystery of life, Enzo. Who knows anything?

Many kilometers away, a plate-shaped metal spaceship was flying over the huge blue planet, dodging some cosmic boulders and earth satellites. Inside the spaceship, G2 and Mariatink were talking about the events of the story in a particular language, but which will be translated simultaneously to make it easier for readers to understand.

- Was Vini successful? - G2 asked.

- Positive. - Mariatink replied.

- He didn't change anything?

- Not at all. We trust the right person.

- We could come back from time to time to see if he's all right.

Mariatink blinked the only eye in his body.

- Why would we do that? I don't want to be contaminated by Earth bacteria.

- What are we going to do now? Humans aren't that bad,

- Yes, but... - Mariatink picked up a green bottle with one of his tentacles. Probably a Heineken. And lifted it up. - You know. Traditions.

Then a huge laser beam appeared from underneath the ship. A single shot was fired and it traveled in a straight line at incredible speed until it hit the center of California, destroying it and the rest of the planet, which became mere cosmic dust in the immensity of space as we know it.