It would seem that I underestimated the challenge proposed by Miss Kirielle. I had forgotten that doing magic beyond your affinity was incredibly and agonizingly difficult. The last time I tried was when Marissa and I had managed the magical synergy between the two different Slow Fall spells.

Damn, this brought up memories.

More than a decade later and still had to find another magical synergy. Father spoke the truth back then. The synergy between spells was rare, and with the Arcane element, even more so. Well, they weren’t anything but a fun curiosity. They normally recreated existing spells to a lesser degree, and now that I was getting close to the eighth star, they were pretty much useless.

What was I talking about? Oh right, conjuring spells without affinity.

Even though I could spellcast seven-star arcane spells with relative ease, a two-star mind spell proved quite a challenge. Not much, but I was essentially doing something against my nature, like trying to breathe underwater. My body just wasn’t made that way.

“Are you sure I’m not pestering you by being here?” I put the book in my hands aside to look at the neuromancer.

“No, not at all.” Kirielle didn’t raise her eyes, keeping her eyes on the paper and her hands moving. “Though if you keep asking that I’ll kick you out.”

“Right. Sorry.” I apologized. “It’s counterintuitive to me that someone would enjoy company while working. I mean, your task seems hard, and cannot stop myself to wonder if I should go away.”

“Then I would’ve said so.” She added, giving me a swift look. “And I always thought that giving a student a book and throwing them into the wild was a bad, awful, nefarious, education method. It’s always better if you give the spellbooks a solid read, yes, but doing so alongside a tutor you can question when doubts present themselves will be far more optimal.”

“You’re quite… wise.” I quickly coughed to correct myself. “That came out rather wrong. I meant you have an interesting insight on the matter.”

“You’re right.” Kirielle put her pen aside, finally deciding she couldn’t work amidst a conversation. “Whilst my investigation field falls on mental deceases or mind-based damage and aftereffects, I have had my share of papers on education. I have studied both the psyche of children and adults, common folk and mages, and I have always found that our beloved city would progress faster with a more developed and grounded education.”

Kirielle rested her back on her chair in exhaustion, followed by a sigh. I didn’t know her backstory, I didn’t know anything of her for that matter, but I could definitely get behind her mood.

“Ellari education is something I always found strange if I’m honest.” I told, remembering that moment on my ‘second’ birthday when mom offered to pay for Marissa’s scholarship because their parents couldn’t afford it. “Basic education should be available to all. And it’s not like it’s not possible. I think it could be done quite easily actually.” The last part was spoken with the foresight I had gained after years of life at Ferilyn.

“You’re right.” Kirielle agreed with me, standing up from her seat and stretching her arms. “Ellari education has always been a weird topic. Strangely underdeveloped. It wasn’t until recently, dating to the previous High Arcanist, that education became more available.”

I rose my brows, surprised by the statement. The most advanced civilization, made of incredibly longevous and intelligent species, didn’t have accessible education until a few centuries ago?

“The reason for that is quite obvious.” Kirielle continued, disregarding my reaction. “The houses of the highborn wanted to stay in power. And more educated ellari meant more commonfolk mages, and more commonfolk mages meant less monopoly on the nation’s power.”

“Yes, I did hear that in history classes. Previous to the current High Arcanist, there wasn’t a standing army, but the noble houses themselves worked as the country’s main military force.”

“That’s how they obtained their power and status, to begin with.” She took a sip of a cold infusion, which was probably made by Alatea and then brought to Kirielle's office, as neither Kirielle nor I would have it any other way. “But with the ascent of our present High Arcanist, the plans for further modernization on education had been stopped.”

“Before the Wyrm’s Landing?” I asked as the current conversation was of high interest to me.

“Yes, basically on his coronation four decades ago. All plans vanished. Instead going to establish the standing army of now. I wasn’t present when they canceled those plans, well I was, just young enough that I didn’t pay attention to those matters, but my brother did tell me about it.”

“Can you repeat that?” I asked in pondering, scratching my chin lightly.

“That my brother told me about the cancelation?” She responded.

“No, before that.”

“The establishment of the standing army?”

“Yes.” I nodded. “Did you say that our High Arcanist began the preparation of an army after being coronated?” It was a bit weird to say ‘coronated’ when were where on a meritocracy and not a kingdom, but it was true that there was a helm passed down from High Arcanist to High Arcanist.

“Yes, practically the day after he was already making plans for a national army, and also cut off the education modernization plans of the late High Arcanist.”

Was it a coincidence? Cutting education funding and making new funds to fund a whole new army? Something that our ancient country had never seen before.

“Don’t you find it a bit weird?” I asked Kirielle.

“No?” She tilted her head, her almost auburn hair hanging by the side. “I mean, I’m angry that he cut on education budget only to make an army of his own, but why should it be weird? The ascent of a High Arcanist has always meant a time of change for Ferilyn.”

I wasn’t making my point clear. “Alright, now put it in context with the Wyrm’s Landing. Don’t you find it even a tiny bit strange that after creating an army from scratch, we get in the first war since a few centuries back?”

The neuromancer closed her eyes as she stood still deep in thought. “I think you are reading between lines too much.” She said with her eyes still closed. “Yes, it’s curious that when we get on a war after so much time—”

“A defensive war.” I interjected her.

Kirielle gave me an indescribable look. “A defensive war after so much time, that we are ready to face it with an army of our own. But that’s just a coincidence.” She didn’t appear to notice the ulterior meaning behind my interjection. “We didn’t even use our army besides the exchange of the first attack! We just covered ourselves with the magic of the High Arcanist.”

“You mean we got jailed by the dome the High Arcanist imposed on us.”

“You certainly don’t like the current High Arcanist.” Kirielle commented.

“Of course, I don’t!” I shouted, something I considered far off my character. “I have passed half my life trapped. There are even some children who have only known life under a violet sky!” The last statement outraged me even further.

“Well, it’s not even likely that you would have gone outside the city.” She dismissed. “Only one of a million ellari go beyond Ferilyn’s borders, and most of them are either merchants or diplomats.”

“It doesn’t matter if I wouldn’t have gone outside.” I tried to calm myself. “The problem is that I and many others have been deprived of that option in the first place!” But I couldn’t handle it.

“And what was the alternative? To wage a costly war and have more ellari die?” I hated that her arguments made sense.

“Can… can we just leave this discussion alone? Nothing fruitful will come out from this exchange.” Ellari were unable to understand what I saw, they thought differently than I did. We may share anatomical foundations, but not the mindset.

“Agreed.” Kirielle took another sip of her infusion and sat down. “Well… Do you have any questions about what you’ve read?”

“As a matter of fact, I actually do.” I stood up from the pillow couch I was laying on and opened the spellbook I had read on top of her desk. “How does this Perfect Recall spell work?”

“How is it that you are interested in a seven-star spell when you can’t even do cantrips.” Kirielle didn’t bother looking at the book as she already knew the spell. Instead, she decided to stab me right in the gut with her words.

I recoiled from the attack. “Well, I can show interest when I see interesting things. Or am I not allowed to do so?”

“You can let your academic curiosity flourish of course. That’s why you are here, aren’t you?” Something told me there was a hidden meaning in her wording. “Though Perfect Recall isn’t the most interesting or enticing spell in this book, and by far. So, what tickles you? Why did you inquire about this specific spell?”

“I… I do have an interest in memories.” It was difficult to talk about this with her. I wanted to see if I could remember something from my previous incarnation. I doubted it could work, but I had to try. There was too useful knowledge to let it pass, or so I felt, and also… also I could remember who I had been.

“An interest in memories, eh?” For some reason, she pushed on the matter. “A person of your age shouldn’t really need to seek augmentations on their recalling capabilities, as the brain works perfectly at such age. The only thing it comes to my mind for the usage of the spell is cheating during exams~” Kirielle chanted melodiously as if she had caught a naughty boy.

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

“That’s absolutely not the case.” It was almost second nature the ‘deadbeatness’ of the tone which accompanied my words.

“Huh?” Now it was Kirielle’s turn to recoil as she was taken aback by my total lack of emotion, acknowledging that I was telling the truth. “Then why?” She asked with regained curiosity.

“Personal reasons… I rather not talk about it.” I explained with a shade of shyness in my voice.

“Hmm,” Kirielle observed me in pondering. “You seem to be in peak cognitive state.” I could recognize the presence of some inoffensive and lighthearted spell. “But if you wish me to not investigate further, then I won’t ask.”

“Thank you.” I gave her a slight bow.

“But there’s one thing I have to add if you wish to research memory-related magic.” She looked me dead in the eyes. In a way, our souls connected as I looked at her pink irises. “There’s a soul spell called True Recall in that book.”

“What book?” I reflexively asked but quickly noticed what she meant. “Wait. Do you know about the soul anthology at the library?”

“Sure,” Kirielle responded nonchalantly about such a dangerous object. “I’m Alatea’s best friend. What would that statement mean if I didn’t know about the book? Haven’t you told to other people?”

“I… um.” I doubted what to say.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Kirielle added with a shining smile.

“So, do you know anything about the author?” Alatea wouldn’t tell me, but maybe Kirielle could shed some light on the mystery.

“What author? The one who wrote the book?” She asked in surprise. “No, I don’t know anything about it. To be honest I haven’t even read it.”

“Then, how do you even remember about that spell?” I inquired, the name of the spell certainly ringed some bells. “That book is massive, like really really massive. It’s even bigger than me! And you aren’t even a mystic, to begin with.”

“But I’m a neuromancer.” She refuted. “And a pretty good one if I might add. Which also means that my memory is short of prodigious.” That statement felt off… It had kind of a really smug aura around it.

“You are constantly spellcasting Perfect Recall, aren’t you?” I sighed in defeat.

“But of course.” Her smile shone even brighter. “I’m a ten-star neuromancer, constantly refreshing a seven-star spell is nothing to me.”

That wasn’t even that farfetched. As it was a spell that affected the inner self, it was incredibly cheap to conjure. And also, mentalists were the most prodigious and prominent mages in the spellcasting school of magic for conjuration thanks to their superior mental capabilities. Kirielle surely had more spells being spellcasted currently to aid her in other situations.

“And besides, Alatea and I spent our share bit of time investigating the book whilst working on a thought acceleration paper a few years back.” She added. “I would remember mind-related stuff even if I weren’t refreshing my mind constantly.”

“What do you mean by thought acceleration?” I asked as the idea intrigued me quite a bit.

“What I just said,” Kirielle said with a chuckle. But when she saw I didn’t comment further and had a stone mask for a face, she continued. “You are not fun, are you?” I lay emotionless. “Alright, alright. We were interested in how time dilatation and enhanced thought process applied to mage on the process of conjuration.”

“What?” I responded with surprise, my façade crumbling. That arose by a bit the corners of Kirielle’s mouth.

“Yes,” She nodded. “It’s not well-known, but mages have an enhanced thought process compared to the common folk. Not that surprising considering how many calculations we must perform to achieve a high-star spell. Either way, what’s truly surprising is how this acceleration sometimes goes overdrives, appearing time to be slowed down for the caster.”

I recalled a while ago, at the beginning of the academic year, when Saphar and his lumenmancer friend attacked me. Back then I was faced with the task of defending Marissa in a short time yet, in the end, I managed to arrive at a conclusion and hijack Marissa’s spells to defend her in a span of time so short it could be considered prodigious.

“By your reaction, I could tell you’ve experienced it before,” Kirielle said with her scholar’s facet. “Also not surprising as many mages actually do in high-stress scenarios as combat. Though they never realize what’s happening to them as they have, and rightfully so, better things to worry about.”

The neuromancer let off a brief chuckle come out of her mouth as her gaze wandered off to the ceiling, a glint of nostalgia pouring out her eyes. Yet as soon as that visage of herself showed up, it quickly disappeared and got replaced by a joyful smile.

“That reminds me that when we were researching that, Alatea managed to pour her consciousness into the spiritual plane, exacerbating the effects of the thought acceleration greatly. That actually inspired me to do the same with the cognitive plane, a much safer alternative than what she did back then.”

“You can do that?” My brain suddenly picked up a lot of steam, thinking about the possibilities of shifting my consciousness between planes.

“Didn’t you hear my last comment?” Kirielle added with a sigh. “It is incredibly dangerous to do so, Alatea herself only did it because she knew she would be unscathed. I see you don’t understand what I mean when I say to transfer your consciousness.”

“It’s pretty self-explanatory, isn’t it?” I told. “It’s basically what I do every time I want to do a spiritual meditation.”

Kirielle sighed once more, this time so deep it almost appeared her soul left her body.

“Boy, that isn’t what I mean.” She looked me dead in the eyes. “Pouring one consciousness in another plane that isn’t the physical one means severing connection with the body. You are literally killing yourself if you don’t have a way to go back.”

I could feel the strength behind her words. The erudite, the expert neuromancer, was talking to me. And I wasn’t blind enough to fail to notice the dangers of such a prospect.

“I understand.” I nodded. “If I try to do something like that, I’ll first consult with Alatea.” That was the correct answer as Kirielle’s expression finally relaxed.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Are you going to check on the spell or not?” She asked as I had stayed still as if I was a statue when this whole detour about consciousness and thought acceleration was her own fault.

“If you excuse me then.” I took that as an invitation to leave her office and I went to the library.

*******

What Kirielle forgot to tell me about the True Recall spell was that the spell itself was a damned eight-star one. I was a seven-star arcanist and mystic, for lady-sake!

Half of the Scorch season, ergo holidays, was before me. But learning to cast, not even spellcast, an eighth-tier spell was too much of a daunting task for my current self to undergo. Fifty days weren’t even close to achieving such a goal.

Sure, I had already made some advances. It wasn’t as if I was beginning from scratch. But it was too much either way. Damn it. There were fellow students in my year who still were at the six-star, though those were late bloomers.

Yet I pondered a lot on the words I thought. “A daunting task for my current self to undergo.” Then I noticed how I had spread incredibly thin during this holiday. Swordsmanship sparring with Adrian, combat practice with Marissa, occasional spell framework creation with Monica, private lessons with Alatea, and now tutoring with Kirielle.

“I’m doing too much, aren’t I?” I told with a sigh on the library. The framework of True Recall was beyond what I had tried so far. “Maybe I should focus on another angle. Why do I need all this practice for?”

Besides spending time with my time and acquittances, I really didn’t. Sure, swordsmanship was cool and all, but I was a mage, I didn’t need it. Though it could be useful in certain niche moments. Same with combat practice or mentalist training. They were somewhat useful, but I already had the foundations, and I wasn’t going to inquire into those fields furthermore.

The only things that were actually beneficial were the study sessions with Monica, as it was material from diverse subjects, and the lessons about the soul Alatea gave me. She was basically the only soul teacher in the whole academy, and as an aspiring mystic, I needed her lessons more than anything.

So, I explained that to her.

“You really want to learn True Recall?” Alatea looked at me with a tired look. I had thought she would have already grown used to my antics after this time, but that didn’t seem to be the case. Yet.

“Do you know it, then?” I took a sip from a magenta infusion. Coming to her office just for the beverage was enough justification to see her, to be honest.

“No, I do not.” She replied. “I’ve never had the urge to learn such spells at my age. Though that isn’t much of an obstacle. I can teach you the spell without knowing it, giving you advice and some guidelines.”

“Then… That’s a yes?” I asked.

“Yes.” She nodded and I mentally fist-bumped the air. “But if you want to learn it in an acceptable amount of time, you will need to cut off from your daily activities, as you already said. You’ll basically become a hermit for the rest of the holidays, are you alright with such commitment?”

“Without a problem,” I responded nonchalantly. “If I have two things, those are willpower and hunger for knowledge.”

“Yeah, that may be the problem.” She whispered to herself.

“What did you say?” I asked even though I understood her clearly. I wasn’t bothered by her words. Even more, I would dare to say they amused me.

“Nothing.” Alatea discarded my question with a smile and clapped her hands. “Let’s begin, shall we?”

*******

Unsurprisingly, the rest of the holidays were but a living hell. I woke up, I meditated, I casted True Recall, I ate, I casted more True Recall, I spiritually meditated, and I went to sleep. Repeat. For the following forty-seven days I did nothing else but this routine.

Adrian wouldn’t mind as we only saw each other when we went to sleep after canceling our sparring. Something which didn’t even phase him with I told him so. He just smiled and me and said “neat, more free time” even if he was the one who incited me into those lessons, to begin with.

Monica did ask once about my torturous routine, but after that, she didn’t prey anymore. Marissa was the only one who kept bothering me from time to time, but if I learned one thing after these two decades was that I was even more brick-headed than her. So, she didn’t manage to stop me.

The only good thing to come from my time at the River of the Damned was that I was incredibly patient when I wanted. One wouldn’t be wrong to think I would be a downer or at least stressed by weeks after weeks of constant monotonous practice, yet I couldn’t even be bothered. Trying again and again without real progress to show off felt natural. Soothing, in a twisted way.

Yeah… those were the things why people always thought I was crazy.

Aaanyways. It was thanks to sheer perseverance that I could manage what I did. People of my year, not of my age because I was four or five years younger than the rest, still struggled with seven-star spells yet I had done it.

“I’m an eighth-star mystic.”

It was midnight, a demonstration of how much I pushed myself. I was in my bedroom, with Adrian sleeping at my side, not outside as I did so sometimes to breathe fresh air.

A few hours prior I had managed my first successful True Recall cast, which I only used to remember pitiful things like the training that brought me to this point. Though now with the blessing of foresight, I could tell that recalling the training sessions was the best thing I could do. It created a feedback loop whereby studying my training I trained harder in my training sessions.

Now it was time for a more serious remembrance session. I would go further beyond. Beyond my childhood memories. Beyond my infancy. This was the time to travel down memory lane and recall things long lost.

I would remember a time previous to my life, previous to my death.

I casted True Recall.

Even if there wasn’t any movement around me, I could feel everything slowing down as time went backward. I remembered when I revealed Marissa my second biggest secret. I remembered the stupid duel. I remembered my first days at the academy. All of those memories with pristine clarity and detail. This wasn’t enough.

I remembered those nine years at school back in Thal’mer. I remembered the Wyrm’s Landing and the assault of the river as the souls of the dead people flooded me, how I realized that the attacks of the river were never meant to target me, but the people that died in the city. I remembered discovering the magical synergy, Marissa and I floating on my balcony. I remembered meeting Alatea and the headache previous to that. I remembered the first day at school. I remembered little Marissa learning magic. Not enough.

I remembered finishing my mana pool formation, or sal men’ora as I called it back then. I remembered spellcasting my first spell, Mage Light. I remembered learning the ellari language. I remembered seeing the streets of Thal’mer for the first time. I remembered being born. Still not enough.

I went beyond.

I remembered a being so brilliant and incomprehensible it could only be called a goddess. I remembered the sound of a boat rowing in stillness. I remembered the monotone blackness, the endless sludge. I remembered the cries. I remembered the cries. I remembered the cries.

No matter how much I dive into my memories, there was no progress. The world didn’t sit on stillness, yet nothing changed. I put more strength into it.

How much time had it happened? How did the stream of time flow? I remembered the stillness. I remembered the sludge. I remembered the stream. I remembered the cries. I remembered the cacophony. I remembered the cries. I remembered the flowing souls. I remembered the cries. I remembered the silence.

I… remembered… it… the…

Re…mem…ber…

Who was I?

Unconsciousness.