What I’m getting tattoos?

Get your shit together kid you are suppose too be an evil warlock this is not a fairy tale kid.

Fine I say cleaning up the basement except the pentagram, that I had to carve into the floor and pour iron in, an incredible hassle, but not that bad with the help of a convenient magic book. Then I go upstairs call a tattoo artist tell him that I want some tattoos done at my house, naturally he’s not that keen on it until I offer him a shitload of money. always handy too be rich, he says that he’s going to be there at 5 so I have about, an hour and half too practice my mage craft in the backyard. So I spend my time learning the classics fire balls, flamethrower, weird darkness carpet that Godfrey said would help with dark magic, dark shield thingy, corruption bolt that litteraly eats a tree and leaves the remaning wood weird and malformed and lastly dark spikes and tentacle stuff not at all for perverted stuff, mostly because I don’t have a girlfriend or anything of the sort. 10 minutes before the tattoo dude should arrive i get a drink and a bit to eat, okay I might have become a bit of an alcoholic but it is the apocalypse or whatever sew me. I remind Godfrey too put alcohol on the list too witch he adamantly agress too saying it might get the violence and killing too start sonner. (in the story).

The tattoo artist comes up the driveway tells me his name, not that it really matters what he’s called.

I show him what I want to get done witch he writes over on paper, I explain where I want it and get on the table. 3 hours of boredom and pain later, he leaves and  I’m now the proud owner of a few tattoos on my back and one on each forearm.

So, are you satisfied slave driver?

No, you are going to go update the house wards. the page on the bock shifts so I get too work doesn’t really take that long practise makes perfect I guess. So what now? Put your hand on me I groan and do it getting a headache from getting the activation words etched in my mind but dident faint, guess I’m getting use too it too. Godfrey tells me too go try out the active spells a few times turns out you only need to think these. And apparently the passive ones is on all the time,  I get it done so what now.

What now? you are nearly a genuine fucking god danm warlock, only one thing remaning until you get too get hammered and hopefully kill some stuff Godfrey laughs.

Fine what’s left to do I’m getting tired of this boring shit I respond.

Well I don’t find summoning demons boring do you kid?

No that actually sounds awesome so let’s get started your glorious fucker.

Naturally I stereotypically have to go to the basement, too do drawing, incense, blood and vinegar stuff again practice makes perfect I get it done on only a few tries until Godfrey is satisfied.

So, do I get too summon something cool or just the imps or what, not that imps aren’t cool I say.

That depends on your iq kid, what do you think now get started.

Cool shit then I read what I have to say and again it ends with simzalabim. What’s up with the simzalabim are you fucking with me godfrey.

No sadly not, magic is intent based so since a lot of people think its actual magic words it becomes so.

Ok whatever I say, and say the magi sentence ending with simzalabim. Again with the smoke what’s up with that I say. Followed by a voice from the circle saying oh god no not another lonely stupid master talking to himself in a voice that sounds like a Santa Claus elf. The smoke disappears and your steotypical imp appears tiny, red, wings, horns and the rest. Godfrey laughs and says yerr he is pretty stupid, but atleast he dosent talk too himself. The imps sighs and says thats always something, so are you sure you wanted to summon me the typical teenage warlock summons a succubus and gets eaten? Yes I’m pretty sure I don’t want to get eaten even if it is a pretty pleasurabol death so Godfrey how do you do this again I state. Do you ever listen kid the page turns read this, so I do and feel a pull and breeze coming from the circle. the imp flies to the table and starts eating vinegar while looking at the magic book. So, Godfrey? Emm he seems pretty free is that suppose too happen. Yes it is when you happen to have an awesome magic book that can bind demons too intent based contracts, so you don’t have too banish and summon them all the time kid, I keep track of them at a distance and keep them under control Godfrey states. and its even bound not too hurt you and still listens too your comands.

So imp what’s your name? well I prefer not to be called an imp I’m a high class imp intelligent and shit, not that high class and imp in the same sentence isn’t a bit of an oxymoron, but back on track you couldn’t hope too pronounce my name master, without frying your throat from using a demonic language, not that you couldn’t try, although I would prefer you didn’t going back to hell kind of sucks. I’m by the way extremely happy that I don’t have to get banished back too hell you just became my number one master, not that I have had that many. My last master called me Gary so you can do that too can I get like some imp minions too torture with work? so I can spend my time lazing about eating vinegar and seeing the sights of your world or house I guess.

Sure, Gary I will get right on that. So, Godfrey apparently gets Gary too make himself scarce cleaning and stuff. Then I boringly do the ritual 6 times Godfrey fixing the ritual for me too get stupider imps don’t really want too get more annoying sarcastic fuckers around the house. Godfrey gets the others too do stuff or what ever. kinda cool by the way demon minions, doing your bloody housework very evil overlord, much awesome.

So, Godfrey whats next on the list. Now we get too the good part we are gonna track down a magic bar, get drunk and find out the location of a community neutral trading ground. You are rich by the way probably going to have to get a lot of money, magic shit is expensive.

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

How am I going to carry a shitload of money and a magic book I don’t exactly have a bag of holding?

I don’t know kid get a sport back or a suitcase or something and why do you think we are going to a magic trading ground, backs of holding are awesome. It’s not like this is a video game where you have some stupid inventory.

So, I do just that get a suitcase with wheels and everything, get Godfrey, loade up and get going. Wait I have to get a cab. What’s wrong with you kid how few braincells do you have? I just ignore the endless banter and call a cab. so I get to light up a cigarette and chill in the front yard of my now totally evil looking mansion the demons flying around fixing my house and yard adding runes for, warding how fucking convenient is that whuu no more boring ward work, minions are so useful no shit people summon them despite the risk of getting your soul eaten. the new wards totally ad too the evil mansion look being, visible too even normals, the blackish and red waves are just awesome, I have never felt cooler.

The cab pulls up I walk towards it and naturaly fall face first into the dirt and right in my victory moment. But I know bloody magic so I use A bit of fire magic too fix the dirt, water and blood on my face. being part phoenix is so cool not having to go around whit a smashed up face is awesome.

I get in the cap the cab driver looks at me strangely and ask what’s up with the magic stuff and evil looking mansion, are you a wizard harry he says. I laugh and say what’s your name newly hired private driver of the bad ass warlock Nathan Smith wow I really need a name change I answer.

Okay I’m Ibrahim and what do you mean private chauffer I’m a cab driver mister warlock.

I’m rich you are my new private chauffer, I’m pretty sure you can’t get demons to drive your car legally and I’m a warlock driving would be bad for my image.

Well the demon thingy doesn’t really sound like a safe work place, so unless you can fix that I’m not so sure about it, although you being rich does sound promising mister warlock.

A voice coming from the car says we can just ward the car too keep them out if he is skittish, but a cab isn’t really a decent ride kid? Wow is that a demon mister warlock I’m not having one of those in my car. Not a demon Ibrahim it’s a magic book called Godfrey and as he said we are just gonna ward your new Mercedes, but you just get demon warding, so don’t worry the little red ones are as dangerous as a kitten when bound by the way.

Ok magic book Godfrey I can deal with that and as long as I’m not there when the magic kittens are doing their stuff, I guess I can deal with all off this. You got a private chauffer mister warlock.

Do you have a family Ibrahim a live in chauffeur sounds cool.

Emm the demon thing again mister warlock?

Ohh right my parent has a vacation home up the road again I can have it warded.

I do have a family mister warlock but the rise in the housing marked caused by the merger and immigrants maked even a small vecation home from a guy with a mansion sound good mister warlock.

Ohh don’t be worried about size it’s about the size of a house in the superb being rich is awesome. can you explain the whole situation going on, pretty much been in the house practising magic all this time Ibrahim.

Sure mister warlock what’s the address? I give it to him he starts driving and explains how the problem is pretty much under control in Britain, they are dealing with the pest control that have been in various areas. The whole martial law is over hence I’m working, they have put the whole magical communities under religious freedom laws and some kind of alternative culture law, they made up too placate them allowing them too relatively keep too them self and mostly police themselves with these city council’s they have made you guys. still you have to follow most human laws though, clearly they had to make some exceptions tho he said. Going on he stated that the chaos had gotten as much under control as possible. its Michael worse in most non-European countries due to more religious sentiment the freedom of the west pulling through. On the global situation, its very chaotic south Amerika and India is completely fucked but the whole nuking stuff and war on the horizon stopped when the magical off worlders, crushed north Korea for not falling in line, witch apparently unsurprisingly got the UN on the job. That was pretty much the jist of it the rest was kind of boring. Apparently, it’s been like 2 week what the fuck is this shit I ask Godfrey. Well remember the whole traning montage and passing out , a lot longer than you thought. how didn’t I like starve to death? you have magic which helps and turns out you are part phoenix so stop whining kid. Mister magic book Godfrey sounds very wise mister warlock, you should listen too what he has too say young padawan plus part phonix sounds pretty cool and with your perception of time, much time with family, I will have indeed says Ibrahim. I just decide too light up a cigarette and get my bottle of whisky from the suit case.

Mister warlock hey mister warlock I wake up and lock around oh you are right Im Here ibrahim. God job on that just stay here with godfrey. Wait what there’s bloody wards on that building. I don’t really see anything mister warlock. Oh y we probably got to get you some personal  wards we can’t have my driver getting sicked by some psycho normo or something, that would be highly embarrassing get a gun too Ibrahim I say. Emm sir I’m not so sure about the whole buying a gun in the UK thing. But I guess the wards doesn’t sound all that bad as long as it doesn’t involve demons or something dangerous mister warlock. I wouldn’t worry about the gun permit stuff there’s the whole cultural freedom thingy you talked about and no demons or danger involved at all in those kinds of wards. You are kind of open minded about this whole magic thing except for your phobia of demons Ibrahim.

Well sir I’m a refuge from Afghanistan not really much place for whining about my situation. and protection and a good job is always nice.

Sure, thing Ibrahim got to get going I say as I get out of the car, getting into the bank despite the whole wards thing proved kind of boring nothing really happened probably intent based.

I stand in line as a perfectly normal citizen, walk up to the old lady and say hello. The lady answers what can I do for you young man on this fine day. I say that I want a redrawel and another card for my spending’s account, I also want to set up a payment plan so I explain about my new driver and how he needs too by a new car too use. She says of course sir I will just do the paperwork for the card and payment plan it will take a few minutes. I wait until she gets back she hands over the paper work. So how much money do you want to redraw sir so I put my suitcase on the table and say enough to fill this, in hindsight probably not my best of moments. She puts up her hands and say no need to do anything rash sir long story short, guns are pulled on me and I try to explain that I wasn’t robbing the bank nobody really listened, until I utter inumbrass and darkness spills forth shots are fired and is stopped by the darkness a few energy bolts are fired of from the wards and they appear to be trying to snuff out my magic hmm probably not powerful warlock proff. So chaos insures until I yell would you all shut the fuck up and relax I’m not robbing the bank I’m just making a withdrawal.

Okay sir says one of the guards we are all relaxed while he ushers for the others too put away their guns. A withdrawal I’m sure we can fulfil that request no need to get violent sir how much do you want.

Well I didn’t get violent you did, and I want the suitcase filled. the guards gets one of the clerks too come forth and tells him what I want jadajada boring stuff and finally I get too leave the bank how is everything so difficult, I though magic was supose to fix problems