"okay, two things, i did not know the farmer had 5 adult children, so I'm now in their celler after being caught, good news, I now know how I...get rid of waste...it comes out of my eyes as a white or blue substance, I know that now, because they are at least feeding me bread and water."
matilda says to a rat he caught.
"they really were angry at first when the patriack was ultra murdered by my clown goblin friend-minion-spontanious generated protecterate. but after killing the SHIT out of pop lad, they found me curled up in the feto-position crying and babbling about not wanting to die and frantically appologising...so they decided to just lock me down here...so not too bad...."
one of his big eyes twitch. they then place another card down, which turns into a tiny landmass on the floor. the rat squeaks
"mhm? oh, this? i at least retain the basics of the game, so I'm putting lands down to power a summoning of another trained rat token from the tiny rat circus I set down over there, why you may ask: because I don't want to find out what happens when my deck runs out. see, they still see me as an enemy or threat, so 7 cards reappeared in my hand, all the cards disappeared when that farmer died, and reappeared when they accosted me. now that I'm in here, it seems every of my turns as they are called, is an hour, so I can keep those I summoned during a fight, but I can't be in a prolonged fight for more than 100 hours, because my deck is 100 cards, and a card appears in my hand every hour, but I don't want to kill them, so I'm using rats to escape instead."
places a hand on their face
"...I'm talking to a rat...and the rat is listening. the automatic drawing is not letting me sleep, so I'm talking to a rat to keep sane after 23 hours of not sleeping...I'm naming you Mr. Cheezers."
the rat happy squeaks
" You will probably die soon"
sad rat noises ensue.
"but-uh...but you will live."
rat squeak for don't patronize me.
"...sorry"
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[translated to normal spelling and vernacular for my convenience, think of it as dubbing over]
"so what do we do with the tiny clown bitch that killed our dad?"
"I don't know Klen, but she was with a clothed gob, so she might be some animal trainer class."
"yeah, but, given how our dad was,...violent; the goblin must have reacted to the threat to his owner."
"but she still killed Dad on his land, so there must be retribution, mom is still heartbroken,..I think, she was raiding Dad's liquor cabinet and laughing the last time I saw her."
"guys, guys, right now, we should focus on who gets the farm."
afterward, the 5 guys discussed which one would get the farm, leading to a series of physical competitions, leading to physical altercations. all the while their mom was binging on the booze so hard, she overlooked the sudden mischief of rats carrying the house keys to the cellar.
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a contingent of rats pull the keys under the door to their clowny mistress...or master if it really mattered considering both are correct, as you will see soon.
"oh, thank sati- goodness, I meant to say goodness....now I can sneak out of this place, and not have to become a crazy celler person...well, celler person,..no thats dousn't sound right...mole person?no, they are in cities.....CELLER DWELLER! yes, I don't want to be a celler dweller...."
Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
grabs head
"why the fudge did I go on a tangent like that, at a time like this?! i am so close to getting out of this redneck basement, and I got hung up on what I'm calling what I don't want to become?! aaaarrrrggguuee!!!!- I'm fine-AAAAAAAAAAAHHH- I'm not fine."
he gets up and tries to escape from the outer entrance, only to come across all the guys standing not 7 yards away. and the cellers entrance was not oiled recently. so the noise alerted them, they then rushed to the small person to tackle them as they were hoofing it.
"goddammit! so much for sneaking away, what do I do, they are gaining on me!"
something in them tells them to activate themselves, and he does it, feeling mana from the cards flow into them, making them grow. halfway, the jester stops running, and he is not in control anymore, SHE is.
"ooohohohooooh, it's showtime bois!"
she twirls around, now looking like an adult woman in her mid-20s standing almost 5ft instead of 2ft, hair now showing under the cap, the frown, replaced with a Cheshire grin. the clothing grew with her but still changed to look more provocative than the child form, the puffy paints now looking like shorts over stockings, the gloves extending to cover her forearms, and her shoes gaining a distinct heal that ends in a hook that curves inward. this stops the 5 young men in their tracks
"my, aren't you a roudy bunch. can't get enough of me, can you? well, how about we have some fun?"
she opens a hand of cards like a fan, and throws one down, summoning a skeletal clown, and then throws into the air another card, one that turns into a shotgun-looking device. She catches it and jumps over to one of the still-stunned guys like she is on a trampoline. and shoots him in the face while still mid-air, knocking him down, but instead of blood and gore, his face has makeup on it. afterward, she bounces off of the fallen man, back 5 yards away, landing on her feet, with a ta-da pose
"how about you join in on the merriment, big meaty boy?"
the one who got a face full of pancake makeup gets up, but with a wide smile, and a weird look in his eye, his brothers knew he wasn't himself right now. especially, when he swung at them. 3 manage to restrain him, the last one going after her.
in an army voice"Enamy incoming, FIRE THE CANNONS!" she throws yet another card down, this one turning into a circus cannon, which she then loads 10 rats into it.
"bye-bye~"
and fires at the rushing man. hitting him point blank, sending him flying, and leaving him Swiss cheese.
"hah, rats turned you into Swiss cheese, they'd eat you now, but they can't 'cause they're dead." suddenly serous "... You lot really couldn't let him leave, could you? you needed some form of retribution for a perceived slight on their part. how childish. but hey, if you weren't such pig-headed peasant pursuers of the meek fellow, I wouldn't have come out."
winks and sticks tongue out.
one of them stops holding the compromised brother down and runs over to her, planning to punch her lights out, but she dodges the strike.
due to someone attacking, she gets another turn, so to speak, she produces several knives and expertly throws them, not at the one who tried to punch her, but at the three other brothers, causing the 2 on top to recoil in pain from being stabbed, the 3rd just lying there from being pushed into the wet dirt to hard and suffocating slightly. after turning back from his brothers, intending to swing again, he meets face-to-face with the barrel of her gun. and is blasted.
after the one remaining undamaged one under her control gets up. she makes him hold each of the remaining two down, while the real Matilda does horrible things to them with a rubber chicken, dental floss, and a fucktonne of knives.
laughs maniacally ".....and yet; I still feel nothing."
he wants to come out.
"oh, you want to come out, little baby? sure. you wanna tell their mother how she lost her only boys, days after her hubby dying? or sould I?...that's what I thought. how hush up, she needs to be ent-er-tain-ed as well."
the farmer's wife is lucky she is so pickled, because this time the skeletal clown gets to do something...this narrator is not gonna say explicitly, but...have you ever seen the early chapters of D-grey Man? How their version of Akuma are born? that's what happened. afterward, it does a jig in it's new outfit
"hah-hah-hah-hah. well now all the loose threads are tied on a nice set of ballons-....ballons. right, there is one left."
she shoves her hand into her temporary assistant and pulls out his[narrator gags] you get the idea. she makes balloon animals out of his internals. somehow they float from being blown into. leaving him an empty husk. she just walks away, letting go of her creations. and after raiding the food stores, she walks to the middle of the field,
"I'll be here for you when you need me, toodle-loo~~."
and reverts into the child form, him regaining control again
"..." retches and tears up.
"WHAT THE LITTERAL, ACTUAL FUCK WAS THAT?"