In hindsight, attacking that third hex was probably not worth it. Sure, they won, taking three more siege towers off the board along with their battle bear escort, but Tanya got a little too eager: Six of the dwagons croaked, along with five knights and Lady Phat-Singh. They had to use uncroaked to destroy two of the battle bears, as the dwagons completely ran out of breath uses, even the yellows, with very low hits remaining. Well, they ended up abandoning the hundred or so uncroaked that survived the battle, but they were disposable so no one cared, and the bodies of the knights were recovered for Wanda to uncroak back at the city. Ansom will take care of them on the enemy turn. Maybe he’ll use the Arkenpliers to do so, so he can have one last engagement with them. Tanya did, however, move the uncroaked into a slightly less convenient position for Ansom, not that they expected it to amount to anything.
All of this was made worse by the simple fact that Tanya didn’t even level! Wanda got most of the leadership experience from the third hex. Really, they should have suspected something fishy was going on; apparently getting a drug-like high on level up was unusual, and probably a property of the Summon Perfect Warlord spell incentivizing them to risk their life.
The worst part of that particular trick was it worked. But still… the first topic that was brought up on Tanya’s return to Gobwin Knob was… “You got taller.” Count Harbinger immediately pointed out. What? “You are five inches taller now than you were when you left.” He inspected Tanya carefully, looking them up and down. “Also, you have not scaled up evenly. Your hips have grown fifty percent more, proportionately, than your shoulders.”
Tanya was baffled. Headmaster Isaac emotionlessly conjured an illusory mirror, showing Tanya their own appearance. “...I’ve grown up.” Tanya said, surprised. Tanya was supposed to be eight years old, and they looked the part. One could mistake them for even younger, in fact. But now? The image in front of them was that of a ten to twelve year old girl, a pre-teen rather than a child. The rock star outfit that Tanya was wearing had stretched, but did not tear, so Tanya suspected that it magically grew a little bit. “It must be a side-effect of leveling up.” Tanya concluded. At a guess, three levels means three years? So they’re eleven now?
“I’ve never seen such an extreme signamancy deviation from simple levels.” Countered Isaac. “But that is a workable theory.” He added. “Bringing in a consultant to analyze your signamancy can be done tomorrow.”
“Yes.” Tanya agreed. They were curious what kind of information they could get from such a thing… “Our highest priority to accomplish before the turn's end is to see if I can access my juice and attempt to cast a spell.”
“Indeed.” Isaac said. “That you are both a caster and warlord is no longer in doubt, your facility with those scrolls says enough on that front. We discussed what kind of magic would best suit you while you were gone.”
Sizemore spoke up next, still not completely comfortable sharing his thoughts to senior leadership but Isaac subtly prompted him to in a feat of nonverbal communication that impressed Tanya. Isaac would fit in well in a boardroom. “From our discussions, I think you would be most suited to moneymancy, or some other Numbers axis discipline.”
That was something Tanya would agree with. They always had a good head for numbers. “Do we have any contacts from that discipline?” They asked.
Count Harbinger smiled, which caused Tanya to reflexively check the man’s hands for weapons. “As it happens, I’m quite adept at moneymancy.”
“The Gild Bank is very powerful.” Headmaster Isaac added. “Learning moneymancy would ordinarily be quite difficult, but Kurt is under our protection, so he is the only non-clevermancer in the Magic Kingdom to have extensive knowledge of the discipline.” Magical politics is quite cutthroat, apparently.
“My knowledge of moneymancy and foolamancy has gotten me something of a reputation, I’m afraid.” Count Harbinger said forlornly. “If you hear any stories about ‘The Numbers Man’, most of them are complete fabrications.”
Tanya tilted their head. “How did you learn?” They asked.
Count Harbinger frowned deeper. “A lady friend of mind, Countess Fortuna, taught me the basics. She was a Luckamancer, so she was able to acquire such knowledge.” Tanya thought back to the chart she was given. Luckamancy was erf axis clevermancy, and cross-axis casting is supposedly much easier than cross-class. “The rest is just natural talent and hard work.” Ah, talented people who work just as hard as her. Her one weakness.
“Where should we begin, then?” Tanya asked.
“The same place we’d start any discipline: sensing it.” Count Harbinger said. “Now, the most fundamental moneymancy sense a commander has is their own purse. Do you have anything in your purse?”
Tanya resisted the urge to fidget. What was a purse, in this context? “No.” They said, somewhat ashamed.
“You should be able to, given that we’re in your capital, draw shmuckers into your purse. You’re level four, so your purse should have a limit of four thousand shmuckers.” Count Harbinger said patiently.
Issuing commands through the pseudo-telepathic game interface this world possessed was, as usual, quite simple. Immediately after ordering two thousand shmuckers to be deposited in their purse, they became aware of its existence, much like how they became aware of that Rand.
“Moneymancy spells fit into four broad categories.” Count Harbinger continued. “There is no ‘make shmuckers’ spell. The rule is that you have to spend money, to make money.” Wait, investing is a thing? No wait, of course it is. Upgrading cities spends money and increases income. “When you spend shmuckers, a moneymancer can supplement the payment with their own juice, providing a discount by making more shmuckers as they are spent.” No, the expression was just much more literal here. “The second category is enabling the conversion of value. Turning shmuckers into something useful and turning something useless into shmuckers.” Taya’s eyes flicked to the body of Misty, the lookamancer. “Exactly.” Count Harbinger confirmed. “The third category is analysis, sensing the flow of value and gathering useful intelligence from that.” Auditing, then. “Finally, there is the optimization of a side’s income. There’s plenty of things that cost shmuckers that aren’t really necessary. You could, for instance, treat your units more like prisoners, lowering the quality of their rations to discount their upkeep.” That sounded like a terrible idea that would compromise their fighting strength.
Count Harbinger chuckled. “I see you dislike the idea of that last category. A common sentiment among royals, I didn’t expect it from you. They claim a responsibility to their units, such magic would be a violation of their Titanic mandate.”
“Even if the common infantry is of questionable sapience, an army marches on its stomach.” Tanya pointed out. “Inadequate provisions would impede their fighting strength.”
Headmaster Isaac’s eyes twinkled with interest. “Sapience… such an interesting word.” He spoke as if he were tasting the word, understanding it without needing to ask. It was somewhat unsettling. “A commander’s Duty has always separated it from common infantry, but that word…” He smiled deliberately. “Thank you for that.”
Well, that was strange. “Moving on, the turn’s grown late. What spell are we going to try first?” Tanya said impatiently. Many spells cannot be cast effectively off-turn, so it was prudent to get some in before the turn ends.
“We’ll start with having you evaluate a gem.” He said, a fist-sized emerald manifesting in his hand, sparkles of magic coalescing into the shape. “Once you can sense the number of shmuckers within the gem without breaking it, you will be ready to attempt to create one of your own.”
Tanya glanced at the gem. Their earrings immediately displayed an evaluation screen, as they usually tended to do when they examined anything closely. [Small Gem 294/10000S]
Headmaster Isaac frowned. “Your earrings can evaluate items?” He asked curiously. At Tanya’s confusion, he elaborated. “Stat boards are natural foolamancy. Anyone who’s practiced the discipline can see it.”
Count Harbinger hummed. “Well, take them off and I’ll make a different one.” He crushed the gem in his hand, before replacing it with an identical-looking one. Tanya took out one of their earrings and tried again. As she focused, Count Harbinger continued to guide her through the process. “The fundamental insight of moneymancy is that everything can be boiled down to a single number: what is it worth? Shmuckers do not truly exist. You cannot hold them in your hand, you cannot see them. They are a representation, an objective assessment of value.” Tanya knew all of these things to be true. Even yen, marks, and dollars were only representative of value, any use one could get from the bills and coins themselves were purely incidental, and shmuckers were more of a bank account. Ones and zeros.
Gems were, as far as Tanya could tell, the closest thing one could get to holding shmuckers, but as their earrings showed, they were merely containers. Jars that held value, mere brackets in the grand addition equation of an assets listing.
But after looking at it, Tanya could tell that these were not a binary system, with ones and zeroes. It was a unary system, there were only ones. They weren't quite sure how they knew this, but it made sense to them. How many ones were held in this container? How long was the numerical string? They tried her best to count them, but… it was too difficult. They kept losing track, like they were looking at an electron cloud rather than anything that could be counted. .
“You need to use your juice.” Count Harbinger said. How?
Headmaster Isaac spoke up without any nonverbal warning. “...Does she know how to use juice?” A moment of silence passed as all present digested the question.
“...How is that even possible?” Count Harbinger asked.
“It’s interesting, isn’t it?” Headmaster Isaac replied, his eyes sparkling with interest. “Casters who deal with cross-class magic should be used to not knowing things that freshly popped casters know innately, but if you extend that to subjects that every caster should know… How do you explain using juice to a warlord? Not what it’s like to use juice, but how to use it?”
Tanya twitched. This… is going to be a difficult obstacle.
Suddenly, horns resounded throughout the city of Gobwin Knob. “The turn’s ended.” Sizemore pointed out. Count Harbinger destroyed his gem.
“We’ll return tomorrow morning.” Headmaster Isaac assured. “Come on, Kurt. We’re in danger if we stay here.” The odds of something penetrating the defenses were incredibly low, but Tanya didn’t begrudge them their caution. With a thought, Tanya authorized the portion of their payment that the contract specified was due this turn. It wasn’t Signed like the one with Prince Ansom, so they had to do that manually.
Tanya walked towards the balcony. Without the eyemancer link, they were essentially blind as to enemy movements, and the Headmaster only had dregs of juice, so he could not have provided that service. He’ll make an updated map of the battlespace next turn, as per their agreement, but for now?
They could only wait.
------------------------
[Prince Ansom Lunesta of Jetstone, Level 10 Chief Warlord, Heir to Jetstone]
“Three hexes of the column, gone!” Exclaimed Duke Nozzle, of Sofa King.
“Two elf tribes were wiped out, too.” Odie Ose, the leader of the elves, pointed out. “We need to reorder the column.” The elves were just detachments from the sides they were allied with, so it wasn’t any more of a loss than any other side losing all of their forces that were sent here, but Odie talked up the protective qualities of the Luckless and Schlemiel elve’s specials. Having to invade without those will likely cause additional casualties among the knights and commanders, if he was understanding them correctly.
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In hindsight, perhaps he got a little too complacent with Stanley’s general incompetence. Tanya had seen a flaw in his column’s composition and took full advantage. She must have hired a Lookamancer to evaluate the column. “Stanley the Worm has somehow found leadership more competent than he.” Ansom announced. “I suspect that this ‘Tanya Degurechaff’ to be a noble, or even royal, warlady leftover from King Saline’s reign, like Archduke Ferdinand or Lady Phat-Singh." The fact Stanley was willing to let them use their titles while Tanya could not was a big hint that she could be a royal. The fact that Ferdinand was already known could be the reason why he was not given such an order, while a freshly popped princess…
The war table exploded into chatter as everyone tried to say their peace. After a few seconds without signs of stopping, Ansom slammed his fist on the table. Once everyone was looking at him, Ansom continued. “I admit to the possibility of being mistaken.” He began. “But Tanya had not just declined to state their title, but claimed that she was forbidden to speak of it. Being a noble in service to Stanley the Worm would fit that. Further, she seemed to mostly hew to courtly etiquette, as abbreviated as it is over thinkagram, and further demonstrated an understanding of diplomacy and war that far exceeded any common warlord.” Suddenly, a thought occurred to Ansom. “In fact… no one knows the story of how Stanley succeeded King Saline. It’s entirely possible that he was promoted to become Regent, and Tanya is the Princess that was due to be popped when the King croaked.”
The expressions of the royal warlords all darkened at that. Such a betrayal was entirely possible, and completely within the borders of Stanley’s depravity. Vinny Doombats, the Transylvito representative, spoke up first. “We shouldn’t be wasting time on whether this chick is or is not a princess.” He said, to general agreement. “What matters is that she’s strong, she’s smart, and she can use scrolls. How is she doing that?”
Lady Sylvia Lazarus, the Unaroyal representative, spoke up immediately: “It’s carnymancy.” She said confidently. “Prince Jeftichew cast it on me once. It only lasts a turn, and he said that a warlord wouldn’t be able to use the scrolls to their full effect, but if they spent a bunch of shmuckers in the Magic Kingdom…” She trailed off. “She’s spending everything she can to chip away at our forces. It isn’t a problem, we still have plenty.”
“We should take steps to impede them in spending more money.” Countess Azure said, the FoxMUD representative. “Lean on the barbarian casters to refuse service or gouge them.”
“Good idea.” Ansom complimented. He was going to suggest something similar, but he’s led enough multi-side alliances to know that this was easier. “Send messages to your respective sides to that effect.”
“That croakamancer is Master-class, definitely.” Observed the Countess. “I didn’t expect to see dance-fighting uncroaked.”
“We need to change the battleplan, Prince Ansom.” Duke Nozzle said, his polite demeanor strained. “Invading the tunnel system a turn early is just going to give them thousands of dance-fighting troops.”
“Well, unless they’re out of scrolls.” Odie pointed out. “But yeah, hold back the marbits and diggers for an extra turn. Invade the tunnels with the rest of the invasion.” Seeding the tunnels a turn early provided many advantages, but they were right: it did not outweigh the potential for them to croak the lot and use that force as uncroaked defenders.
“That warlady looked like she was trying to Rock Out with those hobgobwins even after the scroll expired.” Vinny said, brow furrowing. “You know, before they started fighting that battle bear.”
“Do we know how nasty those tunnels are?” Questioned Sylvia. “It would really suck to have taken the city before they could even reach the garrison.” It was a serious concern. Tunnel systems in high level cities were frequently so labyrinthine that it took half the turn to even reach the dungeon zone, and that was without any resistance at all.
“Preventing that being a problem was the point of the pre-invasion, so no.” Ansom replied.
After spending half the turn discussing how to adjust the column to make repeat attacks less fruitful and the new order of battle for the invasion proper, they started issuing their orders. The column advanced, seven hexes of road passing beneath their feet as the siege towers trundled along.
Ansom had another duty. Vinny accompanied him in the short flight over to the rendezvous point, his bats leading the way. “I gotta say, yer honor, I’m not a fan of you gambling that tool for the barbarian chickie.” He frowned. “Don King’s got an even worse opinion on th’ matter.”
“I know, Vinny.” Ansom said. “But while I had no proof, I knew that Jillian was royal. It’s not something you can just hide.” Tanya was, too. He knew it. “You know as well as I that without attunement, the arkenpliers are just a very nice weapon. It’s not giving up much. Further, it’s providing a way for Tanya to turn without giving Stanley a chance to stop her.”
“Right. The new girl.” Vinny said, unamused. “Blonde, good with a sword, crazier than a stack of bats.” Vinny chuckled. “Yeah, sounds like your type alright.”
“Vinny…” Ansom said warningly.
“Look, you think any hot chick that you like is a secret princess or whatever, not that I’ve seen her up close to judge.” Vinny said as he floated along. Just one more hex. “I know it’s too late to change yer mind, but if you end this with zero arkentools, don’t say I didn’t tell you so.” It suddenly occurred to Ansom that his father may have promised one of the arkentools to an ally as incentive. Transylvito may very well be that ally.
Was Vinny warning him about the diplomatic disaster that was looming? “I’ll take responsibility for my own actions.” He said decisively. “I do not regret my decision.” Yet.
With the arkenpliers left on the rock designated by the agreement, Ansom flew back to the column’s new position. Doubt creeped in. Was Tanya deceiving him? Was Jillian actually a princess, or was she merely playing on his hopes and dreams? How would she even know about them?
It was too late to second-guess matters. May the Titans preserve him, if this truly was foolishness.
--------------------------
[Tanya Degurechaff, Level 4 Chief Warlord of Gobwin Knob]
“Really? Is that what it’s like?” Sizemore asked.
Tanya shrugged. “I couldn’t tell you whether my experience was unique or not.” They explained. “But given that I was summoned instead of properly popped, I wouldn’t count on my life before popping being the usual way of things.”
“I suppose it’s not that important right now.” Admitted Sizemore. “We can talk about it later. I’m sure Janis would find the whole thing fascinating.” Developing their ‘backstory’ was a long-term concern, but they couldn’t do anything short-term until they figured out how to use juice.
Currently, their story was taking full advantage that no one actually knows what it’s like before popping, and just saying that they were only halfway through the popping process when they were summoned. They had their points and specials, they were commanders, but anything more specific was locked behind the second half of the popping process, which included knowledge of what their specials were. Like a premature birth.
The primary flaw behind this story was that it provokes existential crises if one considers the fact that popping was not actually the start of life, but prevaricating on whether or not what happened to them was what happens to everyone seemed to largely allow people to accept it as unreliable anecdotal evidence rather than anything more serious.
“What are you going to do now?” Sizemore asked.
Tanya was very familiar with the feeling of restlessness that came from not doing anything productive. It was a constant companion for the last eight years. Knowing that the feeling was reinforced with the natural thinkamancy of Duty was unpleasant, but they certainly knew a few people back in Japan that could surely use this kind of enforced motivation. “...I think I’ll have a few words with the prisoner.” They decided.
Who was the woman that Prince Ansom was so enamored with? Wanda wasn’t particularly thorough with her assessment of Ansom’s mentality, so hearing Princess Zamussels own words could prove insightful.
Walking up and down the many stairs in Gobwin knob was not an experience that Tanya would recommend. The only good thing they could say about the experience was that their legs were not that much shorter than the standard length, so they didn’t have much of a problem with the size of the steps like they did the church steps back in the Empire. Being short sucked. Tanya saw Wanda strut out of the dungeon towards the Magic Kingdom portal as she approached the Princess’ cell.
Princess Zamussels was kept in a fairly standard-looking jail cell, with a hole to squat over and a board attached to the wall that pretended to be a bed. Gobwin Knob did not have modern indoor plumbing. She seemed in a relatively good mood for someone who spent the last remnants of the turn in the company of Wanda. “Eh? Oh, it’s you.” Clearly, the Princess’ manners had atrophied in the years since her kingdom fell.
“Yes, It’s me.” Tanya said in reply. “Tanya Degurechaff, Chief Warlord of Gobwin Knob. And you are Princess Jillian Zamussels of the former kingdom of… Faq, was it?”
The Princess scowled at the address. “Great, she told you. What do you want?”
Tanya furrowed their brow in confusion. “Why wouldn’t Wanda tell me? I ordered her to tell me everything relevant that she knew about you.”
Princess Zamussels spat. “Because it wasn’t relevant.” She said ruefully. Tanya disagreed, and Wanda apparently did too if she provided that information.
“Well, I just thought I’d come get your measure before we release you next turn.” Tanya said idly. That got the Princess’ attention.
“What? Why would you do that?” Princess Zamussels asked, incredulously.
“Because Prince Ansom was willing to pay a ransom for you, of course.” Tanya said, smiling softly. “You’ll be deposited a mere three hexes away from his column next turn. In the meantime, I thought we could have a conversation.”
“Ugh, listen to you.” Princess Zamussels said in disgust. “I thought we could have a conversation.” She imitated mockingly. “Titans, Father would have loved you.” Tanya was beginning to understand that this rudeness may just be the Princess’ personality. “Well, let’s chat then. First, what’s the baddest thing you’ve croaked with your own blade?”
Well, if that’s how she wants to play this? Okay, what did she know about the princess? She was a mercenary, she was completely convinced of her own invincibility… “If Ansom didn’t save your overplump keister this morning, it would have been you.” Tanya said, glaring at Princ-no, at Jillian the mercenary.
Jillian startled back, as if she didn’t expect Tanya to match her manners. “What? I would have croaked you for even thinking about it!” She insisted.
Tanya scoffed. “Executing prisoners is free experience.” Tanya said icily. “Wanda said that Fate would intervene to ensure your safety.” They weren't so sure. “I counted on it, to convince Ansom to pay any price for your release.” Wanda’s explanation on how Fate worked… it was interesting, if probably unreliable. It seemed to rely on Predictamancy, where if you acted to fulfill a prophecy, the magic of the prediction aided your endeavors. Meanwhile, trying to go against a prediction instead turned that magic against you. Jillian was Predicted to ascend to the throne of Faq, therefore Fate would not allow her to be croaked until she accomplishes this task. According to their earrings, Jillian’s combat as a level 9 royal warlord allied with Ansom’s coalition was an impressive 25. A normal level 4 warlord with Tanya’s in-hex bonus, which Tanya’s combat rating probably matched, only had 14. If Jillian did escape her bonds, even with the unarmed penalties, she had a very real chance of successfully beating Tanya to death with her bare hands. At least, if the numbers of this wargame fully applied to them. They probably did. Fortunately, selling off Jillian to Ansom achieved multiple objectives.
“Wanda’s full of crap.” Jillian insisted. “Easy way, hard way, she’s insane.” Hrm, on one hand, this was a differing opinion that matched Tanya’s initial opinions about the magical hooey, but on the other hand, the magical experts all seemed to more or less agree that Predictamancers really did see the future. Headmaster Isaac, the most learned of the lot, was the one that posited the theory that Predictamancy’s magic enforced their own prophecies in the same way that a Luckamancer can influence random outcomes, which was an explanation for Wanda’s philosophy that made a lot more sense than the idea that in a world where ‘caster’ was an indelible feature of a person, that there was an entire school of magic that didn’t actually do anything.
“While Wanda’s sanity is surely an excellent topic, I thought we’d discuss something more… typical.” Tanya said. “Tell me about Ansom.”
“That arrogant popinjay?” Jillian asked incredulously. “What about him?”
Now to plant some more seeds. “He seemed to think you’d listen to him.” Tanya said. “I was wondering what kind of man he was to earn your loyalty.”
Jillian choked back laughter. “Me? Listen to Ansom? It takes more than a pair of earnest blue eyes and perfect blonde hair to get me to pay attention, much less obey.” Tanya raised an eyebrow at the assertion. “I do what he says because I’m being paid to do it, got it? It’s called being a mercenary.”
Tanya smiled. That was a good lead in. “Well, I’m sure you’ll enjoy the perfect position for a mercenary, then: getting paid to sit around and drink while others fight.”
“...what.” Jillian said flatly.
“Ansom was not willing to pay what you were actually worth.” Tanya explained, “But I was willing to give him a discount if he swore to keep you away from the battle. As the aerial commander of the RCC forces, your absence will cripple their ability to contest our dwagons, and while I could have just croaked you…” Tanya waved their hand vaguely. “If you weren’t going to fight Gobwin Knob forces, I was willing to accept a much smaller concession. All he needs to do is make sure that you stay far away from the battle.”
As expected, Jillian badly tried to conceal her subterfuge. “Well, if I’m getting paid to do nothing, clearly that’s what I’ll do. Yep. Gotta pay that upkeep, gwiffons aren’t cheap to feed, you know?” Compared to dwagons, they were.
They didn’t get to say much, but Tanya liked to think they had the mercenary’s measure after that conversation. It may be a bit of a snap judgment, but ‘princess who liked being a mercenary better’ was something Tanya could work with.
The plan was working as intended…