They had guns.

Tanya had more, and her units were more suited to exploiting firearm bonuses, and they only had pistols instead of rifles… but they had guns. Her own Barrier got broken by one.

Tanya put the six new pistols in her Inventory, shoved down her dress right next to her own pistol. One of them was lost when a warlord who was near the cliff had a rash of bad luck and fell down it when he got dismounted, but it was still troubling.

There was plenty of loot, though. The Empire had put well-trained stabbers as their primary infantry, and dorfs were about the same strength, so there was more value in this hex than could be claimed by one turn’s worth of juice if she went through the effort of extracting it instead of wasting most of it by claiming the ration value only.

Fortunately, she had enough juice stored in her wands that she could operate at a deficit. About fifty thousand shmuckers from the bodies, twelve thousand from the purses of the warlords, and the chuck wagons had another twenty in rations they were able to eat and carry off, the sausage and bread heavy meals quite agreeable to her knight’s palettes.

Still, they flew four hexes downriver and used the digging wand to make a cave, and after withdrawing some juice from the more circumstantial wands she put a foolamancy veil on the entrance, concealing the camp that her knights were assembling from the limited space.

The conditions were rather cramped, but it was safe. Tanya had her tent, and her tent had a writing desk, so that, her wand, and her crown was all that she needed to handle off-turn business.

“First battle finished at Jericho Pass. ╰(▔∀▔)╯Praise me.” Tanya sent in a note to Queen Virginia. If she wanted to communicate like a pair of teenage girls, Tanya sees no reason not to oblige.

After a delay, another note came back: “Wow! They’re all croaked! [_(*v*)_] You’re strong! How many losses?”

“Not enough to be noteworthy. (◕‿◕)” Tanya sent evasively. “Careful though, the Empire equipped their warlords with some of that special accessory we have. (^^;) That was a very unwelcome surprise. Their chuck wagons weren’t nearly as full as I had hoped, either.”

“Oh. (o-o) Well, with Jericho pass opened up, the Toadarm army will be much more easily able to threaten the Brine area, and the city of Eileen specifically.” Ah, Queen Virginia decided it was time for serious talk. “That column’s a good matchup to the level 3 city’s current defenses, and the Empire’s going to need to do something reckless if they want to reinforce it. With the Brine region secured, the western chunk of the Empire is cut off from easy reinforcements, and the weaker sides in that area can take advantage, breaking up that region.”

Tanya thought back to the extensive maps that were sent over. “And that would also give the Toadarms a route to the Empire’s capital site that they’re actually using, correct?”

“Yes, but they’re not really going to be able to exploit it, not after the losses they’ll take on Eileen.” Queen Virginia replied. “Well, also there’s another bridge they need to go through. You could sack that bridge too, but that may be a bit too suspicious.”

“Come on, Eileen is only level 3. I can take it.” Tanya sent back. “A barbarian razing the city is much less suspicious than the bridge. Give me a full appraisal of the defenses next turn and it’ll be done.”

“If you’re sure… ]_(@-@)_[ Okay.” Queen Virginia sent back. “Pretty sure that tower’s loaded up, though. The Empire has a shockamancer.”

“I’m not worried. ☀(▀U ▀-͠). My forces can take on pretty much anything short of a capital site.” Even then, she could probably win against the capitals of weak sides. “The Empire’s Brine region is in a pickle, and I’ll be chowing down.” Tanya chuckled at her own pun as she sent the note.

The final note of their exchange was naturally short. “Kk bestie go slay :-D” Hm. Queen Virginia is probably pretty lonely, if some mercenary Queen rates such high esteem.

…Or she’s doing the same thing Tanya is, and taking advantage of the limited communication bandwidth of exchanging notes to attempt to manipulate the ‘poor exiled Queen’. Given how Albinny’s signamancy clearly invokes the British Empire, particularly how they use deniable assets to manipulate other sides and tilt the balance of power… Tanya should probably not assume any good will that isn’t backed firmly by their logical best interest. So… not any different than she’d already been treating them.

Now, she needed to start with the letters to her Magic Kingdom contacts…

-----------------

Visha’s stack was essentially designated as Tanya’s ‘honor guard’, so it was exclusively populated with women. As such, while Tanya’s royal accommodations were still set up (like most items, tents, sleeping bags, and beds shrunk when unused to allow for a full field camp to be set up without needing pesky logistics units for this war game), to save space the floor of it was occupied by the sleeping bags of her honor guard, and three of them had to sleep on Tanya’s queen-sized bed to even fit everyone.

“Next time, I’ll make the cave bigger.” Tanya promised, her voice muffled by her adjutant’s shoulder.

“Didn’t you say this was as big as you could make it?” Visha asked, hugging Tanya closer.

“I’ll make a second cave.” Tanya corrected, “There’s bound to be penalties to having such a cramped camp.” She won’t know what those penalties are until tomorrow morning, but still…

“This isn’t much better than that high mountain hex a couple of tenturns ago.” Visha pointed out. “Sharing bunks for warmth was your idea that time.”

“That’s what you’re supposed to do in arctic conditions.” Tanya protested.

“That raging river outside the cave makes this place pretty damp and cold.” Visha added, “Might have similar penalties.”

Tanya sighed and shifted to make herself more comfortable. Honestly, the things she did to appease her subordinates. She had gotten far too used to having them be magically compelled to obey her. Having to maintain their morale manually should not be this irritating.

At least it was warm.

---------------------------

The next morning, with a new set of gems, drawn from her own moneymancy skill automagically by the contract, the intelligence from Sir Blair was displayed as a foolamancy projection detailing the city between her and the warlord cadre that led her raiding force. “So, the place is not yet fully fortified, as the reinforcements are still five hexes away. So right as the Frogs-” Tanya paused, “I mean the Toads are about to seize the place, they’re currently two hexes away, we stop them from winning by coming in, massacring the defenders, razing the place to the ground, and fly off laughing. The Toads’ army will absolutely destroy the reinforcements, and their clean path to JellyDonut will leave the Empire scrambling to prevent them conquering enough to split off a whole new side.”

“Hm, what kind of casualties are we expecting?” von White asked.

Tanya waved her hand vaguely. “That really depends on how well I can confound the tower spells. But there are thirty total levels of leadership, which should be relatively simple to defeat.” After all, by now their cadre of warlords totaled 56 levels. “Their highest level examples sallied forth to the hex we croaked last turn in order to delay the Toadies while they brought their reinforcements in. Eileen is more vulnerable than it has been for a long time.”

“So do you think we can take it without casualties?” Newsman asked.

“It’s not impossible.” Tanya said, “But mathamancy says only a twelve percent chance of zero casualties. Expected losses are less than one stack, with a thirty-ish percent chance of losing more: it’s within acceptable tolerances. The profit would be substantial, though.” As part of their barbarian journey, Tanya had somewhat obscured the exact extent of the treasury Tanya had hidden within her dress. Even Noble warlords didn’t tend to have a head for numbers, so while they knew that the warchest was large, she had implied that their cash reserves were not quite as robust as it actually was.

“It was a good negotiation, your highness.” Kurig said, “Getting paid to fill our pockets.”

Tanya chuckled. “Well, if we weren’t actually sustaining ourselves with this raid, then any moneymancer that looks at our actions might sniff out our mercenary nature. So we must make sure that no one suspects such a thing.” Moneymancers can do a lot by looking at financial data, but there are limitations. Not having a proper treasury and instead having a massive quantity of gems limits their insight further. Ironically, the random nature of gems extracted from mines throws out the careful calculations of moneymancers trying to track expenses, despite gems being natural moneymancy.

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

Hm, actually… Oh. That’s why moneymancy can’t detect gems at a distance! Because if they could, they could use moneymancy to steal the shmuckers inside! It’s a balance nerf! Putting that gigantic gap in the capability of a discipline so that one of their Scripture-noted capabilities isn’t nearly as useful as it should be was just collateral damage.

She had long theorized that the forbidden magic, retconjuration, was used by the Titans to institute balance patches, but now she had a piece of evidence. Such a slapdash solution was why the linkup worked, using other means to find the gems meant that the gems could be drained, as could happen if moneymancers were allowed to detect gems with their normal spells.

“Tanya?” Visha asked, concerned. “Did you have a brilliant idea?”

“Wha?” Tanya asked, before looking over the confused faces of her subordinates. “Ah… yes, but unrelated to the attack plan. Let’s refocus.” She re-created the foolamancy map. “I’ll take point, creating decoys for the tower to waste energy on. How effective that is will depend on how competent the one directing it is. Now, remember the planning for the sacking of Dancia…”

---------------------------

Unfortunately for the Empire, defeat in detail was exactly what the doctor ordered; the whole point of her attacking this end of their territory was that it was underdefended, and after wiping out their strongest warlords in the area, and attacking before their reinforcements could arrive… It was a one-sided slaughter.

Granted, it was a one-sided slaughter that croaked three of her men and would have croaked seven more if not for her healomancy wands, but when you’re dealing with this many units, it was impossible to use magic to cover for all of them. Particularly in the face of the limited numbers of firearms that they had…

Still, it was a nice payday. The city itself yielded a little less than seventy thousand, and she spent… not nearly as much juice as she did last turn to extract another twenty-five thousand from the larger pile of bodies, not wanting to dip into her wand’s juice this time. The larder was depleted, sent on those chuck wagons they looted last turn, but the purses of the warlords added another nine thousand. Even more profitable than the last turn.

With their devilry in the Brine region completed, they flew southwest, seeking to continue their harassment.

Maybe they could hold one of their cities for a turn to pop more knights…

---------------------------

[Prince Zed von Tour, level 10 Chief warlord]

The Empire was the greatest side to ever exist. This was something he knew to be true. Only they have defeated the bane of empires, the diminishing shmuckers for having many cities.

Adolf Altright, Carnymancer. Sigmund von Fraud, Thinkamancer. Albert von Spear, Dirtamancer. Together they have found a way to create a true Empire, multiple sides truly forged into one greater whole. Brutal von Boss, the dollamancer, created the ultimate accessory that can turn any unit into an archer without peer. His own crisp uniform was designed by von Boss, in fact. Very snappy.

But they had a problem. The Lederhosen Entente was taking up too much of their mobile forces, and the Toadies had capitalized, starting to invade the sturdy but weakened northern side, seeking to take their original capital, Jellydonut. Prince de Luigi should be condemned to Hellabad for their temerity.

Now, they had expected this. The forces kept to protect Jellydonut’s sphere of influence was more than adequate to, with some defense in depth, repel the entirety of the Toadarm column.

Unfortunately, they seem to have somehow managed to afford the most powerful barbarian mercenary force that Zed had ever heard of, a group of twenty-four stacks of flying knights armed with assault rifles. Where did they come from? Zed had no idea. All he knew was that they cleared the first two obstacles in de Luigi’s way, allowing the coward to take out the remaining column and start marching straight to Jellydonut with practically cosmetic casualties, a full strength thrust to one of their seven beating hearts.

It was an affordable loss, although saying such a thing felt like he had decided to attempt to use a breath weapon to fill their latrine pit with material. They had shifted the treasury stored there to one of the other capitals, and had transferred the ownership of the other cities to the other subdivisions of the Empire. They then sent von Spear over to very precisely degrade the city, gaining the shmuckers from the downgrade to level four, but also minimizing the loss in defensive bonuses, and had him throw in a few traps to boot. Von Stein had long filled the tower to the brim with defensive spells.

They had to bleed the Toadies somehow, after all. Part of the razing funds were spent on a dittomancer to duplicate Zed to lead the defense, which will be fine to turn that battle into a real meat grinder.

Oh, the Toad’s turn just started.

“Hm, the Barbarians didn’t hit anything this turn.” Commented Prince Reuben von Sport as he reviewed the report. He was also a Chief Warlord, level 9. An old friend, popped on the same turn in two different capitals.

One drawback to the Empire’s size was that there was a greater need for a bureaucracy, and the Chief Warlords that were tasked on the defense assembled a council to make decisions on general matters that did not require the commitment of one of their number to dedicate their full attention to. Due to the nature of their goal, they decided to call this council the General Stuff.

“Oh? Any action at all?” Zed asked.

“Out in the Chalkan mountains there was a barbarian warlord that got croaked, just a level one, probably freshly popped.” Reuben commented, shrugging. “Nothing from that massive army of fliers, though.”

Hm, curious. Well, even with a generous estimate of that group’s collective upkeep, sacking Eileen would give them at least a few turns worth of it. The question was, were they setting up for another strike, or were they just razing hellabad on someone else’s land?

Dare he hope that the barbarians turn their sights on the Toads? He would be so lucky.

The courtier he had on hat duty leaned in and whispered: “Sir, the attack on Jellydonut has started.”

“-und zat is my cue.” von Fraud said, waltzing into the room. “It is time for your session, von Tour.”

Nodding, Zed stood up from his comfortable chair and walked into the other room, laying down on the odd long cushion while the thinkamancer placed his hands on Zed’s temples. “Thank you.” Zed said.

“It is nothink.” von Fraud said, “It is only natural for a man to want to see himself fall in glorious battle, a fascination that can rarely be seen as we can today.”

Ugh. von Fraud’s theories on the nature of Men were rather irritating, but the man was so useful…

---------------------------

[Princess Tanya von Degurechaff, Level 8 Barbarian]

As it turned out, the Alfs were rather treacherous mountains. A natural ally tribe made their home there, Abominable Little Fellas, brown furry mountain-capable little boops that had a cooking special and thrived in the cold weather, converting bodies very efficiently into compact rations, little handheld discs that they called pogs. They could then use their cooking special to turn those things back from pog form into edible dishes.

Chief Gordon was considered the best chef, which was how they selected their chief. Even if he was… irascible. “You call those chips?” He asked, insulted at the potato dish that Tanya had created as a peace offering. “It’s so raw, the reason there’s no fish there is because it went and swam off!” He shouted.

Tanya’s eye twitched. Yes, her cooking wand only functioned as well as she could imagine the cooking process, but they were perfectly serviceable french fries. The changemancy even added salt and pepper!

She ate one of them. …Well, okay, they did seem a touch undercooked… She waved the wand at the meal again “Ramsey.”, then tried another. Much better. “How about now?” She asked, annoyed.

Chief Gordon sampled another. “It’s not crap.” Was his judgment.

Tanya looked over the rest of the hex. The snowy caps of the Alfs were beautiful vistas, the perfect place to stay for a turn.

They had found a rather large herd of feral alfalfas, which were grazing units that had plant matter for fur and corrosive spit, and had started hunting. At the same time, the tribe of ALFs showed up to do the same.

As they not only overpowered the advanced infantry-class ALFs but also outnumbered them, Chief Gordon immediately called out for peaceful contact.

While Tanya was perfectly willing to kill hundreds and thousands of people to ensure the continued survival of herself and her men (who were her only defense against archon hit squads), that didn’t make her a savage.

“So ruins hexes aren’t city sites?” Tanya asked after the meal was over.

“No.” Chief Gordon said, “Ruins hexes are gifts from the Titans, waiting for a lucky commander to come find what’s hiding inside.”

Tanya looked in the direction of the ruins hex they were discussing. “So Natural allies can’t use them?”

“No.” Chief Gordon said sadly. “It’s a more comfortable place for us to rest than the other hexes, but the Titans do not bless us with its bounty.”

“Let’s see what’s there.” Tanya decided. “I’ll split it with you if it’s a gem.”

The high mountain hexes surrounding the ruins hex were the tallest ones Tanya had ever seen, requiring five move from the units who were not equipped with the mile high club shoes, and the peak of the mountain where the ruins hex was took six. The mountain-capable ALFs took no penalties though, and the ones with the shoes took two and three. Passage would be impossible for a unit without a relevant movement special.

So she went alone. As they traveled up the mountain, Chief Gordon continued to explain the mysteries behind the ruins hex. “The longer it stays unplundered, the greater the prize. Back when we were allied with Tanners, They figured that once every ten turns was a good balance between getting a benefit without other sides scooping them on it and having a chance at something good. We were allied with them for one thousand, two hundred and eighty turns, through four rulers and ninety-nine episodes with the ruins.” He chuckled. “Ah, they were a bunch of idiot sandwiches, but they had a good run.” He shrugged, “In those ninety-nine, they got four artifacts. Rare, but so powerful.”

“Artifacts?” Tanya asked, intrigued. “Like the Arkentools?”

“Even among artifacts, the Arkentools are crazy. Nothing like what that Charlie guy has.” Chief Gordon corrected, “But yeah, how do you think the Arkentools were found? Ruins hex, each one. I guarantee it.”

As they entered the ruins hex, Tanya shuddered as the cold redoubled. “So how long has it been since anyone’s been here?” Tanya asked.

“Oh, a couple hundred turns, I think?” Chief Gordon said, unsure. “There may have been some plundering done when we weren’t watching the place. But if not, then yeah, about two hundred turns.”

“So how does this work?” Tanya asked, looking over the snow-blasted buildings. If this was real, this place would have been long eroded to nothing by the wind alone…

“Just look in the buildings, search for some kind of chamber.” Chief Gordon said, “That’s where the treasure is.” After a beat, he added: “Watch for traps, maybe golem defenders.”

Chamber? Hm. Tanya reached into her dress and pulled out a fistful of wands. “I think I have one that’s useful here…” She murmured. Okay, the bomb-shaped one was Findamancy, but it was for Locate City, not the one she’s looking for. The snorkel was weirdomancy, for breathing water… Ah. This one will work. She put the other wands away and waved it. “Couch Cushions!”

“Is that to find the chamber?” Chief Gordon asked, curious.

“No.” Tanya replied, “This one is to help me find my wands.” She reached into a different part of her dress with her new information and pulled out the correct wand. “Zoinks!” She said, casting Locate Entrance, which was a findamancy spell to find hidden doors and caves.

Pulled along by the wand, Tanya walked through the blisteringly cold ruins, which was even inflicting a hit or two worth of damage according to her Analysis. Soaked by her Barrier, of course.

Eventually, she found the chamber in question, a basement with a wooden trap door, and opened the place up. Inside was a grand underground arena, with a heavy golem waiting in front of a treasure chest.

Tanya drew her pistol and destroyed the golem in two shots. “Hm, what do we have here?” She said, eagerly opening the chest. Images of artifacts, taken from video games or legends, flashed through her head.

But… “A gem?” Tanya asked incredulously. “It’s just a stupid gem? ARGH!” It wasn’t exactly a small gem, either, thirty-thousand shmuckers, enough to turn a city site into a level 2 city right off the bat. For a normal Barbarian Warlord, it would be a treasure of immense value. For her? Junk.

She went outside, split the gem as promised with moneymancy, and left the hex in a huff, paying very close attention to the heartstrings of the ALFs as she did so. They seemed friendly enough, but without that assurance, she never would have gone off alone with them.

Still, hunting down ruins hexes sounded like a fine pastime for the future, after this job was over…