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Pop.

It was strange, the sensation of suddenly being, when before they were naught.

All of her knowledge, her own levers and fulcrums, were laid bare to her, and as her wheels started turning she started to know what she knew.

Her name is Elya von Culper. She is a Noble, as she popped from the city of Gin-G, a level 3 city in the royal side of Yojo Mojo.

Most of all? She was a turnamancer. Level 1 Novice, naturally. She looked around, and saw a vertical table that someone could be strapped into, with a small table near it. She knew that in the drawers just two steps away, there were several torture implements, both to cause pain… and to cause pleasure.

An electric thrill ran up and down Elya’s spine when she thought about it. That sounded fun… Still. She felt an order from her ruler. He was… King Ansom? Yes. King Ansom. She was to report to the tower top, increase the production of Gin-G, then mount a dwagon that would take her to the capital.

Well, at least her ruler was on top of things. Even as a novice, she knew that there were two spells to accelerate a city’s production. The first was the simple one, the one that did a flat plus fifty percent to the production of a city. One and done. She could do it to two cities in a turn, unless she screwed up the casting. As a freshly popped caster, that was a serious concern. The second way was more advanced, she couldn’t cast it yet. It could accelerate popping much more, but it took up the vast majority of her concentration in a turn; she had to stay in the same city for the entire off-turn cycle if she wanted to use it.

So she obeyed her orders, carefully applying the magic of Motion to the hidden wheels that turn like gears within cities, moved by the great churning wheel below Erf. Just a little bit more speed. Gin G was popping another commander, it looks like. Normally, it takes four turns to pop one. Now? Still four, actually. She’d need to cast twice, over two turns, to shave a turn off of it. King Ansom probably didn’t know that. She’ll tell him once she reports back. Or maybe the Chief Caster, Lord Rockwell?

The dwagon that awaited her was purple, and it did not look at all happy to be her mount. As the heavy lifted off, she idly applied her discipline to the dwagon.

That’s interesting. Assessing the feelings of a feral, which this particular dwagon was, is more date-a-mancy rather than turnamancy, but there was some overlap. This dwagons’ greatest tension was that it was no longer on the same side as the Arkenhammer. It was turned by it, but was then abandoned. That tangle of emotion made this dwagon’s simple motives clouded, and murky. It would be easy to turn this dwagon, if an enemy turnamancer tried. If it saw the Arkenhammer, it would in an instant.

But as a beast unit, it failed to understand what it could do about the situation beyond continuing to follow orders, so it was a low threat. She considered using magic to soothe the loyalties of the dwagon, but she considered it likely that King Ansom would want her to boost the capital’s production too, and she might not have enough juice to manage it already, spending even a single drop of it would make it so much worse.

The path to the capital, which was called Gobwin Knob, was mostly mountains after the first fifteen hexes, which were light forests and a lake. It was good that the King's orders to the dwagon included a route, because she had no idea where they were going.

The dwagon's move ran out in a high mountain hex that had a whole stack of dwagons, guarding what appeared to be a mine. She landed, and a warlord came out of the mine and waved at her. "Hi ho, neighborino!"

The warlord was short, wearing glasses with a bushy brown moustache. When Elya shook his offered left hand, she could see that this man was kind above all else, his gears gliding smoothly when he felt that his side was headed by kind, virtuous commanders. At his core was a wheel of deep anger, currently still and unmoving. "I'm Lady Elya von Culper. It is a pleasure to meet you."

"Well, it's nice to see the Titans have blessed us with a polite new caster!" The warlord said. "I'm Mad Flanders, foreman of this mine." He gestured to the dwagons. "The Princess saw fit to promote me and to garrison a stack of dwagons here to keep the mine safe, and to act as a… she called it a relay?" He took a moment to think. "Yeah. This mine is within one turn's dwagon flight to the capital and all of the western cities, so they can ferry commanders from any one city to another in a single turn."

The short man's pride in his side and the Princess in particular would have been visible even without her turnamancy senses, and it made Elya curious. What kind of person was the Princess? What drives her? She wanted to know.

"Rod! Todd!" Flanders shouted. Two diggers, already sweaty from their previous work, came out of the mine. They were bare faced, with curly hair that stood up rather than hang down. "Is everything ready for the Princess.?" One of the diggers nodded. "Alright, now go back to digging." The diggers cheered, their voices rather higher pitched than Elya expected, and ran into the mine tunnel.

"You'll want to ride this one." Flanders said, "He's dwagon-diddly-riffic!" He led her to a red dwagon that had a set of saddlebags set up. "Those gems will need to go directly to the Princess. She likes to handle the shiny things herself."

"Thank you." Elya said, to be polite. She mounted the dwagon, with more ease than the first time. "We should both get back to our Duty."

"Okaly Dokaly." The strange warlord said as she flew off.

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The second leg of the trip to the capital was as uneventful as the first. There was a set of rainy hexes that the dwagon went around, which she appreciated, and proved that the side's territory was well scouted.

Gobwin Knob was an impressive city, although she was probably biased. Level 5, with powerful walls and menacing aerial defenses. She noticed a stack of massive golems by the gate, with signamancy that was intimidatingly martial.

Two stacks of flying knights and twenty stacks of pikers trained at the direction of Princess Tanya. While freshly popped commanders weren't given all the information they could want, they at least knew the names and faces of their rulers, heirs, and chiefs.

Tanya, despite being a warlord, cast Foolamancy to simulate enemies and dangers for her units, which probably doubled her effective level when training units at a minimum.

The red dwagon ambled up closer to the Princess, slowing down until she was within arms reach of the smaller girl.

"You're croaked!" Tanya shouted at one of the knights. "Get off the field until the next round." Slumping, the knight followed her order, floating over to a small group of other knights.

Another flying Warlady pulled her away from Princess Tanya, who had turned and started yelling at the drilling infantry. "So you're the caster that the King mentioned?" She asked.

Elya nodded, holding out her hand to shake the subordinate Warlady. "Elya von Culper. Turnamancer."

The Warlady took her hand and shook it. "Victoria von Secret." She said, smiling. Elya liked her already. Her loyalty and drive was oriented mostly around the Princess, which was great. It would be difficult to turn her towards another team. "I'm the Princess' adjutant." That was kind of an odd title, but Elya understood it. It meant that she handled minor matters so the Princess could focus on other tasks, with scouting reports being the most relevant.

"It's a pleasure to meet you." Elya said honestly. "I think we're going to be good friends." She had her orders, so she should probably stop the smalltalk.."I have some gems from Ser Flanders." Even if he was promoted infantry, it cost her nothing to be polite. He was handpicked by the Princess, after all.

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"I'll take those." Victoria said, taking the saddlebags off of the dwagon. "You should report to the King and Lord Rockwell now. Tanya will make time for you after she's done training the men."

Elya looked once more at the training. It occured to her that she may be able to improve this, with turnamancy. Training is just drilling, a routine that goes around and around, a cycle. She could accelerate it, she was sure. Should she?

…no, she should wait for orders. Gobwin knob was currently popping spidews, at a rate of two per turn. They were heavies, but rather inexpensive ones, fast but relatively fragile. She was likely to be ordered to make that three per turn. After all, her side was not currently at war, so it was unlikely that they had any prisoners.

The dwagon deposited her on Efdup tower, and she walked to the throne room, to present herself to the King. On the way, she was directed to a powder room by one of the courtiers where she could freshen up from her flight. She appreciated the consideration, and also appreciated how the courtiers she interacted with were primarily motivated by the occasional praise that the Princess apparently gave out to efficient workers. The Titanic ideal for the unit class. Clearly, Yojo Mojo was favored by the Titans to have such diligent courtiers.

One of the courtiers, right before the door to the throne room opened, blew on a horn. “Introducing the Lady von Culper, of Gin-G.”

The doors opened at another horn blow, and Elya glided across the floor towards the throne. She popped with a military dress uniform, with a primarily green color. On her breast was the Princess’ livery, a silver medal of a twin headed dwagon, one with whiskers, one without. She kneeled before King Ansom, and awaited his response.

As the King sat on his throne, he seemed unhappy. He was quite attractive, a bold chin and piercing blue eyes. He looked mighty, as his royal regalia could not conceal his strong muscles, although she could notice a slight softness in his stomach, and his hair seemed to be thinning… But he put on a smile before he stood up and spoke, projecting his voice so all of the courtiers could hear. “Your arrival is fortuitous, Lady von Culper. Please, tell the court what discipline of magic you practice.” At his side, both Lord Rockwell and a second caster looked on in interest.

“I am a turnamancer, your majesty.” Elya replied. The courtiers whispered among themselves, giving her appraising looks. The soldiers did too, but they were appraising her for something unrelated to magic. “Do you wish for me to boost Gobwin Knob’s production as I did for Gin-G?” She asked. “Or would you prefer that I augment the training that I passed in the garrison?”

King Ansom seemed somewhat intrigued at the second option, but shook his head. “Boost the production of the Capital.” He ordered.

Elya was ready for that, and cast the spell smoothly. "Uberclock.” She needed to squeeze out every last drop of juice to manage it, but she did it. “Gobwin Knob will pop three spidews next turn.” She reported, bowing as the crowd of courtiers politely clapped at the demonstration.

At his silent order, Elya walked to his side, between him and the other caster, as another unit was announced. The new noble warlord from Orgchart, Eric von Leadon.

Discreetly, she observed the King, to see what made him tick. What motivated her ruler? What she saw somewhat surprised her. His core motive force, King Ansom was a romantic. He lived for love, to rescue Princesses and get the "hero's reward" from them.

But those feelings did not extend towards Princess Tanya, cut short by a sense of inferiority, of inadequacy. King Ansom was frustrated in his role, but bound by his strong sense of duty towards royalty in general and his Father's esteem in particular. If given the chance to put Tanya on the throne in his place and go on to save the Princess he currently held in his heart, he would take it in a second.

Interesting… it occured to Elya that most of the units seemed to have stronger loyalty to Tanya than to Ansom… that seems to suit the man, so she won't say anything on the matter.

After all, learning deeply personal details and keeping them quiet until one could take advantage was what being a Spook was all about.

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[Stanley, level 11 Chief Warlord of Faq]

Stan the man has been many things. A Piker, a Warlord, a Chief Warlord, and even an Overlord. He's croaked more units than most sides even possessed.

But now he's back down to Chief. He doesn't like admitting it, but being a Ruler isn't quite as fun as most people think. Sure, you get whoopie, and respect, and you never have to do stuff you don't want to do, but… it was safe.

Stanley finds that he doesn't like safe. He was the Titan's favored son, he was popped to kick crapholes and forget names, not to set production and manage money.

He did like the money management part, though. Sometimes. There was a joy in feeling the treasury number go up as a ruler that warlords just couldn't appreciate. Even now, it wasn't the same.

But now here he was, hunting for dwagons in the name of a crown, just like before. Say hello to the new boss, just like the old boss.

Well… the Queen was kind of a witch. Sure, he killed her King. That's fair. But she didn't even like him! Now Saline, he was a good King. He let Stanley do his thing, bring victories to Gobwin Knob. Saline understood that Stanley was special.

After all, it wasn't every turn that a piker promotes themselves to Warlord.

That was something the Queen Witch and Wanda didn't know about him. They asked him if he knew what Saline was thinking when he was promoted, but he just said that Saline knew he was awesome. Which was true. Saline promoted him to Heir Designate for that reason.

But it was the Arkenhanmer that promoted him to Warlord.

Dwagons follow the hammer for one reason alone: it is strength. They get a special bonus for fighting on the same side as the Arkenhammer, and dwagons love that feeling of strength. They know that the one who holds the hammer is a Winner, and dwagons are smart, they want on the Winning team.

He used to Win all the time. So much Winning that he got tired of it. He took a break from Winning to be an Overlord. Biggest mistake of his life. Heh. That's another thing that was nice about being the Ruler. If someone was too dumb to get your jokes, you could make them laugh anyway.

But being serious, Wanda is right, in her scary but hot way. The Titans want all of the Arkentools together, in his hands. Hanging back and ruling when the Titans wanted him to smash things with the hammer just made things difficult for himself. That crap made sense.

The second leg of his patrol ended as he entered the pass. While the high mountains were theoretically traversable, a lot of them in this area had weather so bad that you stood a real risk of croaking for trying. Losing fingers to frostbite was not fun.

Except for this trail of hexes. You went through 30 hexes to cross 12 hexes of distance and paid 60 move to do it… but it was still faster than going in a straight line, and doesn't make you lose hits for the effort.

The Queen parked a stack of dwagons here to guard the place, and Stanley was the guy who had to exhaust each of their move to check for any approaching enemy units.

Why him? Because of the feral dwagons, of course. He usually found one every other turn here, which was faster than it used to be. Mostly because he's combing through six times as many hexes, and there's never a time when he knows a dwagon is there but can't reach them when he patrols personally.

Of course, the real reason is because Faq doesn't have good scouting units.

"Milord, I believe I've noticed a dwagon." Jack said, pointing it out by creating a little foolamancy arrow, which turned into a circle in his field of view. "A little red dwagon, in fact." Two turns in a row, eh? Lucky. Stanley tilted the dwagon he was riding on a flight path to intercept it.

Right. Except Jack. He wasn't a proper scout, but he was pretty good at navigating these mountains, which always seemed to change up on Stanley between turns. He also knew enough Lookamancy that he could peer past hex borders without trouble, so they didn't run into an ambush.

If only he managed that before they entered Faq. Somehow, the Queen Witch got ahead of him, and got an ambush that should never have worked. Jack was still hurt from the broken link, so his brains were scrambled and he was useless.

It turned out okay, though. That Perfect Warlord got him the Arkenpliers. Sure, it wasn’t exactly like he expected, but he didn’t expect her to manage it at all.

He… was not looking forward to eventually having to fight her himself. Sure, he’ll win, because he’s the Titan’s favorite, but if she could get the Arkenpliers from the royal jerkwads on such short notice when outnumbered so severely… What can she do with levels and time? Wanda’s explanation on Tanya’s actions was… okay, he may have been too busy staring at Wanda’s chest to pay attention, but from what he did remember, she was making the column dance to her strings, going straight for the vulnerables and hitting the throat the instant she could.

She reminds him of him, when he was getting used to the Arkenhammer. He wasted so much time at first, hitting people where they’re weak and taking several turns to smash his enemies, but the thing about fighting is that there was a point that no amount of fancy tactics or unit compositions that can stop knights on dwagons without one hell of a numerical advantage, and the things that can? Still can’t handle the Arkenhammer when it Rocks their World.

But the Queen Witch managed it. He remembered the fight like it was today, he couldn’t forget it. He zapped her with the hammer, he knows he did. But… he missed. He never misses. He was so shocked that when she croaked his screens, he was slow to call another dwagon. It left him open for whatshername, the hokey pokey. She had a tower spell saved just for him.

And now he was back. Stanley still didn’t know how to feel about that, nearly sixty turns later. Sure, his side has the Arkenpliers. Mission Accomplished. But… Hrm. It didn’t feel like a win.

Eventually, after going through what was probably over two hundred different mountain hexes on thirty different dwagons, he finally got to fly back to the capital. One of Wanda’s warladies and her stack of lackeys met him at the map table. “Nothing today ‘cept a red.” He told her. What was her name? Eh, she was some kind of noble, that’s all he really needed to know. “I sent it to Otoh.” Now Otoh and Kibo both have a full stack of dwagons, plus one for a warlord. Now that’s power.

The warlady nodded primly at him and turned to her stack. “One red dwagon for Otoh’s garrison.”

“Yes, Duchess Potatoes.” Said the lackey while digging through the box of figures. So that was her name.

After the scouting map was done, after long and hard hours of flight, finally Wanda and the hokey pokey entered the Situation Room. “We need better scouts.” Stanley said, pounding the table with his fist. “How are we gonna keep watch after I take the dwagons to go sack one of those royals?” He’s always wanted to sack Transylvito. Those wiseguys think they’re so tough. He’ll clip ‘em with a good whack from the ‘Hammer, see if those goombahs can handle the boss of this outfit after that.

“All in due time, Stanley.” Said the hokey pokey. She was always saying stuff like that. It was annoying. “Brother Orwell does not think highly of the Queen, but he will come around soon. I Predict it.”

“Who’s that?” Stanley asked, “Some kinda Lookamancer?” Scouting mountains was a pain, but Lookamancers made things so much easier. He speaks from experience.

“Yes.” Wanda said, before waving a hand. “He will be the last caster of Faq’s original court to join us before our apotheosis can begin.”

Hrm. Stanley really wanted to complain, Wanda didn’t really know how to run a war… but if his plan to use this capital site to build back up worked, he probably would have spent at least this long popping units and taming dwagons before trying to get more than the three cities that this valley has.

It’s just common sense. If your upkeep payments are low enough that you’re getting more than a couple thousand shmuckers a turn, your army is tiny and you need to hunker down. They never actually dipped below that point in Gobwin Knob when he was in charge until Manpower lost all those Spidews. That disaster of a battle also wiped out all of their knights, except for the hobs.

It was so hard to find warlords worth their upkeep. Fortunately, Faq didn’t have that problem, because they had Stanley the Plaid. He knows a thing or two about how to conquer a side. They couldn’t pop dwagons, but gwiffons were actually pretty close to them. Sure, the regular kind weren’t great, but that megalogwiff that popped a few turns ago was impressive. He’d rather have that in pink dwagons, but he could appreciate other kinds of heavy fliers.

Getting a replacement for the hobs will be a pain, though. The… what do you call them again? Decrypted, right. The Decrypted hobs couldn’t be used to pop new members, not even the one that used to be chief. They’re faq units, not natural allies. Which sucked. Rocking Out without a good band of knights sucked.

There wasn’t much more to say, really. “Well, once we get the guy, we can go start conquering the world.” Stanley said. He wasn’t quite sure why the Titans have been making this so difficult, but with two Arkentools, it was still proof that he was the Titan’s favored son, destined for greatness.

Conquering the world was inevitable, or his name wasn’t Stanley the Plaid.