Most stories would have the protagonist be knocked unconscious or blinded in some way during a kidnapping. Not this one. No what actually happened here is this bitch literally dragged me through the entire town until we came to a small shack on the outskirts. She brought me down into the basement and tied me to a chair.
The basement, along with the rest of the house and the chair I was tied to, seemed to occasionally fade in and out of existence, with the form and locations of furniture shifting about every time.
“Would you please be so kind as to tell me what the fuck you’re doing??” I demanded.
“Oh Max! Maxie! Maximillian! …Maxwell? I have no ill intent! I only wish to offer you my blessing!” the mystery lady said, as I finally got a look at her.
Now I would love to provide you readers with an accurate and positively enthralling description of this girl, but I can’t remember. In fact, when I saw her in broad torchlight I still couldn’t quite tell her exact details. The most I can say is that she looked utterly generic. Like a literal NPC.
“Some know me as Mary Sue-” she said, flourishing her exceedingly non-descript features. “-and others know me as John Doe-” she said as her form shifted into something much more masculine. “-but I prefer to be called the Goddess of Jokes!” she said as her form lost its corporeality and she faded into a faint yet somehow bright mote of light, shifting in the air.
Well that confirms gods I guess.
I sighed. “And you couldn’t have just talked to me normally why???”
“Because I couldn’t have you making a fuss after I gave you my blessing silly!” she responded cheerfully.
“Well what if I don’t want your blessing?” I retorted.
“Too late!” and she snapped her finger even though she had no form.
…
…
“I doth not feeleth aught diff'rent.” I said, unamused.
…
The sad excuse for a goddess immediately shifted back to a feminine form so she could keel over on the ground, laughing hysterically.
“At which hour I receiveth out of this I am moving to kicketh thy s'rry ass so hard thee shall endeth up in Jerusalem!” I fumed.
…
The vile thing eventually caught its breath and got up off the ground and stared at me pensively. “Hmmm. It isn’t perfectly accurate, but it definitely accomplishes what it sets out to do! I must say Maxie, your world has some fascinating things!”
“Removeth this hex, demon!”
“Noooope! This has potential!” she laughed.
In that moment, she approached my still immobilized form and untied me. I immediately lunged at her, only to sail right through her form, landing face first on the ground only to find myself in front of Ava’s tavern. The sun was now setting as I opened the door to be greeted by a full house of patrons.
When I find that bitch she is getting the business end of Stabby SO fast.
I approached the counter, looking for Ava. I spotted her a small distance away speaking to a patron of the same feathery species as herself. The patron in question boasted a much more colorful coat of feathers compared to Ava.
Is this one male? It would track if we consider birds on Earth…
Eventually she finished talking her customer walked away, waving. She had begun to approach me as I made my way behind the counter.
“You were out for a while Max, what were you up to?” she questioned with curiosity evident in her large eyes. She cocked her head expectantly.
“Doth thee knoweth aught about a deity of jokes?” I said, wincing at my own involuntary mannerisms a moment later. I didn’t even stutter! I wasn’t even aware that I had said it like that until after I had said it! My expression immediately became outwardly annoyed as I rolled my eyes and groaned.
“Oh no Max, did the Goddess of Jokes appear to you?” she asked with an almost maternal tone to her voice, like consoling a child.
I nodded, not wanting to embarrass myself even more. This had already become stale.
Ava’s patron from a few moments ago had since approached, waiting for an opportunity to interject. Now that I got a better look at him, I could tell that he was quite aged. If we use a human lifetime as a scale, then I would probably say early to mid seventies. His feathers were a faded, but still somewhat vibrant pattern of reds and greens, and a bit of yellow at the tips of his head feathers.
“Honey, who’s this now? Have you strongarmed someone into working for free again?” he interrogated her playfully, laughing lightly.
“Oh come now! He’s a traveler from the south that’s just passing through. He needs transportation to Elion, so I offered him a place to stay while he waits for one. He only has to help out sometimes!” she retorted, almost offended.
“Alright, alright.” he conceded as he put his hands up in surrender.
Ava let out a long sigh. “I’m sorry Max, this is my father — Flitz. He can be a bit much at times, but he means well.”
Flitz let out a scoff at this, but seemed to take no real offense. “Now, I believe I overheard a bit of a fuss? Something about a Goddess?”
“Mhm, he had a run-in with the Goddess of Jokes it seems.” she briefly regarded me with a look of sympathy. I smiled at that, but it didn’t last long when I heard what Flitz had to say.
He let out an uproarious laugh, briefly drawing the attention of some other patrons. “She tends to frequent the area, so I can see that happening.” he paused. “Well lets hear it then! What’d the goddess do to you?” he laughed a bit more, emphasizing the apparent comedy of the situation. I couldn’t say that I held the same belief.
“Thee appeal h'r a deity and yet the crone seemed m're like a demon to me.” I grumbled.
Flitz closed his eyes in thought. “Hm, haven’t heard anyone speak Common like that before. That what she did? She make you talk weird?”
I nodded.
“I might be missing something here, but it sounds like her joke fell flat here, though she does prefer outright mischief from time to time. Still, normally she prefers there be at least a punchline. Most curious indeed.” he conjectured, smiling. “Alright lad, normally Mary doesn’t do any real harm, so I think you ought to just give it time. She may even drop by to give you advice if you’re patient.”
Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
At this I sighed. He seemed to be implying that I shouldn’t be so harsh on her, but it was kinda hard to do that after she kidnapped me and tied me to a fucking chair.
“I wouldst like to concur, but the demon also hath chosen to abduct me. The crone wouldst doth well not to antagonize me furth'r.” I said as sharply as I could, though this ‘blessing’ made it a challenge.
“Ah yes, she does like to be more personal about it sometimes. Consider yourself lucky, she doesn’t do that with just anyone!” he bantered.
“Father! I’m not so sure he feels the same!” Ava cut in.
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Our conversation had lasted a while longer, though it had eventually shifted past the topic of gods and goddesses. Apparently Flitz and the goddess had quite the history, though the precise nature of it was beyond me. When Ava had attempted to mention my status as an outworlder, I gave her a look. When I made motion to head to sleep, I pulled her aside to explain myself. Without going into too much detail, I essentially said that I didn’t want to have that conversation in my current state, but that I would be happy to talk whenever this passed, if I was still in the town.
A Goddess of Jokes huh? I didn’t meet any gods when I first arrived here… were they even involved with that? The one I met had seemed to be mostly oblivious save for her apparent knowledge of Shakespeare. I guess I’ll find out eventually.
The moons were beginning to wane, but I thought that I could see what looked like glints of light around the orbital path of the smaller one.
I ought to get or try to make a telescope one of these days. I wonder what’s out there…
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Like most days, I woke up well before the sun had begun to rise. I sat up in the bed and looked around, patting my hand around the night stand looking for the lantern that I had been given with the room. I moved my hand away, giving up, only to feel my hand impact something soft and fleshy.
“Hi!” said a voice that seemed to come from where I had groped. The light of a lantern suddenly crested the intruder from below, illuminating her face like someone telling a campfire story.
The goddess.
In the light of the now lit lantern, I grabbed Stabby and brandished it at her, ready to strike.
“Hey woah! No need to be so aggressive Maxie! I’m here to talk, so let’s put the spear down and be civil.” she laughed nervously.
“Thee wisheth to discourse? To beest civil? Wherefore art thee not abducting me again?” I demanded, though once again it killed me that I couldn’t effectively dress her down. Even so, I decided that if she wanted to bargain, then I would take that before ever attempting to slay a god. This isn’t some seasonal trash isekai after all, just a trash isekai. And trust me, there’s a difference.
“You were waking up to go experiment with magic again, right? Well let’s go there! We can talk during!” she offered.
How the hell does she know that. Wait no she’s a goddess of course she knows that.
I sighed, and silently nodded in assent. I gestured for her to follow, keeping Stabby in hand.
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The walk to the previously smoldering crater of my earlier experiment was silent. I didn’t know what she was planning, but whatever it was, I was not ready. I’m not going to say that I was ready for whatever nonsense a literal god could get up to. Like I said in chapter one: that shit’s above my paygrade, even now after writing this.
When we arrived at the site, I looked at her expectantly. Say your piece damn it. Talk.
“Oh, don’t worry about me. I want to let you experiment first, I’m very curious you see.” she said, waving her hand in dismissal.
Bitch I can’t cast like this. I don’t want to know what’ll happen when I’m in this state!
Even so, I didn’t want to argue with her right now. The last thing I needed was to reaffirm her belief that my suffering was indeed amusing. Instead, I decided to focus on the non-verbal aspects of magic — the mana itself. I didn’t have any runes, but I could still try to figure out mana.
What about saturation? Jasko had said that saturated objects are unstable… or something.
I picked up a rock about the size of a softball and focused on my mana. I tried to pass it into the rock, and with some difficulty I managed, though it did seem to expend mana to even do that. By the time I had gotten what I considered to be a reasonable amount into the rock, I had expended nearly twice as much as I had put in the rock.
Weirdly enough, it felt just a little bit heavier. It also felt somewhat warm, the implications of which were lost on me. The goddess had simply been observing from about a meter away, her gaze transfixed on the rock in my hand.
Time to test what Jasko said.
I gave the rock a strong overhand throw, aiming at a small tree that looked like one of those weird palm trees with the thick trunks, though it was dotted with vibrant red flowers. The rock sailed through the air, striking true. And as it did, I heard a loud bang echo through the air, almost like a gunshot. I felt and heard something whizz past my ear — likely a piece of shrapnel. The rock had exploded in a cloud of dust accented with luminous blue arcs of mana.
…
Holy shit. I guess that could be useful in a pinch, though I definitely can’t use that again for a while. That took a lot of my mana!
It was when the dust dissipated that the goddess spoke up. “Woah! I haven’t seen someone do that in years! Most people are too scared of blowing their hands off to try that!” she exclaimed excitedly.
I gave her a look of annoyance, hoping that she would finally get the hint.
She seemed to get something alright, since she spoke again, this time less excited. “Alright fine, we can talk. And just for starters, I’m not sorry. BUT, I do feel bad.”
Aren’t those literally the same thing???
“I’ll tell you what. Knowledge — er, the God of Knowledge, has information about your world pretty locked down. Most outworlders from there are pretty scared of him after that show of power he did like a century ago, so not much has gotten around about it.” she said. “But you are fresh. He doesn’t know about you yet, and I want to know about the kinds of comedy in your world. So how about this — tell me about your world’s comedy, and I might lift that blessing!”
She just wants to know about Earth’s comedy? Nothing else?
I opened my mouth to speak, but she stopped me.
“Oh! While I do think that Shakespeare guy was pretty funny, I don’t really understand him all that well, so I’ll let you talk normally for now!” she said, snapping her fingers.
Like before, I didn’t feel any physical changes take place. I didn’t even feel the mana in my body change or fluctuate. It’s like what she did was entirely in a vacuum.
“About damn time. You wanna hear about Earth’s comedy? You got it, as long as I get to talk normally after this.”
“I already said that but-”
“No, you said you might lift it. I don’t want a might. I want a guarantee. Do that and we’ll talk comedy.” I demanded.
This was apparently enough for her. “Fine! You can talk normally after this! Now let’s hear it! Tell me some jokes! I wanna hear it all!”
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It was afternoon before that conversation reached its end. I decided that it was as good a time as ever to utilize the abundance of videos I had saved to my phone via less-than-legal means. I had movies of all kinds, video essays that I had for some reason saved, memes, you name it. She had been enamored by most of it, but what really got her interest was absurdist humor and memes. While there is overlap, it was the abundance of templates and styles of memes that drew most of her attention as opposed to absurdist humor, in which case it was mostly the nature of the genre itself.
I had also showed her some stand-up comedy, but she had brushed that off. Apparently her followers like to travel around and do that as like a form of worship or something.
Weird, but fitting.
After I had finally reached the end of my repertoire of Earthly comedy, the goddess had seemed very satisfied with what I had to say. Oddly enough, she hadn’t been interested in my phone in the slightest, save for the potential it had for comedy.
“Alright, I think I’m happy with what you’ve given me here! I would like to thank you-”
“Are gods mortal?” I asked, cutting her off.
“Of course not silly!” she giggled.
“Oh, okay then! In that case, if you ever do anything like that again to me-” I got right up in her face that I still can’t remember. “-then I will find a way to make you mortal.”
She burst out laughing at this. “Stop! Oh please stop! You’ve given me enough material already today!” she wheezed.
…
After she calmed down, she continued where she had left off. “I want to thank you, Max. I would like to bestow upon you a real blessing. And don’t worry, no Shakespeare this time.”
She began to fade from existence before she began to speak again. “May your tongue be silver always, Max.” she said before her fading form exploded in smoke, with high-pitched laughter emanating through the air.