As I cock my head and look over at Jobi I can’t help but quip, “Fully ass~essed? More like half ass~essed.” I’m a paragon of wit. More to the point though, I think my go-to reaction to whatever the fuck that look on Jobi’s face is, just happens to be overwhelming verbal stupidity. Is this useful, or am I broken somewhere?
*Crack* There’s a flash of pain and red in the corner of my vision for a second. I blink and shake my head - to see Jobi holding the broken handle of something metallic, and my peripheral shows me the other part of it laying on the floor. That hurt.
“I’m not typically one prone to violence. However, let it be stated that any and all utterances that decrease one’s intelligence by being in the same room as them will not be tolerated.” Jobi scowled at me, but behind her Vorben was biting his forearm and convulsing as subtly as possible.
Jobi glances at Vorben, but doesn’t seem to care about his actions. She whirls back on me and jabs her finger right in my nose. “Now. Let us go and test your abilities. I do believe the laboratory is far too cramped a confines to adequately calculate your potential. Vorben, please fetch some basic gear and meet us on the ridge. As for you, I shall dine to give you a short tour of the facility as we progress towards our destination. Per-chance the information will stick and you can become a useful assistant.”
Sure, why not? I muse to myself. But first, I’m excited to get an idea of what it is that I can do. I wonder how they’re going to test me.
I tried to stand up but realized that the ceiling ends about where my shoulders are. They look higher up given that they’re half again higher than Jobi and Vorben, but I guess that just means I’m really really big.
Huh? Maybe it would just be easier to follow Jobi crawling. At least that way I won’t hit the ceiling. I drop to all fours and start walking on my fingers and toes. Ahhh… that’s a lot easier. Now I can be at eye level with everything at least. Ugh, but the hallways are still kinda narrow.
Outside out of the laboratory is a short hallway, maybe twice my height in length, that has a big metal door at the end of it standing open. Behind the door I can see pieces of creatures strewn all over the place along with lots of different metals and what I can only imagine to be a combination forge/smelting/crafting desk covered in designs and gems.
Jobi leads me down the hallway explaining, “The laboratory we just left is my laboratory, where I perform my research on souls and animation. Across the way is Vorben’s laboratory where he builds and tinkers with concepts for replacing systems or replicating functions of various creatures.” I nod in understanding, despite not having any idea what it is they actually do to accomplish this, or what any of it really means.
She continues with a gesture to the hallway to my left. My glance shows a dark matte gray portcullis with a white and green swirl of magical energy around it extending from ceiling to floor and twice again horizontally. “Verily, that direction houses the much larger facilities where we experiment with the generation of new species, animations and abominations, and all sorts of monsters. When not actively using the area we keep as much of it secured as possible due to… mishaps in the past. We’ve found it's easiest to just have them open and close automagically.”
Does that mean it’s dangerous? I don’t sense any danger from that direction. I want to ask questions but she’s already moved on. I got time, I can ask later.
In the middle of the corridor, directly across from the closed gates, is a long, short, narrow, hallway that winds back and forth with stone doors embedded in the curves. Ok, turns out these are bedrooms, storage closets, magical crafting rooms, a kitchen, a pantry, a smoke room for curing meats… *RuMbLe*
I look down confused while Jobi whirls around startled. Then she starts to laugh at me. “It appears you’ve somehow transcended your status as a golem and are a living creature. Are you perhaps famished?”
“I hadn’t even considered the idea of eating before.” I replied. “But once I saw and smelled that meat… yeah, I’m hungry. Any chance I can grab some of that to take with?” Since she wants to test my capabilities I should probably at least have some fuel in me.
Jobi merely waved a hand at the room before continuing to walk down the hall. “Help yourself.”
I quickly look back and forth trying to figure out what I want to pick up. Wait, I’m walking on all fours so I can’t just grab armfulls of food. There’s a round basket but it seems too awkward to try and carry it while I crawl along. Damn it! Is this just Jobi screwing with me for that stupid thing I said earlier? My suspicion flares. You know what, screw it. I grab a basket and double back to one of the supply closets a dozen strides behind me.
Rope, my friend. Will you work for me? I use the rope to tie the basket around my neck. Sweet, this works. Before I grab some meat though I wanna raid the pantry, there was some interesting stuff in there. I pilfer some bread, cheese, and fruit, then toss that into the basket with a bottle of something liquid. I quickly grab up a bunch of drying or cured meats, not sure which is which but they all look and smell great, and put them in my basket-turned-necklace pouch before sprint-crawling to Jobi.
Wow, she’s much prettier when she smiles. The thought hits as I see her holding her stomach roaring with laughter at the obviously ridiculous sight of a naked giant crawling around with a basket of food tied around it’s head. I’m sure I look as dumb as can be but what the hell else am I supposed to do?
She starts to wipe at her eyes and take big breaths to calm down. “Maybe it would’ve been easier on you to travel through the larger tunnels that were designed based on the parameters of our larger experiments. I had merely wanted to share our dwellings with you since we’re both quite proud of them but have yet to have company that can appreciate our work outside of each other.” Her voice sounded both happy and listless.
Her demeanor shifted abruptly to a more professional tone. “The stairs around that bend lead to the top of a ridge that looks out over the blasted wasteland. That’s where we shall begin your assessment.”
As I crawl up the stairs something seems to catch my attention at the top, but I can’t quite figure out what I’m looking at. The closer I get the more interesting it is when suddenly I notice that it’s really bright and hurts my eyes to look at. I keep blinking until finally it starts to fade and come into focus - then it dawns on me - literally. This is my first time seeing light. I mean sure, there was that flash of light around Jobi when I accidentally threw her across the room, but I think that was just magic discharge and not real light. This is… well… beautiful.
I speed up my four legged stair climb to see what outside looks like. Ok, no. The exit is a crack in a boulder in-front of a cave that I can’t possibly hope to fit through. “Ummm… Jobi? How am I supposed to get out?”
“Hmmm… you know what, we really haven’t considered the complications that one of your stature would incur. Maybe you can just lift and move one of the boulders? I would recommend the left one.” Jobi’s words implied that her and Vorben would try and accommodate me, but her tone said this couldn’t be any less her problem and I somehow needed to just not be so inconvenient. I’d expect nothing else by this point.
Reaching out I grab the boulder-half on the left and start trying to move it. I don’t know if it’s a lack of leverage, or I’m just too weak, but this damned rock won’t budge. I brace myself and shove - slip - and smash my face on the top stair, breaking my basket and spilling food everywhere. Fuck that hurts.
As I’m working to try and recollect my spoils, Jobi’s face pops up through the light streaming through the crevice between the boulder-halves. She lifts her left hand and pats the boulder on my right. “The left boulder. What are you doing back here? Vorben has already been waiting on you and he took the long route.” Yes, this is definitely spite and payback for both my stupid pun earlier and her inability to prove the success of her experiments.
Setting my goodie basket aside, I take a deep breath, crawl up, and smash my full strength into the boulder-half that Jobi’s hand was resting on. Was. The boulder piece skips forward, goes airborne, and sails right off the edge of the ridge and down into a ravine, kicking up a cloud of dust.
The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.
“You know you’re going to have to go and get that back up here right?” Jobi mocks me.
I ignore her completely as I grab my food and crawl out from underground and into the light of the sun for the first time.
The warmth on my skin, the feeling of air on my face, I close my eyes and lift my face towards the warmth for just a moment. This overwhelming feeling of life and energy pouring into me is empowering and revitalizing.
*Deep inhale* - *smile* - *deep exhale* This is what being alive should feel like.
Slowly I open my eyes to look around. A couple paces ahead the ground abruptly cuts away and drops into a black scarred pit. Everywhere I can see is nothing but black and gray sand and stone, blasted chunks, broken land, abrupt cliffs and drop offs, and strange land formations. There looks to be some white trees in the distance, and as I’m looking closer I think I make out plant life, but it’s not green. Kinda a weird beige/brown/black mess and… is it moving? Yep, definitely moving.
The shuffling of feet to my left distracts me from the scene. Jobi is standing there with a look of disgust and sadness. “Once upon a long time ago - according to the books I’ve procured - this continent was flourishing with flora and fauna.” She tells me. “The font of magic flowed in such heavy concentrations that the rivers themselves were pure mana.”
Her voice fades with a sense of longing to see a world long gone. I guess I can relate… maybe? “What happened?” I prod her. Shit, I know nothing about this world and I’d love a history lesson.
Jobi reaches up to cover her mouth *ahem* before proceeding in a somehow both lecturing and dismissive tone. “The standard aspects of war. Not enough land. Wanting resources that others possess. Greed, ego, ambition, hate, pride. -- Where is Vorben? His arrival should have preceded ours.”
A sharp whistle sounds behind me as I reflexively snap around towards that direction. Sitting on-top of a nondescript pile of boulders some distance away is Vorben with a wooden crate, crossed arms, and a smug smile.
“Oy, I was a’ wonderin’ ifn’ yous would turns and looks or justs prattle away the light.” As he chuckles out the sentence he waves us over - then kicks the crate off the boulders. “Thas’ fer you lad. Try erm on.”
Curious I jog over, oh man jogging feels refreshing, and pull the lid off the crate. “What am I looking at?” I ask before I even have a chance to look at what’s in here.
I can hear the eyeroll in Vorben’s reply, “Clothes ya wit. Put em on so we’s ‘an gets started.” Then he adds with a smirk, “Plus a few wep’ans and some basic gear, but tha’s fer round 2.”
“Oooo… weapons? Now we’re talking!” Pulling out the stuff in here there’s some nice quality clothes. Are these spider silk boxer-briefs? What material are these socks made out of? They’re both stretchy and warm. The pants are a baggy leather that belt at the waist and tie at the knee and ankle. The boots are soft and supple, pulling up to mid calf, with a sole made out of some ridged scaled metal that feels barefoot but protective. The shirt is also billowy and loose, with ties at the hips, wrists, and elbows. The last part of the outfit is a hardened leather vest that folds across and clasps. Overall it is quite comfortable, and I imagine stylish.
Holding back my excitement has never been easy, but now that I’m all dressed it’s time to look at the weapons. Or, well, weapon? At the bottom of the crate is only a single weapon and a red leather bag. I reach in and grab the knife by the handle. Or, is it a sword? I would think for Vorben it would be a sword. The sheath is a beautiful black wood with white veins through it that match the handle of the knife. I draw the knife to find a flat straight edge that tapers to a wicked point at the end. It fits perfectly in my hand. Looking down I realize it’s just one of a matching pair. Instinctively, I refit my belt and sit each blade on a hip with the edge facing up in the sheath.
*Whew* I look up as Vorben lets out a low whistle. “Yer lookin’ mighty fierce there. Lets sees whatch’ya cans do.”
There’s gotta be a big ass smile plastered across my face. I can’t help myself, “Bring it!” I challenge him.
“‘Ight.” Vorben smirks at me. “See ‘dat dere pylon.” He points to one of the rock formations in the distance. “Get dere’, tag ‘et, get back in one piece.”
“How far is that?” Gotta figure out how fast I am.
Jobi pipes up, “It’s roughly -- *bzzt* ~distance~ *bzzt* -- from here.”
What the fuck? Did her voice just distort? That felt like a lance through my brain. “How far?” I ask again, my face a twist of pain and confusion.
“*bzzt* ~distance~ *bzzt*.” She responds flatly.
Everything suddenly freezes as time itself slows to a dead stop.
----------------------------------------
AUTO-TRANSLATION ERROR ENCOUNTERED.
CONFLICT OF UNITS.
THREE ENCOUNTERED.
HOST INPUT REQUIRED.
PLEASE SELECT UNIT OF MEASUREMENT.
Option 1 - Imperial (Already Known)
* Pros: Familiar
* Cons: Confusing
* Length:
* 12 inches = 1 foot
* 3 feet = 1 yard
* 22 yards = 1 chain
* 10 chains = 1 furlong
* 8 furlongs = 5280 feet = 1760 yards = 1 mile
* 3.45 miles = 1 league
* Weight:
* 16 ounces = 1 pound
* 14 pounds = 1 stone
* 100 pounds = 1 hundredweight
* 2,000 pounds = 20 hundredweight = 1 ton
* Temperature:
* 0 deg = freezing point of brine (salt water)
* 32 deg = ice melts
* 96 deg = human temperature (variance exists, typically 98.6)
* 212 deg = boiling point of water
* Fluid Volume: fluid ounce (fl oz)
* 8 fl oz = 1 cup
* 16 fl oz = 1 pint
* 2 pints = 1 quart
* 128fl oz = 16 cups = 8 pints = 4 quarts = 1 gallon
Option 2 - Metic (Already Known)
* Pros: Simple (base 10)
* Cons: Translation not exact
* Length: Meters
* 1km (kilometer) = 1,000m (meter) = 1,000,000mm (millimeter)
* Weight: Grams
* 1kg (kilogram) = 1,000g (gram) = 1,000,000mg (milligram)
* Volume: Liters
* 1kL (kiloliter) = 1,000L (liter) = 1,000,000mL (milliliter)
Option 3 - Draconic (Unknown)
* Pros: Currently referenced system of measurement, similar to Imperial
* Cons: Unknown - must learn
[Option 1 - Imperial] | [Option 2 - Metric] | [Option 3 - Draconic]
SELECT TRANSLATION DEFAULT VALUES
----------------------------------------
What kind of insane sociopath created the Imperial system? It feels familiar but confusing. Metric is simple and makes sense. Draconic would be cool to learn, but learning it might take too long. Oh? Let’s try something.
“Translation system, is it possible to change the default at any time?” I mentally ask to the empty frozen air and block of data visualized in my mind.
AFFIRMATIVE.
Ok. Interesting. “Does selecting a default preclude me from learning a new measurement system and changing the translation in the future?” How flexible is this system?
NEGATIVE. SELECTION IS FOR HOST CONVENIENCE ONLY.
Replies! Sweet. How about this? “What does ‘HOST’ mean?”
ERROR. QUESTION OUTSIDE OPERATION PARAMETERS.
Of course it is. I want to ask it a ton of questions but I’m certain I won’t get any more answers. Welp, since I can change it, why not just let it choose.
AUTO-SELECTION DETECTED. CHOOSING OPTION 1.
I watch everything roll back a second and then flash-forward in my mind, filling in the blanks.
{
“‘Ight.” Vorben smirks at me. “See ‘dat dere pylon.” He points to one of the rock formations in the distance. “Get dere’, tag ‘et, get back in one piece.”
“How far is that?” Gotta figure out how fast I am.
Jobi pipes up, “It’s roughly [5 miles] from here.”
What the fuck? Did her voice just distort? That felt like a lance through my brain. “How far?” I ask again, my face a twist of pain and confusion.
“[5 miles].” She responds flatly.
}
Shaking my head with a chuckle I realize I can suddenly calculate the distance, and given how fast I think I am, I should be able to get there and back in about half an hour.
“I’m going to go all-out. I want to know just how fast I am.” I’m bouncing and twisting in excitement.
Vorben reaches into the red sack and pulls out two silver disks. On them was a broach of some kind.
“Git o’er ‘ere.” He beckons me.
Pulling off the broach I realize its a pin (wait, I’m stupid, a broach is a type of pin), which he then fastens one on each collar. Tossing the other silver disk to Jobi he smacked me on the back, “Git goin now. We’s be watchin ya from ere.”
“Right, wait, one minute.” I hop sideways and drop on my butt. How could I have almost forgotten my precious basket of food. While I was planning on savoring this I really wanna get moving, so I start shoveling meat and bread as fast as I can. Oh heavens, this water is the most refreshing thing I’ve ever drank. This bread is the most deliciously wonderful thing I’ve ever eaten. The meat is the most succulent and tender jerky I’ve ever had. I continue making little moans of pleasure and I power binge this basket of food.
~Ahhhhh~ Having eaten my fill, which just happened to be the entire basket, I stretch - reinvigorated for the challenge ahead.
As I stand up and turn around I notice that both Jobi and Vorben have bemused smirks tinged with a contradiction of impatience and ‘aww’. Good thing I don’t know how to be embarrassed yet.