You can’t dodge a bullet. Well, I can’t anyway, and I’ve been called the fastest man alive. No, no, not like the flash or Usain Bolt. More like Bruce Lee on fast forward. I never thought I’d be assassinated. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of assassination attempts - sore losers, degenerate gamblers, angry mafia/triads/yakuza - but never by sniper rifle. Car bomb, check. Knifing, check. Gang of goons with weapons, check. Poison in food, check. Hot as all hell women from all walks of life dressed up in the sexiest outfits imaginable, sometimes two at a time, like this one time in Hong Kong when I… nevermind, tangent. Typically, they don’t really want me dead though. Weakened, lesson taught to, prize money back, threats, that’s all normal. But sniping me? This is new. Oh, the pavement. Welp, shit.
*Bzzkasht* ~FLASH~ *Kha ka, zzzzzz, OOOMMMMM, skreet*
“For the love of all the unholy… I just fucking died and now I have to hear this?” I shriek into the void. “It’s like someone tied my brain and balls to a bolt of lightning that keeps striking.”
“EURIKA! It worked. It worked. They’re never gonna believe that it worked.” Uggh, my whole existence hurts. I’m gonna kick the owner of this overly posh high pitched smokers voice right in the face if they don’t calm the hell down. “Vorben, Vorben, get the gizmomoter!”
Uh, the what? Ok, this just went from annoying to funny. Now if only this damned splitting pain would fade.
I can vaguely make out rummaging around somewhere. “ ‘Ere ya goes. Thinkin’ it’s be smart?” Did that just come with a posh accent? How does one even pronounce that with a posh accent? If that’s Vorben, I may have to make a new drinking buddy.
“Only time will tell, but it is moving. To think, our first attempt to create an artificial soul would be a success!” Oh boy, are they going to be disappointed.
*Whiizzzrrrrr* Is that a power drill? *Zap* Oh god, the ball-brain-electrocution thing is happening again. “Fuck OFF!” I roar.
“Oy… it twitch. It be twitchin. Ledder be and Scan it.” Vorben? If so, you’re now my hero.
A pressure sweeps through my body growing slightly and then seems to pop out stopping just in front of me.
[SPELL DETECTED - ATTEMPTING DUPLICATION
…
1% … 2% … 40% … 79% … 100%
SPELL SUCCESSFULLY DUPLICATED: SCAN
CHANCE OF SUCCESS < 1%]
What? Did I just learn a spell? Wait, I had a less than 1% chance of learning this? Hold on a second, what the hell is going on here? And why can I still not see anything? Okay, deep breath… nope, breathing isn’t a thing either. Well this is interesting. Maybe I really am dead?
Suddenly, squealing and shouting and laughter assault me. “Jobi! See dat! Lookie! It ain’t a chimera, nor homunculus, nay even a slime. Whaddya recon a ‘Transient Sapient’ is?” I’m never gonna get over Vorben’s accents and mannerisms. I know this is a serious situation, but listening to a high-class aristocratic voice speak like a hillbilly is too much.
The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
“Fascinating! I haven’t the faintest of ideas but it has stats! It’s not just alive. It can learn and grow. But look! It’s knowledge and wisdom are both 20! 20! It knows things. Do you think it can understand us? Hello, I’m Jobi and this is Vorben.”
Wait stats? Is 20 good or bad? Are we talking 20 in a narrative RPG or 20 in an MMORPG?
“Well hello back. Can someone tell me where the fuck I am?” I reply. Well, I try to reply but I now think I don’t have a mouth.
Hold on, pause. Wait. Time out. They Scanned me and saw my stats, can I do the same? How do I do this? Lets see, maybe if I try yelling Scan at myself… nope. Ummm… status? Character sheet? Info! Help! Technical Support! FUCK! Okay, okay, okay, maybe it’s not a command. That feeling, can I replicate that?
I visualize the pressure growing from my center, reaching the edge of my... body?, and coming back with information about myself. Nothing, but I feel like I’m getting closer. I try again, and after a few more tries I suddenly get a flash of information.
----------------------------------------
[TRANSIENT SAPIENT]
Unique - Unknown
Name: [_____]
Age: 0
Physical Characteristics: None
Mental Characteristics: None
Knowledge: 20 Wisdom: 20
Spiritual Characteristics: Unknown
Social Characteristics: None
Special Characteristics: ERROR
Skills Known:
Translation [Auto] - Passive
Spells Known:
Scan - Active
----------------------------------------
Well, that’s something. Huh, guess I don’t have a name anymore. Translation [Auto] must be why I can understand them. Does Vorben just speak in a different dialect and this is how I hear it? Fun. Wish I knew what this all meant.
“Jobi, me thinks it be transient and need a body. How’z a bout’s tryin’ out dat fleshy golem I been workin’ on?” The smirk in Vorben’s voice could make a lizard shiver.
“Your most recent monstrosities of magical engineering have yet to do anything but malfunction and explode. Furthermore, they have yet to actually function under any form of power source. Now you’re asking to take an inherently unstable experiment and place the greatest marvel of magical discovery in generations into it to see what happens?” Oh the sarcasm.
“Yep.” Came the short and cheery reply. I can only imagine the tongue lashing that’s about to ensue.
“That sounds like a terrible idea! Let’s do it and see what happens!” Jobi cackled in delight. Oh man I love it here already.
Pitter patter of feet, a sudden slam of a body running into a table, banging of a door being thrown open, silence with soft whistling of someone waiting, crashing of a cart heavy with something being dragged through a room.
“Ow ya wanna do dis?” Vorben gasped over the screeching of wood on metal.
“Perhaps there’s some kind of special formula, but since the apparatus is currently maintaining the integrity of the artificial soul, I vote we propel the golem through the stasis field and record the results.” Jobi’s excitement made me shiver. I mean, this could kill me, again. Did I say I love it here yet?
“Gravity, wind, or wood?” I assume Jobi’s talking to herself until Vorben replies, “Wood, def wood. Check out dis here new spring loaded unloader.” With a smack sound I hear the breaking of wood.
I feel something around me ripple right before the world itself smashes into me and tries to rip me out of existence. I thought having my brain and balls pulled together and electrocuted hurt, but this is my very soul being ripped apart.
As I scream and feel myself just about to collapse everything just, stops. I don’t know how but I can feel time itself stop.
[ANOMALY DETECTED - EXISTENCE CONTRARY TO ESTABLISHED PARAMETERS - BODY REQUIRED - LIVING BODY DETECTED - SCANNING BODY FOR CONSCIOUSNESS - NO CONSCIOUSNESS DETECTED - ENTERING BODY - PROCESSING … 1% … 2% … 10% … 5% … 3% … ATTEMPT FAILED - ERROR - NEURAL STRUCTURE INADEQUATE - BODY INCOMPATIBLE WITH HOST CONSCIOUSNESS - ABSORB BODY ( Y / N ) - HOST UNABLE TO SELECT OPTION - DEFAULT OPTION SELECTED - DESTROYING AND ABSORBING BODY - PROCESSING 1% … 23% … 85% … 102% … 178% … 230% … 290% … 300% - BODY ABSORBED - ERROR - OBJECT(S) NOT DESIGNATED BODY ABSORBED - ATTEMPTING TO RECONSTITUTE BODY - SUCCESS - MERGING CONSCIOUSNESS WITH BODY - SUCCESS - ‘Hello World.exe’ executed successfully - PROGRAM COMPLETE - SELF DELETION STARTED]
*WHAM* I slam into the floor and slide into a smooth wall. Dizzily I look up around me and see two curious faces peering down at me.
“Hello world?” I utter blankly.