107TH GEAR - THE PERFECT DATE IS WHEN YOU FART TOGETHER
I was surprised too when Flu challenged me out of nowhere. But I guess I have to find out about it another day. For now, I will have to treat my awesome cute girlfriend to a celebration date, right after the National Speedmage Tournament.
This is one fine Sunday morning. The cold ocean breeze with a hint of snow blew on my face. The Eastern Beachfront has no tourists as it is still winter. Heck, it is Christmas time, and I scheduled this very day for an awesome date.
“Good morning, Jonathan~” Flu greeted me with a smile.
My adorable girlfriend is wearing a pinkish-red sweatshirt and gray skirt. A checkered blue scarf is wrapped around her neck. Her red Speedmage Shoes are also part of her fashion. It’s Flu we are talking about, so Speed Battles will always be the motif whenever I date this love of mine.
“Good morning, Speedmage Champion~” I teased.
Flu blushed as she laughed and scratched her head.
“Tahahaha! Please stop calling me that, it’s embarrassing!” Flu said.
“It’s true though. You are the Speedmage Champion, so I will call you that for this whole date.” I teasingly smiled.
“Jeez!” Flu pouted. “Just Flu is enough!”
“Hahaha.” I chuckled.
“Tahaha.” Flu laughed back.
We started to walk for a few minutes until we can no longer see the white sands of the beach. We reached the old residential district where there are houses and trees everywhere. Flu then walked in front of me, smiled, and offered her hand.
“Shall we?”
Without hesitation, I took her hand.
“Fluonessia Asahime… Taking off!” Flu cried as she activated her Stardust Accel to blaze through the routes we have never taken before.
It feels surreal that the clumsy no-good girl like Flu who used to crash with her experimental speed spell is now so proficient in her Stardust Accel in just a matter of almost one year. It makes me happy to see her growth as a coach and lover.
Or so I thought.
Soon, we ventured through icy trails. Flu stepped on solid flat ice, and she failed to anticipate what happened next! So we slid forward uncontrollably until we crashed on a pine tree covered in snow!
Boom!
“Owieeee.” Flu cried as she rubbed her aching forehead that took the impact of the crash. Then she looked at me, whose head is currently buried in the soft snow! “Ah! Jonathan! I’m so sorry!”
“Gah!” I immediately raised my head out of the white shaved ice, gasping for breath. I almost suffocated out there!
“Tahaha! It looks like being a Speedmage Champion still makes me a failure after all! I’m sorry!” Flu gave a fake laugh as she apologetically scratched her head.
I just smiled as a reply because she took the words right out of my mouth.
My gaze suddenly turned to the north, where a trail leading uphill could be found. It has an arc that indicates the name “Cathedral Exa” in it. I guess we are on the right track.
“Oh, here it is!” Flu said jollily. “It seems that the Magical GPS is saying the right address after all!”
“So we’re going uphill after all,” I said with a dry smile on my face. “Let’s take a walk from here. No speed spells. I can’t have you slipping again in icy terrain.”
“Aaaaw.” Flu wept.
To raise my girlfriend’s mood, I held her hand and softly dragged her to the right uphill path. Flu’s mood immediately went from gloomy to happy just as fast as oil changes its prices. We started walking cheerfully, humming with familiar anime opening music.
After ten minutes of walking, we were finally at the Cathedral. It was a large old church mainly covered with snow. At the front of it was a wide garden full of Winterbloom Flowers, which looked like a crossbreed of white lillie flowers and Spellbloom Flowers.
At the center of the garden is a statue of a dragon and a knight. There was supposed to be a pair of fountains beside the statue, but since it's winter, the water is frozen solid.
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The Cathedral and the garden looked abandoned, and there is a total eerie vibe in this place. However, there is this unknown charm that makes me appreciate this theme.
“Wooooah! It’s beautiful!” Flu clasped her hand and prayed as her blue eyes sparkled.
“Good morning, young couple. Are you here to pay respects?”
A deep voice startled both of us. We saw an old tall priest with a pure black robe and spiky gray hair when we looked to our right. His eyes are red, but his scleras are black. At first look, the priest looked terrifying. But there is no hint of malignancy in his aura. He got a creepy-ass smile though.
“A-Ah! No! We are just here to look at the place!” Flu immediately reasoned in a panic.
“Oh, okay. You two enjoy yourselves then. You can enter the Cathedral and take pictures if you want.” The priest smiled. “I’ll be leaving you two.”
“O-Okay,” I said.
The tall priest started to walk away, hunchbacked, with his hand tucked on his jacket. Flu and I looked at each other, silently questioning what should we react. But then…
“Rejoice, young lad. Your wish will, at last, come true.” The priest whispered before vanishing completely. He seemed to be talking to me, but I have no idea what the topic is.
Flu started to cling to me, and her hand is shaking. That priest certainly gives us the creeps, and we want to get out of here immediately.
“U-Um, Jonathan? I-I think I’m not in the mood for a religious date…”
“Me too. Let’s go to the nearby coffee shop.” I said.
“R-Right!”
Just before we could turn around, a wild canine barked at us.
“Woof!”
A pure white giant dog was looking at us, wagging its tail. It is currently chained near the dog house, maybe as a guard. It has the size of a polar bear and has three heads, so I think it’s more of a Cerberus than a dog.
“Wooooow! A Winter Cerberus! It’s so cuuuuute!” Flu squealed.
“What about fleeing this place?” I asked. But Flu just ignored me.
“Hey, hey, Jonathan! Can I approach and pet it!?” Flu excitedly pumped her fists.
“Flu, that thing is not a dog! You know it’s a monster!” I cried.
“But! But! It looks tamed! I love Winter Cerberus! They are so white and fluffy!” Flu energetically said.
“No! What if it eats you!?” I cried.
“I’m gonna pet it!” Flu started to march onwards but then I grabbed her by the nape of her neck and put her in front of me.
“Flu! Stay!” I commanded.
“Okay!” Flu said happily.
“Sit!”
“Okay!” Flu sat on the snowy floor.
“Paw!”
“Here!” Flu lent out her hand at me. It took three whole seconds before Flu woke up to the reality she was on. “Wait, why are you treating me like a dog!?”
“Now, now, be a good girl and behave!” I said.
“Fine…” Flu wept dejectedly, tears coming out from her eyes.
Now I feel like an owner scolding a big friendly cute dog.
<>
In the end, a nun appeared to our aid and had Flu pet the gigantic monster hound. It was pretty tamed as Flu thought the first time. I also had a few strokes of its snow-white fur too, and it’s no different from the fur of a normal dog.
We also had a tour inside the church. We took pictures and prayed since it was Christmas and all. Princess Guinevere Arcaliburn, the one who introduced me to this place, was also there, and we had all sorts of useless talks about saving the planet, fighting with dragonlords, waging war against the current Emperor of a faraway demon empire, and challenging an Elder God.
I’m not interested in those things so all those information went over my head.
The moment we left the Cathedral Exa, it was already lunchtime. So we searched for a good place to set up for a picnic. Luckily, we saw another uphill slope with direct sunlight and thawed-out green grasses. I set up the picnic mat and Flu revealed our lunch boxes that she has kept from the hammerspace.
Side Note: Hammerspace is a void magic where mages usually keep their things in a different dimension for convenience purposes.
“Tadaaaa! I did my best to cook these! It turned out pretty delicious, so dig in!” Flu presented me with a buffet of lasagna, bacon, chicken curry, chop suey, croquettes, and pork cutlets.
She even grabbed a whole tea set with chamomile tea from Hammerspace and put it at the center of the picnic blanket.
“Wooooow!” I cried as I wiped my drooling mouth. “Thank you for the meal!”
I started with the lasagna. Then the bacon. Then chop suey and pork cutlets. It was perfect, everything from the texture, the taste, and the balance. It makes me feel bad for doubting Flu’s ability in cooking in the past. I’m crying right now!
“Captain Tezza and Captain Haruka taught me how to cook chicken curry back in the first training camp!” Flu said. “And for those croquettes, Prez helped me do it!”
“Wait, weren't people got poisoned back in the first Joint Training Camp? If I remember correctly, it was the croquettes.” I said with a fearful smile. “Are you sure that having that Useless Prez as your mentor in cooking is a good idea?”
“It’s fine! Look, I will eat it first!” Flu pumped her fists.
“W-Wait, Flu!” I cried.
Alas, I could not stop her. She snapped the croquettes into two and immediately threw half of it into her mouth. She chewed three times and then swallowed it.
“See? I’m completely fine!” Flu said happily.
“O-Okay,” I said.
“Here!” Flu reached out half the croquette to my lips. “Say aaaaaah!”
“Aaaaaah! Mmmph.” I crunched on the croquette. There was nothing extraordinary at all in the taste and texture. It was delicious! The crispness of the outside and the softness of the mashed potato inside are awesome!
“Delicious, right?” Flu beamed adorably.
“R-Right,” I said.
As I chew on the croquette in my mouth, the thought of the Flu challenging me yesterday entered my mind. Since we are all alone now, it might be best to bring out the topic and ask what she meant about the challenge.
“Hey, Flu.”
“What is it, Jonathan?” Flu dumbly smiled.
“Why are you challenging me to a Speed Battle?”
“Oh, that’s because-”
Faaaaaaart!
Somebody just broke the wind. And since Flu and I are alone here, one of us is the suspect.
“It’s not me!” Flu cried.
“Don’t worry, it’s me,” I said calmly. “Say, Flu… Can you deliver me to a hospital real quick?”
“W-Was it because of my cooking?” Flu cried. “I’m so sorry!”
“No, it’s because of the croquettes. I told you, that President is Useless.” I said with a dying smile. “Now run, Flu. Run.”
But just before I expire, I heard another sound.
Faaaaaaaart!
There was a second breaking wind. But this time, it wasn’t me.
“It’s me!” Flu raised her hand jollily. I’ve never seen anybody so happy and proud to admit that she farted.
…
And so, our celebration date turned out to be a one-way trip to the hospital.