"You..." Cinder shook me by the collar, screeching like a banshee. "You absolute PSYCHO! What is wrong with you?!"

I grinned back at her.

"You're going to get everyone killed!" She snarled, claws digging into my hardening hexasuit collar. "The mites will spread everywhere! Into people's homes! Their food! Their water!"

"Exactly," I grinned. "And who controls the cold tunnel?"

"What tunnel?!" She growled. "The effing tunnel that leads to the effing dungeon filled with even more effing mites? How the fuck is that even going to...?!"

"I've already sealed off the end of the tunnel with Lance's bricking wand," I said." The cold tunnel doesn't lead into the dungeon anymore. It's just a very long loop now that leads back to our Guild. In the health industry we call it a cold... 'decontamination treatment chamber'," I explained. "People will pay good money to get decontaminated. We'll charge them per cleansing. The cold tunnel is already pretty damn long, we can use the bricking wand to expand it sideways into side caverns, add more cold rooms to decontaminate food and water for everyone in Undertown."

"You're... you're going to charge people to use the cold tunnel?!" Cinder howled.

"Of course," I nodded. "Basic economics. Create a problem, sell the solution. Everyone wins. Especially our Guild.”

Vespera's beak snapped shut. A wide grin spread across her face.

"Everyone wins?!" Cinder sputtered. "You're literally unleashing a plague!"

"A very mild plague," I corrected. "That can be easily treated with a bit of cold tunnel."

"But..." Cinder's feathers flashed through shocked orange-violets and angry reds. "People will suffer! Their homes will..."

"People are already suffering," I said. "Open your eyes, Ci! Half of Undertown is addicted to Topaz. The other half is in debt to the High Lords above. Everyone is either living in half-collapsing decrepit stone buildings carved thousands of years ago or in shacks made from magical garbage that the mages above throw down here. This place is basically a giant magical garbage pile. It needs a hard reset."

"By infecting everyone with parasites?!"

"By giving them a common enemy," I corrected. "Something to unite against. Something that will force change in less than a week. Haven't you seen Watchmen?"

"Abyss!" Vespera started to laugh. "He's... he's pulling an Ozymandias! Oh my Slayer!"

"A what?" Cinder blinked.

"A dire, external threat to unite people," Vespera explained between giggles. "Like in that old comic–Ozymandias unleashed a fake alien invasion to unite Omnithornia and Thunderland against a common enemy. Except our human is using dungeon-bred parasites! This is great!"

"It's not great!" Cinder protested. "How are you on his side in this?! It's insane!"

"Actually," Io commented thoughtfully, "It's pretty clever. The mites will force everyone to work together, to find solutions."

"And who controls the biggest solution?" Vee clicked.

"We do!" I declared. "Come on. Everyone armed up and ready?"

Our Guilders nodded.

"To the roof then," I said. "Time to parlay with our enemies!"

----------------------------------------

. . .

We emerged onto the roof.

The view of Undertown stretched out before us, twinkling with countless Kitlix lanterns below the green-blue star-moss spotted ceiling. Vespera and I handed the mite-filled bags to the guilders.

"On my order of thumbs up," I instructed the mooks. "Turn the bags over and press this hexagram here to empty them. Make it rain mites. Got it? Good."

"This is so wrong," Cinder protested weakly. "We can't..."

"The dungeon is already spreading," I said.

I had no idea whether the right tunnels even opened up from the beast core explosions, no idea if Yulia's calculations were correct. What mattered now was that my team simply had to believe that dumping the bags was the only way forward, that releasing the mites in our possession wouldn't change much.

"This will only add a bit more mites to the overall picture," I said. "In a particular direction."

"Why?!" Cinder demanded.

"Because," I pointed at the street below. "Here they come!"

Below the citadel tower, armed, large figures converged on our tower from multiple directions. Bright Kitlix lanterns bounced on their belts casting no shadows and lighting the way. Doors and windows snapped shut as Undertown denizens hid from the enforcers, not knowing whom they were going to arrest today.

"Those are the people coming to execute us," I explained. "They won't be expecting a twist of this magnitude. They probably think that we're killing our brain cells in a room like dumb-ass teenagers, getting drunk."

I gave Vee a poignant look.

"Oi!" She protested. "I'm not THAT predictable!"

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

"You literally begged Io for booze like thirty minutes ago," I pointed out.

"Hmpf," Vespera crossed her arms.

A burly, armored man banged on the shut, magisteel-reinforced door of our Guild which now led into a thick stone wall thanks to the bricking wand.

"Attention Gloomy Horse Adventurers Guild!" The armored man's voice boomed through some kind of amplification magic. "I am the Shandrian Arch-Guild Enforcer Legarth Wixoff! We know you're harboring Earth-delvers! Open up and surrender them to us, or we will be forced to take... extreme measures!"

"Sup Legarth?" I yelled down, placing a heavy as hell wardstone shield in front of myself to avoid potential arrows, amplifying my voice with Lance's magitek megaphone. "You looking for some... Love?"

"You dare mock me, Earth-lander?" Legarth's magically amplified voice nearly deafened me. "Do you have any idea who you're dealing with, boy?"

"A soon-to-be very itchy man?" I called back. "I'm curious, who wants us to surrender and what laws did we break?"

"Delver Team... Erm... 'I Love you'! The Arx Bank has issued an order for your immediate arrest signed by the High Justice Luborkand of Shandria!" Legarth declared. "You and your companions are hereby charged with interfering with official Arx Bank business. Your delving team is to be arrested and forcibly deported from Shandria."

"Deported? Why?" I asked. "What'd we do? I'm not hearing specific crimes."

"The specific crime, in question," Legarth barked up, "is a disruption of sanctioned trade routes for three years time. Where is the owner of this establishment? Why is the front door barred?"

"I dunno," I shrugged. "She's chilling uptown in some Inn, I think."

"She?" Legarth sputtered. "I'm talking about Guild Master Motrdem! Where is he?"

"Oh, he sold the place," I called down. "He's uptown now too, spending his well-earned money on booze or whatever."

"Sold it? To whom?!" The muscular man asked.

"To interdimensional delver Emerald Stratos. You know her? Ruby-can't Lindworm? Really angry all the time? Has a thing for collecting overpriced stuff and setting people on fire?"

"What nonsense do you speak of?!" Legarth growled. "Motrdem would never sell his ancestral Guild to a delver!"

"I dunno. I think Emmy gave Mort something like ten million gold for the place," I shrugged. "Look, my dude, my delving team is just renting a room here for three silver a night. You need to chill. Do you or your men happen to have cold runes on your armor?"

"What?" The muscular man sputtered. "Cold runes? Why would we... What does that have to do with anything?!"

"If you don't have cold runes," I yelled down. "Then, I REALLY suggest you avoid hitting the front door! Some very, VERY bad things are going to happen if you keep at it! I'm being friendly and warning you because I'm a polite and friendly adventurer! Like come on, didn't you just say my team's name? We're basically all about... Peace n' Love!"

"Your attempts at distraction will not work!" Legarth stated. "You have one minute to surrender before we breach this establishment!"

More armored men and mages gathered behind him, ready to strike at the tower's ward.

"That's a terrible idea!" I yelled down. "Please, don't shake this tower!"

"I'll do whatever it takes to get you criminals arrested and deported from Shandria!" Legarth barked. "Come down or else!"

He kicked the door with his massive, magisteel-clad boot, making the entire tower vibrate.

"Oh no!" I cried dramatically. "You really shouldn't have done that! The bags Emerald set up are getting loose!"

I gave a thumbs up to the mooks behind me.

They upended the bags.

Glowing mites exploded from upturned dimensional bags and rained down from the tower like luminescent snow, drifting down onto the assembled enforcers below.

"What... what is this?!" Legarth blinked.

"Emerald Stratos tied a bunch of dimensional bags around the top of this tower as a prank," I yelled through the megaphone. "I think you guys call this stuff... Duskbloom! Is this stuff super itchy or something? That's what she said!"

Vespera started chortle-giggling behind me.

The faces of the men below us went from confusion to shock and then pure horror as they recognized the telltale azure glow of the parasitic mites.

"DUSKBLOOM!" Someone screamed as a patch of mites landed on his shoulder. "IT'S DUSKBLOOM! It's eating my mana!!!"

"No! I still owe nine thousand silver for this armor! I can't have it ruined!"

"My sword! It's on my magic sword!"

Panic erupted instantly. A few of the assembled enforcers fled, running from the falling swarm of parasites. Some tried to shield themselves with magic, but the mites simply drifted through their barriers, settling on armor and skin.

More enforcers yelled and began retreating. Then the dam broke.

Legarth spun in one spot, watching as all of his men fled. The mites drifted all around, settling on invisible figures who began flailing and trying to scrape or magically remove the tiny mites off with no success whatsoever. A few invisible figures completely coated in mites jumped off the sides of our tower, freaking out and rolling around as if they were on fire.

"Are those invisible men or are you just happy to see us?" I yelled down. "Better start running to the nearest fridge! That stuff gets everywhere like sand and eats right through all magic barriers. The more magical you are, the more annoying it is, I hear!"

The assassins covered in Duskbloom gave up on killing us. Flickering in and out of visibility, they took off into the darkness, not wishing their faces seen.

"You... you MADMAN!" Legarth roared up at me, watching as glowing, living snow drifted across the streets all around him like he was in a Winter See-Mass Cola commercial. "Do you have any idea what you fools have done?! These filthy parasites will spread across all of Undertown!"

"Me? I'm just the Quartermaster of 'I Love You'," I shrugged. "I didn't do anything. I'm just chilling in the rooftop hot tub with my best friends! Blame the prankster dragoness for this mess. Did you hear those booms earlier? Emerald told me that she hired a bunch of other idiot adventurers for one hundred thousand silver each to detonate some tunnels. Can you guess where the tunnels lead?"

"You're bluffing!" Legarth shouted, still frantically brushing at the glowing mites settling on his armor. "No one would be insane enough to..."

"Consider this, Legarth," I declared. "Emerald is a delver from another world. She doesn't give two shits about Undertown or Shandria. She doesn't care about you or the people here. I think that some Undertown citizen stepped on her toe yesterday! When she saw Abystall dungeon, she had a really stupid idea for a prank. I tried to convince her not to do it, but I'm just a lowly human and Quartermaster of another competing delving team. I have no power over her. I warned you not to kick this tower, did I not? You have only yourself to blame for this!"

"You... you're lying!" Legarth shouted, but there was uncertainty in his voice now. "No delver would..."

"Really?" I called back. "You sure about that? Have you met many interdimensional delvers? Especially ones with more money than common sense and a tendency to set things on fire when annoyed? Some old man from Undertown insulted her. Emerald took it personally. This is her revenge. Sorry, my dude. I'm going back to my rooftop hot tub. I suggest you go home and wash up and throw that armor into a fridge or something before you get too itchy!"

More Duskboom-related screams erupted from nearby streets as the mites continued to drift through the air, carried by air currents from the newly opened fissures.

A lamenting siren made up from ringing doomsday bells resounded across Undertown, mage towers lighting up. The locals were terrified of Duskbloom, and knew exactly what it could do if given time to grow.

The living catastrophe was spreading across Undertown drawn to magic all around.

Drawn to ungodly amounts of Topaz in cigar buds and in empty, broken bottles. Drawn to Topaz storage warehouses and Topaz dens. Drawn to thousands upon thousands of years of layered magical garbage piles. Drawn to Topaz in people's bodies inside shimmering-blue lesions and swollen glands.

Primed to devour it all and to multiply endlessly.