The skyrate poured Biscuit Pisser and Broderica their whiskey drinks of their own free will and set the ruby encrusted triple gallon jug of drinking competition whiskey beside them.
“Now cap’n, when aye say ‘Avast!’, ye will both begin to chug yer whiskey. We ye have finished, if ye can, ye may raise a palm and aye will refill yer whiskey. Our ref beaaargside me hearrr will be counting yer drinks of their own free will. Any questions?”
Broderica raised a hand, “When will you shut up and let us drink?”
“Right now. AVAST!”
GLUG
Biscuit Pisser and Broderica both flung back their whiskey glasses, downing the drink in mere moments. Their hands shot up, and the skyrate refilled.
GLUG
Biscuit Pisser looked like a flushed sardine. Broderica looked chesty. Their hands shot up.
GLUG
Biscuit Pisser looked like a boiling lobster. Broderica looked bored. Their hands shot up.
GLUG
Biscuit Pisser raised her foot instead of her hand this time. Broderica sighed.
GLUG
Biscuit Pisser looked ready to cry. Broderica was filing her nails
GLUG
Biscuit Pisser could barely hold her head up.
“Biscuit Pisser,” Broderica yawned, “We don’t have to keep doing this. It’s okay to give up.”
“Iiiii am finnne, thhhank youuu, Shhhhhitface!”
“We ought to call you Shitface at this point.”
“Cllluck offf!! Moore liquorr!”
GLUG
“Biscuit Pisser I won’t judge you if you stop. If anything this reflects more on me and my life choices than on you if we’re being honest here.”
“Moooooore!”
GLUG
“Look Biscuit Pisser if I give up will you please just stop drinking? I’m getting worried about you. Seriously.”
GLUG
“Please just let me give up Biscuit Pisser we can say you win and everything I just don’t—”
KKKSKSKKKHJKKKKSKKKKHKKHKKSHKKHKKHKHKK
The ship rumbled as if there were a skyquake and everyone was jostled around till the floor was angled diagonally, sending everyone and everything in the cafeteria tumbling towards the left wall with groans and cries. Broderica grabbed the triple jug of ceremonial whiskey just in time and suckled it.
“Whaat in the flyingg cluuck was thaat?!” Biscuit Pisser shrieked as she crumpled over a snapped in half table. Then, she keeled and vomited profusely.
“Maybe—” Broderica glugged whiskey, “—we—” glug, “—crashed—” glug, “—into—” glug—
“Womannn!” Biscuit Pisser squealed. “Caan you stoop driinking long enough to fiinish a coockhamned sentennce?!”
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“N—” glug, “—o!”
“Givee me thaat shit!” Biscuit Pisser spat, snatching for the whiskey and instead falling face first into the crooked floor.
“N—” glug, “—e—” glug, “—v—” glug, “—e—” glug, “—r!”
“I cluucking haate yoou!”
“Cap’n! Cap’n! Avast, cap’n!” cried a skyrate as they stumbled into the cafeteria. “Cap’n, it arrgpears we have craaarrgshed into another ship!”
“Eeexcrete me?!” Biscuit Pisser pulled herself to her wobbling feet. “Hoow in the featheryy cluuck could thaat have haaappened?!”
“Well, cap’n, there was that ship ye were having us veer towards dramarrgtically…”
“Liees! Aall lies! I will seee to this! Help mee out oof this aaccursed roomm, slav—mehardiess!”
“Right away, cap’n!”
Five skyrates jumped to attention and carried Biscuit Pisser in a sitting position through the cafeteria and out onto the deck.
They saw the large hull of a spooky, skybarnacle encrusted skyship perpendicularly smashed into the side of their ship, flakes of wood floating through the pielight air as if they were weightless because they were weightless due to a weightlessness spell that all skyship wood was coated with before being christened.
Biscuit Pisser’s discombobulated eyes slurred around the scene, eventually weakly centering themselves and smoldering on the steering wheel. She could see Krumbumbum’s wrinkly womanly limbs wrapped around it like she was made of spaghetti.
“Krumbumbumm! Whaat the cluck is wrongg with youu you braindead mothercluckerrr?! Whaaat the cluck have yoou done?!” then she barfed a little bit more. “You’ve cluucking ruinedd my ship you cluuckup! I told you to clucking ssteer this shhip and thiss is the cluucking job you dooo?! I ought to haave you diseeembowled you spinelesss boneless braainless viitch!”
“Wh-what else could I have done?! You wanted me to swerve right next to it!”
“Juust to intimidate themm you eviscerated ballsack! Not to crash into the shiip and cluck eeveryone over you clucking scallop!”
Krumbumbum untangled herself from the steering wheel and flopped on the deck like an emotionally damaged fish. “Take that back, Biscuit Pisser. I am not a scallop. That’s too far.”
“Too far? Too far?! That’s what was too far?! Not crashing into another ship that wasn’t too far but I call you a scallop and that, that is what’s too far?! Do you have any brain cells left in your soupy head?!”
“Stop being so mean to me Biscuit Pisser,” Krumbumbum looked ready to cry.
“Oh get bent you clucking punt.”
The commotion among both of the crashed ships, which had been very loud, silenced to a hush. Several fires that had broken out on both ships stopped in their tracks. The word ‘punt’ echoed endlessly across the air.
“That’s a bad word, cap’n.”
They stood there in awkward silence. It was almost like being back in the Windless Forest back before it burned down.
“Holy cluck,” Broderica gaped as she swaggered out of the cafeteria, sipping the last drop of ceremonial whiskey. “Did we crash into actual skyrates?”
“Avast! We be actual skyrates too, ye know!” piped up a grimy skyrate standing next to her.
Broderica shrugged and smashed the empty whiskey jug over the skyrate’s head, wielding the broken off end as a weapon. Then, she bellowed loud enough for all of Caldonia to hear. “ALRIGHT YOU DIRTY CLUCKS! LISTEN THE CLUCK UP! HAND OVER MY ASS AND NOBODY GETS HURT!”
Several skyrates rushed over to Broderica and fought to cup their hands over her ass. She screeched and clawed at their eyes and scrotums, sending them reeling back in pain. “I WASN’T TALKING TO YOU YOU IDIOTS! I WAS TALKING TO THEM ON THE OTHER SHIP! THEY STOLE MY ASS! I WANT MY ASS BACK COCK HAMN IT!!”
“Uh, but misirrah,” one of the crying skyrates posited, “your ass is right there my hand just—”
“NOT THAT KIND OF ASS! I’M TALKING ABOUT MY NOBLE STEED YOU CLUCKING MORON!”
Several skyrates muttered to themselves, wondering how a donkey could be considered a noble steed.
“SHUT THE CLUCK UP I HAVE NO NEED FOR YOUR CLUCKING SNOBBERY! YOU’RE ALL JAUNDICED ANYWHATHOW YOU DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO FEEL SUPERIOR ABOUT!”
Broderica’s eyes, red with dryness and rage, darted to the deck of the other skyrate ship.
“DO YOU CLUCKERS HEAR ME OVER THERE?! I WANT MY ASS! GIVE ME ASS!”
Suddenly, Broderica recognized someone on the other ship. An average sized woman clad in the brilliant armor of the Royal Gourd. She was holding a notepad.
“HOLY CLUCKING HEN!!” Broderica nearly fell over herself. “HOLY CLUCKING HEN!! I KNEW IT!! I CLUCKING KNEW IT!! I’LL CLUCKING KILL YOU YOU TRAITEROUS LITTLE VITCH! I’LL CLUCKING KILL YOU!”
Broderica charged forward, tripping over dead and maimed skyrates and clawing her way through the wreckage towards the hull of the other ship like a rabid mongoose.
The woman did not even seem to react to any of Broderica’s screeches, though Broderica did seem to noticed her glance in her direction and then quickly begin scrawling something in her notepad.
“Okaay what the hen’s going onnn?” Biscuit Pisser slurred to Krumbumbum.
Krumbumbum scratched her forehead and then whipped her hair around seductively. “I think that lady Broderica’s screaming at is the one that tried to kill her and accused her of being a skyrate.”
“Oooohhhhh,” Biscuit Pisser staggered, resting a shaking palm on the bald head of a nearby skyrate. “Thaat makees seenssse.”