“Your godfight sucks. The gods look myopic, teeming with leprosy, and liable to keel over dead at any moment, not unlike yourself. Nobody gives a flying cluck about it, because it sucks so much, so they instead watched this frail woman punch an elf and crowded around like they were gladiators. At a godfight! Do you see the issue here, sirrah, or are you just too dumb?”

“Well then,” Jeffrey with a G shook his head, “I never realized you were such a feisty little jellyfish. Guess I should’ve guessed by how harshly you reek of liquor. I bet you’re totally shitfaced.”

“Shitfaced? No, unfortunately I’m not lucky enough to be as shitfaced as your name is stupid.” Broderica retorted. Lady Krumbumbum jumped shook her head at Broderica nervously.

“Excrete me?”

“You clucking heard me, Jeffrey with a G, you stupid named stupid looking stupid sounding stupidhead! What in the cluck kind of a name is Jeffrey with a G? I mean come on, we’re all thinking it. I’m thinking it, you’re thinking it, Lady Krumbumbum is definitely thinking it, the whole crowd out there is thinking it, hen even your stoic moleman friend over there is thinking it all the time I’m sure. I’m sure he wakes up, climbs out of his mole hole or whatever the cluck it is and asks himself, or hen maybe he asks the chickens or geese or turkeys or some shit like maybe he’s religious, but he asks somebody or something why in the hell his employer insits on waltzing around calling himself Jeffrey with a J!”

“What in the everloving cluck was that last bit, there, buttercup?” trembled the angry jowls of Jeffrey with a G.

“You heard me you burnt strudel. Moleman wants to know why his boss make everybody call him Jeffrey with a J!”

“It’s Jeffrey with a G.”

“That’s what I said!”

Lady Krumbumbum interjected. “You said Jeffrey with a J!”

“Cluck off!” Broderica and Jeffrey with a G spat in unison.

The mole man lumbered over, head held high.

“You should…know,” the moleman boomed with slothlike tempo, “we molemen have…names, and are not…defined solely by our….moleman..ishness. You thinking…that I am simply..a moleman..and am not…my name…my name..which is Eustace..is simply a…manifest..ation..of your own…ignorance…which you should…twerk..to..minimize…for the mutual betterment…of mole..people..and other..people…alike.”

“Thanks…for…telling…me…that…” Broderica mocked through snorted giggles, “Gee, what a clucking moleman!”

“His name is Eustace!! His clucking name is Eustace call him Eustace what the cluck is wrong with you why won’t you call people their names?!” blubbered Jeffrey with a G, red and wet in the face like he’d just snorted a ghost pepper. “I’m gonna cluck you up! I’m gonna cluck you up so bad!”

Broderica squeezed her tits menacingly. “Try me you clucking krawfish!”

“Eustace! Grab these suckers!”

The gargantuan, clammy fists of Eustace the moleman grasped around Broderica and Lady Krumbumbum’s waists. He hosited them up like drumsticks.

“Excrete me,” cried Lady Krumbumbum, “But I fail to see why I need to be grabbed and called a sucker. Only Broderica has been instigating all this! I’ve been perfectly cordial!”

“Oh cluck you Krumbimbo!” hissed Broderica, “You’ve been muttering under your breath how much you hate warlocks and Jeffrey with a J this whole clucking time! We’re in this together, lady!”

“It’s Jeffrey with a G!” Jeffrey with a G cried. “It’s motherclucking Jeffrey with a motherclucking G! Eustace, throw these fools in the pit!”

“Okie…dokie…arti…—” the moleman rasped, inhaling heavily, “chokie…”

Eustace carried his captives out of the office and through a nettwerk of dark tunnels along the perimeter of the arena. Lady Krumbumbum and Broderica could hear crowd members booing violently through the thin cavern walls.

“Hey. Moleman. Hey. Hey moleman. Hey moleman. HEY! Moleman. Hey moleman. Hey Mr. Moley. Hey Maximoleman. Hey Professor Moleiarty. Holey Moley! Hey. Moleman. Hey moleman. Hey! Mole—”

“Shut the cluck up Broderica.”

“I was just trying to commune with the moleman.”

“You’re just egging him on. You know you’ll catch more fantasy flies with fantasy honey than with fantasy vinegar.”

“Why the cluck would I want to catch fantasy flies? I hate fantasy flies! They annoy the shit out of me I wish they were all dead!”

“Watch and learn,” Lady Krumbumbum tut tutted, doing her best to flick her hair around, nearly pulling her neck in the process, and putting on a raspy voice that could sheer a sheep. “Hey there, Eustace. You know, I’ve always found molemen reaaaaaally attractive.”

Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

“Oh my cock you can’t be serious?!” chortled Broderica.

“Ohh I am so serious Eustace. So. Seriousss.”

“What was that? Are you a garden snake now?”

“Cluck off! I’m talking to Eussstacccce.”

“Please…stop…before…I…vomit…”

“Eusstacce I want you to burrough through all my tunnelss.”

“Hood…cock…” Eustace dry heaved fartily, stumbling into a cavern wall. He then vomited a profuse geyser all over himself, Broderia, Lady Krumbumbum, and the ground. “Mother…clucker.”

“Yea really Krumbumboo I think I might vomit too. You’re the most disgrossting woman that’s actually a man I’ve ever met. I’ll be lucky to ever get aroused again. Thank you for that.”

“I don’t think it was bad. What do you think, Eustie?”

Eustace dry heaved in spasms, and then slipped in his own vomit and toppled to the ground.

WHOMPKKK

The moleman’s head had hit a rather large rock. His eyes were now glazed over and his fists flew open like they were spring loaded. Lady Krumbumbum and Broderica slunk away in puke-encrusted shock.

“Well, Krumbumbum, it seems I had it wrong. Hood job, chups.”

“I don’t understand,” Lady Krumbumbum fluttered her eyelids in shock, “I was trying to be alluring.”

Broderica wasn’t sure whether Lady Krumbumbum was being facetious or not, but decided she would rather not know.

“So how do we get out of here?”

“I dunno chuppy, why don’t you cast a hamn spell that’ll give us directions and also eight hundred deformed feet that we can’t cast a spell to remove?”

“Oh give it a rest. Should we search the moleman before we leave?”

Broderica snorted so hard she coughed alcohol up and then shot it out her nose. “Should we? Sure. Go ahead, grope the moleman, Krumbumbum, you’ve earned it.”

“It’s not to grope the moleman! It’s because he might have something like keys or money or hey maybe even a flask or something I don’t know.”

“It’s totally to grope the moleman.”

“Shut up!” Lady Krumbumbum slopped through vomit over to Eustace and gave him her best attempt at a non-sexual pat-down.

“How’s the groping going?”

“Cluck you!”

“Aha!” Lady Krumbumbum retrieved a heavy key ring from Eustace’s left trouser pocket.

“Who says we need any of that shit? Can’t you just magic doors open? This is clearly all a ruse so that you can grope the moleman.”

“Aha!” Lady Krumbumbum retrieved a sack of chickensfeed and a small wad of papers from Eustace’s right trouser pocket.

“Why do you keep reaching into the moleman’s pockets? What are you groping for exactly?”

“Aha!” Lady Krumbumbum retrieved a heavy flask from Eustace’s breast pocket.

“Look at you grope that moleman. At least I’m getting a drink out of it. Cluck, I need one, after watching you grope the moleman.”

Lady Krumbumbum daintily danced up to Broderica and popped open the flask.

“Thanks,” Broderica said, reaching for the flask, which Lady Krumbumbum kept just out of reach, “Glad you had—so much fun—groping—the moleman—cluck’s sake why won’t you give me a drink?!”

“Take it back.”

“Take what back?! I didn’t take anything of yours you moleman groping lunatic!”

“Take all the shit about moleman groping back and I’ll give you a drink. Otherwise I might just drink it all myself.”

“Oh cluck off you wouldn’t pull that shit.”

“Wouldn’t I?” Lady Krumbumbum lifted the flask to her lips and began to chug.

“What the cluck!! Krumbumbum what the cluck is wrong with you clucking stop it stop it you know I need that shit stop it stop itt!!!”

“Take it back,” she gurgled, spilling liquor all over her chest.

“Fine! Fine! You weren’t groping the moleman!”

“And?” another splosh of liquor all over her.

“And I’m sorry I said you were groping the moleman when you weren’t groping the moleman.”

“Thank you,” Lady Krumbumbum handed Broderica the flask and cleared her throat.

Broderica jiggled the flask around. “What the cluck vitch this shit is almost empty.”

“Take what you can get.”

Broderica sucked each drop out of the flask like it was her job. Then she tossed it askew. “You were totally groping the moleman.”

Lady Krumbumbum slapped Broderica across the face.