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Assafrass opened his eyes, seeing himself, Michael and Angela enclosed in jiggly purple energy, floating in a dark, turbulent void.

Cluck. I’m not drunk enough for this.

Oah, woaw, yaou’re sao cooal, Aassafrass, waith yaour daependency oan alcaohol tao babay yaou thraough laife’s traoubles, though Michael. Then, he promptly vomited due to nausea and overintoxication.

Micahel you disgrossting hypocrite.

Haypocrite? I naever draink! Oaf caourse I havae nao taolerance.

Ew the vomit is floating all over the place some of it got on me you suck Michael do you know how much the cap’n has to brush my long ass fur to keep it in proper shape and now you’ve clucked it all up you scrub!

I didn’t know you had long ass fur.

I don’t! I mean it’s not any longer than any of my other fur.

But you did say you had long ass fur. Did you mean long ass fur, or long ass fur?

Stop interrogating me! You’re such a clucking jerk!

Yaea Aassafrass yaou’re a jaerk.

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A large burst of flatulence shook wherever the hen they were, and brilliant pink explosions flashed through the void. It seemed whatever turbulent, souplike darkness there was was farting out a brilliant array of kaleidoscopic colors from some extradimensional rectum, opening and contracting with each new orb.

These orbs grew and changed, some vanished, and others rearranged. Assafrass found the whole thing strange while Michael drooled, appearing deranged. Angela quivered as stars formed and aged and void holes constipated then she barfed violently which ensured that the future graves of dying stars and planets were thoroughly desecrated. Quicker and quicker the void did expand and as planets grew like budding blooms Assafrass, Michael and Angela wondered if their paws would ever safely land instead of floating and bobbing on the precipice of doom while planets shat out of the ether into this gloomy primordial womb—would freedom be theirs?—or would this purple jelly surrounding them soon serve as a tomb as time sped faster and faster like a tipping top when all they could wish was that it would stop then the void ceased its rumbling with a decisive boom which the animals all surely thought was their doom they felt their farts flutter and flop and then enter their intestines with a jerking drop—or was that the diahrrea which was soon out to pop?—they felt again their pulses do zooms as more than one of them pointedly wondered if they had eaten some shrooms.

Hey! Hey! Idiots! Hello there? Whaddaya want from me?

There was a fabulously jeweled floating purple cat hovering next to the three frightened companions. She had thick, sassy eyelashes that looked ready to either fall right off or backhand someone, and a third cat ear protruding from her forehead.

Who are you? Assafrass gawked.

I’m a Janelle, idiot! The cat’s face stretched and contorted to reveal large, bloodied, snakelike fangs. Her eyes grew wide and bloodshot. You distrubed me from my eternal slumber and now you’ve got to face my wrath!

The dogs whimpered. Assafrass chewed on his spit in a nervous manner and sighed a weak hee-haw.

Ahahahaaaaa! Cackled the cat. I’m just clucking with y’all calm down calm down. Now I don’t know why you had to cluck around with all my shit, she gestured to the starry mess before them, But I guess that’s what you get with amateurs. Now, lemme aks again. Whaddaya want from me?

Oh my gourd oh my gourd I wanna be a poodle! Or at least a poodle mix, thought Angela excitedly.

Excrete me? You wanna what now? No no no no no. That’s not how this twerks, being made into a poodle. Best I can get you is, uh lemme see lemme see here, the Janelle made a large folder apparate before her face and flicked through the papers. Best I can get you is about nine and a half percent poodle in your bloodline. And that may be something that you already have, actually. But that’s the best I can give ya.

Are you clucking kidding me? I thought you were magic!

I am magic! But not that kinda magic! What’d ya take me for, a wizard or something? Turning things into things they’re not! Ugh, hello! I’m a Janelle! I warp the fabric of space time I don’t paint your nails!

Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

Assafrass and Michael stared at eachother with wide eyed, confused stares.

Uh, excrete me? Assafrass piped up. What exactly is a Janelle again?

Cock hamn it you people—er—you animals—really have no idea what you’ve waltzed on into here do you? The Janelle huffed and apparated another file of papers. Then she cleared her throat, getting spit on the three companions. I am a Janelle. I have adopted this form to appear familiar and safe to you. Were I to reveal my true self to your pitiful eyes—and yes, pitiful is in the copy, thank you—you would simply dissolve like a damp communion wafer.

I havae a quaestion plaease.

Yes, foul-accented wrinkledog?

Whay the thaird aear? Thaat’s naot famialiar aand caomforting!

Have you not talked to a hippy? The third ear is the window to the sounds of the soul! All y’all ought to learn to open your third ear!

I think it looks kind of gross balked Angela.

Gross? Vitch what’s wrong with you?! First you aks me to turn you into a clucking noodle—

Poodle.

—and then you take a big steaming dump all over my third ear? Who gives a cluck what it looks like? Do any of you know what my third ear sounds like?

The animals murmured amongst eachother, wondering if ears made sounds.

The answer is you would clucking know if your third ears were open! Now what can I do for ya? You’ve woken me up and unfortunately for myself that means I owe you one wish that I deem worthy of granting. That’s right, I can veto your wish! And don’t waste my time with any more stupid ass—shit sorry didn’t mean to offend there donkeybrains—wishes like being turned into strudel—

A poodle I wanted to be a poodle!

—you better shut her up before I redact your wish and kick y’all outta here.

Shut up Angela you’re going to ruin our chance at a wish!

My wish is already ruined. Don’t you care about anybody but yourself you asshole?

I not an asshole! I’m a whole ass, thank you very much!

Whay daon’t yaou baack oaf, Aassafrass, yaou’re haurting haer feealings.

Michael you better watch it or I’ll wish your tongue into a lemon.

That’s not how my powers twerk cockhammit! That’s it! Two strikes! One more chance to wish for something worthwhile! You got one minute before I kick you the cluck outta here and slam the lamp lid on ya!

Assafrass sighed. Angela’s recent words rang in his head, echoing as if the dark expanse they floated in was a humongous reverbrous chamber but also since the words were imaginary obviously none of the sounds were being made and traveling anywhere at all. Then, Assafrass realized he actually did care about someone other than himself.

Janelle—

My name’s not Janelle it’s Fuscia! That’s like me calling you ass, ass.

Fuscia—

Stop with the names and just get to the clucking point already come on I have a spa day planned with a lamplighter.

I know what I want to wish for. Assafrass paused for what he deemed a noble, dramatic pause.

Feathery clucking cock just tell me what it is idiot!

My ass master—

HAHAHAHAHHAHHAHHHAAAHHHH

Uh, my ass master—

AAAAHAHHAHAHHHAAA

What’s so funny?

Assafrass looked to his companions, who did their best versions of animal shrugs.

As I was saying, my ass master and I got separated recently, and I would like nothing more than to—

AHAHHAAA I’m sorry I’m sorry I just whew I’m sorry HAAHHHHHAHAHHAHAA ASS MASTER ASS MASTER AHAHHAAAAHH did your ass master carry a whip and paddle around? Don’t answer that I don’t wanna know AHAHHAAHAAAHHH

Okay. My ass master and I were recently separated. I was, as he would call it, ass napped.

AHHHAHHAHHAA sorry sorry cock I swear I’ll get it together I’ll—whew—I’ll get it together I just AHAHHHAHAHHAAAAA

So ever since this ass napping, I highly suspect he has gotten himself in all sorts of trouble, what with being assless and all. So I wish for my ass master and I to be reunited.

AHHHAAAHHAHHHaaaaaah! Well that actually sounds like a pretty decent wish. Sounds like my kinda wish. I…think I can put the lamplighting on the backburner for now.

Naow waait a saecond! Whaat iaf I weare tao thaink uap a baetter waish?

Too late dog breath! I already picked his wish he had a hood wish just get over it.

I hardlay thaink thaat’s faiar.

Fair? You think I give a cluck about fair? Life’s not fair, chuppy! If you had opened up your third ear you’d know that already, you know.

Michael wimpered in pitiful defeat, and then cocked his head sagasciously.

Now. For this wish we’re gonna need to do a lotta fun stuff. I’m talking huge, overarching impacts to history shit. We’re gonna found an entire folk story off this. Your ass master is gonna know this story, and it’s gonna be this exact story that saves his ass, figuratively and literally! You with me?

Oh, I’m with you all right. You’re ready to move mountains for this stinking donkey but you won’t turn me into a poodle!

Vitch you need to zip it or I’ll zip it for you literally by going back in time and making your lineage include a rare breed of zipper mouthed dogs and then you’ll have a zipper mouth and I’ll grab it and I’ll zip it shut!

Maisirrah thais saounds quaite laike oaverkill tao mae.

I’ll do it to you too! I’ve had enough of your stupid asides like you think you’re some noble pile of wrinkles! Stop stepping on my toes! I’m a Janelle cock hammit have some respect!

Assafrass chewed on absolutely nothing and then let out a disgruntled hee haw. Misirrah Fuscia, I think that—

Don’t you ‘misirrah’ me! I’m not a cockhammed queen—okay well maybe I am a cockhammed queen—

Please stop arguing with us and get to the point! Aren’t you going to do my wish?

Oh, I’m going to do your wish, you ass. I’m going to get all up in your wish, your wish is gonna get all over the place. Just you wait.

Okay. Thank you.

They hovered in silence, watching planets form and crumble and morph and die.

Um, hello? Are y’all falling asleep or something?

I baelieve wea’re waitaing faor Aassafrass’ waish tao, earhm, ‘gaet aall oaver thae placae.’

Oh true. My bad.