It was a dark and stormy night. The rain fell in a torrential downpour as I made my way home. The cold night air touched my senses as I adjusted my umbrella.

Though the rainy season bothered a lot of people, it didn’t affect me nearly as much. You know a bit of magic, and voila, eternal temperature control.

So many people thought that power was the ability to control others. To force them to your will. I snorted at that thought.

True power was in the little things. The ability to stay warm in any season, to ensure comfort when necessary.

Take out was a wonderful example. Food tended to cool and lose heat due to thermodynamics. Magic allowed you to… bend that rule. To allow the crispy chicken dinner to remain fresh for days. Years. Centuries. Millennia even, if you knew how.

I shivered as a tendril of the perfected aroma tickled my sense of smell. The magically reinforced paper bag was dry from the stray rain that the twitchy winds moved.

I seriously needed to eat this. I had been craving it all week and Netflix just released the second season of One Punch Man.

God damn it, I was going to eat, binge, and vegetate as my ancestors could only imagine.

Then a second scent touched my nose. It was a smell I was very familiar with.

Blood. A fair bit of it.

Wait… I took a deeper whiff. It smelt… sterile. Like a freshly opened package of baby wipes.

Which meant something holy was nearby. I gnashed my teeth as I tried to ignore it.

I seriously had better things to do. Chicken. Netflix. That twelve pack of the seasonal pop, limited edition. Berry-riffic.

“… please… me….”

I stopped with a huff. I felt this holy hassle hook itself into the surface of my spirit.

That twice blessed thing was getting closer. It would have been like those horror movies. No matter how much I ran, it would catch up to me.

It was tethered and I could only wait for it to break its bonds by death, or by an intervention. Unless you were special, like me. I could have just severed the tether, but I was curious now.

What the hell was this holy thing, and what was hunting it.

Then it hobbled into view.

I almost dropped the umbrella. The chicken was far too important to lose. The man was honest to God, an Angel. It had a brilliant white wing on the left, pristine as the clouds on a sunny day. The right one was definitely chewed on.

“… please… run… me…”

“Look. Your holiness. I got no time for this,” I said as I gestured to him and then to me. Tethering people is rude. This was a very rude angel.

“Please… run from… me…”

“…” I almost dropped the umbrella. My other arm twitched but I moved the chicken into my trench coat. One of the best purchases of my life. Made me look like a detective or a ranking officer in the military. I seriously loved this coat.

“Please… run from the por… me”

“Seriously. You just tethered your soul to mine. I can’t run from you,” I explained as I began to walk towards the obvious shell shocked angel. I started to see it clearly as I got closer.

It was injured. Angels had perfect bodies unless it was tarnished. By injury, or by a curse, its physical state was a representation of its true self.

Missing wing, waxy body, incoherent speech, desire to leech spiritual power from anything not malevolent…

This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

Shit. I didn’t want to meet whatever just fucked up this guy. Angels were tough. Like solid titanium brick tough.

“Please. Run. The portal. It is here from me,” the angel finally spat out and I narrowed my brows as it tried to siphon more energy from me.

Yeah no. I ate chicken. I wasn’t a fancy meal myself.

I severed the tether with a snap of my fingers. The bond was shattered and I totally smelled that fresh sheets out of the dryer scent as a reward. It was a very pleasant scent.

Wait.

The poor smuck and I turned around.

The new girl was beautiful. Golden hair that reaches her ankles. The soft cloth that suggestively accentuated her body. A laurel of violets adorned her crown. Her pure, blue eyes drank in our existence.

I would have fallen in love if she wasn’t full of intent. It wasn’t malevolent. Just a strong and pure desire to do something. The very air around her vibrated as her eyes fell onto the angel.

The corners of her lips twitched downwards and the retarded angel was blasted into a parked car. The entire thing shattered. Glass flew everywhere, the metal screamed as it was all warped inwards.

I blinked as the entire thing exploded and then the remains lit on fire. Despite the torrential downpour. My angel was thrown into the car parked in front, setting off its alarms.

She shifted her eyes to me. She was judging me.

I stared at the destruction. Half impressed. Half horrified. What a waste of a Toyota. I half wondered if it would still work.

“You. He has touched you,” she whispered. Despite the fact she was like ten meters away, I heard her clearly. Angels were scary like that.

“You can too. If you ask nicely,” I replied absently as I watched Mr retard slowly get up and onto his feet.

Holy shit. Retard was missing an arm and his other wings.

I turned and stared at the newcomer. I squinted and concentrated.

Holy shit. Her aura was like a hundred times brighter than his…

Fuck. Archangel.

She frowned and I reacted.

I immediately dropped my umbrella and protected my chicken as I raised both palms out to ward her off. Her powerful will scrapped across my own. Like running your nails down your arm, lightly scratched were etched into my outer spirit. Except these nails were claws.

Fuck. She was going to kill me until I died.

I could resurrect, but I knew that she knew. Immortals felt different. Like clay. I could remold my body without issues, but it took energy. The energy that was definitely not infinite.

She definitely had a better engine than mine. More power, more reserves.

Luckily I had a secret weapon. I knew how to cheat.

With a though I summoned my umbrella. The thing closed into itself and began to twist. A thousand shadow forms slithered beneath its innocent exterior before it settled.

An umbrella by day. A fancy odachi by night. A fancy large katana that I totally did not copy off of Sephiroth.

The cutie frowned and adjusted herself. She immediately took to the skies, floating three meters up and out. She felt the darkness in my weapon and knew better than to stay within my reach.

To bad. She still underestimated me.

I tethered my will to hers. It connected, and I yanked. Hard.

Cutie was able to resist for all of half a second before she was yanked towards me. I thrust forward with my weapon and its dark energies cut her.

I seriously was falling for this chick. She was hot. Powerful. And cocky as shit.

A drop of blood fell from her thumb as she just pinched my dark weapon into submission.

“That is cute. Is it a sin to lust after you?” I asked as I tilted my sword down.

“All must be judged. All sinners must be punished,” she declared as the sword shook under her power. The dark form twisted under the will, but it did not break.

“Well. This retard better be worth it,” I groused as I pulled off the ring on my middle finger. I touched the diamond gem to the edge of my sword.

The archangel frowned at my actions but did not react. Until she saw the blood drop flow like mercury down the body of the blade. She screamed, her power nearly doubling before the blood touched the gem.

It turned red and the world flashed. An intense vacuum formed where she once stood and all rain within thirty meters was instantly sucked into it.

The water ball then exploded and I cursed as I barely turned my sword back into its umbrella form in time. I shook off the water and made my way over to the holy retard.

“God is coming. Pray that Satan saves us,” the man uttered perfectly clearly and coherently before passing out.

I watched as his head bounced off the flaming wreckage before I allowed myself to sigh.

With a thought, I levitated the man and cloaked the both of under the guise of night. It would work on mortals, but not anything super natural.

My nerves were frayed. My night was ruined. And I couldn’t even kill anything to vent my displeasure properly. I pulled out my dinner, made it float, and started to eat my chicken like they were apples.

I made my way forward, ignoring the sounds of distant sirens as I reach into my pockets for my cell phone. I immediately went to contacts and my fingers froze…

I thought about calling in the Winchesters. They owed me more than a few favors… but who knew where the fuck they where. What was their track record against heaven again?

I stared at the blood-red ring on my middle finger and made my choice.

I flicked my list to “The Lux” and smashed the dial button. Bastard better is home. I needed to figure out what I had just fallen into.

My one anti-angel defense was burned and whenever she escaped she was going to be pissed. I needed Lucy to do me a solid and intervene.

Though I swear to god if he started to rant about his latest case again… I was going to accept Mazi’s numerous offers for favors and rewards and punch that lovable douche in the face.