I remember when

I remember, I remember when I lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that place

Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

And when you’re out there without care

Yeah, I was out of touch

But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough

I just knew too much

Crazy, Gnarls Barkley

Slouching on the couch, Anna Marie stretched her legs out on the chaise lounge portion of the sofa. Preparing to purchase this exact type of couch occupied her mind for two straight years. She researched the type of couch she wanted, investigated prices, and visited several websites that sold household furniture. And Anna Marie kept repeating this same cycle repeatedly until her therapist told her to stop obsessing about the sofa. Just another symptom of how her mind ran marathons on its hamster wheel. This type of thinking proved useful in her late teens and early adulthood when it came to studying or learning new processes. But as she aged, this type of thinking became less helpful and more of a hindrance. God forbid, something bad happened at work on Friday as she would easily spend the following weekend stressing and replaying said unfortunate event. Her therapist explained it was part of Anna Marie’s streak of perfectionism but never really offered concrete methods on how to stop the hamster wheel run.

It really bothered Anna Marie why she did not have any specific answer on why she was so broken. Throughout her life, she could point out to stupid and weird stuff she had done in her younger years. But where did it come from? Why did she have zero memory of the car accident? The car accident and the events that transpired after which changed her entire family, but Anna Marie had zero recollection of the crash. Anna Marie was supposedly in the car. Her older brother was driving, apparently drunk as usual and from what she was told by everybody else – crashed it into another car. Anna Marie’s parents and middle brother rushed out, and this part of the story varied from person to person. Her middle brother says that her father punched out her older brother. Anna Marie’s mother stated that her father slapped her older brother. And at the point everybody’s life changed in one way or another. And this life changing event – Anna Marie had zero memory of it. And the ugliness behind the accident. Anna Marie believed the reason why she couldn’t recall the accident is because her older brother might have molested her before the accident and taken her out for “Ice Cream” to quieten her.

And then Anna Marie began her decade long stage of “bouncing” where she would rock back and forth bashing her head off the chair or sofa cushion. She began “bouncing” when she was six years old and basically continued it until she was fourteen years old. Anna Marie could “bounce” all day long if given the chance, and she had broken the couch twice in fact. It couldn’t be normal, but doctors just shooed it away that it was an anxiety thing. Anna Marie still wondered if it could be considered stimming, but that idea had been shot down by her doctors. She had asked the doctors several times if she could be on the autism spectrum due to the stimming, anxiety and her sensitivity to noises and motion. But then Anna Marie watched one movie with cannabis use and an ongoing joke of one strain called “I’m Autistic.”

Gazing out at the television, Anna Marie clicked back into reality. The hamster is on the wheel running the marathon. She was overthinking again. Anna Marie needed a glass of pop and a smoke to calm her nerves. Pushing her blanket off her, she stepped foot onto the rugged floor and crossed over into the kitchen. The perfect thing about her cozy bachelor apartment was how little she had to travel towards the kitchen, bathroom, and her bed. Choosing to sleep on her couch, Anna Marie’s bed seemed particularly useless. Striding to the refrigerator, she pulled it open allowing the fridge light to illuminate the pitch blackness of the apartment. It wasn’t day anymore but roughly after two in the morning as Anna Marie had successfully twisted her daytime and nighttime schedules together. Frowning, she swore to herself as she pulled out the last bottle of pop. This would mean she would have to go outside. Outside into the real world. It was only a short fifteen-minute walk to the convenience store, but Anna Marie did not want to be out among people. It would only make her feel more broken, and she probably smelled.

Sadness flooded Anna Marie as she walked glumly back over to her home base – the sofa. Plopping down on the cushions, she pulled the cashmere blanket over and began searching her coffee table for a half-decent used cup. Picking one up after another and peering inside, Anna Marie growled until she found a large pink cup last used for pop consumption. It was nothing new for her to have the dirty dishes pile up on her. Her ex-husband Kevin would come home from work and flip out on her for not taking care of the dirty dishes. Kevin never understood how the simplest of tasks felt impossible for Anna Marie. And that including getting in the shower as well. One of her social workers, who tried to get Anna Marie back to work unsuccessfully, had stated that for some patients showering once a week was the best they could do. But Kevin did not even attempt to learn about her conditions, and one day he came home from work and asked her for a divorce.

You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

Well, if Anna Marie is honest. The dishes were only part of the problem. The several failed suicide attempts including the “incident” drove Kevin away from her, and into the arms of his co-worker. Well, again if Anna Marie is honest, he had a passing fancy for the woman. Kevin swore him and his co-worker never crossed the line into a physical affair. But an emotional affair was just as damaging to Anna Marie. She wondered if men could be faithful, but wait a minute Anna Marie can’t really speak about this. Her biggest secret she kept hidden was she was officially married when she met Kevin. Pot. She needed more pot. But Anna Marie dropped large hints she wanted out of the marriage. Introducing him as her “first husband” was one of those hints.

And she never actually lied to her first husband, who shall remain nameless. He was gone for a month-long trip, and when he came back home Anna Marie asked for a divorce as she met Kevin. She left him for another man, but she never cheated behind her back. But that did not stop first husband from telling all the neighbours about her “affair” and her boss and coworkers. First husband turned out to be incredibly spiteful and emptied the house of all its furniture leaving Anna Marie with zip. And she took all his slandering and destroying of her reputation, because Anna Marie wanted out of that marriage badly. The man was incredibly manipulative – hiding her bank card in the freezer. The first husband, her high school sweetheart, would be laughing hysterically now at her situation.

And I guess it only served Anna Marie right that Kevin fell for another woman while he was married to her. Guess she got what she deserved. Karma after all. So, great she was a cheater who probably got what she deserved, probably sexually abused by her older brother, probably her parents did not love her.

And she had problems with trying to carry a pregnancy – even hemorrhaging with one miscarriage almost killing her. And with a long list of mental health diagnoses that pointed she was crazy. Anna Marie feels like such a failure. Maybe it would have been better if she wasn’t even born. And she was now beginning to research into the Canadian MAID Act, the right to die. Mental illness was being added on March 17, 2023, and she has been waiting impatiently for this opportunity. Of all of her failures in life, maybe this is the one thing Anna Marie could get right. Just get something right for a change. She didn’t want to live anymore. How could she? What if she tried to date again? She would have to be honest with another partner, and they would run for the hills if she told him the full truth about herself. No, Anna Marie couldn’t bear another day on this earth. She could feel a panic attack creeping up prepared to have her burst into tears. No, she had to stop it. Calvin and Savannah. She could fall into their story. Their perfect story of love and hope.

Grabbing the remote, she began playing another one of Calvin Hunter’s films on a streaming service. Anna Marie gasped for breath pushing her emotions down, pushing them down into non-existence. Savannah, the perfect woman – a kind, loving woman without all of the flaws of Anna Marie. Where was she in the story? Oh yes, Calvin and Savannah reconciled and came out of this whole situation more in love than before. Only to find out that, yes, indeed, Savannah’s adopted family was trying to destroy her husband’s reputation. But Calvin and Savannah united with all very successful writers, directors and actors to push back against her adopted family’s…..

Bzzzz. Bzzzz. Anna Marie let out a noise of frustration. Why would her mother call her now? She had just spoken to the woman and told her she was very busy. Angrily, Anna Marie grabbed the phone off the couch and answered gruffly, upset about being interrupted daydreaming. “Hello.”

A no-nonsense male on the other end of the line asked. “Is this Anna Marie Spencer?”

Wondering if this could be a telemarketer, Anna Marie responded carefully. “Yes, may I ask who is speaking?”

“Not important. Listen carefully….” A pause on the line. “How do I say this? Anna Marie Spencer, you might want to get a hold of these movies I am going to tell you about. Yeah, watch these movies. And you might find them a little upsetting…..” Another pause. “But you need to know.”

Confused by the whole exchange she responded. “What are you talking about? What do I need to know?”

“Ms. Spencer, watch these movies. Tower Yard, Campout, Light Burns Brighter at Night…..are you writing these down?” The male voice asked irritatingly.

In a daze, Anna Marie reached out to the coffee table to the first sheet of paper and a pen. “I have paper. I am writing them down.” Her mouth repeated out the movies he first listed. “What is going on?”

“Never mind that. Keep writing. Not Very Good Gentleman, Friday Night Blues, Leprechaun Disaster, Library Bibliotech….” Anna Marie desperately scratched down all the names he mentioned. She had heard of some of these movies, but they were not in the same genre she liked.

“And Ms. Spencer. Do you have a bible?”

Shocked by the question, she answered. “Yes.”

“Good. Read it.”

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had

I find it hard to tell you ‘cause I find it hard to take

When people run in circles, it’s a very, very

Mad world

Mad world

Mad world

Mad World”

Mad World By Tears for Fears