I stink.

Anna Marie said aloud in absolute disgust with herself and her complete lack of personal hygiene.  Another glaring example of how far she had fallen from the woman she had once identified as.   Once upon a time, Anna Marie had been a woman of silk, perfume, and money. Her world used to revolve around visits to the hair salons, shopping trips to the malls, and lavish meals at expensive restaurants.  Carrie Bradshaw would have been a close friend of Anna Marie as they balanced on unusually tall high heels.  If Carrie could see her now, she would stage an intervention and shove Anna Marie on a show for hoarders.  Maybe not quite hoarders, maybe something titled, “Clean Your Damn Apartment and Get In the Shower.”  Yes, the icon for modern women would be horrified to see how far one of her pupils had fallen from glittery grace.

Now Anna Marie is bothered by those pesky children running outside laughing and giggling while they enjoy the bright sunny weather.  With her vertical blinds tightly shut blocking out any rays of sunlight, she would rather wallow in her own misery in her dark, bleak apartment.  Spying out from underneath her soft cashmere blanket, Anna Marie gazed at the mess of wrappers and empty soda bottles strewn on the top of her coffee table.  The remnants of her fast-food orders and pop obsession gazed back at her mocking her to get up and throw them into the trash. That seemed too much work, although the vape pen filled with cannabis juice appeared to be a much easier option.  All this worrying about garbage stressed Anna Marie; she needed to relax.  As she grabbed for the mechanized stick of pot, she clumsily bumped her only picture frame off the table and onto the floor.

Stretching her arm out from under the covers, Anna Marie leaned down from her nesting spot on the couch to pick up the five-by-five picture frame.  Pulling herself upwards with the frame in hand, she had a chance to take a good look at the image.  Staring back was a doppleganger of herself, five foot four, long brown hair except this version of herself was smiling as she held hands with an equally smiling man with sandy-blonde hair.  Kevin, her ex-husband and Anna Marie smiling in a picture taken on their wedding day.  Holding the frame, Anna Marie squeaked in shock seeing a happier version of herself.  Tears instantly formed in her eyes and fell down her cheeks as quick as a flash flood.  Gasping for air, loud sobs echoed from her throat as her chest pain returned.  Now embroiled in a full emotional panic attack, Anna Marie tried to gingerly slide the picture frame of the happy couple back onto the coffee table amid the empty foil packages and plastic soda bottles.

In a moment, heartbreak added to the list of disgust and failure Anna Marie held against herself.  The breakdown of her marriage had been the final straw of defeat which caused Anna Marie to collapse.  Too many failures in a short period of time had defeated Anna Marie to the woman she was today. Losing her career, losing her chance to have children, and losing her marriage caused Anna Marie to lose her mind.  And if anyone had the gall to tell Anna Marie to get back and up and fight for her life, she was fully prepared to fight back.  She could hit them with all the reports from those expensive doctors that listed all of her faults such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, severe chronic depression, severe anxiety, suicidal ideation and a partridge in a pear tree.  All the high-priced psychologists and psychiatrists had come to the same conclusion.  Anna Marie is broken. 

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The unanimous conclusion from the doctors was that Anna Marie had been broken somewhere on the path of life.  It could have been from her neglectful parents who forgot she existed until she had become a mouthy teenager.  The family joke between her parents and her two older brothers was Anna Marie was the child her parents had to save the marriage.  News flash – she didn’t.  Anna Marie’s parents hated each other but surprisingly stayed together because getting divorced and being happy was just plainly overrated.  Best to stay married, hate each other and sleep in separate bedrooms.  Problem solved.  Or there was the strong possibility that her older brother (eleven years older than her and now currently deceased) had molested her when she was younger, and she did not remember.  She didn’t exactly have one hundred percent proof, but Anna Marie added up some incredibly odd dots and concluded he probably molested her.  She began masturbating at the age of six, she refused to sleep through the night in her own bedroom and slept with her parents for early childhood, and she did not remember one particular traumatic event that happened in front of all five family members.  And this traumatic event changed the course of everyone’s life, and for some reason Anna Marie could not recall it.  Not to mention she first mentioned committing suicide one year after the event at the tender age of seven years old.  For Anna Marie, the cumulation of all these family problems more than likely caused her to become crazy. And probably the root cause of her inability to hold down a job, carry a child or keep a husband.  Yep, broken.  Didn’t I have that mechanized pot stick? Anna Marie jumped up from the couch to search the carpeted floor for her vape containing cannabis.

Aha!! Locating the vape pen was the only thing to brighten Anna Marie’s mood.  Too much thinking about her current problems of health, family and marriage needed to be eradicated as quickly as possible.  Taking one long drag off the vape pen, Anna Marie instantly relaxed as she inhaled the smoke.  Bad feelings gone.  With a couple more puffs, she sat up slightly on the couch and forgot her troubles.  Blowing out a smoke ring, Anna Marie fixated on the ridiculously handsome man on her television screen with perfect dark hair, chiseled jaw, and striking blue eyes.  Even though the volume on the television was muted, she still watched him intently forgetting all her troubles.  Watching him, Anna Marie could even forget that she had not showered in three whole weeks.  No, she was already gone into her dream world.

The people she was closest to in the world did not even know Anna Marie’s dirty little secret.  Her dream world.  Some people may call it maladaptive daydreaming, but for Anna Marie this dreaming made her life bearable, and lately she had spent every waking moment engrossed in it.  In her dreams, Anna Marie was younger, thinner and prettier.  Anna Marie turned into Savannah, an actress slash singer slash dancer that was incredibly funny and incredibly kind.  Of all of Anna Marie’s different persona’s, they all had to be the same and had a heart of gold – sweet, loving and kind to all God’s people and creatures alike.  The only thing that changed was the face of her man who would become the great love of Savannah’s life.  And right now, the man whom Savannah/Anna Marie loved more than life itself was Calvin Hunter.  Tall, dark, handsome who would protect the love of his life, Savannah while throwing out some wisecrack comments now and then.  And Anna Marie had all of Calvin Hunter’s movies and television shows.  Reaching out, Anna Marie picked up her headphones, slid them on and played music and drifted off into her dream world.  Yes, Anna Marie’s brains were scrambled eggs.