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Chapter 16, Cost of Living

I sit up. It... it can’t be. I push myself out of the embrace of the small tent She-Dragon made for me. I walk as if in a trance through the caves, not seeing the dark sconces lighting my path nor the emerald green pool. The cold makes me shiver, but I pay such trivial things no mind.

The moon blankets the entrance to the cave where we fought the monster dragon in bright silver, gleaming off the snow and ice where the dragons fought and fire scorched the ground. There is a roar as the distant river down the ravine drops off to a waterfall. Around me is the sniffles and heart-broken cries of those who lost loved ones and friends.

Not even knowing how I had the strength to get here... what lies before me saps whatever I have left. I lean against the side of the cave and fall to my knees.

I watch as a young girl who has long black hair sobs into the shoulder of a boy with the same deep black locks. Her whole body shakes as cries of deep agony pass her lips. The boy has tears streaming down his face, but he attempts to remain strong for his little sister.

A grown lady and man face a covered body before them. Her eyes are red from crying, and I watch her face crumple and she leans into her husband.

A young man comes over to enfold his younger siblings in his arms. A light gust of wind blows and takes the covering off the face on the ground for but a moment before her older brother brings it back. It’s enough. I didn’t believe. That young spitfire who I convinced the Imperial to bring.

Because of me, she now lays lifeless on a mountain far from home.

A young, innocent girl who had her entire life before her. The chance to become a warrior of greatness or a to become leader of a hunt. All snatched from her in a moment.

Just a few feet away, another family mourns. The next is a grouping of male warriors. All together, I see ten. Ten bodies upon the ground. Ten who will not be coming home for their wives or children or mothers or fathers.

I jump as a hand lies on my shoulder. I meet the Imperial's somber eyes.

“Death is a part of life, Your Highness. We all live knowing one day will be our last. But it does not make this any easier,” he says, bitterness coating every word.

“How?” The one word strangles itself from my throat. “How do we live knowing our decisions cost them their lives?”

“We live knowing by their sacrifice we live another day. We honor them by living and defending so others don’t have to pay the ultimate price.”

I watch in silence as the family mourns. I stay in the shadows until the Imperial leaves to check on his other charges. Still I watch. And I make a vow. With my last breath, I will protect those who cannot protect themselves. And with my life, I will do whatever is in my power to save those under my wing so no one must suffer like Bridget and her family. Like me and my family.

The moon gleams high in the sky when at last Bridget’s family moves on. They set up camp on the far side of the flat, snowy plain, well away from the battle site.. and from the shell Bridget left behind.

I walk out of the cave, clinging to the shadows as they cling to me. A lone sentry stands guard over those who gave their lives. As an assassin, you would think me used to loss of life. But as an assassin, you hardly even see the face of the person. Most times, undetectable poison was my go to, and if not, a knife in the throat in the dead of night.

More so than this, most of my assassinations came because of the life choices that they made. I like to tell myself that I didn’t kill a good person, but one who the worlds were better off without. They deserved it, and I preemptively killed them before they hurt another.

But this is different. I saw the faces; I ran with these people. I fought at their sides. They weren’t just targets: they were scents, emotions, and actions. Individuals I came to respect.

I stop by each shell, giving my respects for the lives they lived, and sorrow for the way they died. Last of all, I stop by Bridget. I drop to one knee beside her shell.

“Bridget, I am so sorry. I told you I would do everything in my power to get your family back, yet I couldn’t protect you.” I slam my fist into the dirt. The jarring of the motion combats the deep sorrow in my chest. I feel the night watchmen’s eyes on me, but he doesn’t move to interfere.

If only I could give her more than words. If only I could give her life back, but I can’t. It’s not in my power. “Father, please. I don’t know you as I once did, but please. I don’t understand why. Why take her from her family? She had so much more to give. To live. To love. Why?” I whisper through aching lips.

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“He doesn’t answer to us, you know.” The quiet voice comes from directly behind me, startling both me and my wolf.

I spin quickly, caught off guard. Behind me stands Bridget’s father. His swollen dark eyes so much like his daughters that my heart gives a painful beat. He regards me with wariness. “Sir, I’m sorry. I’ll just...” I can’t stand to face him. I duck my head and turn to go.

He catches my arm; with a flinch, I stop. “No, don’t,” he says.

I glance back at him. He drops my arm when I don’t move further. “You’re him, aren’t you?” he asks.

“I am the one who got your daughter killed,” I say bitterly. My voice is husky with emotion.

“No. You are the wolf.” No hatred is in his eyes. Only exhaustion and sorrow.

“I am. I’m sorry I couldn’t save your daughter.” Words seem so trivial compared to his hurting heart. If only I could do more.

He studies me. “Do you know how she died?” he asks finally. His eyes and face are familiar, but I can’t quite place him.

“No, sir.”

He sits upon the earth and pats the dirt beside him. A part of me wonders if he’s merely getting me close to kill me. My mind tells me he’s had plenty of chances. And I wonder if I would even fight.

I ease down into the ground, mindful of his eyes, ever watchful.

“I wondered how you’d feel after being smashed by that thing.”

I give a mirthless chuckle and hide a wince. “Like I got squashed and singed by a dragon? Yeah, that’s about right.”

“You’re different than I expected,” he responds through a tight-lipped smile.

“How so?” I ask.

“I thought a prince would be more haughty. You are downright humble.” Somehow, someway, my secret was leaked. I’m guessing by a certain Were who doesn’t like me too much. The one who came in to find the mark on my head and threatened me until the Imperial threw him out of the healer's shack. I knew he'd be trouble.

“Sir, when you’ve been where I have, you learn there is no place for pride. It only imprisons you further.” I learned that the hard way.

“Wise words for one so young,” he says, words conveying as if he, too, knows the cost of pride. "My daughter..." He pauses, voice choked from him. He clears his throat then continues, "She was always going to follow in my footsteps to be a warrior. She fought hard and trained harder. She was fast on her toes and even faster up here." He taps his temple with a sad smile. “But so brave. Too brave. I was worried she was going to die protecting someone. My worst fear...” He looks out at the beautiful white and green landscape of the rolling mountains and cliffs, but doesn't seem to see it.

I watch him. There’s something about this man that draws me. A quiet strength. A wisdom. An assurance. Not prideful, just confident. I decide to tell him what’s on my mind. “The first time I met your daughter, she had just rode miles to tell us of the dragon taking you. My first thought was that no one, not even a dragon, would mess with her. She was fierce. I recognized much of myself in her, the raw determination, the gift of courage with a hint of insanity. I'm the one who convinced the Imperial to bring her along. I should’ve made her stay. Yet I thought she would’ve followed anyhow. I failed to protect her. This was too great a price to pay.”

“Bridget was... stubborn and headstrong, loyal and beautiful. Words can’t say all she was. But she chose this. I asked you if you knew how she—“ His voice chokes off. He takes a deep breath before continuing. “Her sister was the next for that monster. He had toyed with her, and there was nothing I could do. I was hanging from his claws, doing everything I could just to survive. Once that thing tossed me into a tree, he went straight for you. Never have I seen anything braver than you jumping at the throat of that beast. But as soon as he slung you off, he used his tail to crush my younger daughter. Bridget... she saw. She launched herself at her sister and pushed her out of the way.” He chokes up and I pretend to ignore the tears racing down his face. “I was her father. I should’ve been the one. Instead, I could only watch.”

I have no words for him. Nothing that will make this ache any better. But... I can share my own. “My brother.” I have to pause and take a breath. This is something I have never shared. But it’s time. I’m not alone. And perhaps a shared pain is an eased burden. “We were racing. I slid to a stop at a cliff, but he didn’t see it in time.” I don’t tell him of the dart that punched into his side. Some things are better left unsaid. “I lunged to grab the scruff of his neck, but I couldn’t hold on. I wasn’t strong enough. He fell. I have long since carried the weight of his death.

"But Sir, you’ve got your family. I lost mine. I would do anything to trade places with my brother. He was going to be a much better man than me. I would do anything to trade places with your daughter. Yet honor her with your life. Your younger daughter is going to blame herself, just as I did.

"My father cast me out. Instead of accepting I did everything I could, he sent me away. I have carried the guilt ever since. Please, be there for your daughter. Hold her. Tell her it wasn’t her fault. Love her. She’s going to need you now more than ever. For I wonder what life would have been like had my father had chosen to love me instead of seeing my brother’s loss in everything I did. Choose to love greater instead," I say, my chest heaving with the weight of my emotions.

I stand and walk away. It won’t do to have him watching the tears trail down my face and smelling of ocean salt with a hint of metal.

“Then you wouldn’t be here,” the man behind me whispers so softly I barely hear it.

I halt and turn slightly, just enough to see his glowing eyes reflect the light. “I hold no illusions about what would’ve happened had you not been here. This battle would have been much, much worse. I have no doubt my entire family would have died. Your Highness, don’t doubt where the Allfather has placed you. Bridget came for a reason, and in so doing, saved her sister.” The words stick in his chest. With a deep breath, he turns to face me fully, staring deep into my eyes. “Don’t doubt you are exactly where you need to be.”

I give him a deep nod, almost a bow. He gives me one last look before he returns to watching over his lost child.