--- TURSTE ---
In the darkness between moments as he fought for his own mind, he remembered who he was before.
He remembered the winter whenever he started to waver, he remembered that first winter he’d seen a ferien, when he’d first decided there was beauty in the world. He remembered the graceful gait of the hunter in the ash, looking for smaller creatures to consume. He remembered watching as it caught a pest and turned toward him with a tilted head. Curious as to his presence.
Oh winters and stars they were beautiful. He remembered feeling the rebellion in his steps as he came out into the ash every year to see the creatures hunt. Soon he knew them better than he knew himself.
“Are you trying to activate your blood? You know that’s against the rules, right?”
He looked up from the three beautiful hunters and remembered seeing his sister, arms folded, nose up to the clouds. He didn’t answer her question. “Aren’t they beautiful?”
His sister snorted, “They’re beasts. Just like everything else they’ll want to destroy it.” Now, he couldn’t even remember what ‘it’ was. What had they been protecting?
The memory drifted.
He remembered as the years passed by, as the grand cities forged new ships. He remembered as the people took and took and took from the land. That was an important change, wasn’t it? He remembered visiting the ferien, studying them, and finally learning to shift to their forms. He remembered the joy that brought him, dancing through the ashes of winter. The heightened senses and the feeling of his paws bouncing across the land until winter ended and he was forced to just be himself again. So much less against the feeling of his active blood.
He remembered finally boarding one of those new ships the grand cities had forged and leaving his home forever. Never seeing a ferien again until the end of the memories.
Darkness again. What else did he remember?
--- FORA ---
The sky was getting lighter.
That always gave me hope for the future, a strong feeling of resilience that poked into my mind against the floods of sadness I’d been so prone to ever since the Silvi barrier.
I’d like to say I was strong enough to simply push past the pains and losses, but it was still hitting home just how much I’d missed. The chance to be normal, the small and simple moments with those I’d cared about. Aneles was gone, Raia was gone, even that dragon who was almost too thoroughly scrubbed from my mind was probably gone.
That sunrise stirred my mind, tired from the nightmares and weary from disuse. It reminded me that I had to look to the future. I had to make sure I could one day be happy.
That’s all I needed really, in order to get up out of bed and make my way down the stairs.
I wanted to feel happy for accomplishing so much, but all I could feel were the flashes of blood, the battlefield of ash, and the queen of the dragons ripping my throat out. I couldn’t help but remember the face of the other dragon, the one who seemed like he’d wanted the world to be better.
Contradictions upon contradictions.
A big part of me wished I’d been able to keep the mask of Eliax on for longer, wished that I still had that protection.
I instinctively strengthened my mental barriers as I descended the stairs. Wondering how much longer it would be before I was strong enough. I was supposed to be strong enough. I was supposed to be able to do anything I tried for. I was supposed to be able to look at myself and to see someone who could accomplish what I needed her to.
But I couldn’t. I was weak.
“Am I…weak?”
“How old are you, my friend?”
“Eight. I’m eight.”
“Well, a kid like you shouldn’t think about that. You can only get stronger from here.”
I felt my jaw tightening. I was supposed to be better than this. That was the conviction that took me down to breakfast, that was the conviction that took me out of the house and to the Ayfel.
I stared at Aymiae, finally really seeing that stark difference between the kid I remembered and the woman that she now was. I’d missed so much.
She seemed rather confused at the early hour I’d barged into the Ayfel, but ultimately not angry. This was at odds with how I remembered her, but it matched mostly with how she’d presented herself last time.
Aymiae smiled at me, her crossed eyes examining what felt like my soul itself from two different angles. “What brings you to the Ayfel, miss Eliax?”
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I sat down at one of the benches. This main room had been where Raia taught us, the bench was newer, but the feel and layout was the same. I fidgeted for a moment and finally sat differently, my feet up on the bench and my legs crossed like I was sitting on the ground.
Aymiae tilted her head at me and sat down on the bench in front of mine, neatly folding her hands in her lap.
Sparks it was so strange to see her this old. It was only around forty, but it felt like yesterday when she’d been barely ten, when I’d last seen her, over thirty years ago as I took my last steps away from the Ayfel. Had I…really not visited after that? I should have.
I sighed, taking Eliax’s notebook out from my bag, “I figured I should tell someone. I don’t know what I’m doing, I need help, and you’re the only person I can think of who knows most of it already.”
Aymiae frowned, “Alright, what is it you need help with?”
I cringed, she was so nice now. More pleasant. I think I remember wishing she was like this way back when I was Fari. Would she go back to her usual irritable self that had it out for me with every step? I hoped not. I hoped that now that I was different, she would treat me differently as well.
I opened my mouth, still not meeting her eyes, funny how I still didn’t know how to do that. “You know how last time I was here you said I remind you a bit of Fari?” I closed my eyes, “For as long as I’ve been alive, I’ve had these…memories. I remember being older, I remember this city like it was yesterday, I remember the Ayfel being filled with little girls, I remember the palace being cared for and when the city guard was the strongest in Melor.”
I opened my eyes hesitantly, “I remember so many things, and for a while the more things I remembered the more I was sure of it, until I came here and I knew. I was Fari. I was Foralen dei Imal, the stupidest most shortsighted Tuvei who ever lived. I didn’t deserve any of what was given to me.”
Aymiae was staring at me, I didn’t look at her long enough to find out when she stopped, I simply stared down at my notebook, hoping against my pessimism that this might somehow end well. I really didn’t want to expect it to, but I was prepared to teleport out of here at a moment's notice, my eyes flicked toward the runes floating about in the air every couple of seconds.
Aymiae blinked slowly, her face morphing into a frown, her brows knit together, “That’s…a wild claim. Why should I believe it?”
I stared at her, more surprised that she wasn’t just discounting the idea out of hand. She was listening. Sure she was doubtful, but this was a lot more than I’d expected to get out of her. “You’re asking for proof?”
Aymiae nodded, “Tell me something that only she would know.”
I scowled, my mind racing for ideas. Sparks, I’d never been close to her in the past, I’d grown up with her but that was it. “That’s completely unfair, how am I supposed to think of something right now?”
She tilted her head, “You have nothing prepared?”
“Well yeah, you hated me, I didn’t expect to get this far.”
“I-” Aymiae started, and then frowned again, narrowing her eyes at me, “Alright then, when’s my birthday?”
I felt my eyes widen in panic and my mind began to race, when was her birthday, I knew it was in the middle of the year…probably the month Warrior? That meant this month. It was the thirteenth right now, but I felt like it was later in the month than this, Aymiae was watching me with a slightly amused expression on, as if just waiting for me to get it wrong.
She glanced at the glowing spell chronometer affixed to her wrist.
It’s after the 13th, but warrior only has 26 days, it’s before the 20th, because the mistress always had a catalog during the last week of the month and I would remember if Aymiae got to skip out on it… Mind racing, I glanced around the room, hoping for some clues if possible, but there was nothing.
“It’s ah…this month. Before the 20th but after this week?”
She blinked.
I blinked back.
Aymiae sighed, “Correct.”
“Oh! Really!?”
“No, it was yesterday.”
I deflated, “Sparks I’m an idiot, uh…Happy birthday? I know Aneles’s birthday was 23rd of Orine but I guess I never tried to remember the exact day for yours since Lady Raia always celebrated everyone’s together.” I put a hand to my head and started muttering incoherently for several moments.
Aymiae finally interrupted me. “How?”
I blinked, glancing up at her, “What?”
“How is it possible? You died. Everyone was sure that you died.”
“W-what?” I sputtered, “I thought you still wanted proof-”
“You gave me all the proof I needed, Fari would never remember my birthday and I didn’t expect her to.”
I scowled, but she had me there. I sighed after a moment, “I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I know I died though. I definitely died. I remember being torn to pieces by a particularly angry dragon. Then I remember waking up twelve years later as a child in the middle of the Sanarian desert.”
Aymiae stood up and started pacing. I didn’t blame her, I was dragging her into something she had no reason to help me with. “So as far as you can tell, you were reborn?”
I nodded. “It took me ten years to figure that out from a whole load of jumbled memories, but yes.”
She stopped suddenly, staring me dead in the eye, “I’m glad.”
“What?”
“I’m glad that you’re here now. I can finally apologize.”
“For-”
“For not trusting you. You deserved to serve under Yumorath, you deserved my brother, you deserved everything. I was just too stupid to see it.” Aymiae smiled and inclined her head toward me, giving the sign of the angels.
That was the gesture reserved for those one respected beyond anything. I’d only ever given it to Lady Raia and Estin.
I closed my eyes and slumped down on the bench, letting my feet fall to the ground. “I don’t deserve that, Aymi. I don’t deserve anything. I let him die.”
“But you saved everyone else from war. You single handedly won the queen the last battle she needed to claim the throne in full. You-”
I shook my head. “That wasn’t me. I just happened to be there. My master - the dragon, he gave me an amulet that could protect me from the effects of the spell that killed them all.”
“It…wasn’t you?”
I shrugged helplessly, “That kind of magic is impossible for a mortal.”
“Fari, who was it then?”
“Xien.” I whispered, “The queen of the dragons. She used her wish. I died trying to get revenge.”