--- Netun ---

Somewhere beneath the earth, resting from a long night of travel, Netun felt something strange in the between realm. It felt as if perhaps a kindred soul was awakening. It was hundreds of miles away, in the opposite direction he’d been traveling and it faded after just a second, but Netun felt a jolt of energy from it, invigorating his mind and soul.

He opened his eyes and parted the soil around him, rising from the ground like a monster might in a horror story. Netun pulled his large hat over his face and gazed in the direction of Melor.

It was across several mountains, beyond cities and countries, but perhaps…well perhaps one of them had followed his same way on their own? There was a distinct possibility to Netun that this was simply a regular person, but even if it was, there would surely be things he could teach them.

His red eyes stared toward the far off person, and after a moment of thought, his legs followed that gaze, step upon step.

Somehow he knew that this journey would not be wasted.

--- Fora ---

Snap.

Eliax watched weakly from the wrong side of a Silvi barrier. The golden runes danced in front of her eyes as the group on the other side hauled off Raendus with Niun following behind the procession. He looked…lost as he followed his unconscious brother.

Eliax would have cared, she would have been just as worried for Niun as she was for Raendus. But at the moment she was not Eliax. The person who was watching from behind those eyes was far more ancient.

When the memory was forced on her, it hit like a dragon lance, it was more intense and concentrated than any other memory that Eliax had ever gone through, it shattered her mental barriers, washing away the remains of the paint and leaving her mind bare for torture. All she could think was…I’m failing again.

I can’t get to him.

I can’t lose anyone.

Not again.

Which is… a feeling that no one really understands.

Once, there was a girl who looked at her life and said “I know exactly what this is and how to use it.” I used to think I was that girl.

But she isn’t real.

Aneles was just another guy really. He was nice, he made jokes sometimes, and whenever I was with him I felt as if the world didn’t have to make sense. I felt as if I could just be. Whenever I was with him I wanted that to be my eternity.

But life is life. He was the captain of the city guard when I foolishly killed the king. Afterward he was thrown into battle after battle with no say in the matter. Princes and their sisters ordering his battalion about, assassinating each other, staking their claims on land, and starting little wars.

And then something happened that no one even contemplated, they all thought I’d just wanted Steris to be Queen, but it wasn’t even me. A dragon used her wish and opened up the void, letting Aeinar consume the falling warriors.

I still don’t know why, but she clearly didn’t care who was in the way.

Neither did I, really.

There were a lot of deaths that day, I remember sprinting through ranks of soldiers that were melting from the inside, holding a sword that I didn’t even know how to use. I remember feeling the void tugging at my own soul but the two amulets I held kept me in place.

I remember swinging my sword at anything that moved, searching for him with tear-stained eyes that could barely focus. I remember getting to Aneles and falling to my knees, sobbing as his skin turned the endless black of the void and he faded away as I tried…and failed to simply give him the second amulet.

I remember living out the short time that was the rest of my life with regret as I sought revenge on the only person besides myself that I could blame. She was powerful, she was majestic. But the queen of the dragons almost fell beneath my might.

Almost.

I remembered her blood in the sand, red against the white, I remembered my own joining the puddle as she slowly got the upper hand, I remember dying as her claws raked at my flesh. I remember watching as she tore at my lifeless body even after it was clear I’d left it, leaving nothing but a corpse behind that she didn’t even bother to dispose of.

I remember watching it heal without a heartbeat to measure it by, I remember watching as the clock seemed to turn back, I remember being put back into that body years later.

Eight years old.

Scared.

Eliax.

She was a shield just like everything else, to protect my own mind from the things I’d subjected it to. I felt the metaphorical mask slide off my face as I finally viewed the person in my body as myself. I always have been. I didn’t know why I’d come back, I didn’t know how, but I was here now and I knew that I could save someone this time. This time.

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Eliax had cared, and so I would care.

I smashed my palms together, forcing myself through the Between realm as I remembered doing countless times before, back when I’d been Fari. I pushed the matter around me, the spatial distortion poping me from one place to another in the blink of an eye. A true gate. The Silvi barrier didn’t even notice it, the spell bypassing it without even a hint of effort on my part. I was extremely lucky that this Silvi barrier was the selective kind.

I was beside the fallen player a second later, shoving aside people. The realm of magic still surrounded me as I grasped at my meager healing skills and started the process of mending his exoskeleton.

There was blood. There was so much blood.

But my mind didn’t even try to pretend that it was paint.

--

The medical bay at Starsbane was crisp and white. Not the most white thing ever, mind you, it was a bit more cream colored with a hint of gray, but off-white was better for cleaning so we won’t disparage the nurses any.

The waiting room was just as white, though distinctly more gray considering the three Tuvei who sat there, projecting a depressed mood onto the world. Jiuhen, Niun, and myself, anxiously waiting for news of Raendus.

Most of my body hurt from running headlong into a Silvi barrier -really what had Eliax been thinking?- But that wasn’t my main concern. Bodies would mend, Raendus would mend, my mind would mend.

I’d been procrastinating this for so long, I’d been pushing against the idea violently since I’d first had it. Since…Eliax first had it. But I’d done something when I’d hit that barrier. It still hurt to think about most of it, but a good chunk of the blockage had disappeared. I could remember…just about everything. Though I had a feeling that any control over the nightmares I’d wrestled for over the past week was gone now.

So what was I going to do now? Eliax had wanted to go home after this step, back to Ceruleia and Estin, make sure the old bastard was still alive, that kind of thing. But I had some snooping I needed to get done. I couldn’t simply leave. There was something big that I was still missing.

And besides, just because I could see underneath the mask right now did not mean it would stay that way. I’d had that for ten years, blocking everything, especially my own conscience from accessing the deeper levels of my mind. Things like that didn’t simply puff away because I’d rammed into a particularly specialized magical barrier.

I nodded curtly at Jiuhen and stood up. “Let me know how he is later, alright?”

The flirtatious Tuvei blinked, “Eliax? Where are you going?”

I smiled, “Just settling some old thoughts, I’ll be back tomorrow if I don’t hear anything.”

I stopped beside Niun on my way out. He was dejectedly staring at the floor, his knee vibrating as he rocked back and forth in the chair. “Hey, It’ll be alright.” I tried, “They got to him on time and he’s super healthy so recovery won’t be a big problem.”

Niun looked up and met my eyes, which…still felt wrong, so I looked at the wall behind him. “Thank you, for those healing spells.” He finally said.

I tilted my head at him and folded my arms, “Do you need me to do anything? You might be here for a while.”

He grimaced, “Could you check on Jeref? There’s still a link between us even though I tried to sever it with five different spells, and he might try to get to me if I’m gone too long.”

I grimaced as well, though for entirely different reasons. That spot was ah…yeah I was starting to regret choosing it, there had been other places to send him. “I can do that. How long before it might become a problem?”

“I just check on him once a week, usually the first day, so you’ve got two days before he’ll expect me to appear.”

I nodded smoothly and turned toward the door.

“You’re different.”

I paused, glancing back at him, feeling a spike of alarm. Was my cover going to be blown immediately after making a huge leap of progress? “How so?” I asked carefully.

“More confident I think.” He paused, looking me up and down, “It’s…probably a good thing.”

I sure hoped it was. I just had to figure out who I was without that mask on. Not Fari, not Eliax. Me.

--

For some reason, I hadn’t expected anyone to come looking for me. This, in essence, was stupid on my part. Obviously Hivren and Illila would want to know what happened. Obviously Alsen would fret over the scrapes on my arms from the barrier and insist that I ‘bring her cast iron Wok next time!’

That woman had a cast iron Wok fettish and I had no idea how to feel about it. She’d taken Eliax into her storerooms once just to show her them, as if saying “here’s some weapons, you know, just in case.” If anything, that was the first place I was heading if there was a raid on the town. I was certainly taking one of the smaller ones when I had to pay a visit to Jeref in a couple of days.

Either way, people wanted answers. They’d heard rumors about the Echoball game, about the fallen player, and it seemed like everyone had heard a different story behind it. The two extremes were either ‘everyone made it up and none of the players were hurt.’ or ‘GIUM HIMSELF DESCENDED FROM THE LOST TOWER AND MURDERED ONE OF THE ECHOBALL PLAYERS.’

I was mostly glad that they were ignoring me, who had foolishly cast a gate in a very public setting and then used intermediary healing magic, which was one of the most finicky types for those without an affinity to learn.

I am an idiot. If you haven’t noticed.

I do things, I regret doing the things, I decide to do better things, and then all that happens is more stupidity. It’s a pattern you see. The sun will always come up, the dragons will always be salty jerks, and I will always regret everything.

I barely had the presence of mind to feel sad about that fact as I tried to undermine the gossip vines by giving everyone straightforward, general, facts.

Raendus broke his arm. He’s getting help. He will probably be fine.

I could only be thankful that no one was questioning any implausible abilities on my part yet, but I expected that to change once they chatted with Niun and Jiuhen. Someone would notice that something was off. That the facts didn’t line up.

Right?

They would notice that there was something wrong with me and do something. They would help me.

I found myself hoping that someone cared enough to see it, but that little voice in the back of my mind refused to really believe it could happen. No matter how much I wanted it to.