*HUECK*

I spit up a wee bit of blood into my sink, mixed with some grayish green phlegm, after a delightfully pleasant coughing episode.

Well, that doesn't look good. I pondered to myself, although I figured it wasn't worth bringing it up to the docs again. I mean, even with insurance, my last visit ran out of pocket over five grand. Why?

Well, other than doing a deep dive into the disparities of the US Healthcare system... lets just say that the bottom tier plans really screw you. And that was before we got hit by that interstellar truck.

And guess what! Things just went sooooo great.

"Dear Mr. Haggarty, The Unitfied HealthCare Alliance regrets to inform you that novel diseases related to the transfer of our consumers to Pluralis Alpha are not covered by your policy. We thank you for your continued patronage, and wish you the best in your recovery."

I read the denial email again on my phone, as it sat open on a small cabinet next to my sink. Right below it was my last email from them, kept in my email folder titled "Get Rekt", requiring I get additional testing and blood work done before they would approve any treatments for my new symptoms.

And, whelp, I guess I got lucky to get outta there with only five grand in costs. Just imagine if I took the docs recommendation and had an MRI or something else with our fancy shmancy tech?

Bah.

*Kliririririring*

My phone rang, with a little popup notification that someone was at the door. I coughed out another bloody loogie, before reaching my pale white fingers with their cracked and flaky nails over to clack the "answer" button. I had to poke a few times before it worked though. The damn thing always works first time for everyone else, but my fingers? Nah.

I wish we could just go back to dumb phones... with keys...

"Stupid shitty phone." I grumbled to myself as I herd the ding letting me know audio was running through. The video feed was pretty static-y though.

Don't tell me I need to replace the door camera now too? That shit's hardwired, with gigabit cable, on my home network! America getting shoved into who-gives-a-damn ocean shouldn't affect that!

"Siiiiiir, special deliverrryyy." A voice that sounded like a thousand-year dried mummy rasped over the intercom.

"Uh, what? What delivery?" I wheezed back, my voice still not quite recovered from my coughing fit.

"Speciaaaaaal." It answered, before I heard it shuffling off followed by an audible recreation of what one could only assume to be eldritch abomination noises. It was like somebody took the soundtrack of whale noises and blended it with every UFO noise known to man. Moments later, the camera feed clicked back on. And sure enough, there was a package at my door. A rather tall one at that, and fairly door sized.

God, I hope its not heavy...

With several audible clacks and snaps, I stood up straight and sauntered towards the door.

"In a friendly technological exchange with the Eltarian Empire, the United States confirmed that there is magic capable of rivaling our military technology. President McGannon reiterated his love of the Emperor and mused online that perhaps we should also adopt a similar..." I turned off my TV as I sauntered by. I was just sick of the news.

It was kinda funny at first. Russia got split off from Europe and Asia and was sent off to its own little corner of some other unknown massive ocean. All their troops in Ukraine promptly surrendered, as Europe got attached to some other continent somewhere else. But then one of the native countries got trigger happy, and kicked off both continents into a nasty war. Silver linings. Africa probably got sent to the other side of this super planet, as we still have no idea what happened to them. Probably near Asia now, I would guess.

The Aussies though? They popped up just off the coast of California, with New Zealand popping up dead center in the Gulf of Mexico. The weirdest part was South America being popped off from its border with Panama and attaching itself along the East Coast. Instead, there was a larger ocean south of the Caribbean and a new super continent that was home to the Eltarian Empire was put there.

So... to say things have been a mess lately is quite the understatement of the millennia.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

"FACK!" I shouted with a slight crunch. "Stupid, stupid wall corner! Stupid!" I yelled again, which devolved into coughing again. I had expertly managed to stub my pinkie toe as I rounded the corner to my front door, lost in thought as I was.

Guess I'm gonna have a new bruise for a while. Anyways, after taking another moment to profusely curse out my wall for jumping in the way of my toe and reminding it how it shouldn't have been there, I finally got to unlocking my door and hauling in the package.

I was greeted by a blast of very hot air, and the ambient sunlight the slipped into my patio made my exposed skin feel like it was burning slightly.

"Mommy mommy, look! Its a zombie! There are zombies now!" A little girl on the street hollered in excitement and pointed my way, while her mom looked at me flush with embarrassment. "Hush now, that's just Mr. Horace! He was all stretchy skin and bones before the... incident. Can you say 'Hello Mr. Horace' Abby?" The mom smiled quickly at her daughter, as she nudged her along.

"H-hewwo Mr. Horace, are you sure your not a zombie?" Abby looked at me with childlike wonder.

"Huuuuuuuuu." I wheezed, kinda like an elderly man's exhale. I'm only twenty-eight though. "Ya know, sometimes I wish I was a zombie. Maybe... Hrup.... this wouldn't be so hard!" I gasped and grunted as I lifted the large object just enough to get it over the threshold of my door, and tore the box slightly as I drug it indoors.

"Whew... You... have a nice day Miss Donna." I puttered from my thin red lips. Donna and Abby waved before I closed the door.

Other than the permanent dark circles under my eyes, it was the only part of my body that had any color. Even my hair was pale white, and the rest of it on my body was kinda translucent. I mean... if I shoved a flashlight onto any part of my body, not just my hand, I could see the shadow of pretty much anything in it.

With some effort, I managed to drag the package into my living room. Oddly enough, it seemed to balance itself upright quite well and the package did feel like it had an aversion to being anything other than vertical.

On closer inspection, safe from the heat of the day and the cruelty of that thing called "The Sun", of which there were now two of those dastardly things, it was quite clear the packaging only looked like classic cardboard on its surface level. Shoving my face closer, something about that cardboard seemed... well... alive? And...

"BLEGH!" I covered my nose. Rotten eggs? Really? If it smelled this bad with my pathetic excuse for a nose, then I could hardly imagine what it would smell like to others.

With much trepidation, I grabbed my Hello, Kitty box cutter from a storage cup on my table and proceeded to cut open the package. I was startled at first, as it seemed to groan in patent enjoyment. Then, I was patently flabbergasted when it fell open.

"Thank. Youuuuu." The package moaned. And within it stood a door in a skeleton frame. I just had a door delivered to my door. Why did I get a door? Who sent me a door? And why is the door so creepy? Its like something from some fantasy labyrinth mixed with graveyard necromancer vibes.

Did I get pranked?

My thoughts were suddenly interrupted again, as a voice sounding much like Richard Nixon with a mouth full of tentacle horrors belched out, very quickly, "This delivery was brought to you by Cthulu Delivery services, the best pan-dimensional delivery service in all the realms. We do not accept returns. If you claim your delivery was not to satisfaction, please report to our consumer department where we will... process your brain for fraud. Bwrrrrrr!"

The Eldrinixon, as I decided to call that voice, made an odd slurping sound right before he said 'process'. I made a note that I probably shouldn't make any complaints, as something... definitely seemed off here.

Then I felt it... what started out as an itch in my throat grew, and it grew to infuriating level with sudden, striking speed. With a heave and before I could cover my mouth, I coughed with enough force to launch another splotch of bloody, greenish yellow phlegm right onto my new door. It plopped all over the door handle, and covered it so thoroughly that I would need to get right into the cracks to clear it all out.

I grumbled some additional profanities as I plodded towards the table, and yanked off a piece of paper towel. I glowered at the door, and the package, which both seemed to be taunting me.

Not that they could tell the difference. After all, my face apparently only screams "dead man." Miss Donna is the only person who seems able to tell my expressions apart.

Not that we talk much. A girl as pretty as her? Even fresh off a divorce... I ain't got a chance. I angrily cleaned at the mess I made on the door handle, which shoved the door open. And then, my mouth gawked open wide enough I could hear my jaw creak at its hinges.

Through the door was a very large room, with a very large bar and numerous doors all over the place, popping open and closed. To the left of the bar was an ornate set of doors, with a large neon sign that read MAIN BAR, and on the right was a set of equally ornate doors with sign that read DANCE FLOOR.

The floors were like a giant chess board of black and white marble squares, worn down well over time. Statues of gargoyles hung around, and dusty golden chandeliers hung low off the ceiling. The lights on them, though, were fairly soft as it were. Mainly because the lights came from the skull-mounted candles.

And finally, shambling out of some of the doors, or proudly striding/meandering/stalking/floating/etcetera-ing, were all manner of undead creatures from zombies, to banshees, to vampires, ghosts, ghasts and liches.

It was only then that some words formed onto the door, sitting comfortably ajar.

It simply read "The Afterlife Bar and Club".

Then, a door next to mine opened, and out of it crawled a rotting zombie missing his entire lower half munching on something akin to brains.

The Hulk Hogan voice was the last thing I expected out of it though. "Heeey Brother! You look new here! Man, you're lookin' a little worse for wear there brother. Tell ya what, I'll treat ya to something at the bar. You look like you need it. How 'bout it, brother?"

"Hueck." I coughed out something gross and slimy, which plopped right on the floor.

But... But... I'm not dead yet!