CHAPTER 15 - OUTDATED BY THE VIRGIN CARD… OR NOT?

[Would you like to rename ‘Unnamed Sentient Potato’ as {W-w-w-whaaat}?]

‘What? No? Why would I-’

[Would you like to rename ‘Unnamed Sentient Potato’ as {Why would I}?]

‘No. I said no.’

[Would you like to rename ‘Unnamed Sentient Potato’ as {I said no}?]

‘No.’ I hissed and looked away from the screen frustratedly. I needed to concentrate to answer my questions.

How was this potato talking? It was sentient- that was obvious enough.

How was it moving? Because it had somehow acquired telekinesis, though how it had acquired it and why were two other questions.

I sighed and stared at the floor. This was getting annoying. Real annoying. Just why in the hell had it happened now? Wasn’t the chance for a sentient potato supposed to be less than one percent? Also, why was this one so damn annoying? As I was thinking, I could feel it rubbing against me and cooing; ‘Mama, mama.’ I’d thought the sentient potatoes I produced were supposed to be something like my servants.

Now that I thought about it, I wondered whether these ‘sentient potatoes’ would listen to my commands. I mean, they kind of had to, right?

‘Alright!’ I told myself, facing back towards the little e-potato that was still trying to hug me.

‘You.’ I said in my most commanding voice. ‘Stop hugging me. Stop calling me ‘mama’. Move a metre away from me.’

A moment passed.

She didn’t stop.

Was it because she didn’t know the term ‘metre’?

Bah, of course not. Even if she didn’t know what ‘metre’ meant, she could’ve still gotten the FUCK off me.

I exhaled slowly, calming myself down.

Once I was in a relatively less angry state of mind, I turned to the unnamed sentient e-potato. I really had to find a name for her soon.

As I observed her, I found that, instead of being the exact same colour and shape I was, she was a little bit smaller with more of a pinkish tinge on her skin. Also, the blemishes on her skin weren’t as dark as they were on mine. I didn’t think I’d ever say this- especially not towards a potato, but she was kind of cute in a way. For a potato, at least. Because most potatoes were ugly. Excluding me, of course.

‘Hey. You understand me, right?’ I said to her as gently as possible.

‘Mama?’ She stopped rubbing against me and moved a step away.

‘So you do. I knew it.’ If she wasn’t going to follow my orders, I’d just have to approach her as a child, instead of a servant. ‘I’m not your mama. If anything, I’d be your papa instead.’

She paused momentarily and I swear I saw her sparkle with joy.

‘Papa!’ She squealed in delight, and jumped on me again.

I groaned. How did I ever manage to have a child whilst still being a virgin? It was all the negatives without any of the positives.

Once again, I’d been unlucky enough to receive the short end of the stick.

This was going to be a long day.

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“You’ve got a what?” The seven shouted in unison.

‘Like I said, this e-potato here is alive. She acts like a child.’ I sighed.

For some reason, I thought that showing ‘Unnamed Sentient Potato’ to the others would help. I honestly didn’t even know what I was thinking back then. One talking, moving potato was enough. They already had a hard time accepting me, after all. How would they treat a second one- which was super annoying?

Hey. Now don’t you go getting any ideas into your head. It wasn’t like I cared about her or anything.

“It’s a she? How do you even know its gender?” Kearan asked disbelievingly.

Of course. Trust Kearan to ask stupid questions like that.

‘Papa, who are these people?’ The ‘Unnamed Sentient Potato’ asked me cutely. Somehow, she’d managed to learn human language in the span of less than ten minutes. She still insisted on calling me ‘Papa’ instead of Master June like I’d instructed her to, though.

‘These are my… friends.’ I replied after a moment’s hesitation.

‘Friends?’ She raised her voice excitedly. I swear, if she had eyes, they would be sparkling in delight.

‘Yes.’ I sighed irritably. ‘Don’t make me repeat myself.’

“Can I hold her?” Verity asked, a little bit embarrassed.

‘I mean… sure?’ Why would she even want to?

Verity scooped up ‘Unnamed Sentient Potato’- gosh, I’ve got to find a name for her fast, I don’t think I can keep calling her ‘Unnamed Sentient Potato’ any longer. Anyways, back on topic.

She scooped up the potato and poked it gently with her finger, like it was some kind of baby. “Hello there, cutie pie. What’s your name?”

‘Name?’ I heard her reply, confused.

‘She doesn’t have a name yet.’ I answered for her, using telekinesis to float up to where Verity was holding the e-potato.

“How about we name her ‘Peanut’, then?” Winter asked, stepping closer to get a better look.

What kind of name was Peanut? She was a bloody potato, for goodness sake!

But before I could voice my complaints, the bickering had already started.

“Hey! No fair, you can’t just put dibs on naming her like that! Peanut is a stupid name, anyways!” Verity replied angrily.

Thank you! At least someone had common sense!

“Why don’t we name her ‘Bean’ instead?” She proposed.

What the fu-? That was even worse of a name than Peanut!

“Hey. Hey.” Mox spoke up, breaking off the intense death stares the two were giving each other. “Both of those names are completely irrelevant to this little potato’s identity. She should have a more righteous name, like… Arthur.”

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

Now this statement really threw the entire squad into a frenzy.

Arthur. Arthur! She was a female, for the love of god! Why would a name like Arthur suit her?

I fumed as I watched them spit out more and more unthinkably horrible names. It was hard to hear with the clanging of steel and shouting, but the name suggestions I caught seemed to get worse and worse. I heard a Kevin, Potato Girl, Baby June, even a Tree? Like, Tree? You’d name a potato Tree? How did they even come up with that?

Something told me those people were not right in the head.

Even Kearan, who usually chose to stay out of group conversations, had a word in.

I sighed and rolled myself into a nearby stone many, many times. How had I called such stupid people my friends? Just being around them was making me lose brain cells.

‘Papa? What’s wrong?’ ‘Unnamed Sentient Potato’ floated next to me. Her control over her body was so strong, she could fly for an indefinite amount of time.

I sighed once more and stopped banging my body into the rock. ‘What’s your name?’

‘M-my name? Aren’t you supposed to give me one?’ She asked innocently.

‘Yeah.’ I admitted. ‘But I don’t know where to start. I’ve never named anyone before. I don’t even know what kind of name would suit you!’

‘Then… Why don’t you name me something that I remind you of?’

‘That’s-’ I began, ready to tear the idea into shreds. Until I realised that wasn’t too bad of an idea.

I focused on her body, looking over every inch. There was nothing she reminded me of- except my other e-potatoes. The only interesting thing about her was the pinkish tinge of her skin, which kind of reminded me of my prized cherry blossoms.

Which… weren’t mine anymore.

Besides, it wasn’t like I could call her ‘Cherry Blossoms’ anyway. First of all, that was much too long of a name and second of all, did I really want to be reminded of my loss everytime I called her name?

Answer; no.

On the other hand, I could call her Blossom. But that didn’t really work- since a potato named ‘Blossom’ was almost as bad as a potato named ‘Peanut’. Better, but it didn’t really suit her.

Cherry wouldn’t work either. She had nothing to do with cherries except the pinkish colour and round shape she shared.

But if not that, then what? What kind of name would suit a pink potato girl? I didn’t even think pink potato girls were even supposed to have names in the first place.

I sighed. I couldn’t be bothered trying to brainstorm any other names. Maybe ‘Cherry’ wasn’t so bad, after all.

‘Hey. How do you like the name ‘Cherry’?’ I asked as nicely as possible.

‘I love it!’ She immediately replied, jumping onto me again.

Something told me that she would have acted this way no matter what name I suggested.

[Would you like to rename ‘Unnamed Sentient Potato’ as {Cherry}?]

‘Yes.’ I confirmed.

[‘Unnamed Sentient Potato’ has been successfully renamed as {Cherry}.]

Phew, now that this naming business was over, I could finally move on to-

Screeeeeee!

The piercing screech silenced the bickering that was still going on between the party members. They immediately halted whatever they were doing and dashed outside, already drawing out their weapons. Damn, they acted fast.

“It’s a Kleinal Eagle! Verity, get your bow!” Kearan shouted, pointing towards where it lay against a rock, on the other side of the campsite.

I grumbled from inside the tent and reluctantly floated outside, wondering what all the commotion was about. Couldn’t they just kill the monster? It only sounded like one.

With Cherry trailing closely behind, I exited the tent and scanned the area around, only to find… No monsters? Was it out of my area of awareness? Or had it run off? What were they worrying about?

But that screech sounded so close…

‘Papa! Papa! What’s that?’ Cherry asked.

‘Well I don’t know, because I can’t see… it?’ As I turned around, Cherry was nowhere to be seen. ‘Cherry? Cherry! Where are you?’ I wasn’t worried, I was just… ok. Fine. I was worried. Happy? She was my first child after all, whether or not I had wanted her in the first place.

‘Papa! Up here!’

I flicked my vision upwards, only to see something that no father should ever have to see.

Cherry had flew up at least three or four metres upwards, getting closer and closer to the monster that was the klienal eagle every second. It was something like a griffin, with the head and body of an eagle, only double the size and four taloned legs instead of two. Rippling muscles covered its body, furless patches on the underbelly revealing a green glowing liquid substance that was most likely poison.

It was close to the ground.

But even closer to Cherry.

‘Cherry! Get down here!’ I called frantically. I couldn’t lose her like this. Not when I just named her.

‘What’s this thing, Papa?’ She asked again, continuing to fly closer to it. Her voice was starting to sound more distant in my head.

‘Cherry!’ I shouted, practically screaming. ‘Come down! Don’t go near it! It's dangerous!’ My limited telekinesis wouldn’t be enough to reach her at this distance.

‘Papa, I can’t hear…’ Her voice trailed off as she left the range of mind speech.

No.

Not like this.

I had to save her.

Somehow.

‘Kearan, we need to kill that thing!’ I said to him, who was a few paces in front of me.

He turned around. “Oh. June. It’s just you. Don’t worry, that’s a weak monster. It’ll only take Verity about three or four shots to shoot it down.”

Three or four shots? That was too long. Cherry would be torn to pieces in an instant.

My gaze rested on Verity, who was prepping her bow.

‘Verity! Verity!’ I called, rolling as fast as I could towards her.

“What?” She asked without looking at me, raising her bow. “I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m a little busy at the moment.”

‘Cherry! Cherry’s up there! You’ve got to shoot the eagle down now! In one shot!’ I begged desperately.

She sighed and shook her head before attaching an arrow to her bow. “Are you kidding me? One shot is impossible.”

I bit my non-existent lip and stared back up at the sky. Why hadn’t Cherry listened to me? Why did she-

Speaking of Cherry, where was she?

And where was the eagle?

The sky was empty.

I felt my heart turn cold. If that damned eagle had eaten up my poor Cherry and ran away, I would have its head on my wall.

‘Papa! Papa!’ A familiar voice called from my right.

‘Cherry?’ I asked disbelievingly. ‘Cherry, you’re alive?’

‘Of course! Look what I found!’

I turned around and saw the rest of the party members circling around the place where Cherry’s voice was coming from.

“No. Fucking. Way.” Raul said breathlessly.

What were they so amazed at?

As quick as my potato body could carry me, I crossed over to them. ‘Guys, what’s going on?’ If Cherry was hurt…

“See for yourself.” Kearan said sharply before moving away to let me see.

Screee! Screee!

‘Papa! Look! What’s this called?’ Cherry asked brightly, bouncing on the kleina eagle happily. The bird’s face was buried in the ground as it screeched in anger. Its wings flapped uselessly, blocked by some invisible force. It was scrunched together like a doll and pressed against the ground like Cherry weighed a thousand kilograms.

‘Ch-Cherry…’ I began slowly.

‘Yes papa?’

‘D-did you do this?’

Instead of replying, she just shouted out; ‘My friend!’

‘That’s not your friend, Cherry.’

‘Yes it is! See papa!’

The bird’s neck suddenly contorted and spun around in a half rotation with a sickening crack. Its lifeless eyes stared at Cherry blankly.

Suddenly, the body relaxed, and the invisible force weighing down on it was gone. It lay there, defeated. Completely and utterly dead.

All I could do was gawk in disbelief, just like what the rest of the squad were doing.

‘Papa?’ Cherry asked, her voice no longer radiating joy.

‘Yes, Cherry?’

‘I think I broke my friend.’

‘I-it's ok, Cherry.’ Was all I managed to say.

At least now I knew one thing for sure.

That this little potato was not to be trifled with.