“We are totally screwed,” Cam groaned and threw himself back into his seat.
In the review mirror, Mogwai fixed him with an amber glare, “If you stain my seats with your gross fur oil, I’ll make your hide my new seat covers.”
“It’s not grease, it’s a form of lanolin. It protects my skin and hair from the elements,” he replied as he ran his hand over the fur on his arm.
Mog and I shared a confused look, then I turned to Cam confused, “what, are you part goat or something? I dealt with the Chort, and It took two washes to get that smell out.”
“Okay, everyone,” Catherine forced a laugh from across the smart phone screen, like only a bemused mother could. I mean it was all the right tones, and none of the humor. If anything, it was the tone of long suffering, and apparently, we were adding to her torment.
“Now, let’s all put on our listening ears, and get focused!” she added so cheerfully, that none of us knew what to do but shut up.
“The mūmiyâyī is really important to making your talisman, but just a little won’t do,” she said, but then frowned when we all gave her a blank look and sighed heavily.
“The mollified man honey, mūmiyâyī?” her eyes drifted over all of us for a hint of a smart-ass remark, but we all kept quit. We had come to understand that Felix’s girlfriend wasn’t just a Wiccan, or pagan witch, she was a boiling cauldron in a dark forest next to her gingerbread house, witch.
Which was why even Camden had managed to keep the smirk off his face at the use of the phrase “man honey,” but just barely. Instead, we all just sort of nodded and tried not to look at each other or we would burst out laughing.
For a long moment Cathy did little more than take us in, then with an annoyed shake of her head she grabbed a bottle of tequila from off screen and poured herself a margarita. After a moment we managed to contain our mirth and once more she managed to force a smile on her lips and looked into the screen.
“The MI-Go is from the same realm between realms as the Night Gaunt, which is why they can have an effect on each other regardless of what realm they are in,” she said causally as she started flipping through what looked like a very old cookbook.
Bottom light from the phone Mogwai looked as perplexed as I, if a little sinister. “Wait, realm between realms?”
Cathy glanced up from her book annoyed, then her expression softened as her brows relaxed and mouth softened, “I forget how new you are to all of this, sweetie.”
I could tell from the start that Cathy was a nice lady, even if she had the whole, “Eat some more candy, kids you’re too skinny for thanksgiving,” vibe sometimes. More and more she reminded me of Kitty Forman, from that one show about the family from the 70s. Caring but kind of at her wits end with most people. But just then I could tell there was a lot of compassion in her as well.
“If you think about reality like a 100-sided dice, - “
“Rhett doesn’t play games.” Mogwai threw out there, then shrunk back as Cathy gave her a hard look.
“If you think about reality like a 100-sided dice, then the tiny ridge between 1 and 100 is where creatures like Night Gaunt come from. They aren’t part of the 100, or the 1, but are part of both at the same time. Now, think of this, the spaces like that touch every number on the dice,” she said but she really didn’t need to explain further.
What needed more explanation, was how was it that Felix’s matronly girlfriend knew so much about all of this? “I’m confused, how do you know so much about all of this?”
Cathy’s smile turned into a charming dimple and a slightly guilty laugh. “I really was just looking for a place to set up my business, turn the page in my life, you know?” she said with a serious expression on her face.
“The Plaza looked like a small place to set up, and Felix
was there, but so was Agent Smith,” her expression turned hard for a second, then lightened again.
“Smith wanted to harass me over past issues, but Felix was good enough to stand up for me, so we’ve been friends ever since,” she said and looked thoughtful for a moment before adding, “ I think it was my service berry pie that won his heart, if not the pie than I don’t know but soon after I was cuddled up to his massive chest and we were sharing our dreams… I had no idea a man could be so vigorous in bed at his age,” she was really warming up to the subject, but Mog and I weren’t having it.
The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.
“Hell’s Bells Cathy, I didn’t want to hear about your sex life! How did you get involved with the,” I waved my hands around, not at all sure what to call it.
“Oh,” she laughed gleefully and covered her mouth and nose until she hiccupped and laughed some more. “Then I guess you didn’t want to know he has piercings in his- “
“NO!” Mog and I yelled at the same time.
A twinkle flashed in her eyes even as the sly smile hinted at the corner of her lips, before vanishing. “Enough story time?”
“My poor mind! It’s damaged!” Mog cried and slid down in her seat with her tongue sticking out.
“Hell, yeah, just get back to what you were saying about nerds and gaming dice,” I said hoping that any image she just raped my brain with, would vanish.
“Oh, if you’re sure, she cackled, “I don’t mind talking about our affair, it’s very romantic,” she teased, but Mog was making faces like she’d been poisoned, and Camden just looked confused.
“Please, good god in heaven, if you ever had any mercy, please let her stop!” Mog said, her hand shaking as she reached up from the floorboard and grasped at the steering wheel like it was the only thing between her and the dark abyss.
Oh, okay,” Cathy chuckled again, but she started flipping through her witch’s tomb back to the right page. Once she found it her finger pegged the line she was looking or and her smile vanished from her lips “Like I was saying they come from a realm between realms, and they can slip back into it quickly, but as luck would have it, good or bad, this Mi-Go is here to nest, so for the moment it’s bound to stick around.”
“Good Luck it’s still here, and bad luck it’s going to murder us and use our bodies to incubate its eggs,” Camden chimed in.
Cathy’s eyes flashed up and like the page in her book, she pinned Cam with a wilting stare until he leaned back trying to melt into his seat cushion. “Its primary weapon is, of course, it’s sting, but it has a formidable bite as well. It will be highly territorial, so once it notices you are in the area, expect an aggressive defense against the invasion of its nest.”
“I don’t suppose anyone brought the bug juice?” I asked really freaking annoyed to be on death-wasp’s doorstep and again it was like we were hunting bears with BB guns.
“I have some Deet in my outdoors pack on the roof,” Mogwai said with the glee filled excitement of child remembering there are candies in their mom’s purse.
“I don’t think mosquito spray is going to help you that much,” Cathy said with a flat annoyed look.
Glancing away from the screen I took in the look on Camden’s face, then the excited and nervous look Mogwai was giving me.
“This isn’t like the Night Gaunt, is it?” I asked, feeling my heart trying to climb out of my throat.
“I mean, with that, I didn’t know how dangerous it was, I was like a drunk in a pickup rolling down a hill. Just freaked out enough to know things were going bad, but just fucked up in the head enough to roll with it, but this…”
“Oh dear, this creature is a nuisance compared to the Night Gaunt,” Cathy laughed and waved off any such notion. “This is more like hunting a Cougar, sure the Cougar is dangerous and could turn you in the prey at any second, but you have the fire power and brains. It will all be fine, just fine.”
“A cougar?” Camden paled and for some reason he grabbed his seatbelt like it was a security blanket.
“Don’t worry Camden, it’s the kitty cat kind, not the insatiable older woman kind,” Mog quipped, and for a second I could swear Cathy blushed.
Clearing her throat, twice, Cathy went on, “The mūmiyâyī will be found in the flower of flesh. You will have to fill up at least a half a gallon jar, and only get the pure stuff. It can’t be contaminated by other fluids, that is very important.”
“Sounds simple enough. Infiltrate the morgue hive, find the flesh flower, and steal its man honey, then escape without being bit, or stung,” Camden said, but the tone of his voice wobbled and stretched like a teenage boy asking a girl for a kiss.
“Now kids,” Cathy cackled again, “You also have to worry about their acid spit and venom, both are very deadly, not to mention the Chort that are likely to be guarding the place,” she grinned like she told us to be careful not to get our pants went in a thunderstorm.
Throwing up my hands in disgust caused me to hit Mog’s ceiling, “Is that all?” I said, trying to ignore the dirty look Mog was giving me.
“Yes, that’s all of it.” Cathy said, but her lips tightened, and I could tell there was something more she was itching to say.’
Cathy you’re sitting there looking like a chipmunk trying to keep nuts in her cheeks what else do you have to say old lady?”
Cathy chuckled and waved her hand, “Its nothing, nothing important.”
“Out with it, witch!” Mogwai ordered.
Once more Cathy blushed a little and looked off camera for a brief second, her eyes seeking privacy.
“Well, I could do a lot of things with that venom,” her hands came up defensively and her head shook as she warned us, “I’m not saying you should take any risk, “she cackled for some reason.
“But, if you happened to get the opportunity, I would pay you very well for even a little sample.”
I would say I sighed at that request, but in reality, I took a long breath and counted to ten. The last thing I needed was more danger, or even the thought in anyone’s head about rewards, and here was grandma gingerbread house, dropping gumdrops of temptation to my team.
“Not a chance Granny,” Mog cut in as the voice of reason, and shot back her coffee like it was the last word on the matter.
"Wait, why would Chort be guarding the nest? I'm confused," I said but everyone else was looking at me like I'd lost the plot.
"Sweet Wax," Camden said like a teenage boy condescending to a stupid adult who just wouldn't understand.
"Sweet Wax?" I said, then it clicked, "Is that the crap the Chort were on when they attacked us at the geek gathering?"
"Convention Center," Camden admonished with a shake of his furry head.
Mogwai grinned a little and nodded her head vigorously," Mi-Go's honeycombs are made of a substance intoxicating to the inhabitance of some Realms. It’s like their version of meth. If the Chort know it’s here, you can bet your bottom dollar they are guarding it like a motorcycle gang at a crack lab."
"It is highly valued in many places, as a drug, but also as an alchemical ingredient. According to Un-Natural World.com, Sweet Wax is as good as currency in the realm the Chort comes from. If they are there, and I am guessing they are, then for them this would be like the goose and her golden eggs," Cathy said with conviction.
"Does everyone know about this Website or what?" I was in disbelief. "Crack Headed Chort and a mission to steal candy from a demon murder wasp, unbelievable," I growled.
Cathy laughed nervously, and Mogwai looked away suddenly distracted by nothing in particular.
"Yep, totally screwed."