Consultation 60.

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“God, who was phone?”

“What?”

“Who was phone?”

“Do you mean, who was on the phone?”

“No. Who was phone? I mean exactly that.”

“You mean you didn’t fumble your words just now? You really mean ‘who was phone?’”

“Yes, that is correct.”

What kind of dumbass request is this even supposed to be? Is this some form of bullying? Wait, is it code for something?

Who was phone… who was phone… Ah. I get it! I totally understand. I understand that I have no fucking idea what the fuck this question is supposed to even mean! Is there some sort of deeper meaning? Am I being tested? By a mere mortal at that?

“Well, God? Who was phone?”

“Yes. Yes. Who was phone, indeed? I remember it like it was just yesterday. Who was... phone. Phone, was very mysterious after all.”

“Right? You get? Phone was phone. Very amazing. Much mysterious.”

I had no fucking clue what we were even talking about anymore, but I had no choice but to play along. I was a God after all. I should know all and I couldn’t slip up here and embarrass myself because of a little mortal like her. My pride wouldn’t allow for it. “Yes, that is right. It is as you say, Phone was phone.”

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

“I knew it! I knew God would understand me. My boyfriend thought he could cheat on me with Phone. As soon as I found out, I cut off dick and castrated him so he never be able to cheat on me with Phone again.”

“Wait, what?” I’d finally gotten a vague grasp on what this was all about.

“Eh? What is it?” She looked back at me in confusion.

“Uh… when you say Phone, do you mean something that looks like this?”

I took out my phone, used the search feature to search for the Phone app, and showed her the icon that showed the phone app on it with the word Phone beneath it.

“What! God was Phone!”

“No, I’m not Phone.”

“Then my boyfriend wasn’t the only cheater? Are you saying that Phone cheated on my boyfriend with God? Does that mean God has cheated on me as well by grandfathering?”

I facepalmed and took in a slow deep breath.

“No. Phone is an app, not a person.”

“An… app? What that?”

“App, short for application, you idiot. Have you been living under a rock your whole life?”

“Yes. In cave actually.”

It suddenly all clicked. She was quite literally a yandere cavewoman who’d been modernized after she slipped through time and gotten into a sexual relationship with a modern-day white-collar worker. It all made sense. She heard the voices that came through his Phone and thought it was a woman’s name when he tried to explain it to her. She thought Phone was a threat to her position. It was certainly a ‘very amazing’ device and without a doubt, to a cavewoman, it was ‘much mysterious.’

“Look, Phone isn’t a threat to your relationship with your boyfriend. You really don’t need to feel insecure over it.”

“I don’t? It’s not other woman trying steal my property?” She occasionally skipped words which made it obvious that she hadn’t fully perfected the language.

“No, it is not.”

“Oh, that great. I can tell boyfriend all forgiven then and have snu snu after sewing his dick back on.”

“Uh… yeah… you do that. I’m sure he’ll be overjoyed to be forgiven and have his dick returned.”

“Thank you, God. Meeting much appreciated.”

“Yeah… no problem,” but please don’t come back again. I’d rather not have to try so hard to comprehend the cryptic questions you have.