Consultation 46.

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"God I want to be yeeted harder and farther than anything ever yeeted before, please help me."

“You say you’d like to be... yeeted?”

“Yes. Farther than anything ever yeeted before.”

“Haaaaaah. And why per se do you desire such a thing?”

“Because I bet it will feel really good.”

To yeet, or not to yeet, that is the question.

I’ve really got nothing. I mean, if it was just that she wanted to be yeeted, that’d be easy enough, the problem was she wanted to be yeeted harder and farther than anything ever yeeted before. You’d need to be an existence on the level of supernovas, black holes, and galaxies in the universe.

“Your request is impossible.”

“What? What do you mean it’s impossible?”

“Even if you’re traveling at the speed of light, with your lifespan of, give or take, 100 years, you’ll die before you’re ever yeeted the distance you want to be yeeted. You’ve got to compete on a universal scale here. To be quite frank, you lost the moment the universe was formed. No mortal can out yeet the expansion of the universe while limited by the speed of light.”

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“What? No way. This can’t be…”

“Sorry, as a life counselor, there are times where I have to shatter people’s dreams as well. Your request is impossible for a mortal.”

“For a… mortal? Wait. Then… if I was immortal I could achieve it?”

“Huh? Uh… yeah, I guess so.”

“Then all I need to do is become an immortal, right? So there was an answer and you were actually testing me to see if I was truly worthy of embarking on this grand journey to be yeeted across the universe, right?”

“What?” Shit. I guess there was a way after all.

“Yeah… it was all just a test. Hahaha.” Naturally, that was complete bullshit on my part.

“Then, once I unlock the secret to immortality I should be able to make my dream come true, right?”

“Yeah…” What the hell is with this? Is it just a coincidence one of my recent clients wanted to achieve immortality?

“So, how do I achieve immortality then?”

“Well, you see... you’ll need to first find a certain woman in your world. She has shoulder-length silver hair and knows of the secret to achieving immortality. You’ll know who it is right away as she will one day make an appearance killing everyone in sight. Nobody will be able to catch or kill her. Once you find her, you will need to convince her to take you under her wing and grant you immortality. Though you should only attempt this when she grows bored with mindlessly killing people or else she’ll very likely kill you as well.”

“I see, so humans will face judgment day and I’ll be the hero to save the world by getting her to join me on my grand ambition to be yeeted across the universe?”

“Huh… yeah… sure, why not?” I covered my eyes with the palm of my hand and squeezed.

“Haaaah.” What a pitiful fate for the humans in her world, to be saved from extinction by a stupid chick who wants to be yeeted farther than anything ever yeeted before.

“What’s wrong, God?”

“Nothing, I was just a bit moved by your ambition that will save the human race from extinction.”

“Hehehe. It’s nothing much.”

“Good. Now please leave.” I don’t want to catch your stupidity.

“Alrighty then. Thank you for your guidance, God.”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever.”