Consultation 10.

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“I want to have sex with insects, but I can't get them to go in. How do I accomplish this?”

“Do you even need to ask me the answer to such a simple question?” I scoffed while shaking my head in disdain toward the overly simplistic answer to this particular question.

“An easy question? But this is something that greatly troubles me. It is the one great question I have mused over for countless years! I have even written several theses on the topic. Yet you’re telling me it’s an easy question! Are you making fun of me?”

“Of course not, I’m mocking you, not making fun of you.”

“If you’re so smart, then let’s hear it, God. How do I accomplish this great task that not even Einstein could solve.”

I looked at her with dead eyes and said one word, “Honey.”

The instant she heard my response she slammed the desk and stood up with a scary look in her eyes.

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“You… you dare say such blasphemy?”

“Bitch, that’s not the only answer. You could also get a queen ant and put it inside your womb. Other ants will come marching in like death troopers to send you over the moon reeling in whatever sort of degenerate pleasure you get out of it.”

“A queen ant? How could this…”

“It’s possible. Not just with ants. If you really want, you could restrain a queen bumblebee in a way it can’t sting you, then isolate a bunch of male bumblebees. Males do not have stingers and cannot sting you. You should understand the rest from here, right? Unless you’re actually an idiot.”

“An idiot… no way. Me? It can’t be. I’ve thought of so many different methods, but they all failed. Yet, you’re telling me there were such simple answers?”

“Occam’s razor, bitch. You should have heard of it. The simplest answer is oftentimes the right one.”

“This can’t be… all my years of theorizing… what was it all for? Why was I stubborn? Why didn’t I just ask God sooner.”

Her body swayed from side to side as she proceeded to leave the room. When she opened the door, she stopped for a moment and looked back at me. She said, “This isn’t over. I’ll be back in the future to challenge you again.”

“Challenge me? You’re like a child riding a bike with training wheels on. Come back when you’re no longer in diapers.”

Slam!

Ah… that felt great. I somehow felt refreshed. I couldn’t care less that the topic was what it was.