I sprinted to the location Lucanus described in the letter, his body was hanging from a tree. It was obvious that the death was suicide. I didn’t move to cut him down.

When I laid eyes upon the body, it felt as if something inside me broke for good. I felt so numb and so empty. I realized from the letter that I caused this. Not just this, I also killed Marcus, Claudia, Julius, and… Cassius.

I killed Cassius by being a bum. I thought teaching Cassius a couple spells would be good enough to do my duty, I was inactive and unprepared to do anything at all in case he needed to be saved. But I didn’t learn my lesson.

Lucanus was isolated by this world for his sexuality, and the things I said, the things I called him, everything only isolated him further. He needed a friend, he needed to get away from this awful war, but I kept him here and shoved him away emotionally.

There is no doubt about it, just like I killed Emilianus on the battlefield, I killed Lucanus. I am the rope that strangled him. I had the choice to send a fake smile his way, I could have taken him somewhere else, somewhere without war. He surely would have followed me. On top of hurting him directly, I did nothing to protect him.

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After staring at his body for maybe an hour, I finally cut him down and buried him properly. I spent a couple hours crafting a gravestone that I would recognize, then wrote the name ‘Lucanus’ in English. I will never forget this location, I am sure of it, but I still would like to be certain.

I felt as if I was choking, choking to death on nothing. I felt gross, odd, unsure, and many other things about killing before. Never, never have I felt guilt. Not in my old life, not this life. The floodgates have opened.

Every kind word, every time he asked if I was ok, every time he healed a wound, every meal he made, every time he visited. The memories rush into my head and I can’t stop it. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do.

No, I know I am doing what I am supposed to. I have a duty to avenge Cassius. That’s all I live for, it is unquestionable that this is the right path. But, that didn’t mean I had to kill Lucanus. It didn’t mean he had to suffer.

Even though I still have one eye, I don’t shed tears at his grave. I wish I still cried, but not all wishes can be fulfilled.

“Goodbye Lucanus, if there were an afterlife I would like to see you there. If I were to ever see you again, I would beg for your forgiveness.”

I turned around and walked away from the grave by the pond. My legs were shaky and my focus dull. Still, I managed to return to base. It took a week to get back to training, and a couple more to return to full strength.

I thought I would be glad to have him gone, but I miss him.