I ran as fast and far as my tiny legs took me, cutting through the woods and bushes into the darkness of the night, my skin cold, my wound aching and my heart heavy. Was it a mistake what I did? Did I doom yet another home by trying to be kind?

My mind repeated tonight's events with fury, it wasn't fair.

Soon I ran out of air, and I was forced to stop, I breathed with difficulty, my sweat freezing, and the gelid breeze cut my lungs and moved the rustling leaves as they fell around me in yellows and oranges.

The quiet days, the calming mornings, the routinary commodity, had been forever broken. I knew that the peaceful existence I'd enjoyed was gone, but what brought me the most anger, the most pain was that I had taken away that from Ismeina as well.

And now with my mind not worried about the pain in my lungs and the beating of my heart I could think. Remember that I had just killed two men, with my own hands and my heavy mind got filled with questions.

I felt the excitement cursing through my veins, the joy even that the killing had brought me, it was that cursed part of me buried deep within now poking its dark eyes through the hole in my heart, excitedly expecting more bloodshed.

But would I? Why would I?

For her.

Yes.

My brow contorted, I was afraid, I was terrified of my thoughts but the inner beast had gotten a hold of my mind and I knew that if I was myself I couldn't go back, even if she told me to stay away I was going to go back, of course, I was!

How could I leave her alone? After everything she did for me, for whatever reason she did. That smile flashed in my mind and I knew it, there was no way I would let her alone, I wouldn't let her be caught and I would fight again for her, I would kill again for her.

I bared my teeth in rage! As the decision was made and I closed my eyes for I needed to remember one thing before turning back, the cave, my first home.

And like white smoke from a burning forest everything else dissipated into nothingness, leaving behind what I seek, the path I took when I wandered, I saw my footprints perfectly as if they shinned with ethereal light.

But it wasn't all, the events of tonight seemed clear, more than they could ever be. I saw everything in minute detail as if were mere centimeters away. The armor of the guards, the way the handaxe was thrown, and even more than just visual details.

Everything started to make sense.

The smoke in the cave poisoned our eyes and burned our lungs, who else could make a mixture so precise of herbs and plants to be burned so we would leave the cave without killing us? The guard that lay on the ground blowing the horn, a poisoned dagger, of course.

Ismeina remained faithful to her beliefs even in the direst of situations and I...I...

The rage calmed and the urge to kill dissipated. Even from afar, I learned from her, I had vowed to never again let my inner monster take hold of me, and even if it meant rushing to her aid how would she see me? If I acted the way she had been expecting all this time?

No, I couldn't. I was thinking clearly now, I had to go back and make sure she was okay but I wouldn't present myself like an enraged creature, I would go back as the caretaker I am, seeking to protect the person who showed me kindness.

But first, the cave.

I ran again and with a path clear in my mind to follow every step I took was precise, and in no time I reached the river, crossing it paying no mind to the worryingly cold water soaking my fur boots. I escalated the cliff where I had once fallen moving from protruding root to sturdy rock.

Reaching the top I didn't look back, there was no time to waste and the path ahead was long.

Through the night I ran, pushing through my pain and tiredness with unnatural endurance granted by the nature of my quest. I couldn't go back empty-handed, hoping to defend her from those that would bring her harm with just my hands.

In the cave, there were weapons of war, protection for my body, and things that the humans wouldn't have bothered to gather.

And after who knows how long, I saw it. The skeletons of my brethren littered the rocky ground, torn apart by the beasts of the wild. And the heavy trunks blocking the entrance posed a challenge, but I no longer was a small baby.

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With strength and effort, I forced the trunks out of the entrance just enough so that I could squeeze. Once Inside I noticed how good my vision in the darkness was, for I could see even inside a place where the light of the moon and the shine of the stars didn't reach.

This putrid place of my birth.

My ragged breathing was difficult to contain, and I swallowed hard once I looked at the wooden crate, untouched from the last time I saw it.

A spear the perfect size for me, a small dagger on a leather belt I put on, and another leather belt, making it now two belts.

Lastly, I grabbed a hatchet, not big enough to be a handaxe and too small for me to grab with one hand. I remembered to perfection the motion of the guard's hand, so I was sure that if I were to throw this axe the aim would be fairly good.

The second belt had a holster for it on the back, so with a little difficulty I secured it, grabbed the spear, and squeezed out of the entrance. I took a few steps and kneeled on the ground, I had to rest or I would never make it back to the house.

I look back now, and I see the scorching flames of that night, ever since I woke up my life had been a struggle, the hunger, the pain, the distress, all of it because I wanted to live. Until I took that innocent life, then I wondered if staying alive was worth it, if your mind tormented you.

I still don't know the answer to that.

But I know that now I have a reason to be alive other than life itself.

My legs rested, and I hurried back from the path I took, noticeably slower than before, I didn't know how long it had been until the sun arose from the horizon and the beasts of the woods began to awaken.

Had it been that long? And I was just halfway through the woods by the time it was morning, the shadows of the night completely gone. Sheer will could provide many things, but my body was exhausted, no longer running but only capable of a quick jog I bit my lip and pushed through the pain and tiredness.

When I reached the river and looked up I knew that it wasn't long until the sun went down once again, I had been running for almost an entire day.

No, of course, I wasn't.

I could barely walk, let alone carry the weight of my spear, so I dropped it on the shores of the river. I still had a dagger and a small axe, and if the need arose I was certain that I could wield them.

Surely, my will would push me forward once again.

Surely.

It was in the half-awake state that I saw the tree trunk and noticed just where was I standing, it was the clearing where I had taken my first life, where I became a monster.

And there was no mistaking it, what I had done, conscious or not, was perpetuated with my hands.

"ROKAN!"

The memory of her screams would never leave me, and the meaning of that word would forever stick with me, onto me, within me.

"Rokan, you must leave!"

But then, she didn't call me that with disdain or fear, with hatred or animosity. Even long before when I was barely learning just a few words a day, she greeted me with that name, with my name.

I had almost fallen asleep, but no I wouldn't allow it. I forced myself awake, shook my head, and took a deep breath, I wasn't too far now, so I pushed forward.

The night approached, and the sky was tainted orange as I drew nearer to the house, from there I would go left, to where she ran, I would find her I am certain of it.

And as I got closer, I saw in the ground white spots, small, that turned to dust when I stepped on them, I grabbed one and realized it couldn't be snow.

Cinder.

My senses awoke, my heartbeat quickened and my tortured lungs and feeble legs reinvigorated, I ran again, with all my might, with all my strength.

And reached the house, or what was left of it.

Burned until the roof fell and until the stone was black and what little wood was left turned to darkened charcoal, I couldn't see the white smoke still raising in thin strands up to the heavens, I barely looked up.

As I walked near it I felt my heart sink, there was no home to go back to. Another place forced to be forgotten by the treacherous flame. I had a lot to apologize, a lot to be sorry for, but first I needed to find her so I readied myself and-

I found her.

How could I not see her? Was it the blackness of her skin? The rugged texture of it that I thought was just another wooden beam that had fallen? Oh, Ismeina. Not you, please.

I walked up to her, with trembling feet and a knot in my throat, she was sitting next to the broken table, like she often did when she taught me how to speak, and when I was made to stay by her side it was where she enjoyed sitting to eat her meal, drink her wine or simply, staring at the forest with longing eyes.

I wonder, were you waiting for your daughter to come out of the woods? Loving mother you surely...were.

Burned, turned into a blackened memory as her corpse sat on that chair. Empty sockets for eyes with a lowered head.

The sound of moving objects draw my attention elsewhere, and with a ghostly step, I approached what was left of her room. Was I in another trance? I couldn't tell.

But I saw the man moving burned furniture around, throwing it to the ground without a care as it splintered and broke apart, he was looking for something. Valuables? A secret? It didn't matter.

No, for that moment nothing mattered, if the darkness within had a voice, I could hear it mockingly laugh at me, for how foolish it is to deny your nature?

The blood dripped from my dagger as it stared at the now-deceased man beneath me. All my wrath, all my pain, all my guilt.

Released into a murderous rage onto the closest target, I failed you, Ismeina, and I failed myself.

I looked next to me and saw a small child, his pants wet with piss, all blood drained from his face as his horrified expression awoke me from the dream-like state I was in.

This time there was no sudden realization of what I had done, I remembered it all clearly, I wanted it because to be a monster is to do, not think.

And even if I thought like a human, I was a monster.

Everyone I had met, suffered.

So I left, back into the woods, back into where monsters live, to the wild, to the places where civilization does not dare enter. I was tired, I was so tired.

I wanted to sleep.