The tense atmosphere was dispersed by Benny returning from the treeline carrying a very much dead racoon, “False alarm” Benny declared and then shrugged, “But I found dinner.”
Artemis shuddered, still not comfortable with the whole ‘kill an animal and then eat it’ lark, which earned him an eyeroll from Benny. Benny began to help Artemis remove the skin as he usually did, and Artemis was beginning to think he was getting the hang of it.
Benny never ate anything due to him being a vampire and well… dead.
While they worked, Benny resumed their conversation from earlier, “Fairies? Time travel? You can’t leave me hanging Cher.”
Artemis tilted his head, “Now that you mention it, withholding information may annoy you” he smiled to himself, “which I generally enjoy immensely."
“You wouldn’t.” Benny said with faux horror, politely not mentioning the fact Artemis speech was slightly hesitant and in sets of five.
“Wouldn’t I?” Artemis smiled, a gleam in his eye.
“C’mon” Benny urged him. “You have to tell me that story, otherwise we wouldn’t be friends.”
“Tragic.”
“Exactly, I’m glad we’re on the same page. So, seeing as we’re actually great friends, you’re going to tell me.”
Artemis hummed to himself, amused, “Alright, but the compressed version will have to do for now.”
Benny shrugged, “Seems reasonable to me.”
“I found a book detailing the law and history of ‘the people’-as the fairies refer to themselves. As it turns out, the word ‘leprechaun’ comes from the term LEP reconnaissance; It’s a unit in the lower elements police. Thousands of years ago fairies were driven underground by humans, hence the need for a reconnaissance unit to venture to the surface-”
Benny took this moment to cut in, a grin on his face, “Do they actually wear those ridiculous green outfits with the belts?”
Artemis had always despised eye rolling but now he was sorely tempted, “Are you going to let me finish?”
“Depends, are you going to answer my question?”
Perhaps for the second time in his life Artemis Fowl rolled his eyes, “They used to, the old uniforms were phased out in the last hundred years.”
“Shame.”
Artemis continued, “Because the people were driven underground, they refer to their dwellings as the lower elements. Each officer in the LEP recon unit has a hostage fund of gold bars to insure them.”
Benny smirked, “Fairy gold? Hostage funds? I think I can see where this is going you devious bastard.”
Artemis couldn’t meet Benny’s eyes, “Fairies must rise to the surface to replenish their magic regularly in magical ‘hotspots’ by burying a seed of a plant in the ground, preferably during a full moon. When I was twelve, I waited at one of these hotspots with my bodyguard and captured an LEP recon officer and held her to ransom.” Artemis’ voice had become more morose at the mention of the kidnapping. “The house was under siege for hours. Well… technically it was over in a matter of minutes, the LEP froze time around the house. It all worked out in the end. I made a decent profit.” his voice took on a bitter edge, “That was practically all I cared about back then.”
Benny frowned, “And you parents were fine with that? Wouldn’t they have noticed something.”
Artemis felt his mood take a nosedive, “When I was ten my father went missing. My mother didn’t take it well to say the least, she sank into a depression. She was confined to her room and refused to come out, most days she didn’t even recognise me.”
“What’d you mean by ‘missing’. Did he just not come home one day?” Benny said
Artemis took longer to answer this question, still deciding how much to disclose, “My father used to own a less than… legal business”, ‘to put it mildly’ he thought. “In an attempt to adopt a more legal model he had a large amount of cola shipped to Russia. What he did not anticipate was the Russian mafia hearing about this and sinking the ship as it came into harbour, my father was onboard at the time.”
“Who looked after you?”
“My bodyguard, Butler, was more of a father to me than my actual father even before he went missing. The family fortune was all but squandered on my father’s foolish venture to Russia, so I wasn’t even able to pay him.” Artemis’ lip quirked upwards, “He stayed anyway.”
After a moment of hesitation Benny spoke, “He sounds like a good guy.”
Artemis’ smile was more noticeable now, “Yes. Yes, he is.”
Benny looked at Artemis something that seemed to close to pity for comfort, “Still, it must’ve been hard. Lonely too.”
“It was. It’s fine now, my father was found and recovered safely, and my mother is entirely sane again.”
Benny frowned, unconvinced, but said no more.
Dinner had been skinned by now and Benny was focusing on skewering it on a stick and tying the stick to a frame over the fire.
Artemis turned to Benny, “I know you don’t need to drink blood, but could you? You said that only your soul came here but you seem perfectly solid to me.”
“I am, for all intents and purposes, real. Yes, I can drink blood but there’s no need to unless I get injured too badly and even then, it would have to human blood. Non-human critter’s blood is edible, but it doesn’t do much in the way of healin’.” Benny grinned, “Why? Are you wonderin’ if I’m gettin’ snack-ish.”
Artemis kept his face blank, “The thought has crossed my mind.”
Benny frowned, “Is this just your usual level of paranoia or are you finally losing it?”
Artemis crossed his arms, “There was no need.”
“There’s nobody else here, someone has to mock how seriously you take yourself,” said Benny.
“How very selfless of you,” Artemis said sardonically.
“I’ve always thought so” Benny said with a grin.
“Are you capable of maintaining serious conversation for more than a couple of minutes at a time?” Artemis groused.
“I could” Benny seemed pensively for a moment, then shrugged, “but I won’t” he declared happily.
Artemis huffed.
Benny looked at him, amused, “What’s got you all huffy today?”
“I am not ‘huffy’” Artemis said with such gravity that it would make a grown man cringe.
Seemingly oblivious, Benny continued “Yes, you are, you just huffed.”
Artemis glared coldly, “I’m not huffy, I am merely exasperated, and that is because I am stuck in purgatory with a one-hundred-year-old child.” He said, rage apparent in every syllable.
“Huffy,” Benny smirked, victoriously.
Artemis’ jaw locked, “Can we please stop using that word, I feel that it’s undermining any attempt at serious conversation I might try to make.”
“You don’t need any help with that short-stack”, Benny grinned
“Very mature,” Artemis ground out, seeming genuinely murderous. “Would you mind shutting up for at least an hour because, frankly, you are extremely irritating. Your pathological need to inject humour into situations because you are uncomfortable is not only annoying but also pathetic.” He said, his tone harsh and without an ounce of jest.
At this point, the camp was filled with the mouth-watering smell of cooking and the sound of sizzling. A thought struck Benny, “Are you hungry?”
“Of course, I’m hungry but I don’t see what that has to do with—” Artemis froze, “Oh”.
“Yeah”
Artemis eyes widened slightly, “Oh. That’s probably it. Sorry.”
“I think what you are trying to say is, ‘sorry for being such a jerk, I was just grumpy and hungry.’”
A sheepish smile lit up Artemis’ face, “Don’t push your luck” His eyes dropped to a fixed point on the floor, “but yes, in summary. In fairness to me the sensation of anger is not dissimilar to hunger.”
Benny incredulity was palpable, “That was a truly terrible apology, I don’t think I have ever heard a worse apology.” He smiled “But I accept it.”
Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.
They both jumped when a curious mewing sounded behind them.
Staggering to his feet Artemis hissed in pain, turned then stopped, “Is that-?”
“I think so” Benny stood staring at the animal.
Artemis was still rooted to the spot, “how-?”
“Not a clue”
The cat sidled up to them and rubbed its face against Artemis’ good leg, purring happily.
Benny looked down at the cat, “Will it go off?”
Artemis rolled his eyes, “It’s not a bomb.”
“How would you know.” Benny hissed.
“Because it’s a cat.”, Artemis whispered.
Benny eyed the cat, “It’s in purgatory for a reason.”
“Someone could have just died with a cat in their arms.” Artemis shrugged
“I don’t think that’s how it works.” Benny said, looking unsure.
“However it works, that is still just a cat.” Artemis lowered his hand slowly and stroked the cat gingerly, as if it were a bomb. After a moment he relaxed and knelt by the ink black feline and stopped stroking it to speak ,which earned him a headbutt from the disgruntled cat, “See? Just a cat.”
Artemis settled back down by the fire wincing, as did Benny after a moment of uneasy shifting. The cat jumped up into Artemis’ lap and purred happily.
Benny turned to the skewer and tilted its head, “I think it’s burning.”
Artemis looked up to see his dinner flaming, “Shit, shit, shit.” he patted the fire out with his sleeve, “What is wrong with you? Why didn’t you put it out?”
Benny shrugged, “Didn’t want to burn my shirt. Hey, don’t look at me like that. It’s not my fault, it’s the devil cat. If it hadn’t distracted us, it probably wouldn’t have started burning.”
“You are unbelievable.” Artemis scratched the cat’s ears, “Don’t listen to him, you’re not a devil cat. In fact, I would say she looks like a…Bast. what do you think?” he asked the cat.
Bast released a satisfied purr.
“How do you know it’s a she?” Benny asked
“It just seems like a female.” Artemis lifted the cat up and peered at it, “Yes, I think it is.”. He picked at his food.
Bast pawed at his arm and released a forlorn “Meow.”
Artemis glanced sheepishly at the cat. He peeled a chunk off and covertly dropped it for the cat.
Benny rolled his eyes, “Are you feeding it?”
Artemis crossed his arms, “No.”
“I just saw you do it,” Benny said.
“Shut up.”
“I’m just saying it starts by feeding it then…” Benny faltered.
“And then?” Artemis asked.
“Something bad- the point is you can’t feed it. Then it won’t leave.” Benny scowled.
Artemis frowned, “What is your problem with Bast? She hasn’t done anything to you.”
“It’s a mysterious Black cat. You know what they say about black cats, they bring bad luck… or witches. Or… the bad luck comes from the witches? I can’t remember but it’s something bad.” Benny said resolutely.
Artemis stared at him “I cannot believe I used to find you intimidating.” He burst out laughing, “Seriously? A superstitious vampire.”
“I don’t like cats, sue me”, Benny said sullenly.
Artemis continued to share his food with the cat much to Benny’s chagrin until they were interrupted by a hissing.
It was a half dead ghast. Ghast’s were large bat like creatures that were harmless on their own but in flocks they could overwhelm anything with slashing claws and sharp beaks. The creature’s wing is broken and so it crawls closer.
Artemis sighed, “Can you go deal with that.”
“I’ll do it when it gets closer.” Benny said.
“Just do it now. I would prefer if the camp didn’t smell like dead ghast for the next few hours-”
They ceased they’re bickering to stare at Bast. She had leapt out of Artemis’ lap and grew larger and leaner, her teeth elongating into sharp knives of enamel. Her fur was black and gleaming her and her head reached past waist level. Bast the panther stalked towards the gast and began to rip it to shreds.
Benny stared in horror, “Jesus, she isn’t going to make it quick.” bits of gast went flying and the creature screamed all the while, “Devil cat. I told you. It’s a were-ca—”
“Don’t say it-”
“Were-cat. It’s a were cat,” said Benny
More chunks of gast sprayed into the air causing Benny and Artemis to cringe. Finally, the screeching stopped and bast transformed back into a cat and leaped back into Artemis’ lap, looking up at him innocently.
Artemis stared at the cat in shock, “That explains why she’s here.”
“It has to go now.” Benny announced.
“She only had to do that because you wouldn’t get off your ass and do it yourself.” Artemis countered, stroking the cat.
“Since when do talk like that anyway,” still thoroughly outraged.
Artemis paused, “It appears you have been rubbing off on me, so to speak. I must have been assimilating your vocabulary and speech patterns.” He shrugged “I don’t mind as much as I would have thought.”
“Will wonders never cease.” Benny said.
Artemis continued, “She was defending us, weren’t you Bast? She could come in useful.”
Benny sighed, “Fine, the were-cat can stay if you want.”
It was Artemis’ turn to be petulant, “I wasn’t asking.”
“Have you ever heard the phrase ‘don’t poke a gift horse in the mouth’?” Benny asked
Puzzlement and annoyance battled for dominance of Artemis face, “Well, no because the phrase is ‘don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’. Your version makes no sense, why would you ‘poke a gift horse in the mouth’.”
“Exactly my point. Why would you?” Benny said
Artemis narrowed his eyes, “I feel like we are having entirely different conversations here. Either way, I knew you’d come around.”
The discussion was rendered moot by the retreating footsteps of Bast.
Artemis tilted his head, “I think Bast may have only come to us for food.”
Benny stared straight ahead, “Yep.”
Artemis hummed, “Do you ever feel like some of the arguments we have are slightly comical?”
“All the time.”
Silence hung in the air for a moment, only to broken by the sound of their laughter.
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A month later Artemis was up on his feet and running to keep up with Benny.
“How many?”, Artemis asked.
“Twenty moving up from the south-east.” Said Benny, glancing behind him. “God, I hate were-wolves.”
“Yes” Artemis wheezed “I’ve always been more of a cat person myself, dogs drool far too much for my tastes.”
They stumbled into a clearing with a gurgling stream and an opening to a small cave. Benny held up a hand, “Stop. They’ve changed direction.”
They stood there panting. Artemis staggered over to the mouth of the cave and leant on it. He felt a pull towards the cave that was almost magnetic.
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Benny watched his friend with amusement. While his fitness was improving, Artemis still struggling to keep up which, coupled with the fact he had all the co-ordination of a drunk toddler slowed them down a great deal. Benny didn’t mind, the kid was funny and well meaning, despite being ever so slightly up his own ass.
Artemis frowned, “Do you feel that?”
Benny cocked his head to the side “What?”
Artemis’ eyes were still glued to the cave, “It’s like a magnet... pulling me in. There’s something…” Artemis stepped closer to the mouth of the cave and appeared to flicker out of existence.
Benny blinked. Artemis was gone… just gone. Benny turned round to look at the empty forest, “Artemis?” Benny walked into the cave and found nothing.
He turned back to the forest and yelled, “Artemis!”
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Artemis fell sideways for a moment, as if gravity had tilted on its axis. Panic began to claw at him when, instead of reality righting itself he continued to accelerate. Suddenly, the ground rushed to meet him, and he fell with a sickening ‘thwack’ on the cobbled floor.
The first thing to hit him, other than the ground, was the smell that wafted up from the burnt cracks in the paved floor. Its sulphurous stench invaded his senses and caused his eyes to water.
A wave of vertigo hit him when he attempted to stand, the world still feeling as if it was tilted on its side. The street was dark and deserted, lined with dingy buildings with worn soot covered façades. The sky was black but for the occasional sparks of red lightning that ran along straight lines crisscrossing the sky.
Benny had said that there were portals leading to earth, but he hadn’t mentioned any to Heaven or Hell.
This was not good. This was not good at all.
He searched his surroundings for the portal he had stumbled through but found nothing before belatedly realising that the portal would be several metres high in the air, even if it was a two-way door. Great.
He cursed, Stuck in Hell because he decided to sacrifice himself for the greater good. Oh, the irony.
He was too exposed here. Artemis looked around, what would Butler do? His eyes drifted to the roof. He strode down the street until he found an alley. No luck.
Two men with black eyes were walking in the opposite direction and quickly approaching. He walked with as much confidence as he could muster with his torn bedraggled Armani suit hanging off him, the mantra of ‘don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact’ echoing in his skull. They walked past him without so much as a glance and he relaxed. He could do this.
The streets ahead were populated by scantily clad men and women standing on street corners and sleazy looking suit clad business-people approaching one occasionally before walking off together.
Artemis passed three side streets before he found what he was looking for, a metal staircase. Five flights of stairs later he stumbled onto the roof.
Right, time to do what he did best, strategize.
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Zaphkiel walked through the bustling office, clutching the intelligence report. He was confronted by the two seraphs that guarded the corridor.
The seraph held out a hand, “Stop. Only permitted personnel past this point. Name and ID please.”
Zaphkiel let out a sound of frustration and fumbled with his badge, “I’m supposed to be on the list.”
The guard nodded to himself, “Reason for visit?”
Zaphkiel looked around, “This is important, I have a report, it is of the intelligence level thirteen. No-one can find out.”
The guards looked at each other, “Go ahead,” one said.
Zaphkiel took a breath before starting down the corridor to the most important office in heaven. This was quite possibly the most important thing an angel as low ranking as him could ever hope to achieve. He was a mere scribe; this meeting would be the highlight of his century.
He knocked on the inconspicuous looking door and heard a voice from inside call, “Enter.”
Zaphkiel walked in to see a woman with dark hair and a suit writing at a desk. Naomi spoke without looking up from her work, “What is it?”
Zaphkiel shifted, “I have just received a report about an anomaly. A living human has entered Hell.”
This caught Naomi’s attention, “How?” she asked, looking up and dropping her pen, giving the angel her full attention.
Zaphkiel wilted, “We’re not sure. But it is written, it is the first seal- we think” he scratched his head.
“Are you sure?” Naomi asked leaning back in her chair, hands steepled together on her imposing desk of pure white.
“Completely- I think.” The scribe read from the parchment he was carrying, “The living shall walk in hell and there he will meet the righteous man. It one of the conditions to break the first seal. This must be it.”
“Then why did you come to me with this?” irritation laced Naomi’s words. “Surely this is a sign that all is going to plan. The less this matter is discussed the better. We don’t need to be discovered now.”
Zaphkiel shifted, “He has not been apprehended; they seem completely unaware of his presence. I know that making contact with them is discouraged but in this instance, it may be necessary to accelerate proceedings.”
“How long has the human been in hell?” Naomi asked.
Zaphkiel swallowed, “Five days in hell time, an hour earth time.”
Naomi raised an eyebrow, “Impressive. Who is this human?”
“Artemis Fowl the second” Zaphkiel rifled through the papers he was holding, “I brought his file, it is rather… extensive.” He dropped a book sized file on her desk. Zaphkiel spoke, “There is still the question of what we should do, I am aware this is a risk but analysing his file I believe Artemis is capable of evading them for a long time, if not indefinitely.”
Naomi sighed, rubbing her temples “This happens every time. We always have to clean up after them, no matter how easy the task is. This was their plan.” She collected herself, “Very well, have Nathanael inform our contact.” Naomi waved him away before stopping him, “Oh, and do make sure that the contact is made aware that our patience is wearing thin. We can only make up for so much incompetence before the operation is uncovered.” And with that he knew he was dismissed.
Zaphkiel walked out of the meeting, his hands shaking. That was exhilarating, even better than when Uriel had called his filing system ‘useful’, two hundred years ago. He smiled broadly to himself before schooling his features into something more professional. He needed the other angels to take him seriously, he could act like this was no big deal.
Zaphkiel couldn’t control himself, he grinned, this was the best thing ever to happen to him.