Penny thought that things were going fairly well. Yes, she didn’t get an acting job as easily as she had hoped, and her apartment rent was crazy expensive, but the Cheesecake Factory was a decent job, she got okay tips, so she could afford it… barely.
Luckily, her neighbors weren’t creeps and let her use their internet… well, Leonard let her. Sheldon acted like a middle school girl with his petty asides, but that was water off a duck’s back to her. She did feel a little bad about how much takeout Leonard buys her, but she doesn’t even need to ask, and no one ever says anything…
Anyway, she wandered into their apartment, as usual, and someone new was there; a woman. “Hey guys.” She said casually, sizing up the new girl.
Before Penny could say more, the other girl stood up and smiled. “Ah, you must be Penny.” She said, taking charge of the conversation. “I’m Missy, Sheldon’s sister. I’ll admit to not hearing much flattering about you, but Shelly’s just like that.”
Missy spoke in a clipped, precise tone. It reminded her of Sheldon, actually. Which was weird to hear out of a girl’s mouth. It was only when she said her brother’s name that a southern twang entered her voice, inputting a world of meaning into those last three words. As someone who has known Sheldon for two weeks, she completely understood where Missy was getting at. “Well, I would be Penny, yes.” She said, smiling. “Are you visiting?” She asked.
Sheldon spoke up. “Missy’s been on an expedition for the University.” He said, “She’s the head of the Occult branch of the history department.” He was typically dismissive of the words ‘history department’, but something just did not make sense there.
“...You’re a magic nerd?” Penny asked incredulously.
Missy demurely gestured for Penny to sit in her usual seat as she fetched a second chair for herself. “I suppose one could say that.” She said, “It would be a more accurate summation of my job to be the person people call when they want to disprove an occult phenomena rather than prove one.” Okay that made way more sense. “It pays the bills, and lets me stay close enough to Shelly to bail him out of trouble. I spend a lot of time being hired by lawyers who want me to poke holes in the testimony of self-professed psychics, witches, crystal healers, etcetera. Or coach them through doing so themselves.”
“So your expedition was…” Penny asked.
“You would not believe how many ersatz ghost hunters think that my presence would be helpful to their malarky.” Missy said, a wry grin on her face. “No, this universe is entirely materialistic, as far as my extensive investigations can tell.”
“Oh here we go.” Leonard muttered into his food. Wait, what was that? It wasn’t takeout.
Instead of sitting down at the new chair, Missy went to the kitchen and served up another plate of food. “One thing you learn growing up in Texas is to always be ready to serve an extra plate.” She said authoritatively. “Here. It’s mashed potatoes, steamed greens, and chicken fried steak.” The potatoes were yellow, and filled with little black spots of something.
“It’s Thai food night.” Sheldon said petulantly.
Leonard seemed unworried about this. “Remember the Missy clause.”
Sheldon scowled but accepted the argument.
Penny took a bite of the mashed potatoes. It was richly flavored, mostly garlic but with a few other spices that made it quite nice. She tried the vegetables, not even bothering to identify them, and found them similarly appealing. “You’re a really good cook.” She complimented.
“Thank you.” Missy said, sitting back down. “The vast majority of my cooking knowledge is home cooking experience, but it all adds up.” What did she mean by that?
Raj, as was typical, was silent. Howard, on the other hand, decided to finally speak up. “Don’t let her beauty or her cooking fool you, Penny. Missy’s crazier than Sheldon.”
Missy ignored the jab, but Sheldon did not. “I’m not crazy!” He insisted, “My mother had me tested!”
“He’s not.” Missy agreed, “Which means his childish, arrogant personality is all him. He thinks his intelligence makes him better than everyone else, so acts just like every other jackass who was raised thinking themselves above the rabble. I’ve tried to keep the boy humble, but…”
“It does make me better than everyone else, though.” Sheldon said.
“You’re a barely functional adult.” Missy shot back, “Even that much requires the shelter of academia and a doormat of a roommate.” Leonard took offense to that, but went back to his food when Missy raised an eyebrow at him, daring him to disagree.
Penny leaned away from that argument. “Are they always like this?” She whispered to Raj.
Howard, naturally, answered for his friend. “Missy believes in past lives, and thinks that makes her a qualified psychologist.” He whispered back. “She’s crazy.”
“Wait, I thought she was against magic?” Penny asked, confused.
“She thinks that if magic existed, she could use it.” Howard corrected, “Because five out of her six past lives were good at whatever magic existed there. If she can’t use it, it doesn’t exist.” He twirled a finger around his ear, reiterating ‘crazy’.
“The sixth?” Penny asked.
“Her first.” Howard said, before Missy caught their whispering.
“Don’t go filling Penny’s head with inaccurate nonsense.” Missy said, pointing her steak knife menacingly.
“So he was making all of that up?” Penny asked.
Missy sighed. “I didn’t catch everything he told you, but he probably didn’t lie.” She said ruefully. “This is my seventh life since I started remembering them. I try to keep things quiet, only tell people I’m close to, but the circumstances that started this one prevented me from being able to adequately impersonate a normal child.”
Penny was about to ask further, but Sheldon elaborated before she could: “She spent the first five years, four months, and sixteen days of her life vividly hallucinating in a dream-like state.” He said, “Then she suddenly stopped and talked her way out within days.”
“I have my theories as to why that happened.” Missy insisted, “But I’ll spare you the arcane jargon, Penny. I came out of that coma fully fluent in two dozen languages and proficient in several fields. Even Shelly agrees that the past lives argument has merit.” Sheldon looked chagrined, but didn’t dispute it.
Penny felt that this had gone on long enough. “So why did you move out here with Sheldon? Sounds like you don’t like him very much.” She asked.
Missy looked somewhat embarrassed for the first time in this conversation. “Well… I wanted to try becoming an actress.” She said, putting more food in her mouth instead of elaborating. “It’s… difficult to break into the industry.”
“Oh honey, I completely get you.” Penny said sympathetically. “How’d that lead to becoming… What was your job again?”
Missy scoffed. “I’m the head of Occult studies in the Caltech history department.” she repeated, “I have a doctorate in Archeology. I’ve always loved history, and it was a good chance to find if there were any secret societies of wizards in this world.” She shrugged. “I can definitively state that the same one from my last life isn’t here, and if there’s any others, they’re a lot better at hiding.” After eating some more, she added: “It’s also nice to have a timeline to compare to in the future. What few events I can remember from my first life line up quite well, although this isn’t the same timeline just the same.”
Okay, she had to ask: “How do you know?”
“I visited the location of my first death at the proper time, and no one got murdered by being shoved in front of a train on that day. I investigated my old job, my old apartment, my childhood home… Nothing.”
“Of course, instead of this proving that she’s crazy…” Howard said, gesturing vaguely instead of finishing his meal.
Missy glared at the jewish man-child murderously. “Anyway, I have a side hustle translating foreign songs and performing them online, which hopefully will get me some attention. I’ve also been pitching concepts to the studios about a scam-busting show in the vein of Harry Houdini’s famous efforts to demystify hustlers who claimed supernatural powers.”
“...The magician?” Penny asked.
It took a moment, but Missy blushed. “Ah, right. Not everyone is aware of that. Houdini did a lot for stage magicians, raising the popularity of escape artistry, sleight of hand, things of that nature. But one of his lesser known ventures was debunking spirit mediums and psychics, those who scammed grieving widows out of money by claiming the power to speak to the deceased.” Missy mimed a spit to the side. “As you can tell from the prevalence of such things in the modern day, he didn’t really do more than stem the tide.”
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“Penn and Teller are modern magicians that are doing the same.” Sheldon offered.
“The studios look at their numbers and say that it’s not popular enough to copy.” Missy added ruefully.
“Well, I’m trying to be an actress too.” Penny said, putting her hand out to shake. “Maybe we could put our heads together and see if we can get something started.”
“We can meet later, yes.”
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Missy’s apartment… looked a lot like Leonard’s. It was the one immediately above them, and it was set up in a similar fashion, much cleaner than her own and filled with nerdy knickknacks. Different ones than the boys had, but Penny couldn’t really explain how beyond different. The couch was in the same spot, there were two computers, one set up in Sheldon’s spot, the other in Leanord’s. From the professional-looking microphone in front of one of them, it was probably where she did that singing thing she said she did.
“Woah, deja vu.” Penny said.
“Quite.” Missy said, amused. “Now, do you want a snack? Shelly may shirk his responsibilities as a host but I never will.”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” Penny said politely.
“If you’re concerned about the bother, I have some leftovers that someone has to eat; might as well be you.” Missy said, taking out a plastic tub of what appeared to be enough fried rice to feed a family of eight. “I usually distribute them to the postdocs and whoever else Shelly offended recently, but they won’t miss one scoop.” She took a literal ice cream scoop and put some fried rice in two bowls, then added some pre-cooked… chicken? From a different tub into them, then put them in the microwave.
“Well if you insist.” Penny said, glad she had someone else to help her poor grocery bill.
“Coffee?” Missy asked, turning on a very fancy looking coffee machine.
“Yeah, thanks.” Penny said as she sat in the spot that, if this was Leonard’s apartment, would be Sheldon’s spot. “So what’s with this singing stuff?”
Missy served her the fried rice, which was delicious as expected. “Ah, I was a choir girl in my second life, one of the nuns was an ex-opera singer, and I learned a bit more in my third. Combined with my love of learning languages, it was a natural progression.” She gestured to the setup. “Online music careers into mainstream media hasn’t really taken off yet, but I expect something to come of it in the next ten years, although that’s only an estimate. By that point in the timeline, my own influence had surely affected things.”
“...Wait, you’re from the future, too?” Penny asked, incredulous.
Missy nodded seriously. “My concretely useful knowledge has long run out, Memaw’s casino investments with my advice have long been converted into a more stable portfolio, and I’ll eventually inherit half of it. It was the deal.”
Penny took a moment to contemplate those words. “Aren’t you worried she’ll lose it gambling?” She asked.
The southern girl chuckled as she poured the coffee and started doing stuff to it. “Memaw didn’t win the money at the casino, she ran one in the back of her laundromat.” She waved her hand vaguely. “I don’t plan on touching it, anyway.”
“Why not?” Penny asked, offended.
“Because I’ve been rich before.” Tanya said bluntly. “It’s overrated. Yeah, if I fail to become a famous actress like I want I’ll be sad, but Caltech pays me well enough that I shouldn’t need to dip into Memaw’s money.”
“...How rich?” She asked.
“The richest.” Missy deadpanned. Wow, that’s rich. “If I’m going to join the upper crust again, it will be by the sweat of my brow, not by cheating on the stock market.”
Well, good for her. “So why’d you want to become an actress now?” She asked, curious.
“Ah, mostly because I try to focus my energy on something that I may not get to do again.” Missy explained, “While I won’t insult myself by calling myself prettier in this life…” She grabbed her breasts, ones that might even be bigger than Penny’s own. “...this life has some advantages I’ve never had before.”
“I completely understand.” Penny said solemnly. “So, give me the deets. I’ve been applying to this small studio and getting no luck.”
Missy smiled, a dangerous looking thing. “Well, if you want me to warn you which talent scouts will only give the time of day to girls who go under his desk… let me get my notes.”
---------------------------------
Living in a normal world was rather refreshing. Sure, at first she despaired at just how stupid and slow she felt, but startlingly, her twin brother Sheldon was a huge help in integrating her experiences. He eventually did mature enough to be within spitting distance of a normal human being, gaining the necessary humility to function. Although she did think that it was a bit hokey that it was getting into a relationship with a girl that mellowed him out, Tanya was well aware how a long term close relationship with someone could be edifying, even while being asexual. Particularly when children are involved.
But when she died at the ripe old age of 44 in 2024 (by a crazed stalker fan with a gun, of all Being X damned things) and found herself back in that river network of souls, she decided to try and swim as much as she could against the current, trying to get to any world that isn’t one she would have naturally drifted to.
What would happen?
---------------------------------
Her name is Jennifer now.
She still didn’t become conscious until a few months after birth, but that wasn’t new. She was in some sort of neonatal machine, or so she assumed at first.
The year was 2160. Her father was the interstellar equivalent to a long-haul trucker, and her clear plastic prison was just how one kept a young child alive over such distances. The only parts of his ship that had life support was this tiny pod that Dad piloted the ship from.
She constantly tested the limits of her environment, as a child is wont to do, and she was amazed at how comprehensive the whole thing was. The machine handled feeding, changing, clothing, administering the many, many vaccines that were needed to stimulate her immune system, there were play modes that allowed her to develop her tiny muscles… There was even a set of plastic gloves leading to the outside that Dad could use to play with his only daughter when there wasn’t anything else to do, constantly speaking to her in Russian as a parent should. Until he had to put on his spacesuit and leave the biopod, of course. Repairs, negotiations, paperwork… He was a busy man when they were at a space station.
It was, quite honestly, an ideal infancy among single father households if it wasn’t for the fact that her entire world was the size of a playpen.
She went through the educational programs at what she felt was a respectable speed without tipping her hand over much on her pre-loaded knowledge. As she grew, she was allowed outside the creche and into the rest of the biopod, although the device was converted into a sleeping capsule even then. Special gloves were required to interact with the holographic displays, although Dad had something implanted in his fingertips to do so without them. Naturally, she was only allowed to interact with a computer system she couldn’t do anything dangerous with.
Eventually, she finally got to step outside and see the greater galaxy. “Welcome to the Citadel, Jenny.” Dad said proudly as he waved his arm grandly. “Happy birthday.”
The Citadel was a space station of monolithic proportions, the political center of the galaxy. Her present was a guided tour of the governmental district, which also held large quantities of museums, monuments, and more importantly: a sampling of every sapient species in the Citadel government.
“Welcome to the Presidium.” Said the tour guide, a non-sapient chatbot (known in this universe as a ‘Virtual intelligence’, to distinguish it from Artificial [General] Intelligence) by the name of ‘Avina’. They had put on some augmented reality glasses for the tour so as to have remote access to the terminals throughout the area. “While it is not required, the recommended route for your tour will be highlighted. Merely address me, Avina, to request assistance.” True to the instructions, the augmented reality glasses revealed a lit path of arrows to follow.
“Wow…” Jennifer said as she looked around. As Gohan, interstellar politics sucked. They were either looked down upon or feared, with very little in between. That part, at least, didn’t seem to change much. Humanity was new to the scene, the ‘First Contact War’ being shortly before she was born. About nine months to the day from the end of it, to be specific. She could do the math.
Anyway, she noted subtly aggressive body language as people saw the human tourists, although she also saw plenty of responses to her that were summarized as ‘aw, how cute’.
“Hi.” Jennifer said to the floating jellyfish they crossed paths with.
“Greetings. This one is known as Tracinli.” The jellyfish said. “Have you heard of the word of the Enkindlers?”
Before she could respond, Avina spoke up: “This is a hanar. Please, do not touch their tentacles. It will hurt you.”
“I’m Jennifer!” She said enthusiastically. This isn’t her first alien, but she’s never seen one so… alien before. “What’s an Enkindler?”
Avina spoke up again: “The hanar have a religious devotion towards the Protheans, who created the mass relays and the Citadel. They refer to them as the Enkindlers, who supposedly granted hanar the gift of communication.” Thank you, chatbot.
Jennifer continued to childishly bother every alien they came across that didn’t look too hostile, and eventually found herself next to an asari child who was trying to telekinetically push a button. “YAH!” She shouted, a blue corona surrounding her arm as she punched it out. The warped gravitational anomaly quickly broke up before impacting the button.
“Sorry little girl.” The salarian running the booth said, sneering at the asari. “That’s your last try. Next!”
Huh. “I wanna try!” Jennifer immediately announced.
Dad looked at her strangely. “Jenny, you need to be a biotic to play this game. You’d need an amp, too.”
Eh? Jennifer already knew she was telekinetic. She hadn’t told him, but… she also didn’t hide it from him. The nanny program didn’t seem to notice her making tiny gravitational anomalies as a problem, although the ship’s greater sensors seemed to flag it as a tiny glitch in the artificial gravity of the biopod, so she didn’t do it much.
“I wanna try.” Jennifer said firmly.
The salarian, seeing a chance to make some free money, spoke up: “How about a discount?” He asked, “Half price.”
“Please?” Jennifer asked.
“He’s just scamming you.” The krogan who was escorting the little asari girl said. The translator seemed to give him a jovial tone, chuckling at Jennifer’s antics.
The asari child pointed to a toy that was next to the booth. As this was a game booth at the zoo, all of the prizes were stuffed effigies of the animals on display. “Win that one for me!” She said, as if Jennifer was doing this for her. She was pointing at a varren.
“...Fine.” Dad said, using his omnitool to transfer the funds.
“Yippie!” Jennifer shouted, taking up a stance in front of the button. Calling what she was doing ‘telekinesis’ was to disregard what she was actually doing. The local magic was rather low-key, a substance that greeted gravitic anomalies when electrically manipulated. ‘Biotics’ had the substance inundating their nervous system, and her long experience with chakra and ki worked wonders for coordinating them. “Ka…me…ha…me…” Jennifer said, mentally gathering more and more gravitic energies.
“What the…” Dad said, eyes widening at her casual reveal.
“HA!” Jennifer shouted, launching a bolt of biotic power at the button. It pressed immediately, outputting a reading that her omnitool translated as ‘69 newtons’. Nice.
The salarian looked shocked, but then made a sour expression as he realized that he couldn’t weasel out of this. “Congratulations!” He said instead. “Pick out a prize.”
The asari child looked excited, but Jennifer instead took something that heavily resembled a sea turtle, but with a big horn on the head. The asari child made a production of crying, clinging to the krogan. “Daddy! I want it!”
Walking away, Dad chuckled nervously. “So… how long have you been able to do that?” He asked.
“Always.” Jennifer said, pretending to be confused at the question. “It makes angry beeps when I do it at home, though.”
“Hm. Well, let’s look at some more animals.” Dad eventually said.
“Yay!”
---------------------------------
The unified face the humans give the rest of the Galaxy was called the Systems Alliance. It was somewhat misleading of a face to show, as the System Alliance was first and foremost a military organization, but it was somewhat beneficial to their safety to be seen as being on the militaristic side.
Being a talented human biotic, Jennifer was naturally heavily encouraged to become a soldier. She rejected this, and instead studied xenobiology and updated herself on space-age medicine. To be even further from conflict, she didn’t even become a normal doctor: she became a veterinarian. This required her to reveal more intellectual prowess than she had planned, so as to be in medical school by the time she would ordinarily be drafted.
This did not end well. When she was 22, while she had just started her practice in the still mostly rural Eden Prime for six months, rogue artificial intelligence attacked unprovoked. She survived, but within two months, a much more severe galactic extermination campaign was conducted by gigantic biomechanical lifeforms. It took a few years for them to get around to exterminating the part of the galaxy she was in, but it was inevitable.
When she found her soul leaving that tragedy, she tried something new. She swam backwards, trying to get back into the same world. It was a good time to try it: while odds were good that she’d just die again soon after… she might not. And she might become an alien again. It was worth a try.
It was difficult to properly describe the shape of the worlds that the rivers of souls flow between. If she absolutely had to try, it would be a little bit like a cluster of soap bubbles. Souls slipped between the gaps, and then vanished from her senses.
With effort, she managed to re-enter the same cluster. Flashes of images, shocks of smells, crackles of sound, all something that could probably help Tanya narrow down her point of entry, but it was all nonsense to her. She slipped back inside.
What will happen now?