The gardener Ford faded away into another teleport, rejoining his other halves. Really, the multi-presence thing he has going on is actually quite fascinating, but it’s long been understood that insanity was an excellent way to allow for powerful psychic effects… without any way to use them productively.

“Wow, you got him.” Sam said. “Now what was this about Chloro thrills?”

“It’s a herbaphony fight club.” Tanya summarized. “The rulebook bloated up to be quite large over the years, but it’s really not that complicated. Lili can loan you some seed packets to get started.”

“Wicked…” Sam said, grinning.

Ugh, this garden is totaled… Tanya used hydrokinesis to pull the dead plants off of the ground, and blended them into a wet slurry of nutrients for the remaining plants, which she did her best to quickly re-root the plants that were still alive, absorbing the slurry to grow into healthy specimens and spread out to cover more ground. “Eh… close enough.” She said after reviewing her work. It was sloppy, but she was just a casual hobbyist gardener, and she was in a hurry, so it’ll have to do. That was ten minutes she probably shouldn’t have spared anyway.

“So, there’s the hairdresser, the chef, and the last one, in the car park.” Tanya said, counting them on her fingers. “Sam, your brother should be bowling right now, if you want to go see him.”

“Pass.” Sam said, bored.

“Then find some way to stay out of trouble.” Tanya said, annoyed. She took a PSI pop out of her pocket and unwrapped it, sticking the lollipop in her mouth and enjoying the sweet, psitanium-laced treat. She needs a break…

Well, back to work.

---------------------------------

In hindsight, Tanya really should have remembered that the barber shop that Ford took over was right next to Astral Lanes.

This mistake was exacerbated by the fact that apparently Truman wanted a progress report. It was odd, Truman usually understood how long it takes to do things.

Truman had taken the time to dress up in actual business wear, which probably meant that he got news of a U.S. government official or some U.N. personnel incoming. That must be why he wants the information. Truman didn’t dress up for any other reason, after all. Or, dare she hope, he decided to take the crisis seriously and decide to act like a proper administrator for once. He appeared to be going through some old files, although Tanya didn’t want to pry, it might be classified.

“Ford’s proving to be a simpler problem than I had previously thought.” Tanya said, keeping her voice even and serious, pitched just a little lower than her normal voice. She may not practically growl anymore so she can get taken more seriously, but her natural voice was still just high pitched enough that stupid people assumed she was altering it. “I’d say I’m about half done, a little more.”

“Right. When you finish, bring him and the boy to me. I need to ask Ford a question.” Truman ordered. Hm. What could Ford possibly know that Truman wants to know?

“Why Razputin?” Tanya asked, curious. Was it because of Lili?

Truman paused, not expecting the question for some reason. “Ah…” Tanya didn’t need to read the man’s mind to see him coming up with a reason on the spot. “I need to ask him about his intentions towards Lili, my daughter.” He said proudly.

…What? That was why she assumed he wanted to speak with him, yeah, but that was the kind of thing you came up with an excuse to avoid saying, not used as the excuse. “Has Hollis stopped by to give you a medical evaluation yet, sir?” Tanya asked.

“Yes.” He said immediately. “I’m fit as a fiddle.” Hm. Well, if he got checked… But was he telling the truth? She’ll need to ask Hollis. But first… another test.

“Alright. By the way, I’m going to be taking some sick days in psychoisolation after all of this is over with.” Tanya said, deliberately making her voice casual. She placed her hand on her forehead, just over her left eye. “All this mental diving and combat stress is beginning to give me a headache.”

Truman waved his hand dismissively, not even looking at her. He had gone back to looking over the files he had on his desk. “Yeah, whatever. Don’t let that stop you from fixing Ford.”

Tanya frowned. “Good.” She said carefully. That wasn’t a pass… but she wasn’t sure if she could call it a fail either. It was certainly rude of him to not at least offer some platitudes, rather unlike the Truman she knew, but it also wasn’t a definitive ‘this man doesn’t know something Truman should know’ like she had been trying to get him to admit. The lack of panic was one thing, and she rarely played the ‘about to kill everyone, need a break’ card, but…

Argh, spycraft was awful! She sucked at it. She’ll just have to discuss her suspicions with Hollis. Tanya spun around on her heel and marched out.

---------------------------------

Unfortunately, Hollis was unable to be contacted, supposedly busy. Which was fair. She wasn’t in her office, ignored telepathic contact, and the switchboard operator had instructions to hold all of her calls.

On one hand, this was suspicious. On the other hand, Hollis was, although not strictly in her chain of command, her boss. Tanya couldn’t expect to get her ear whenever she wanted.

…Fuck it, it’s lunchtime. Cook Ford it is.

The cafeteria with Ford was completely empty of customers, for the dual reasons of the other one existing, and the fact that enough people weren’t working today that the other one was less crowded than usual. “What’s cooking today?” She asked the man.

“Burgers and fries. American food!.” Ford said, with a particular emphasis on American.

Tanya glanced at the salad bar. It was barren. “I assume you make them to order, then.” At Ford’s nod, Tanya rattled off her usual hamburger order. Tanya was only slightly surprised when the man prepared it exactly as it was ordered, as Mom had mentioned that he had become more competent at the job after her intervention. She had halfway expected him to exclude the spinach leaves, but they were there.

As she ate, Tanya watched Ford wait in front of the griddle, twitching occasionally and fidgeting with a blank stare after he was done cleaning up his workstation. Despite his fractured psyche, all of Ford’s personae are theoretically being run on a single brain, so it made sense that there would be moments where one facet shrank, becoming practically a vegetable as the other facets used the available brainpower.

Alright, she’s done with her meal, back to work. This was no time to work to rule, so a fifteen minute lunch is all she’ll take. With a casual toss, the psychoportal was affixed to Ford’s receded hairline, and Tanya split off an archetype to pilot her body while she worked, sending the vast majority of her consciousness into the old man’s mind.

Once more, into the breach.

---------------------------------

Since her last visit to this facet of Ford’s mind, there had been many changes. Instead of being a giant griddle, with oppressive heat, it was instead another copy of Green Needle Gulch, set up as a party with many guests. American flags were a notable piece of decor, and the place she likely needed to go was the barbeque grill, with a metal Ford’s upper body sticking out of it as he manipulated the food that surrounded him, vaguely reminiscent of a hibachi grill. The Ford came accessorized with a cowboy hat, for some reason.

Oh, and everything was scaled up to a massive proportion, as if Tanya had been shrunk to the size of a… ant? No, ants are way smaller. Let’s see, that brush is way taller than her, but by how much? …She’s going to say she was squirrel-sized.

“Well, this is-” Tanya startled. “My voice! I sound like those singing chipmunks!” Okay, she was chipmunk-sized. “Christmas, Christmas, time is here, time for toys, and time for cheer. I’ve been good, but I can’t last; hurry Christmas, hurry fast!” Tanya sang before breaking out into giggles. “Okay, serious time.” All these years of peace has dulled her edge, but it’s done wonders for her sense of humor. Besides, finding time to laugh is one of her best defenses against backsliding.

Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

Tanya ran along the ground, leaping and bounding off of the terrain. Where to go? She had an inkling that flying would be dangerous, and she trusted her instincts on that front. Maybe there’s some easier-to-ascend trees further back…

She eventually found something that looked like a transition. It was a gateway/box thing that looked like a circus attraction, with a sign that said ‘tourists go here’, as well as ‘awesome times ahead’, and ‘must-see!’. On a hunch, she split off an archetype to test it out.

The Inner Child was, like all of her split archetypes, a copy of her with a henohenomoheji for a face. This one was a pre-teen and dressed in an exaggerated version of one of her pajamas, a full-body sleeper made to look like a kitsune, with larger and floppier ears and a much bushier trio of tails than the real outfit had. It also had extra buttons in a place that was rather embarrassing to contemplate, so she didn’t. “Hm, that actually looks comfy…” Tanya mused to herself. Those tails looked long enough to hug…

As an archetype, her Inner Child already knew why she was summoned, and immediately giggled and danced into the tourist trap’s entrance. “I want a plane that loops the loop, and I want a hula hoop! I can hardly stand the wait, Please Christmas, don’t be late!” A door dropped down on the entrance, and her Inner Child’s manifestation was immediately destroyed.

“Hm. An actual psychic defense.” Tanya said, surprised. “...Is this here because he’s getting stronger and more stable as his mind is in fewer pieces?” It was as good an explanation as any. Still, it vindicated her decision to be cautious.

Moving on, Tanya started looking around for other routes. Bald eagles patrolled the area, despite them not being the type to inhabit a marshy area like this one. They each stopped to rest on the American flags, looking around in more detail before flying to the next one. Eventually, Tanya found a route up a tree, as those Eagles looked particularly dangerous if she tried to fly. She could probably defeat them… but the fact that their trap managed to destroy her archetype so easily…

As she traveled through the trees, turning invisible to avoid detection as she went through more open areas, Tanya noticed some actual cartoonish chipmunks.

“Okay, it’s football time!” Announced the Ford-looking chipmunk. “Otto, you got the TV working?”

“Tip top shape.” Responded the high pitched emulation of Otto’s voice. “I even checked on the repeater I set up closer to Springfield, it’s all good.”

“Compton, are the snacks done?” Ford continued.

“All cooked and warmed to perfection. I have pretzels, hot dogs, pork rinds… everything you need for an all-american experience.” Compton replied.

“I got the beer!” the Bob chipmunk said cheerily.

The Helmut chipmunk quickly added: “I got the cola, pace yourself everyone.”

“I’m confused.” Said the Lucy chipmunk. “Didn’t we do this just last week?”

“That was the AFL game.” Ford said, “They’re a newer, smaller league. The real league is the NFL. This is their championship.” Ah, she remembered this. The other orphanage children were big sports fans, so she got to witness the first Superbowl when she was three-wait, no, two. She didn’t really pay much attention, though. She preferred baseball.

“Ah, so they will play against each other later, then?” Lucy asked.

“They should, but no. They haven’t scheduled that yet.” Ford replied, “But that means we get two championships, and thus two parties. I’m happy with that.” The chipmunk grinned.

“They’re growing quite fast, though.” The Cassie chipmunk added. “I bet they’ll merge soon enough, definitely before the decade’s out.”

Surprisingly, the memory kept playing, showing the actual beginning to the football game. That was unusual behavior for a memory, usually it cut off or looped after a few minutes at most. But this was a crazy man’s memory, and delaying an intruder by giving them junk information to parse, more than they were ready to handle, was an unorthodox way to defend oneself, but radar chaff was a thing for a reason. It was likely another defensive tactic.

Still, except for the emotional baggage tag that Tanya snapped up, there was nothing else to be gained by watching this scene. Moving on. Eventually, she reached a dead end… or rather, a place that visibly was the way forward… but without a non-flight way of getting there. Argh, she’s going to need to piss off the eagles, isn’t she?

Well, she’s in something of a hurry, so she better get going. Turning invisible, she slowly glided across the gap. As expected, invisibility was insufficient to highly trained psychic sentries like those eagles, and the cry of the massive bird shook the air around her. Dropping invisibility, Tanya built up and sent a powerful wave of pyrokinesis, igniting the bird’s feathers and sending it crashing into the ground as it transformed into a full turkey dinner. Tanya caught it, the carcass having shrunk down to be easily carried by her.

Tanya tore off one of the legs and took a bite. “Mmmm… this is good. Reminds me of that turkey that Compton made for that Christmas that the Psychic Six invited us to.” Neither of her parents had much in the way of an extended family, it was pretty much just Dad’s father, and he didn’t like leaving Germany, as he didn’t speak English. Tanya spent exactly one Christmas in Germany with him, and wasn’t particularly eager to repeat the experience.

The next section of Ford’s mind was another scene with the other members of the Psychic Seven. Wait… it looked different than the last… Tanya’s eyes widened. This was a copy of Ford’s underground base!

Helmut, looking as he did today, served Ford mashed potatoes. “C’mon buddy, let’s not worry about that stuff today. Let’s just eat, and enjoy ourselves.”

“But the Psychonauts need me to coordinate them!” Insisted Ford.

“There’s plenty of other commanders, Ford.” Cassie reminded him. “You can afford to take a day off. Hollis hates Thanksgiving, she can handle it.”

“Ah, she hates me, too. She’ll screw it up!” Ford said crabbily.

This was… a new memory. One formed after his schism. This wasn’t even the fragment that was in charge at the time! This… was good. If his facets were starting to bleed over into each other, it meant that he was coming back together.

After a few more minutes of idle chatter, Ford looked around, confused. “Why… Do I feel like someone’s missing? Everyone’s here…” He gripped his chest, right over his heart. “What’s going on?”

The other members of the Psychic Six exchanged worried, commiserating looks. Otto was the one who broke the news. “I’m sorry, Ford, but every time we mention it, you keep forgetting. Just trust us that we feel your pain, and we wish they were here too.”

“Who?” Ford asked, scowling at himself.

“Classified.” Cassie said solemnly. “Need to know.”

“Well, I can't do anything about that.” Ford said grumpily. “Pass me some stuffing.”

Hm, interesting. Tanya had been avoiding hearing about how the Psychic Six’s efforts to revitalize Ford had been going, but apparently it was worse than she thought; last Tanya heard, they couldn’t convince the Agent Archetype to give them permission to intervene, and as the most lucid of them, they felt it enough to stay their hands, when combined with orders from on high to not risk themselves doing it.

…Come to think of it, Truman was the one who forbade it on that basis. Why on Earth was he letting Razputin risk himself now? Was it just because of the positive rapport Razputin had with the man? It would make sense… If nothing else, Ford may be subconsciously recognizing Razputin as Lucrecia’s relative. It would explain how… easily Razputin had been making progress during those times where Tanya let him work on his own… It was a benefit that Tanya didn’t share, and her ability to get him to allow her to go into his mind was lesser as well… Hm.

Well, all that was left in this area was to absorb the emotional baggage that Ford had here, filled with unpleasant, confusing emotions. Like the emotion of confusion. It was a fine blend of fear and disgust, with just a touch of sadness.

Ah, she finally had a good angle on the giant Ford head. “Open up!” She shouted, taking flight and charging the giant head.

“Hey now, who’re you?” Ford said, inexplicably using a southern accent. “This is America, you can’t go trespassin’ like that! It’s the greatest country in the world, welcoming to all kinds!”

“The faster you let me inside, the faster we can get Lucy back!” Tanya shouted.

“Lucy?” He asked, confused. “Lucy left! She left to be with her family, in Grulovia! She should have just brought them here!”

“She did!” Tanya insisted. “She’s in America now, I could get to her in a day if we needed to.”

“She is?” Ford asked, shocked. “Well, I don’t know what to say…” Instantly, the hostile feeling in the air vanished.

“How about you take off that atrocious hat?” Tanya suggested.

Ford set down on the tongs he had in one hand, and took off the cowboy hat, as requested. He then picked the tongs back up and clacked them together, testing them.

Tanya flew into the now wide open head of the giant metal Ford, extracting the mirror shard. “Why’d she have to leave?” The Ford in the mirror asked.

“You know why.” Cook Ford said, admonishing his real self. “Family’s important, you numbskull. Lucy was strong, she thought she could handle the problems herself.”

“But look where that got her.” Ford said, as the mind collapsed and Tanya found herself back in the central hub. Oddly, Razputin and Lili were there too… with their own shard.

“Razputin…” Tanya said, glaring at the boy. “Where did you get another Psychoportal?”

“Mary.” Raz said immediately, visibly frightened. Damn it, Mary… Why did you even have one? “She lost the paper-scissors-rock contest to get a haircut while we worked.” Oh, that’s good. She really did need one, her bangs were getting long enough that Tanya was starting to get tempted to take things into her own hands.

Tanya grabbed the shard and placed both of them into the mirror. “Only one left…” Tanya said, humming. Razputin cheered and started to do a victory dance. Lili giggled and joined in.

---------------------------------

With the cook’s archetype vanishing, Tanya turned off all of the kitchen appliances and put away everything that needed to be done. Fortunately, very little needed to be cleaned, so Tanya was able to quickly close things before leaving, rushing towards the area where she left the children.

Mary had a ragged, incomplete haircut, while Razputin and Lili just looked proud of themselves. “That was a very reckless thing you did, Razputin.” Tanya said sharply. “But given that it is an emergency situation… and that you’ve seemed to resolve it adequately… I’m just going to consider the upcoming upheaval in your worldview punishment enough.” She was getting seriously sick of this child’s recklessness. The infuriating part was that he seemed to accomplish his goals while being so reckless. That kind of talent needs to be nurtured, not strangled in the crib. At least, that’s what Tanya has decided to tell herself.

“The up-what in my what-now?” Razputin asked. Tanya just smiled mysteriously.

“Uh oh.” Mary said, ashen. “Razputin, the last time I saw that smile, Coach Oleander tried to kill us all.”

Tanya sighed. “Even in the grips of insanity, he wasn’t going to kill you. Just enslave you into his military designs with mind control.”

“That’s worse!” Mary shouted.

“I know.” Tanya said, “I have first-hand experience with that kind of thing, after all.” Mary flinched. A few years ago, Mary had asked her why Tanya prayed while fighting. Tanya decided to tell her the truth. “But now, I’m angry at you, Razputin. I paid good money to keep you satiated and preoccupied, and you decided to just risk yourself and Lili throwing yourselves into Ford’s head without someone experienced as backup.”

“It turned out fine!” Raputin argued.

“What if that shard you retrieved was not the seventh?” Tanya asked rhetorically. “What if it was the eighth? If I didn’t stop for lunch, I could have done both in the time it took you to do the one.”

“Ford would have been fixed!” Razputin said.

“The last time anyone got into his complete head, the man broke himself AGAIN and slammed the one who tried with a hypnotic command strong enough to send them running across the country!” Tanya shouted at him, angry. “I told you that’s what happens, you stupid lemming!”

Razputin stood his ground. “Truman told me to get Maligula’s location out of Ford, and I’m going to do it!” He shouted back, before slamming his hands over his mouth, realizing that he had just revealed an important secret.

…Truman knows that Tanya knows where Lucrecia is.

…Truman’s been doing a lot of things that Truman wouldn’t do normally.

…Why would he even want to know? The only ones who care are the Psychic Six… and the Deluginists.

…Who had unrestricted access to Truman’s head, using a mercenary that is capable of brain extraction.

…That’s not Truman.