Emily: Final

Soran looks down on the floor, then back at me without a word. There was only one thing that could make things worse and it happened yesterday. This day was going to happen regardless of how long I delayed it. All the madness caused me to sleep in until noon. Now Soran is trying to process everything. Jerrica’s in the kitchen making food, Andrew is still sleeping. My father is out with our uncle to continue their celebration. I’m alone with the only man I know who’s right for me, and it terrifies me.

“When did you find out?”

“Right before the reception…”

Soran hugs my continuously breaking body. It breaks me even more that I don’t have the guts to tell him that I cheated on him. What the fuck was I even thinking back then.

Cody seemed to be doing so well. He looked happy and content where he was. Did I take that for an advantage because I’m a selfish person? I’m not a good person. The feelings for Cody will never fade away. Even now when I know Soran is everything I ever wanted, I still want more.

“It’s okay. When we get home, we can find out what happened. Emily, I know you’re scared but trust me, we can handle this.” Soran always has that assuring voice that makes me feel everything will be okay. I don’t know if I need that right now.

“What if something’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing is wrong with you, Emily?”

But I know that’s a lie. There’s a lot wrong with me. My body is weak and frail. I know the miscarriage yesterday wasn’t going to be the first. My body just won’t ever be able to handle a kid. Even now I’m barely recovering from my weakened state. I look like I’m anorexic and haven’t slept for days. I let people manipulate me and make me do things I don’t want. I fall for my own emotions and get into my head when it happens. How can you possibly say there’s nothing wrong with me, Soran?

But I still smile, because that’s all I can do.

“It’s going to be okay,” Soran says once again.

Soran leaves me alone for a moment to go to the kitchen. During that time, I text Sara telling her everything that happened last night. I need to talk to Cody too. If I see Cody now, I don’t know what I’ll do.

Then Jerrica comes into my room wondering what was going on with me before the wedding. I make sure I lock the room before I try to tell her everything.

I care for Cody. I spent 3 years trying to convince myself otherwise. He’s still the same sweet guy I knew all those years ago. But times change and I’m not in love with him anymore, or at least I don’t think I do. I do know that Soran is the one I love. I get butterflies each time he smiles at me. My heart grows twice as big every time he kisses me and I can’t imagine my world without him anymore.

But that was the same situation with Cody when I was a kid. I thought life was impossible without him but I lived every day since. All broken hearts require is time to heal. Time is the best medicine in life. Laughter is only a painkiller, it doesn’t solve anything.

My second option is to keep it all a secret and hope for the best that way. The only one who knows anything besides me is Cody and I know he’ll never tell anyone. He regrets it as much as I do. Maybe that’s a sign that he doesn’t want me. He told me straight up that he can’t be friends with me.

Years ago I told him I can’t love him.

Cody isn’t running away from me anymore. He’s taking a stand on what he knows the best outcome for both of us is. Yeah, that must be it. I think I know that now. I need to tell Soran. I love him more. He has proven this to me already.

I just don’t know how to tell him.

“Ems,” My sister repeats herself.

“Yeah,” I finally respond. “What’s up?”

“You’re spacing out again. I thought you were done with that,” she laughs. “Something on your mind.”

I shake my head. “I’m just reminiscing about living here when we were kids. We weren’t really that happy, huh?”

Jerrica sits next to me on the bed and laughs, “Yeah the divorce was pretty bad. But things got better, didn’t they? Everything did once you did.”

“Well besides my sister moving thousands of miles away, yeah I guess. I wonder how things would be different if I left with you.”

Jerrica chuckles, “We wouldn’t have the cool life we live now. I wouldn’t have met Andrew, and you probably wouldn’t have met Soran.”

“Crazy…” I sigh.

“But why think of it? It’s not like we can change the past. Things are fine the way there are, no?”

I shake my head, still staring at the ceiling. “What if they’re not?”

“What do you mean?”

I tell her everything. I can’t hold it in anymore. Everything I want to say comes out in full. The cheating, the betrayal, the guilt, the drinking and the bathroom. Everything comes out. I leave no detail behind.

My sister has always been a great listener. It’s part of the reason why she’s becoming a lawyer. She doesn’t speak until she’s done and even then she let me breathe. “Is that what happened?” She asks.

I nod as I exhale a hot air balloon. It feels good to let it all out. My reality shifts back to normal and I don’t feel any anxiety anymore. It’s as the tilted world corrected itself.

“I’m sorry…Emily-” is all she says and then gets up and walks away.

“Jerrica!”

What the fuck? I thought she’s suppose to help me.

The world is tilted again. I’m unable to concentrate on anything else as time passes. I space in and out of my own house and Soran pulls me out.

“Are you okay?” Soran says asking once he comes back in the room. “I know it’s still hard on you, Ems. You don’t have to push yourself. We can go to the doctor and we’ll figure out why you had the miscarriage.”

I shake my head, “No, no, I'm fine,” I whisper.

“I just want to let you know that you’ll never be alone.”

“I know,” I give him a fake smile even though I know he can see right through it. Soran frowns the second he does, “I’m just...a little bit lost.”

“Ems, I know you. There’s something more bothering you, isn’t there?” Soran holds my hand.

This is it. This is it. This is it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I love you. I love you. Please don’t be mad. Please don’t leave me. We love each other. This is it.

My mind jumps back to two years ago, when Soran first said, “I love you.”

A walk inside central park. 8 PM. There was no one around. It was just us. It was just that. It was just…

He talked about how he lost his mother when she was visiting her family in Syria back when the war started. I told him that I was sorry and know how it feels to be alone. I hate being alone.

“You’ll never be alone again, Emily. I love you.”

Now those words feel meaningless by my actions. Soran’s hand is warm. He’s calm, he’s always calm. It’s hard to get him mad. I’ve only seen it a couple of times. I get him mad. I mean, I used to. I will now.

This is it.

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“Emily, can you please tell me what’s going on?”

“No...no I can’t.”

“Ems, please. Whatever’s going on, we can deal with it.”

“No...no,” I’m hyperventilating. It’s been a while since an anxiety attack, years even. “I can’t, I can’t...I can’t breathe.”

“Emily!”

Soran hugs me tight and kisses me to get me to calm down. It never fails, it never has. Only Cody and Soran can do it. Yet I pull back regaining my composure.

“Soran...I...cheated on you.”

And just like that, everything blows up in my face. My mind shuts down and I just spit out words. I leave my body and observe it as everything starts to crash and fall apart. I don’t even know what I’m saying. I don’t even know what Soran is saying, but he’s yelling. He yells and storms off and I chase him down the house. We yell and yell. There are I’m sorries and curse words. Soran begins packing up his things. I’m desperate and I’m crying. Jerrica is just in the kitchen minding her own business.

I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.

I’m lost. I’m an idiot. I’m so fucking stupid. I don’t deserve to be happy.

I watch as Soran slams the front door. I watch as the love of my life leave because I’m too stupid to control my emotions.

“Emily, you’re such a fucking idiot!” My sister yells at me right before I lock myself in my room.

I’m alone. Even my own sister probably hates me now. Oh god, I’m alone. I can’t handle this.

I’ve lived my entire life with someone to count on but now I have no one. I can’t believe I could ever cheat on Soran! What was I even thinking?! That’s right. I wasn’t. I’ve been trying to tell myself over and over that I don’t have feelings for Cody. It’s just a lie I’ve been telling myself so I have a reason to not come back to this town. I hate it here.

Why did I go back? Why is it that no matter how much time passes, I can’t let him go?

I wait in the silence until my sister leaves the house with Andrew. No doubt they’re talking about me. I see them take my old car. I need to be strong. I need to face everything I’ve been running away from. It takes me a while to find my old umbrella but once I do, I head out towards his house.

His mother opens the door. “Oh, Emily! I didn’t expect you to be in town!” She is still as young as I remember her.

“Hi, Kathy, is Cody home?”

She shakes her head, “I think he went to the treehouse with Chris.”

The treehouse? I thought it got destroyed. “Oh, thanks. I’ll head over there.”

“Come by soon, we’ll love to have you over for dinner.”

“Yeah,” I say and take my leave towards the forest through my backyard.

It’s hard to walk through. The small creek I usually have to jump over feels like a river because of the rainfall. I use some of the boulders sticking out of the creek as stepping stone only to land on the muddiest part. I can’t even get this right.

As expected, I find where the treehouse used to be. There’s no evidence of it ever being here anymore. At most I find the remnants of what I think were the wooden planks but it’s too hard to tell. I walk towards the middle of the open field and see what Kathy was talking about. I always knew the tallest tree in the forest would make a great treehouse, but I never expected one to be here already. Cody must have done this. Why didn’t he tell me?

I find Chris at the base. He looks so normal now. He gets Cody’s attention for me and leaves. I can feel the intensity of his eyes as I climb up the treehouse.

“Hey,” Fuck, I’m so weak.

“Hey,” He says while taking a step back.

“The treehouse is impressive. It looks good, way bigger than I thought it would be.”

“Thanks.”

I don’t know what to say. I can’t even look at him. There are so many things I want to get off my chest. Why is being around him so intoxicating? “Sorry I didn’t talk to you yesterday. I had a wedding I had to go to.”

“It’s alright, I get it.”

I have to tell him. If I don’t, what’s the point of me being here. I was pregnant, now I’m not. I cheated on my boyfriend and he left. This is all my fault. It’s his fault too. He just had to sing that stupid song. “Soran left me.”

“I’m sorry. How are you holding up?”

“Not great,” I laugh nervously. “But I guess you got what you wanted. You win.” After all, this is probably what he wanted all along.

“Win? Ems, I didn’t want to win.”

“Then what did you want? Why did you sing that song?”

“I don’t know. I missed you, I was hurting. What was I supposed to do? It’s my outlet.”

Cody put in a lot of work into this new treehouse. I can’t help feeling it’s walls. Did he build it for me? “Did you mean it? The song I mean. Do you still mean it?”

“Ems, what do you want me to say?” It takes him a while to say.

I turn around and face him once more. The more time I spend here, the angrier I get. Cody wanted this all along. It’s all his fault. “If I tell you that then it wouldn’t count. It’ll be fake. Cody, just tell me.”

“No. You’re trying to put the blame on me. I didn’t come back. I didn’t drink with you. I didn’t follow you home and I didn’t kiss you. You did all that. That’s what you wanted.”

But he has to call me out. He just has made me face myself. “So what?! I’m a piece of shit?! Is that it?!”

“No.”

I just lose it. I lost it how I lost it this morning. I’m pulled out of my body as I try to hurt him because everything is my fault. I’m not in control again. All I want is for everything to be right again. I watch him as he calls me out once more. He’s right. I’m just so weak.

I can’t do anything for myself. I need someone to always be with me. I hate being alone. It’s why I let him calm me down and lay me down. It’s why I let him hold me like he used to. I’m so fucking scared of being alone.

I ask him, “Do you love me?”

And he just responds with a simple, “Yes.”

I remember the moment I found out I was pregnant. I had this entire thing planned out to surprise Soran. Now there’s nothing. I recall last morning where I found the miscarriage. It was nothing more than a real ugly clot of blood death. The image is burned in my mind as I shut my eyes and which for everything to go away.

-

I wake up to only the sound of the heavy rain. Cody is asleep as well. I free myself and stand up to only feel nauseous again. He looks so peaceful. I take a look around and wonder again why this place was built. We just couldn’t let each other go, huh?

At the base, I find the small group of flowers being drowned by the heavy rain. This is how I feel right now. Soran was a midsummer storm to a high drought of sorrows and arrows of seeming light glows. But the pain in my heart did not allow the rain to touch the ground. This midsummer storm did not stand a chance against the burning forest fire that I called myself. I danced as the fires consumed all the flowers and animals all while being showered in rain. It wasn’t until he continued to stay where the rain finally was able to touch the flames. For once in my life, I had this empty jar void of hatred. It felt complete and I gave him that warm washed smile.

Now drenched with rain the wildflowers started to regrow with new arms raised to the sky. They begged for more until their bones were drowning and the flowers were desperately gasping for air. This is how I felt when we were sitting by his porch watching this midsummer storm slowly approach.

It wasn’t until he left that this midsummer storm became never-ending. In the destruction of the forest fire, he left me drowned in a flood. There isn't a me anymore, just the empty shell he carved out when he took whoever I was away. And once again I was shown that nobody ever cared.

In my desperation, I try to touch one of Cody’s arrows and tried to turn it into something I could hold on too. I pick up as many of the drowned flowers and little animals only to watch them wither and fade away into the neverending nothing of aether. I stop and look around only to realize I was utterly alone.

Maybe both of them aren’t the right storm for me.

“How long have you been up?” Cody awakens me from my trance.

I make him drive me around the town so I can have time to think everything over. My entire life I’ve always known someone who will be there for me no matter what. Even now I still have Cody. This dependency makes me weak. Wouldn’t it be better if I learn to stand on my own two feet? Wouldn’t it be better that I learn how to quell my own forest fire?

Shouldn’t I have a say about my own control in my life?

I need to be strong for myself. What life can I have if I just cower and fear at the thought of standing alone? I shouldn't let the jealousy control me like when Elizabeth and Cody were dating. I shouldn’t be petty and try to make Cody jealous by trying to date one of his friends. I shouldn’t be angry and move 2,500 miles away just because things don’t go my way. I shouldn’t abandon my friends just because I happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I shouldn’t cheat on the only person who accepted me for all of these flaws and told me it’s okay to be human.

But here I am.

What the point of being alive if everything I do is just about running away. I don’t want to run away anymore. I’m Emily Crowe. When I was eight years old I fell in love with the most sadistic torturer. For the next nine years, he would force me to fall in love with him just so he can leave me all alone. And when I was eight she fell in love with the most caring sympathetic who would never make me feel alone in my world anymore.

I finally talk to him and we reach an understanding of each other. We can still be friends. We can still be in each other's lives without it feeling like we want to rip each other’s throats apart. But is it too late? I want to learn how to stand on my own. There are still so many things that I need to take care of. Soran and I aren’t over just yet. I need to talk to him too. If this is the path I need to take, I have to apologize and thank him for showing me there is a world outside this small town.

Cody stops in the middle of the road. We’re at the place where everything began. The house is lit up. “Why are they here?”

“Who?” I ask.

“Sara and Grace.”

There are two cars parked in the driveway. They really are here. “What’s going on?”

After a short while, Cody tells me to stay in the car as he gets out himself. I watch him pull out a gun from under his seat and I see just how much Cody has changed. Whatever is going on, it’s serious. The gun he has; it looks exactly like the one Lyle had. Cody tells me to stay inside and I finally get what’s happening.

It’s happening again, isn’t it?

This time Cody is making sure I’m safe. I watch him disappear in the darkness. No. I’m not gonna allow this to happen again. I get out of the car and run towards the house too. If what I think is going on really is happening, I’m not just going to sit back and watch again. I’ll fight too. My body wants me to run away. Everything inside me is telling me to turn back but I don’t listen. I was shot because I listened to my body last time. I’m not going to be scared anymore.

I catch up to Cody as soon as he enters the house. “Cody! I’m not just gonna let you run off like that! Don’t leave me alone!”

Cody turns his head, “Emily, leave right now! It’s not saf-” He’s hit in the back of the head with a metal baseball bat. My body because rigid as the same gun Cody drops is raised at my head.