Sara IV

May 25th, 2013

Grace’s mother, Virginia sets breakfast on the table. “How are you feeling today?” She asks again. She always asks this.

“Better,” I smile, unsure if it’s real or not.

“That’s good to hear. Don’t feel like you need to do things you don’t want to, Sara. Take your time.” She watches with her head resting on her palm. She’s always been this warm ever since she decided she could trust me.

“Yeah, I know.”

“How’s your brother? I haven’t gotten a chance to ask when you went to see your mom’s grave.”

“He’s doing fine.”

“Out of trouble?”

“No…”

“I see. You just stay out of trouble then,” Virginia pauses then sighs. “When you’re done here can you wake Gracie up? She’s been having more late nights with her friends lately. You think she’s out drinking?”

“Is that bad?”

Grace wouldn’t tell me where she was when she crawled next to me in bed, mistaking it to her own. I know who her friends are and they aren’t the type to stay out late, at least not yet. Maybe she did go out with Andrew, but even she isn’t that stupid. Then I wonder where the note came from. Then again, It’s Andrew.

“I don’t know. I haven’t really decided if I want to be that strict or not.”

“Do you want to be?”

“It’s a lose-lose situation for me. I don’t let her go out and she rebels and if I do I lose my little girl either way.”

“I think she’ll be okay. She’s a good girl.”

“Yeah. Yeah.”

I like it when Virginia and I talk like this. It’s better when she treats me like a friend and even her daughter instead of an inmate. She’s no devil and by far the closest thing I have for an angel right now. She keeps me in line and sane. Even though I don’t remember the past few months, Virginia is the only thing that isn’t a blur.

“Honey, you’re bleeding again.”

I go to wipe my nose but nothing is there. “Where?”

“On your scab, silly.”

I look over to arm where I have a small cut from scraping it on a bunch. It took about an hour of convincing Virginia that I wasn’t cutting. “Oh, how dumb.”

My adopted mother smiles and walks back to the sink to finish washing the dishes.

-

I wake Grace up from the bed and read the note from Andrew again while she groans out of my bed.

Today is when the senior class graduates and we all get ready to see our friends graduate. Grace and I get ready but my brother needs me.

We assigned Cody’s and Emily’s treehouse to be our meeting spot after we met them. It’s close by and easy to find. It’s an even better place to hide from somebody since anyone who doesn’t know where it is can’t find it.

I expected Andrew to be there by the time I got there. He wasn’t. Instead, all I found was a broken tree on the ground with the treehouse in pieces. Burnt photographs are everywhere. The tree is broken near its stump with a good half of it still standing. It’s been struck by lightning. My brother shows up a few minutes after I started observing the tree.

“Happened during last night’s thunderstorm. I don’t think Emily would be too pleased,” He says as gently kicked the dead tree.

“What’s happening, Andrew?”

“Shit’s fucked up, sis,” Andrew sits down on the tree stump that's’ been there for ages. “Do you remember everything when you ran away? Remember who found you?”

I scoff. “No of course not. What’s going on?”

“Did they fucking tell you to say that?”

Andrew is pissed. He’s calm but pissed. This isn’t like him. I don’t know what’s going on. He’s bringing up things that I don’t even remember. Do I remember?

“No. Andrew, I don’t remember anything.” All I can remember is the darkness.

I don’t even know why I don’t remember. I’m smart enough to know that my brain is just trying to protect me. I just don’t know from what or why but it doesn’t matter. I’m alive and I have to appreciate that.

Andrew stands up and walks up to me. He looks like he hasn’t showered or even slept in days. He’s suffering. “What?! How can you not fucking remember?!”

“I don’t, okay?” I take a step back.

Andrew is delirious. He’s mad. “What the fuck, Sara?! Fucking tell me what I need to know. Did Lyle find you and bring you back to me as he said? Did he fucking held you captive? Did he do anything to you? Remember, bitch!”

“What the fuck are you on about?” I take another step back. This is the Andrew that I know; that I’m scared of. “Have you slept? Are you okay?”

“Jesus fuck, Sara!”

“What?!”

He’s pacing around like a madman. I’ve never seen him like this before. He’s always so composed and lighthearted. Andrew stops for a second and takes a deep breath. “Okay, okay. I need a favor yeah?

“What happened? Tell me.”

“Can you talk to Cody for me? Fucker has me blocked on everything.”

I shrug, “For good reason, no?”

“Just talk to him, yeah? Tell him I need his help. I know I fucked everything up and that I’m sorry. Tell him I can put all the pieces back where they belong.”

“Andrew, what the fuck is going on?”

Andrew stands in front of me again and just smiles. “Everything will be alright, yeah? You’re my whole world.”

“Drew…”

“Just ask, okay?

“Okay.”

Andrew slaps his legs and smiles at me. He laughs. It’s good to hear it again, it’s been a while. “How’s living at Grace?”

“It’s fine, I guess.”

“Fuck I guess it’s pretty boring eh? You seem to be teaching Grace some things no? She’s not the virgin fuck when we first met her.”

“Virginia checks my room every day, it’s not like I can hide anything if I wanted too. What makes you think I’m teaching Grace anything?”

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“Isn’t it obvious?”

I scoff then giggle. “I know Cody and you aren’t in the best of terms, but why don’t you sit with us during lunch anymore? You know I miss you.”

Andrew sits back on his tree stump. I walk over to the broken treehouse and lightly kick it. “The fucker hates me, don’t sugarcoat it, yeah? It’s better doing my own thing.”

“No, yeah, I get it.”

“It’s always been me, only me.”

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“It’s not time, Sara. I’m just trying to figure shit out. Listen,” Andrew stands up and walks towards me. “I gotta do my thing. Take care, yeah?” My brother hugs me.

“Just stay safe, okay?”

“Always,” he laughs.

I have Andrew here now, I need to tell him about Dad. He’s the one person I trust with that secret I just don’t know how he will react and I’m scared of it. I’m afraid he’ll murder him or doe something else equally as stupid. I need to tell him I’m gay, but he’ll disown me if I do. I kept this charade for so long that the entire school thinks I’m straight. Now I have nothing and there isn’t any need to keep the charade any longer.

But I let Andrew go.

Cody’s name is called up for his diploma. He looks proud and everyone cheers for him. He hasn’t changed much. he has long hair that he pulls back now. Cody also exclusively wears plain v-necks nows. Grace cheers for him loud enough to hurt my ears.

Then, one by one everyone else gets their diploma. In one year that’ll be me up there. It’s a weird thought that I might make it that far. It makes me proud to know that I have been strong enough to hold on for this long. I still have one more year though.

It’s Chris who closes off the ceremony with a special speech. I don’t know why or how he’s up there. He’s no valedictorian but somehow he is. He has already made the stupid speech about success and the next step but this one feels different.

“My entire life I knew I was destined for greatness,” he starts. “I think we all do. I think that’s why we live; to achieve that greatness whatever it is. Everyone always tells me that I can do more, that I am better and more special than everyone else. I think that’s not true. No, I know it’s not true. I’m not any more special than the 100 students sitting down in front of me and the other 400 in our school. I’m an oddball; I’m not normal and have little friends. I’m reduced to use simple vocabulary so others may understand me. I’m often mocked for the way I dress and the things I do. But that’s the beauty in this one life we have. We have a choice to believe what we want to believe. I believe in many things and I don’t believe in many accepted things. We as humans are evil, as a whole. As individuals though, we are beautiful. By ourselves, we are gentle and kind. We do not wish to hurt other people. We love and cherish each other but sadly that is corrupted by the presence of others.”

Everyone is quiet and is paying close attention. Some have even taken their phone outs to record.

“We are human beings. We are conscious and have more things to live for than the simple purpose of survival. But we have lost our way. Everything done is for survival of greed. Countries must live so people may die in riches. But that is not the way. We should live for the change that we must cause in not this world, but in the universe. We must make our mark in this universe to prove to God or the vast nothingness that we are individuals. The universe and this world are much strangers than anyone thinks. Everything works in harmony to exist. Everything seems so random when it isn’t. Everything is for purpose. As human beings, we want nothing but to understand this world and be happy. That is everyone’s goal in life. Everyone will try denying you this happiness. They try because they, themselves have not achieved it and are taken over by their greed and wish others not to have it either. We are nothing more than angels trying to climb back up to the heavens. We are good and evil. We are the manifestation that creates our happiness and somewhere in life, someone’s happiness. We are selfish but selfless. We will be forgotten, but our destruction and love will carry on. We exist. You see things through your eyes and try to imagine a world where nothing exists. When you can’t, that’s when you realize that life is a miracle and should be treasured. We are not perfect, and we have centuries and millenniums of knowledge yet to learn. My sins may not be forgiven, but my sins will be forgotten eventually. I am not sorry for those sins, but I am sorry for not knowing how to not be evil. This is the last thing we as humans have yet to re-learn because somewhere along the road of our existence, we have forgotten it.”

There’s large-massive-football-stadium applause.

My stupid brain has no idea what to think about this.

All the seniors are in the football field and parking lot taking pictures with their friends and family. I try to find Cody and I spot him going inside the school. I lie to Virginia and Grace and tell them I need to pee so I can go inside.

I find Cody sitting against Emily’s old locker. He stares at his diploma and doesn’t bother looking up when I stand in front of him. He hasn’t been the same since she left and I feel bad. This is my fault and I never really apologized. Cody never really seemed to hold it against me.

“Are you alright?” I ask him.

Cody looks up and puts his diploma down. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Do you know what’s going on with Andrew? I saw him today, he’s panicking about something. He never panics.”

Cody stares at me without saying a word. I should have not opened with that. “Why are you asking me?”

“He asked me to tell you to go talk to him.”

“No.”

“He says he needs your help.”

Cody stands up and wipes off the bit of dust of his gown. “Maybe he shouldn’t have driven Emily away then. She doesn’t talk to me anymore, Sara.”

Emily and I talk almost every night. I asked her about it and honestly, I don’t blame her. Everything went into a downward spiral of shit and nothingness after Ellie died. Emily took the only opportunity to leave it all behind, I would too.

“She was leaving anyway. It isn’t his fault, or yours.”

“Don’t kid me, Sara. Everything is his fault. Everything is my fault too.”

He’s hurting.

“Is everything my fault too?”

“No,” he scoffs. “You’re just another victim of our crimes.”

“And what are those?”

“I like control, Sara. I hate it when I don’t. Everything falls apart when it doesn’t. Your brother, Andrew, he’s a madman. He thrives on it. It’s like a chemical reaction and with a little push, well, everything explodes.”

“Is that what you think what happened?”

“Well, what do you think happened?”

I sigh. “That everything doesn’t matter. It happened because it happened. Everything and everyone is fucked up. You can’t blame the chaotic nature of the world.

Cody smiles and then laughs. At least his sense of humor hasn’t gone away. He sits back down and rests his head against Emily’s locker. “Maybe,” he sighs. “Maybe everything doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah,” I cross my arms and uncross them again.

“Was Andrew really panicking?”

“Surprised?”

“A bit.”

“Do you really hate him?”

Cody chuckles and shakes his head. “I don’t know. Don’t really like him very much, but I don’t think I hate him.”

“So will you talk to him?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Thanks.”

“How’s Emily?”

She’s been talking to a new guy and she won’t shut up about it. She’s been happy. She’s coming to town in a week for the summer. She told me not to tell Cody, told me to keep it a surprise. Emily will explain herself when she gets here. “She’s doing fine. Says New York is a bit boring.”

“More boring than here?” Cody laughs then gets up. “She’s crazy if she thinks that. Tell Andrew I’ll think about it. I’ll catch you later, my parents are waiting for me.”

I watch Cody leave and he passes a girl who’s walking towards us. She’s hardly recognizable, but it’s Jana Kramer. She just keeps getting worse as time goes on. Cody stops her and says something to her. I watch Jana move her bangs out of her eyes and say something back then moves along towards me. I rest my back against Emily's locker and watch Jana walk by. Her eyes meet with mine and we linger.

I get home just before it gets dark. Gracie’s mom, Virginia is in the living room reading a book while Gracie is locked in her room doing god knows what.

One of the things I hate now is sleeping. The process of trying to sleep keeps me up at night and when I do sleep it's nothing but nightmares. It’s so tiring. Every night it’s the same shit. I get ready for bed, turn off the lights and lie down for two hours. Then it is nothing but reliving memories that I want to be gone forever. They keep me up and often drive me insane for the night before I eventually pass out of sheer exhaustion. And then the nightmares come where I’m experiencing everything all over again and it makes me hate myself again.

I call myself a whore.

I call myself worthless.

Then everyone abandons me; leaving me to wake up screaming in the middle of the night. It happens at least once a week. Gracie never hears it, but Virginia does and she always comes in to calm me down. She understands everything somehow and never gets mad at me. It’s weird since she almost hated me in the beginning.

Sometimes I still think about killing myself.

It sucks. I hate not having the energy to get out of bed sometimes. Then I wonder if my problems are real problems and not just stupid white privilege teenage girl problems. So what if your mom bitches at you and you don’t get what you want. I lost the most loving mother of all time. And so what if daddy doesn’t love you, they should see mine. I can’t stand watching that kind of television anymore.

Some days I just don’t know what to do so I just spend it watching movies and eating. There are days where hunger doesn’t even cross my mind. I wish I had the will to hang out with my friends at school. It’s been a while since I have.

I bet this all sounds stupid and depressing. I’m wallowing myself in sadness and I don’t think people enjoy those kinds of people. I just pray that one day I can wake up with a reason to have a smile on my face. It’s been a long time since I had one of those days.

Tonight is one of those good nights where I can have a smile on my face. The three of us in this little family we have ended up playing UNO on living room carpet. A year ago the gang would have been at the graduation party getting fucked up and even more fucked up. That’s how it’s been ever since we became friends. Now we’re all split up and I’m playing UNO with a girl I barely met 9 months ago and her mother who took me in without any benefit to herself.

I never win, but it doesn’t matter.

It’s moments like these that make me feel human.