Andrew: Final
I'm awoken by the shouting of Emily and Soran. My suspicions have been confirmed, Emily just couldn’t stay away. I guess she was just waiting until the wedding was over. I hear Soran shut the front door while I walk over to the bathroom to take a piss.
“Emily you’re such a fucking idiot!” Jerrica yells down the hallway. I spot Emily storming off into her room and slamming the door. Jerrica meets me as I walk out of the bathroom. “How can you just wake up? Jesus, can you believe her?”
I just shrug. “What happened?” I ask but it’s just courtesy.
Jerrica leads me back to her room. “She cheated on Soran. With Cody. I can’t fucking believe her.”
“Oh, I knew that,” I say jumping back into bed.
“What?!”
“Yeah, you can read it all over her face last night. I’m surprised you didn’t notice.” But yeah, Emily is an idiot. Soran’s a cool guy, bummer I’ll probably won’t see him any time soon.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Wasn’t my place. It being a wedding and all, y’ know?”
Jerrica jumps on top of me and lands on my chest. I wince and grab her waist to pull her down. “You’re an idiot, Andy,” she giggles. “Listen, I know you were going to spend the day with your sister, but can I come too? I would rather not deal with Emily today.”
I kiss my fiance in the forehead. “She wouldn’t mind, but don’t you think Emily needs her sister right now?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you told me to be there for my sister all those years ago, now it’s your turn. She’s hurting. Emily needs you.”
Jerrica gets up from my arms and sits on the edge of the bed. “I know. It’s just-she really pissed me off. She messed up. Ems needs to sit and think about what she did.”
“Fine, but be there for her tomorrow.”
Listen to me. I’m being the voice of reason for once. I truly wonder how I would feel about myself if I knew I was going to be here three years ago. Love is a messed up thing. It changed me. I’m still wondering if this is something I want. I’ve gone soft. Jerrica looks at me, and I look at her. For once I feel like I don’t have something to prove. For once it feels like I have a reason to live.
-
Virginia is the one who opens the door. Her smile lights up the second she sees me. “Andrew! It’s so good to see you!” She says while she hugs me. My mother, I guess I would call her turns her attention to Jerrica. “And you must be Jerrica. Andrew has told me so much about you!”
Jerrica and Virginia hug. “It’s good to finally meet you!”
“Wait, Mom. You knew about Jerrica?!” Sara says walking into the frame.
“Well yeah?”
“How come you never told me?!”
“You never asked,” Virginia chuckles. “Come in, come in!”
Virginia has kept the house looking great. No doubt Sara has been helping her out too. “You have such a lovely home. No wonder Andrew decided to stay with you guys.” Jerrica notes.
I hug my sister and say, “Jerrica, don’t flatter her. Now Virginia will never shut up about it when I call.”
“It’s Mom to you, mister.”
“Mom?! I lived with you for a year.”
“And if it wasn’t for me,” Virginia points to me and Jerrica and moves her fingers together, “You two wouldn’t have happened,” she laughs and Sara joins her.
“God, I missed this,” Sara comments.
Virginia makes us tea like she always does. She sits down Jerrica and asks her a million questions. At first, it's mostly about me. After I left the house two years ago, I disappeared for six months because I had to tie up loose ends. The only one I contacted was Virginia, Jerrica, and Cody. I only let her know if I was doing okay but not much else. Virginia is still wondering what I was doing.
“He was helping out a friend,” Jerrica answers.
Virginia drops it then asks Jerrica a hundred more questions. Eventually, she asks what everyone seems to ask. “Jerrica, when was the day that you knew you were meant to be with Andrew?
Sara and I look at each other. She bites her lips because I know she’s dying to know as well. Jerrica looks at me and gives me that soft smile she knows I love. “I don’t think there was a day. It’s just something that happened over the course of us being together,” Jerrica giggles. “But if you ask Andy when that day was him, it was the day he met me.”
“Shut up!” I roll my eyes.
I know the exact moment. When I first met her, she got under my skin and all I wanted was to fuck her. Once I did, it didn’t feel right. I wanted more. I wanted to know more about her. I spent an entire year just texting her and even that wasn’t enough. I spent that entire year trying to figure out how to go and live in New York. I got scholarships and a job before I even went. Jerrica was my only goal. But still, that wasn’t enough.
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It was at some stupid night a few months ago. We had gotten froyo and Jerrica wanted to walk around Central Park. I just wanted to go home but Jerrica just came from a stressful day at school. I just wanted to make her happy so I complied. There wasn’t a magical moment or anything special happen. Jerrica simply walked ahead of me so she could look down the bridge. Once when she looked back up at me to catch up, that’s when I knew. I wish I could live in that moment forever. There isn’t a moment more special than that very moment that I knew I wanted my life to be with this woman.
And yet I can’t stop feeling like I don’t deserve her.
“I’m really happy for you, Andrew,” Virginia smiles while she places her chin on her palm. “Thanks for proving my initial doubts about you wrong. You’ve really grown.”
Sara laughs, “What a strange world.”
“Life works in mysterious ways,” Jerrica says.
I hold my fiance’s hand. The doubt starts to creep back in. The ghosts are coming back. “I hate you all,” I laugh.
Once all questions are over, once Virginia is satisfied knowing I’m okay, she lets us go. Sara wants us to go to our mother’s grave before the rain gets too heavy again. Jerrica stays quiet throughout most of the car ride because she knows this time is special to us.
Mom’s grave is nothing special. It’s never been. Sara knows what Mom was and yet she’s still here. Sara kneels down and feels the gravestone. “I’m sorry you didn’t get the help you needed,” she says. Sara stands up and turns to me and Jerrica. “Thanks for coming.”
“Yeah sure.”
Sara shakes her head. “I know we agreed to spend the day together but knowing you’re being taken care of, I’m fine with just the visit, Andrew.”
“You okay? Why are we here again?”
Sara smiles, “Never better,” she giggles. “I just wanted Jerrica to know where you’re coming from?”
“Huh?” Jerrica and I say simultaneously.
“Sorry, I’m being weird,” Sara laughs nervously. “What I mean, Jerrica is that we didn’t have the best parents. We didn’t have decent parents. It left Andrew to become very angry and I was always afraid there was going to be a day where something will push him too far. I’m just glad that you’re here to show him that life gets better. I’ll be honored to be your in-law.”
Jerrica grins and walks over to hug my sister. I can’t help but frown. I was already pushed too far. I’ve been broken for far too long. Jerrica is just hiding my ghost from me, it’s never going away. Shit, I can smell everything from that day again. I want to throw up.
I don’t think I can do this.
-
We get home so Jerrica can talk to Emily, but she isn’t there. She isn’t responding to her phone either. Emily, she couldn’t do it either. She made her bed and now has to live with it. I made mine three years ago and I still haven’t slept in it.
Jerrica sits down next to me and pulls up some possible venues she would want on her phone. Everything looks so expensive but hell, it’s worth it, right? “I know we really haven’t talked about it with everything going on but what’s your time frame? I don’t mind getting married this year, but I’ll rather wait until next year. Maybe in spring before all the summer weddings take place.”
“A whole year?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty normal. It gives us plenty of time to plan.”
“Hmm, yeah. I can wait that long.”
“Good,” She sighs in relief. Jerrica then pulls out a spreadsheet on her phone. “I couldn’t sleep last night so I spent most of it trying to figure out our budget for everything. Assuming my mom can help out, we can be a little bit lavish.”
I look at the spreadsheet and everything is already planned out. Jesus, Jerrica spent some time on this. All of a sudden it all becomes too real. It’s like she isn’t even double thinking anything. She notices and asks if I’m okay. “I know it’s early, but don’t you think you’re overplanning things already?”
“No? C’mon, it didn’t even take me long. What’s wrong?”
“I uh-” Shit. I don’t know what to say. I think back to the wedding last night. That dude died in front of us. It didn’t even phase me but Jerrica wouldn’t stop freaking out about it. She loves me, but she still doesn’t know. “Jerrica, are you sure you want to be with me?”
Jerrica backs off. “Whoa, what do you mean?”
I can see the panic in her. “It’s just, I’m no good.” I think about the words Virginia said about me. I think about the words Sara said about me. “I don’t deserve you.”
Jerrica doesn’t say anything and instead holds my hand. She kisses my cheek and says, “Don’t be stupid. You’re my everything.”
“Even though I’m a shithead? I’m hotheaded, I fight, I’m impulsive and reckless?”
“Yes, dummy.”
“Even though I’m a criminal? I’ve sold drugs, I was tied to the biggest gang in the state. Even though I hurt so many people just to amuse myself?”
“And you’re not any of that anymore,” Jerrica’s eyes scowl at me. It’s not often she hears me talk like this.
The ghost comes back with open arms. I have to tell her. “Jerrica, I-” I pause, letting go of her hand. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I’m too far gone.”
Jerrica backs off again.
“There’s things that you wouldn’t forgive me about. It’s not fair if I don’t tell you. It’s not fair if I don’t share everything about what I’ve done.”
“Did you cheat on me?” Jerrica asks so softly, so scared.
I shake my head without even looking at her. It hurts to look at her right now. “Back when I was running things for Lyle. I killed someone. I killed someone that didn’t do me any wrong. He just owed a little bit of money and I didn’t care. I think about it almost every day. I felt nothing when I did it; I’m a monster.”
Nothing happens. I wait then nothing happens. I wait and still nothing happens. Jerrica doesn’t move. The world doesn’t move. I just want this to be over. I just want Jerrica to tell me to get out and to never talk to her ever again. I want my sins to finally catch up to and give me everything I deserve. I could never make it right, I was a fool for thinking I could just ignore it for the rest of my life.
But nothing happens.
Instead, Jerrica lifts my chin so I’m forced to look at her. She wipes away the tears and pulls my head to her chest. “It’s okay,” she says softly.
“Wha-?”
“Shh,” she hums. “Andy, it’s okay.”
I try to pull away but Jerrica doesn’t let me. My body goes limp and I feel the tears coming out faster. What is this? Jerrica isn’t letting me go. I don’t get it. Is this woman really that thickheaded?
“Do you want to know what’s the best thing about you, Andy?” Jerrica says, letting me go so I can face her. “It’s the fact that you’re so strong. Stronger than you know. I know it took everything in you to tell me that. It’s been killing you inside, hasn’t it?”
I wipe away the tears that I can. “I don’t understand. What are you doing? I’m not who you think I am. I’m too far gone.”
Jerrica smiles, “You’re so strong that you don’t even realize your own strength. Yet we found the one thing you’re not strong enough to face,” she holds my hand. “I’ll say you’re pretty lucky to have someone who can help you be strong enough to face it.”
I look at Jerrica. No, she’s not just Jerrica. She’s my girl, my fiance. She’s my everything. I look at her now and she’s never been more beautiful. She’s so gorgeous that she shines so bright she might as well be the sun. Everything goes away. It’s just me and Jerrica in the darkness. The ghost that surrounds me starts to fade away. I’ve endured so much. She still stands next to me. Jerrica isn’t leaving. She’s accepting me and my ghost.
Jerrica’s lips are soft as always.