Sara

September 20th, 2012

Sometimes, we know someone who’s so inexplicably perfect. She’s someone who can give, and give, and give until there’s nothing left. But no matter what, for no reason, she’s ripped away from our lives. And there isn’t a thing we can do about it.

I’ve been told that it always comes back as a ghost. I’ve been told that we can only run. I’ve been told another option is to keep falling. My mother always wanted the best out of us. Now without her, we’re more adrift than ever. And it’s more than that. We’re so fucking lost we don’t even know who we are anymore. Andrew and I, we’re so damn broken nothing can repair us.

Andrew is fighting with our dad again. I wake up like this every day. It’s hell to get through my morning routine with those to shouting.

The house is a mess, the lights barely work and the water is always cold. The shouts stop while I stare at my naked body on the dirty bathroom mirror. Disgusting, pathetic and weak.

No, it’s not good to think about that.

Andrews slams through the door and takes a half-second look before tossing me a small bag of cocaine. “Put some damn clothes on, Emily is coming in a few minutes,” He says slamming the door shut.

I do a bump…and then another. Yeah, this stuff is the best. I don’t know where Andrew gets it, but it’s fucking amazing. Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever give a shit and arrest him.

I start to giggle, and everything starts to feel so…intense. As I stretch my arms upward, I can feel all the energy rushing through my body.

“Sara!” My piece of shit father screams. All he does all day is sit on the couch all day getting drunk and fucking some random prostitutes while living on our mother’s inheritance. He doesn’t give a shit about anything, especially not me or Andrew. It’s been like that ever since Mom died.

It’s no wonder why I’m gay and Andrew is turning out like him. We’re probably the most fucked up family in the city.

Lucas, the guy I’ve been fucking walks out of the bathroom first. It’s really unsatisfying, disgusting even. So much so that I have to throw up every goddamn time after we finish.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, babes,” he winks at me.

“You should really stop and just come out already,” Emily says. She has been standing next to the bathroom door the entire time. I know she knows what’s best and loves me to death…but I just can’t bring myself to follow her advice.

“Can we just go?” I sigh.

Emily nods, “Yeah, but can you grab Grace for me and meet me at my car?”

I sigh again. “We’re bringing her? Why can’t you get her?” I complain like usually do when plans are changed.

“She’s our friend, come on. Besides, it’s not like she knows anyone else. I have to meet Cody in the meantime.”

“Yeah sure.”

Grace is sitting alone in the cafeteria again. It’s pathetic and cute at the same time. I wish she was a little bit older, or at least looked older. And maybe even have a little better sense in style. I mean, she’s wearing a deep v-neck at a petty attempt to show off her non-existent boobs. Her hair is pretty though. She has light blonde hair a half-foot past her shoulders that would look gorgeous if the sun ever shone. Like Emily told me, “She’ll grow up to be a hottie.”

“Grace, come on, Emily’s waiting for us,”

“Why? Where are we going?” she says standing up.

“Out for lunch, you don’t want to come?”

Grace crosses her legs and hands. “I thought freshmen aren’t allowed to go off campus.”

“They won’t care if you’re with us. I’m a Junior and she’s a Senior, it’ll be fine so come on.”

Emily is outside her car and Chris is surprising with her. I’ve known him since freshman year and he has not once broken a promise or told a secret. Although he does like to share his thoughts on people. Even though he is always drugged out, he has the best and most useful advice anyone can give.

Chris is deer in headlights staring at the dark gray, gloomy sky to notice anything. I wonder what drug is he on. It’s probably LSD or some hallucinogens, his favorites.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Gracie,” He says. Chris looks down and examines her from top to bottom and back up again. Even though the two have been around each other, I think this is the first time Chris has said a word to her. He is so odd.

Emily takes us to the Diner that’s right on the only entrance of Darkwood. The place serves the best coffee around, even better than in Seattle. We like to come here when we get tired of the mundane food the school gives us. We could go anywhere else like the rest of the Seniors and Juniors do but we like it here.

Andrew is surprisingly already here. He probably skipped class to come here. Emily and Grace say hello and go inside while I stick with Chris and my brother. “What are you doing here?” I ask.

Chris and Andrew shake hands and I see an exchange of drugs and money. I almost have forgotten that my brother is a drug dealer. Andrew gets it from his supplier, Chris buys from him and gives it to us; often for free. This is how it’s been since the start of high school.

“What’cha want Sara?” My brother asks. “Go inside. Chris and I have business.”

“You don’t have to hide it from me. Is this the whole reason you’re here?”

“Why do you care?” my brother laughs.

Andrew is right. I should be inside with Emily and Grace. Maybe I have this delusion that I’ll finally be able to tell my brother that I’m gay and everything I’ve been doing was to keep that hidden from him. Andrew is the only person I can rely on. Emily comes a close second but nobody understands me better than my brother. But he’s such a homophobe. He hates Isaac and it’s the only reason why Isaac doesn’t hang out with us that much. If Andrew knew I was gay, he would disown me. I can’t have that.

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“Whatever, dick,” I say and go inside.

“What was that about?” Emily asks.

“Nothing,” I sigh.

Chris comes in alone a few moments later. Andrew has to have a different reason for being here. They could have just done this at school. It doesn’t matter. Andrew will forever be Andrew and there’s nothing I can change that. “What’s going on?” Chris speaks.

“Grace was just talking about how different Darkwood feels than any other place in the world,” Emily answers.

The waitress comes in and asks for our orders. Grace orders some fries and some coffee. Emily gets the same but adds some toast. Chris gets an entire burger and a coke while I don’t order anything for myself.

“You don’t like the town?” Chris asks.

Gracie shakes her head. “It’s not that I don’t, it’s just the atmosphere here is different. Emily drove me around a couple of days ago. You’re all right, there isn’t much to do.”

“You just haven’t looked in the right places. Ellie’s suicide riled the town up, it’ll be back to normal soon.”

We all stay quiet. I’m still in disbelief that she’s gone. Part of me still feels sick that I could have stopped it. She talked to me about it, how could I have not seen it? We understood each other because of this, we became friends because of this. She didn’t want to die because she wanted to, she wondered how it’s like to die. She wondered!

A lot of people blame us for what happened to her. I’m not sure I disagree with them. It started with us and it ended with us. Now with each passing day, the rumors grow and the hate becomes bigger. Ellie’s best friend Megan doesn’t let anyone forget.

Our food arrives and Grace comments on how good the coffee is. Emily tells us a joke and we all laugh, even Chris.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Grace says getting up.

“I’ll come with,” Ems gets up as well.

“You think it’s a good idea for Grace to be around us?” Chris asks me once they leave. “I’m starting to think we’re not good people.”

“Since when did you grow a conscience?”

“I haven’t. I’m just speaking your thoughts,” again, Chris is an oddball. He’s always saying weird shit like this. For being the smartest guy in school, maybe even the state, he sure is dumb when he talks a lot of the time.

“Chris the drugs are getting to you.”

Chris chuckles, “Maybe.” He pulls out the baggie Andrew gives him. The small pink powder comes out when he lightly taps it on top of Grace’s coffee.

“Chris what are you doing?!”

He just smiles, “Relax, it’s just molly.”

“Yeah and here I thought you actually cared. Are you insane?!”

“Yeah.”

“She’s not drinking that.”

“Sara, you and I both know she’s going to do it eventually. She’s going to be corrupted just like all of us. The best we can do is watch over her.”

Fuck, Chris is insane. I’m more insane for letting it happen. Grace and Emily come back and I say nothing as the new addition to our group takes a drink. I’m not a good person. I never was. Grace needs to learn what this town is about anyways, I guess Chris is right.

Emily texts me with this exact concern right before 8th. I find the two just outside Emily’s car in the student parking lot. “What do you think Chris gave her? That asshole what was he thinking?”

Grace can’t sit still but at the same time is feeling every part of her body. She’s unresponsive and giggles a lot. “Molly, maybe,” I tell Emily.

“Chris never drugs people just for laughs. What the fuck was he thinking?” Emily responds while placing Gracie on the back seat of the car. “Anyways, I can’t take her home and she can’t come to mine. My dad gonna be home for a while.”

“Fuck, what about Isaac or Chris’?”

Emily shakes her head while she starts the engine. “Isaac is sick and Chris goes MIA after school.”

“Cody?”

Emily sighs, “What do you think?”

“Fuck,” I whisper to myself. “Alright but you owe me.”

Grace becomes too stubborn to enter my shit house and it takes Emily and me to get her inside. My dad is already passed out on the couch to notice. Grace crashes on my messed up bed and starts to giggle a lot. Emily bites her lips and wishes me luck before she leaves.

“Jesus, why did I let him?” I sigh.

For the next hour, it’s nothing but laughter from Gracie while I try to do my homework. She starts talking to herself and imaginary stuffed animals. At first, it’s a bit weird but it gets entertaining. She reminds me of the better times, when Dad wasn’t such a drunk and Andrew was still a good kid. I was happy and innocent back then, just like Grace right now.

A day doesn’t go by when I don’t miss mom.

Andrew slams through my room like he always does and crashes onto my bed, almost landing on top of Grace. “How’d you doing, Sis? What she doin’ ‘ere”

“Chris gave her molly and now she’s tripping and can’t go home,” I reply.

“I didn’t give Chris Molly today. I gave him a powder form of Winter. Andrew gets up and looks over my shoulder in my studies. “You forgot to carry the two,” he says, pointing to the math question I’ve been stuck on all day.

Winter? That’s the new drug that’s been going around the state. Why does my brother have it?

“Thanks. You know, you can do so much more than getting fucked up all the time,” I tell him. I can feel Andrew step back and sit on my bed. “You have the power to escape this shit hole, why not use it? I mean you’re almost as smart as Chris.”

Andrew chuckles. “We’re all shitheads Sara, I can’t change that. I’ll rather fuck and roll than to take it slow, y’ know? Speaking of which, there’s a party tomorrow down at Lucas’ want to go? First one since mine.”

I shake my head, “No I need to study for my math test tomorrow,”

“For fuck’s sake Sara, why the fuck not? Isn’t he your boyfriend?.”

I shake my head again, “Fuck off, Andrew!”

“Well fuck you too, bitch. You’re missing out.”

Andrew slams the door laughing.

Grace suddenly screams and it scares the shit out of me. She sitting up and her eyes aren’t the pretty hazel yellow anymore.

I rush over to her to comfort her. “Shh, Gracie, it’ll be alright. Nothing is here, you’re safe.”

“T-the blood. The blood. It’s al-all over me-me,” She stutters and her body is shivering.

“Grace, there’s no blood. You’re safe!”

“She-she just killed herself…in front of me..in front of me, Sara,” she says to me. Gracie wraps her arms around me and hugs me. She’s cold and shivering and is staring at her feet.

The rumors must have been true. Elizabeth did kill herself in front of poor Gracie. Emily told me that they were true, I just didn’t want to believe. Jesus, she must have been so scarred from that. Emily didn’t want her to go through school being known for the girl being there.

They questioned us first. How we knew her, who was she with, did she ever showed signs of being depressed, all that regular shit pigs ask? Of course, we all agreed to lie on how close we knew her. All I remember is us being friends at some point over the summer.

It was like a two-week-long investigation. They talked to everyone in the school. Ellie’s parents paid big money to find out who was responsible. It’s not something new here; we live right next to the suicide capital. Some even say that Darkwood is even worse.

Grace had nothing to do with Ellie’s suicide. It wasn’t fair for all of our irresponsible actions to cause everything like that.

Nothing has ever been the same after that night.

“Did you know her?” Grace asks me.

I try to remember all the drama that happened and everything that climaxed over summer. I nod my head. “It’ll be alright, Gracie,” I say.

It’s getting late at night and Emily is taking care of her dad. He’s being a drunken mess right now, just like mine. The poor freshman girl is almost passed out on my bed. Grace has calmed down and is just trying to rest. She told me that it felt like everything was trying to make her feel good and had a headache. Everything in her world moved slow and was euphoric.

While waiting for Emily, I stare myself naked at the bathroom mirror again. I examine every single bruise, cut, scar and tattoo. It’s nothing but a disgustingly beautiful work of art.

It’s times like these where I find peace.