Grace VI

Felix stands me up. He said that his business meeting is going to run all day. That’s okay though, I decided to spend the day with Liz instead. Mom and Sara are home, and Liz’s parents are too so we hang out at the park even though it’s raining. It’s a perfect place to smoke, under a gazebo and hidden away by the rain.

“I can’t believe we just went through the entire year without making an embarrassment of ourselves,” She says. “Jenny is such a mess.”

“Well I mean, there’s always Theo’s party tonight,” I say exhaling the smoke. “Maybe it’s a good time to barf on Peter.”

“Still holding that grudge?”

“Until the day I die.”

I pass the pipe to my best friend and watch her inhale but not exhaling. She coughs when she tries to speak, “Maybe you should actually just fuck him this time. Everyone already thinks you did.”

“I should have done a lot of things, Liz. Besides, Peter’s an asshole. He always acts like he can do whatever he wants.”

“Well yeah, he’s hot.”

“Yeah well, he sucks at getting hard.”

Liz laughs. “You should have put him on blast, maybe it would have knocked him down a peg.”

“It’s not really worth it. Besides, it wouldn’t work,” I say getting the pipe back from Liz. I smoke up. “Hey, you think what they say it’s true? That high school doesn’t matter after it’s over.”

“Well, IDK. Maybe. Why?”

“I’m just thinking about it, is all.”

Thinking is all I have been doing lately. I don’t even know what about lately. My mind’s been all over the place. The rain feels like it's been drowning the world. The world feels like it’s ending.

Sara keeps telling me that all of this popularity fades away through time. However, I think it’s easy to keep it. All I have to do is even get even more Instagram famous. I’ll become an influencer and keep being a bad bitch. But is that even what I want?

What do I want?

“Should I go to Theo’s?”

“Wait, you’re not?”

I shake my head. “Nah, I’m thinking that I should stay home. Y’know, maybe chill out for a bit.”

Liz almost snorts, “Grace Ciotta not going to Theo Masterson’s party? That’ll be a scandal.”

“Or maybe it’ll be a diss.”

I take another hit of the pipe and feel the full force of the high I’m getting. There’s nothing but rain and this Gazebo. The world doesn’t really seem to exist besides this place. Liz gets a call. By the tone of her voice, I just assume it’s her mother. I don’t pay much attention to it while I check my phone. There’s some major shit going on with Emily according to Sara. Last night was a weird night. I wonder what could have happened. I text Cody to see if he knows anything.

“Shit, I gotta go. My mom has to take my sister to the hospital, her fever is going up. Do you want a ride home?”

I shake my head. “It’s fine. I’ll call Sara to pick me up when I’m ready.”

Liz readies her umbrellas and hugs me. “Let me know if you're coming tonight. Get home safe.”

“You too.”

I stand up and feel the rain with my hand when she leaves. The world does feel like it’s ending. Sometimes, especially today, it feels like there is no future. Fuck, the future. I keep thinking about it. I don’t know how to get a job, make a resume, pay my taxes. I don’t know how politics words, I don’t know how the world works. I don’t know how to have sex, I don’t know how to be honest, I don’t know how to be myself.

Everything I’ve done in the past was constructed to be something that isn’t me. It’s all plastic. It’s all bullshit.

It’s not real.

I’m a nerd, I’m a geek. I like video games, computers, and mathematics. I like to stay at home and read books. I fucking hate going to parties, I hate being drunk. I hate being high on cocaine and ecstasy because all it does is bring out the Grace that I hate. The cool Grace, the fun Grace.

I hate myself.

I open up my umbrella and walk down the path of the park. At another Gazebo, I spot Chris sitting alone on top of the table. He’s still wearing that green parka of his. I haven’t seen him since he was committed. I thought he wouldn't come out anymore.

“Chris?” I call to him.

He looks up. He still looks the same as if he hasn’t aged. “Hey,” he says like we’re still friends.

“What are you doing here by yourself?”

Chris looks around and smiles, “I can honestly ask you the same.”

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“I was hanging out with a friend. She left to go see her sister at the hospital.”

“My friend left too. She had to pick up her kid from the babysitter. It’s good to see you, I’ve been thinking you’ve stopped existing.”

I wonder if he’s gotten any better, well I mean he has to be better. He’s outside and doing something at least. Still, it’s good to see a familiar face. Chris always has something interesting to say, something to think about. “Alive and well as much as anybody else,” I joke. “How you been?”

“Lost,” he says somberly. “But strangely clear-headed.”

“Huh.”

“You okay?”

Strangely, there’s a silence in the air. The rain seems to disappear. I see it, but it makes no noise. “Yeah, I guess,” I lie. I don’t know anymore.

Chris stands up from his seat. “I can tell when you’re lying. Did you know fear can control your heart? I recently found that out, like, an hour ago.”

I almost laugh, “So what am I supposed to do?”

“You let go.”

-

I think about what Chris told me earlier in the day. It’s all I can really think about while I nurse a red cup of beer at Theo’s party. One of the guys wants me to do a shot but I’m too cool for that. I look around for Liz but she’s nowhere to be found. I spot Ren talking to two other girls and I decide I should head over there.

A guy bumps into me and says, “Oh sorry,”

“It’s fine.”

“Oh, you’re Grace Ciotta!” The guy says like he’s surprised to see me. I had never seen him before.

“You know me?”

“Well yeah, everyone knows how you are.”

Of course. If you’re famous in one school, you’re famous in all of them. “And you are?”

“Sabastian, uh Garcia. I go to Mount Si?”

I laugh, “Right, because everyone is so cool at Mount Si,” I say sarcastically, “Leave me alone, I’m busy.” I tell him before I head over to Ren and her friends.

We find ourselves in the bathroom so Ren and Ayana can fix their make-up. “I hate my make-up today.”

“Why? It looks good,” I tell Ayana.

“Well, my eyeliner got into my eyeshadow, then into my mascara. It was a mess.”

“I mean, at least you don’t suck at matching your skin tone. I bought this contour the other day, it made me look like such a clown,” Ren giggles. “Anyone want a line?” She says pulling out a baggie.

“Don’t you have some ecstasy? I like that better,”

“Where do you guys even get all this shit?” I ask. Out of all the times I’ve gotten drugs, I never actually have made a drug deal. I wouldn’t mind doing one, I bet it’ll be cool.

“There’s this guy in Issaquah. He says he gets it from some big-name drug dealer but who really cares,” Ren smirks as she fixes her wing. “All that matters is that it’s in the market again.”

Ayana smacks her lips together, “Anyone seen Liz?”

“Yeah, she’s with Marcus. They’re hitting it off, finally. Probably fucking,” Ren laughs.

I wonder how college is going to be; just mindless parties and getting wasted. Sure, it’s fun but it feels like I’m at one of these twice a week. It’s how it is in Darkwood, everyone throws parties whenever they feel like. It doesn’t matter if there’s school tomorrow, it doesn’t matter if there is something big going on either. We party here. We do it because there is nothing better to do. We live off the high of getting drunk and wasted. We’re unlike any other town in the world.

And I’m tired of it.

Once I get tipsy enough, I head outside to catch some fresh air. The rain has slowed down to the point where it’s just a drizzle and I don’t have to worry about getting soaked. I came here with Ayana so I didn’t even realize where Theo lives. He’s right across Emily’s house.

I’m even more surprised to see two people getting out of a car that pulls up to the driveway. It’s Emily and her boyfriend. I watch Emily open the front door and the two head inside. They must be back from the wedding, no doubt.

“Hey Grace, What are you doing out here?” A voice says from behind me. It’s Theo. I should be the one asking that question, he’s the host of the party after all.

“Oh, just a breather.”

“Ah, well thanks for coming. Liz told me you weren’t.”

“Would it matter if I didn’t?”

“Uh, well yeah? I mean, you’re like the coolest person here.”

“So I been told,” I chuckle. “Don't you think it’s weird?”

“What is?”

“That we still care about who’s cool and who's not? I mean other schools in Seattle, they’re all about progressiveness and inclusivity. We’re not. All we care about is who is the most fun around.”

“I think you’re overthinking it, Grace,” Theo laughs. “The world just moves around us, we just like to take advantage of it.”

“What about you? Do you let the world move around you?”

“Hey, whatever gets me by. You okay?”

“Yeah, just fine. How about you get me another drink, mine’s empty,” I tell him, handing him my cup.

“Yeah, sure,” Theo complies and heads inside.

The world moves around me, huh? I guess Theo’s right. Everything that has ever happened has been out of my control. There are very few times where I actually got to say what I wanted to happen. I have no control.

That’s exactly what Chris told me.

That’s why I need to let go.

I sit down on the pavement and stare in front of me. I’m so lost. I’m so scared.

Emily opens the front door to her house and rushes over to her car. She’s frantic and searching for something. There’s something off about her. I want to head over and talk to her. Maybe she can say something to ease my mind. But I don’t have to. She notices me and starts to walk over.

“What are you doing here?” She asks. I look over to the house I just left. There’s faint music playing inside. “Oh, right,” she laughs nervously. “Why aren’t you inside?”

“I don’t know. It feels like I’m suffocating in there.”

Emily sits down next to me. Emily, my first friend, the one who told me I deserve to move past the suicide. “Yeah, I feel the same way right now? What’s going on?”

“Who knows. Lately, I’ve been thinking about the future. Like I don’t know what too once I move out of this town.”

“What about the future?”

I sigh. “I don’t know. I feel like I did everything wrong. I played a character, got everything I wanted and now I see that it wasn’t what I needed. I have been trying so hard to prepare but it keeps going backward.”

“The pants don’t fit anymore, huh?”

I giggle, “What?”

“I mean, you’re not the same person now than who you were. You’ve grown, Gracie. It’s okay to change how you see the world.”

I look at Emily. She’s still the prettiest person I know. Tonight though, she’s been crying. Her eyes are a bit wet and red. “I’m glad you’re back. It hurt how you cut us all out just like that.”

Emily frowns, “I’m not back. I hate it here. Nothing ever good happens. I’m sorry for just leaving, Grace, but it was the best thing I could do.”

“Oh.”

“But I think the way things are going now, I’m starting to doubt that myself.”

“You okay?”

“No,” She chuckles but it felt like a cry for help.

“No one’s really okay.”

Emily holds my hand.