Do you ever feel like maybe, just maybe you're a complete and utter moron? No? Just me then? Maybe that's why I'm so prone to finding myself in such unfavorable situations. 

So there I lay, ass burning like a forge and somehow as cold and wet as a fish, flopping around on the bank just waiting to die, or perhaps hoping to. But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. Let's start back at the beginning. Well, not all the way at the beginning. How about we start at my re-awakening? Where I took the first steps to being slightly less of a dumbass and began my little journey here.

Not that it seemed to help much. How many smart people do you know that find themselves with a backside burnt like a biscuit left in the oven too long? I'm guessing the answer is "zero", or at least I hope it is.

It all began on my fifteenth birthday. Or well, as close to my fifteenth birthday as I can approximate. I'm an orphan after all. When I was a few years old the church found me living on the streets and took me in. How did I get there? What was I doing to survive up until this point? Who would abandon a small child to the elements?

If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

Well, your guess was as good as mine, and the church certainly didn't say. Mother Patricia, that's the nun in charge of the orphans here, says I was probably abandoned because I was stupid and useless. Maybe she's right. Anyway, back to what's relevant. 

At the age of fifteen all humans become eligible to receive a card. Their soul has properly formed and has reached the stage where they can now slot a card. The church, in their generosity, has seen it fit to give every orphan they take in a card and a trade to support themselves. Provided that person gives them ten percent of their weekly wages until it's paid off, with a fair bit of interest on top of that. Generous, I know.

Anyway, you know me. Uh, wait, you don't. My name is Ozlo and this is my story. I can't believe I forgot to give you my name... See. Told you I was stupid.