I was in pure shock, dread eating away at my insides with more virulence than any acid or corrosive compound that I had been exposed to before. No, no, no, no, why the fuck did I do that! What the hell is wrong with me!
Panic started to rise within me, causing my heart rate and breathing to elevate. I fucked up. No, fuck up is too weak a description. There were no words to describe how much of a monumental mistake I just made. The one person in this world who I could rely on, and I just alienated her because I couldn’t keep my emotions in check.
The thought of ending up alone after everything we’ve been through was soul crushing. I didn’t know if I could survive without her. I started to become more introspective. Was I really attracted to her in that way? Was it just a coping mechanism to help me deal with all the bullshit? Some weird suspension bridge effect? If that was true, why did the thought of never seeing her again hurt so much?
I started to try and think about when it started, when I began to consider her more. Maybe it began when we first came here. She was always supporting me, always trying her best to make sure I could relax and have just a little fun every now and then. She made me smile, made me feel safe, insulated from a hostile world, and now there was a real danger of losing that.
I realized that I was starting to hyperventilate. It took a minute to get control of myself again before I passed out. Forcing slow breaths, I did my best to bring myself back from the cliff. Maybe I could try to walk it back, try to claim that there was just a lot of pressure on me, and she had always been so kind to me which led to me... doing that. It was just overstimulated emotions, yeah, that could work, and yet... I didn’t want to say it.
Somewhere in there, despite all the logic telling me that it would end badly if this wasn't undone, I felt like if it was said that I didn’t mean it, that it wasn’t real, I would be killing a part of myself. The realization came, and it inspired more dread inside of me. No matter how much it was twisted and turned over in my head, it came back to only a single conclusion. I... actually had feelings for her.
That kind of realization comes with its own brand of terror. That gut wrenching feeling of not knowing how things will turn out. Rejection, a single word that has crushed far greater men than me, and it was looming on the horizon. I could never truly undo what I did, it would change how we acted towards one another from this day forward. So, the question became, is it better to live in this awkward dance of denial for the rest of my life, or risk having my feelings and whatever relationship we could have stamped out?
Both options sounded equally terrifying. I was caught between them, unable to decide for fear of losing something important either way. Why can't it ever be simple? Why does everything I attempt to do have to require me to jump through far more hoops than the next person? And if I don’t stick the landing every time, then I stand to lose everything.
It was so frustrating, I wanted to tear my hair out and scream, but there wasn’t any strength left in my body. This had been the world shittiest emotional rollercoaster and my stomach couldn’t handle another loop. Exhaustion had seeped its way into my bones, depriving me of the will to act. I didn’t know what to do in this situation, so I shut down and did nothing.
Defeated, I rolled back onto my bed and curled up, hugging my chest for what little comfort it would provide. A presiding feeling of numbness swept over me, blocking out my emotions that were draining me. My eyes slowly closed, not to fall asleep, but just because the act of keeping them open, of being aware of reality was in and of itself a sapping feeling.
It must have been an hour of me just lying there, maybe more. It was in the gloom of the room that someone started to quietly open the door. My heart jumped in my chest, beating with dreadful anticipation of what might happen next. I could hear her softly moving through the room. My back was turned to the door, and I considered sitting up to talk with her, but I didn’t.
I continued to lie there, feigning unconsciousness. Kala stopped between our beds, and I felt her gaze upon me. A part of me hoped she would say something, to try and wake me up and give me an excuse to talk with her, but she didn’t. Her bed creaked slightly as she sat down on it and rolled up in the blanket.
We were so close to one another, yet it felt like a whole ocean was separating us. I kicked myself for being so pathetic that I would pretend to be asleep just to avoid a conversation that needed to happen. You’re a fucking coward.
I was so afraid and couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were, to just have a good friend who would support me even at my lowest. Now, though, I couldn’t even talk to her, pathetic.
All I could do was lay there and wallow in my own self-depreciating pity. A sorry sack of flesh who probably just ruined the one good thing going for them by virtue of being an emotional train wreck with no self-control. God, I felt like dying right then and there, but even that wouldn’t be an escape from this as I would just come right back to it.
The room felt unnaturally quiet, even for a time when we would be trying to sleep. It was suffocating, repressive, smothering, and every other adjective that could be used to describe this shitty situation. Eventually, somewhere down the line, I started to drift off to sleep after just lying there for who knows how long pretending.
Nothing came to haunt me that night. My mind was empty just like the rest of me. I truly felt hollow, an unfeeling being stuck in an endless downward spiral that I was desperately trying to survive.
Getting sleep did not help that feeling at all. I woke up early as usual, and quietly rolled over to look at Kala. She was still asleep, breathing calmly, and for just a few moments it seemed like nothing was wrong. Then I remembered what would happen once she woke up, what was to come should we decide to talk about what happened last night.
The dread returned, and like the coward I was, I ran from it. Getting out of bed while making as little noise as possible, I dressed myself and then proceeded out the door, closing it silently behind me. It was painful avoiding her, yet the pain of losing her entirely would be worse than even that. It was a desperate last attempt at prolonging the inevitable, just trying to create a few more precious moments where I could still consider her my friend before it all came apart.
The camp was very quiet this early in the morning. Very few people were moving about, mostly those who probably had the night shift on guard duty and were switching with the next group now. There was a chill in the air, yet it was barely perceptible to me. I just moved into the camp to get an early position in the food line.
The chef and his assistants were still in the process of preparing the morning meal, throwing ingredients into the cauldrons and preparing some others before adding it to the mass. They all moved about professionally and efficiently, showing that this was just a daily exercise for them.
I stepped into what would be the line in a little while and waited. My mind was racing through ideas of what to do faster than I could even keep track of them. One would pop up, I would consider it for all of two seconds, and then it would be discarded as soon as the next one came into being.
“Oi.” I flinched at the sudden noise that snapped me out of my thoughts. The chef apparently took notice of my presence and decided to address me. “You’re early, we don’t have anything for you.”
He received a lazy shrug from me. “Yeah, I'll uhm... I'll just wait.” I said dispassionately. It really didn’t matter where I decided to be, so I might as well just get food as quickly as possible. There was also the idea of running into Kala in line that made me shudder, so this was partially to avoid that confrontation as well.
The chef just raised an eyebrow at me before grunting and getting back to work. I remained standing, probably looking as vacant eyed as a zombie would. It didn’t even register when a couple of others had showed up behind me. My sense of time was skewed, I lost all track of it as I became embroiled in the conflict happening inside of me.
Eventually I was drawn back to reality when a bowl was placed in front of me. The chef was there looking disinterested after he plopped the food down in front of me. “Move along, you’re holding up the line.”
I grabbed it and got out of the way. The bowl was a little over half filled this time, maybe he just got lazy with the portion sizes. I realized that I was heading to the usual spot where we ate and froze mid step. My destination immediately changed to anywhere else, eventually finding a place in the camp that was relatively vacant.
Sitting on a box that was lying around, I started to eat. The thing that struck me most when I took the first bite was that it was rather tasteless. Despite me having lost out on a meal last night, there wasn’t a feeling of needing to eat. Even with my appetite missing, I forced myself to swallow the food. No matter the situation, eating was a necessity.
I choked down the meal, finding the act rather taxing. Once finished, I went to return the bowl, making sure Kala wasn’t anywhere around before handing it over. With nothing better to do, I followed my schedule and met up with Sert to begin the day. If nothing else, it might help distract me.
The trip to Sert’s lab was uneventful, and I ended up knocking on his door before I even knew it. “Enter.” His voice came from inside. Following the command, Sert turned to face me. “Ahh, James, you’re early.”
I put up my best ‘normal’ act. “Morning Doc, figured I'd make up for being late yesterday.”
“How very apt of you.” He paused for a second and seemed to look behind me. “Where is miss Kala?”
I felt uneasy even having to talk about her, like a pressure was forming in my chest when she was mentioned. “She uhm, is doing something else for a little while. Not sure if she will make it for this session.”
Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.
“Hmm, odd, she seemed quite attached to you, was rather adamant about that when we first met as well. Whatever it is must be important for her to separate from you.”
“Yeah, she... had some things she needed to work through.” I accidentally looked rather forlorn after saying that but quickly corrected myself. Sert was looking at me quizzically. Shit, did I let too much slip out? Mercifully, he dropped the subject.
“It feels like this is a personal issue, so I will not pry. If you wish to speak of it, then I will offer what help I can.” While he may not be pursuing it, he is still aware of it. Even though he offered to help, I didn’t feel like it was wanted. Talking about it felt like it would just make it all the more real. I had to be careful with letting it show through like that.
He launched into his experiments like nothing was different at the very least. I just kind of let him do whatever he wanted. Poke me, use some magic, check on the bitch's pet snake that she housed inside me like I was some sort of terrarium, the works. Even while doing my best to look like I was paying attention, my mind was elsewhere.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it, the eventual moment when we would have to talk. There was no other way out of this that could be seen, no matter how desperately I looked. There wasn't even hope that our relationship would continue even remotely the same as it had been. Looking at it from her perspective, we get along well enough, but just because she’s nice to me doesn’t mean she has any feelings, not to mention we aren’t even the same species. How would that even work? Eventually things would get more... intimate, and there are probably a ton of physical concerns that would go along with that.
Yet through all my rationalizing it still couldn’t be said that I didn’t feel anything for her, couldn’t claim that it was just rampant emotions driving me to take a poorly thought-out action. Why was this the one thing I couldn’t just lie about? Was it because it would mean lying to her, or lying to myself?
Sert was in the process of testing several different magical effects on me, seeing if there would be any kind of counter or reaction from different types of directed magic. The effects he tested were largely harmless, so I didn’t pay much attention to it. What I did notice however was that the hourglass was almost empty. Instead of flipping it as was expected, Sert made a comment instead.
“Looks like our time is just about up.”
Huh? When did he flip it? I was really losing it if I couldn’t even notice something as simple as that. I tried to bring myself back around, focusing on what was going on now. Sert finished his notes and organized a few things before giving some parting words.
“Well James, thank you for your time today, and I wish you luck with whatever problem you seem to have.”
“Uhm, thanks Doc, I'll see you tomorrow, I guess.” Sert gave a dip of the head then turned back to his writings, reviewing what we did today. I proceeded out of the room and back into the camp with the intention of heading to my next appointment for the day. However, once out in the open, I was intercepted.
“James.” I turned in the direction of the voice to see Durdan walking towards me.
I mentally sighed, preparing for something else to just be stacked on top of the mountain of shit that was my life. “Is there a problem, Durdan?”
“No, no problem, I just wished to extend an apology to you for the actions taken against you yesterday. It was a gross violation of trust, both of yours and mine. I thought you would like to know that the captain has had his right to use the activation word revoked and was assigned to clean out the camps chamber pots for the next month, of course that was after receiving a dozen lashings in front of the camp for his insubordination, similar to the punishment our previous warden received. If he takes any other unjustified action against you from this point on, he will be demoted and possibly be turned into a glorified butler for the rest of his days. I had hoped it would not be necessary, but I've also collected a few trusted officers to keep a closer eye on you than they have been passively doing up to this point. You have my word that they will be more proactive in preventing this from happening again.”
I just stared for a moment before releasing a quiet sigh. “You know, Durdan, I've spent time in the company of less than pleasant Thrainians. I’ve suffered at their hands just the same as all of you, maybe even more so. When I first decided to come here, it was with the hope that maybe you would be better company than them. Can you imagine my disappointment then when all I found was more Thrainians?” I don’t know why I was being so candid, probably because it felt like nothing even mattered anymore.
Durdan recoiled ever so slightly, becoming stiff. He seemed to be rather stupefied by my comparison. After the initial moment had passed, his eyes dropped to a very pensive gaze into nothingness. I remained rooted in place for a little while, just looking at him as he seemed to be thinking deeply about my words. The moment had passed, though, and I released another slight sigh before turning and leaving him. I could feel his gaze linger on me for a second before his footsteps moved in another direction.
And so, a puppet of a man wandered through a camp of fairy tales on loosely strung strings, playing his part in the cosmic tragedy of life in which he was the main character. I allowed myself a sad chuckle. It seemed misery makes a poet out of people.
I shuffled past the medical tents to Velshi’s room. Before entering, I paused to take a breath and flattened out my facial expressions. Looking as ordinary as possible given the situation, I pushed my way into the room.
Velshi turned away from a book she was reading to see me standing just inside her room. “James, I...” She stopped mid-sentence and then furrowed her brow at me. I was taken aback slightly by her sudden probing gaze as she looked at me, seemingly right through me. She craned her neck slightly to look behind me, then brought her gaze back. “Did you get into a fight with Kala?”
I blinked a couple of times. “What? What makes you say that?”
“You have that look in your eyes, that sunken gaze of loss, and since Kala is not currently attached to you at the hip, I imagine it has something to do with her.”
When the fuck did you become a mentalist? I just averted my gaze and shook my head slightly. “No, we didn’t fight, she’s just working through some things.”
Her piercing gaze did not relent. “Hmm, sure.” She continued to scan me for a moment before sighing and waving me off. “Get out.”
I recoiled, caught completely off guard by that. “What?”
“Get out, I'm not teaching you.”
Now I furrowed my brow at her. “Why?”
“Because you’re not going to learn anything like that, you’re too distracted. Until you can resolve whatever is going on between the two of you, don’t bother coming back here. You obviously care for one another, so fix it.”
I don’t know why, but I felt completely indignant at the way she dismissed me. My mouth opened and closed a couple of times, trying to come up with an argument, but anything that came to mind just died in my throat. In the end I resorted to pivoting on the spot and storming out.
I stomped around aimlessly for a bit, steaming as I was forced to just kick dirt and sit on my hands. Resolve this? How the fuck am I supposed do that! Might as well have just asked me to successfully negotiate the surrender of the fucking Thrainians while you’re at it!
My brief uproar of emotions died out after a few minutes as it felt like every last bit of fuel was thrown upon the fire. I sat down on a rock and sulked. Was I just going to sit here all day until time forced me to go back to my room? Was I really that pathetic?
The answer was already clear, and it made me feel like shit. About an hour passed with me just going through all my thoughts and feelings on the matter until eventually coming upon a decision. No matter how much running I did, I wouldn’t be able to avoid this. What was happening now was no different than if she decided she never wanted to see me again. If I was going to spend the rest of my days in this world alone, then it should at least be made official.
I got up, feeling like Atlas carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. My mind was in a daze, not even paying attention to where my feet were taking me until I stood at the mouth of the cave back to our room. This place that had been a sanctuary was now feeling more like a descent into hell. With a nervous breath, I began my walk down.
I hesitated for another moment at the door. My heart rate increased exponentially as apprehension came at me with a mean left hook. It felt like an impossible thing, opening a door, yet I had to, if only to confirm my own worst nightmares. Steeling what was left of my willpower, I opened it.
Empty, no one here. My body deflated, feeling both relieved and drained simultaneously. I sat on my cot, placing my head in my hands and rubbing them all across my scalp. Waiting here was almost worse than making the trip itself, like showing up early to your own execution. Though it seemed that I wasn’t that early.
Barely even a minute later the door to the room opened again revealing Kala. I clamed up at the sight of her. She walked with almost practiced steps towards me, each one of her steps met with the thunderous roar of my own heart. She sat down on her bed across from me, back straight and staring directly at me.
I was forced to avert my gaze as I couldn’t bear looking at her knowing what was coming. There was an awkward silence that presided over the room. It was broken when Kala took a deep breath and opened her mouth to talk. It almost seemed to play out in slow motion for me, her mouth parting open to condemn me to an eternity of solitude and I found myself tensing in preparation for the blow to land.
“What do you think of me, James?”
I blinked, taking a moment to process the question. “I... what?”
“I want to know what you think of me, what you truly feel.”
I contemplated my next move, not having the courage to just come out and say it directly. “I... I know it’s not right to answer a question with a question, but I...” She nodded slightly for me to continue, and I took a breath to prepare myself. “Be honest with me. When you first suggested that we go to the coalition, were you planning on betraying me?”
Her eyes widened before becoming sad as she looked at the ground. She sighed. “Yes. But that was before I got to know you, before I figured out how kind you were, that you were a good person.”
I nodded. “Well, if you hadn’t changed your mind, if you decided to throw me to the wolves, I think it would have broken me. You were the first friendly face I had encountered since coming to this world, and while at first it may have just been a comfort to me, I started to get to know you better. I saw the way you pursued knowledge, how you would always be grumpy in the morning, the way you teased me, helped me, made me feel like I wasn’t alone, and above all, you made me feel human again. Just spending time with you made me feel like I could have a normal life, that I could laugh, cry... love. You made whole what this world broke, even for just a little bit. If it wasn’t for you, I would have lost my mind a long time ago.”
She looked unsteady; her breathing was different. I continued. “So, that is what you are to me. I don’t know if it is right, if it would work, or if I even deserve a chance, but I think I lo...” She dived across the gap and wrapped me up in a hug, nuzzling into the side of my head. “Wh-what...?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do when you kissed me. I didn’t want to assume anything when you were in such a state of distress, it felt like I would be taking advantage of you.”
My brain was short circuiting as I processed this. “D-does that mean, you...”
She looked into my eyes with a smile. “The moment you kissed me was a shock to be sure, but it made me realize that I cared about you too, as more than just a good friend. No matter the problems that may come, I want to make it work.”
I found myself trembling with happiness and breathing in such a way that my head was starting to become light. All the tension instantly melted, and my arms were thrown around her as well, pulling her in close. We both remained in each other's embrace. I couldn’t believe it, I was now worried that this was a dream, and if it was, then reality could bite me. I was staying here, staying with Kala, for as long as possible.