Cotton ball-shaped lumps of fluff flew towards each other. They merged into a fluctuating nexus of white, solid-looking steam, which burst forth into a shape vaguely resembling a human; it was a golem made of clouds. A flash of light. Ivor flew backward, an indent in his chest. He had been punched. Blood spurted from his mouth as he bent over, gasping for air. The ring of metal. Klutz was sent skidding back, nearly as far back as Ivor. He had blocked the strike with his Metal stance, but it still carried a huge weight behind it.
Ivor managed a smirk. “Hey Klutz… I didn’t cough up blood just there. I vomited blood.”
Klutz chuckled as Ivor spat out the acid in his mouth. The golem swatted it away, but the viscous acid stuck to its hand, chewing through it. Klutz bellowed out a few words. “Good one Ivor! I’ll take it from here.”
Klutz charged forth, abandoning his stance in a seemingly reckless move. Then Ivor, who had been trying to sneak up on the golem’s controller, got sent flying to the side by a strike from the golem, which had extended its arm to reach him. Ivor’s thoughts sped up. How did this thing pay attention to me? I know I had my attention blocker up. That’s some bullshi- wait, it’s a golem. The controller probably couldn’t respond to that acid himself, so it might punch anything that moves. I’ll throw a rock at it to see if I can cover Klutz’s approach.
A rock flew through the air towards the golem. It shattered, crushed by a ridiculously fast arm of clouds. Klutz began to skid, desperately trying to slow down, but to no avail. Another blurringly fast strike. Klutz ragdolled backwards.
It was at this point in time that everybody in the fight realized their mistake. The COVID zombies hadn’t attacked; they were charging up. A bolt of lightning of humongous proportion shot straight through a tree and into the air. It shattered, raining down on the combatants. Ivor was fine due to his lightning absorption, although this assault caused it to run out of qi to absorb things with, but the others weren’t. The golem jumped backwards and turned into a dome to cover its controller, gaining dozens of marks where the bolts struck. Klutz was a smaller target, but he was still hit four times, once on each of his limbs. He was out of commission.
Ivor gasped. “Oh. Oh no. Oh no fuck fuck fuck shit waesucks dammit fuck crap shit zooterkins fuck what the hell bejabbers curse the heavens gadzooks fucking fuck this fustilarian!”
Ivor dumped fifty pills in his mouth to saturate his entire body with qi, letting his pericardium regain its qi as he ran over to Klutz. “Drain the lightning, drain the lightning. Klutz better be buying me the most treasured beer in the sect after this one. Okay, it’s done - oh screw this mumblecrust!”
Ivor spun around and put up his guard the instant before he was struck by an arm of white fluff. When he looked away from Klutz, he saw that the golem was back to being a golem and that a dozen corpses, likely former zombies, lay smashed on the ground, likely by the white tendrils that were in the process of retracting into the golem’s back. This thing is unfairly strong. I need to get Klutz and run. Unless… zounds, I almost forgot! This lickspittle controller probably doesn’t remember it... that'll definitely work.
Ivor jumped to the right and into the air. A knife sliced through the wind, accompanied by the crackle of lightning. Ivor had thrown it with his left hand; his right was broken from blocking. The golem thrust out its arm to protect its controller, but when it touched the knife, its arm revealed that it had just long ago been reduced to dust by the acid and was being held together because it was part of a golem.
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It sunk into the controller’s head and they died, just like that; they clearly didn’t have high cultivation, so Ivor was puzzled about how their technique worked. Ivor ignored his curiosity, ran over to Klutz, and picked him up, slinging him over his shoulders and carrying him back to the sect.
* * *
“‘Sblood, Worst! Why didn’t you tell me about the MAGIC QANON PEOPLE?! What even… sorry for getting so mad, but Klutz almost died.”
Worst sighed wistfully. “Yeah, I recently found out that we should make the squad size three or higher. Apparently most of the teams we sent out had a casualty, and a third of them were wiped out. On the bright side, though, you get twenty spirit stones for your trouble, ten each! We increased the reward a good bit as compensation for the… casualties.”
Ivor bowed deeply before heading off. What treasure should I get? I’m thinking a vision ability… nah, my liver ability can help with vision already. Well, I can probably just get something to help mix fire and water… so a balancing reagent.
Ivor arrived at the treasure hall and called out to Moldvanna. “I’d like something to stabilize alchemical concoctions, preferably not poisonous, a fire-attribute ingredient, and a water-attribute ingredient.”
Moldvanna nodded wordlessly and ducked down to the cupboards he was standing behind. He slammed a white tablet to the table along with a red and blue leaf before pulling himself up above the white marble counter. “Looking to practice alchemy, huh? I wouldn’t start with mixing fire and water, considering how advanced it is and its… explosive tendencies. I could give you some special materials, say, a docile flame essence, a docile water essence, and a basic yin-yang nexus focus. A spirit stone for one portion of each of the essences, and three for the bead.”
Ivor was pleased by the offer and approached Moldvanna to take the items, handing over four spirit stones. “Sure, I’ll take it!”
At this point, Ivor followed his usual process. First, he cut his bowels and then made a small incision into his small intestine. His liver meridian was burning through qi to balance his body and prevent the pain response, and a gout of ill omens burst out of his small intestine. He inserted the three items at the same time, along with ten pills, and proceeded to immediately regret his decision.
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! WHY DID I DO IT?! BLOODY NORA, I’M A BAWHEED! NO, I’M A BOGGIN BOWFIN DOATY HOWLIN’ GOAK! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
Moldvanna nearly vomited blood in surprise. “Yer aff yer heid, you damn rocket! WHY ARE WE SWEARING IN SCOTTISH ANYWAY?!”
Ivor looked at Moldvanna like he was crazy with his left eye while still showing intense pain in his right. “BECAUSE SCOTLAND IS FUCKING FANTASTIC! GREAT SWEARS! AS SHOWN BY YOU JUST NOW! I’M GONNA START SCREAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHMING!”
Three hours of avid focus later, Ivor had a filled meridian. “Fire and water… don’t mix easily… but I did it. I fused fire and water. Pro alchemist, baby! Although I only did it with a practice tool while balancing it with my meridian but WHO FUCKING CARES?! Not me, that’s who!”
Moldvanna slapped Ivor in the face, snapping him out of his rejoicing. “I know you’re probably going to do that again even if I tell you not too… but you scared off a LOT of disciples, and some even wanted to kill you and steal your shit in my shop. It’s my policy not to interrupt breakthroughs in the shop, but you need a punishment. How about… you clean the floor.”
Moldvanna smirked as Ivor’s eyes widened in horror as he looked down at the dyed black floor and mounds of impurities that he would have to remove.