“Alright Tony I want some acid and some more acid. Preferably the corrosive agent, although I can probably find a way to use hippie for my cultivation; it’s literally called instant zen. On second thought, I’d like two types of magical corrosive agent and some royal blue. I’m not planning on taking any mind detergent, but I bet a bit of potato would be pretty useful for alchemy; I could probably use it to help make a nontoxic calming pill or something.”
Moldvanna facepalmed so quickly there was a sonic boom. “The sect doesn’t sell any white fluff. It would be a disaster if a disciple got a ghost addiction, and no, Ivor, crystal tea doesn’t work in alchemy. In terms of magical acid, and I’m not talking about some sort of qi-infused blue mist, I have four kinds. There’s a fire-aligned one, which is basically more liquidy acidic napalm, there’s an air-aligned one, which turns things into mist, there’s a water-aligned super-viscous one that sticks to things, and there’s my personal favorite: a concoction made by yours truly that ages anything it touches. It’ll rust metal and turn a spry young person into a kid. Of course, it doesn’t actually expend anyone’s vital qi, it’s just visual aging, but even if it only lasts a few days, having the body of a grandparent can be… debilitating to say the least.”
Ivor’s hand went to his chin as he pondered. “I’ll take… the viscous one and the aging one. Yeah, those seem good. Can I also have a medicine to counteract the aging acid?”
Tony nodded. “I thought you’d ask. All in all, your orders come to eighty energy pills!”
Ivor was flabbergasted by the price. “Ei-eighty? Elder Moldvanna, you must have misread something, right? Or maybe you’re on Hawk? No? Alright, I’ll pay.”
Ninety lost pills, a cut to Ivor’s gallbladder, a large amount of impurity-filled black bile excreted through that cut, three ejected gallstones, and no small amount of scarring later, Ivor had his gallbladder meridian filled. “I regret it. I regret that choice with all my heart! God… I blacked out three times. Dammit, I’m an idiot! But how else am I supposed to cultivate? Don’t answer, Tony, that was a rhetorical question. The answer is ‘by not putting fucking acid in my internal organs!’ How did I even survive that? Ah well, enough regret. I’ll call my new ability Grape Parfait! Now Tony, just wondering, do you perhaps have a syringe to inject something into my heart with?”
* * *
Ivor was furious. “Why, pray tell, should I stop cultivating to deal with the situation outside? Because it seems dangerous.”
Elder Worst sighed. “It’s your assignment, Ivor! It’s not optional! I know that the magic COVID is pretty bad out there, but you get a free lightning resistance elixir if you go!”
Ivor tilted his head to the side. “The COVID? Why does that matter here? And what does it have to do with lightning?”
Elder Worst grimly chuckled at Ivor’s ignorance. “Oh… the ‘rona absorbed some qi when it was transported to this planet, and now it’s a hivemind that possesses people and throws lightning. Don’t ask me how, I have no clue. But yeah, watch out for COVID attacks. Here’s the elixir.”
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
After obtaining the elixir, Ivor mixed his last ten pills with it, poured it into a syringe, and stabbed it into his pericardium. “Ah shit shit shit I poked my heart! Dust of fortune dust of fortune!”
Ill omens spilled out of the puncture in Ivor’s chest like water. “Alright, I’m safe. On another note, this feels so satisfying! I’ve never tried any sugar cubes, but I’m still betting that cultivating is better than window glass!”
Ivor waved goodbye to Worst and left the sect in a small group; the only person who went with him was Klutz. “Hey Ivor, I made it into the outer sect! It’s kind of embarrassing to have had to open seven meridians to get in; it might be a bit faster than most, but I have a good cultivation technique! It’s shameful to only be a bit faster than people with a 200-man foundation!” (Author’s Note: Foundations are measured by the number of peak humans worth of strength you’ll have at peak body tempering.)
The land outside Samsara city was filled with scars; burns, cuts, punctures, and small areas that had been totally glassed. Occupying that land was a pack of humanoid figures crackling with electricity. One of them outstretched its hand towards Ivor, firing a lightning bolt from its palm. The brilliant plasma rammed into Ivor’s forehead… but it disappeared, not leaving a trace. “I guess it really was worth it to come here, huh? This lightning absorption is really useful, even if it does take up some qi. Now let’s bust through; all we need to do is deal with the people killing each other. Also, wow, what to do when you're transported to an unfamiliar world? Do you band together and try to not die or try to kill each other. Obviously the latter, because humans are dumb. And in the middle of a magic zombie pandemic too!”
Ivor and Klutz charged forth, Ivor enduring the hail of lightning bolts and Klutz dispersing him with the metal stance of his Five Elements Kata. Ivor quickly reached the lightning zombie things, bringing both of his hands down to smash two of their heads. “Hey Ivor, you’re going pretty fast there! Why did you even bring me along?”
Ivor paused to wait for Klutz, sending three of the zombies flying with a roundhouse kick. “I brought you along because I need someone to watch my back while I’m resting. Your metal stance or whatever it is seems defense oriented, so if we get caught by surprise, you can defend yourself long enough for me to intervene or defend me until I can strike back, right?”
Klutz had caught up to Ivor, slicing a zombie in two as Ivor smashed one’s skull. “You do have a point there. The only issue is that you forgot to ask if I CONSENTED to being your meat shield!”
Ivor shrugged his shoulders as he shoved a few zombies out of the way and advanced further. “Ah well, what’s done is done. Don’t worry, you’ll probably live.”
“Dude, don’t say that shit. It’s a death flaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!”
Klutz had been hit in the right arm by a bolt of lightning. He didn’t die, but he did take a stumble. Ivor pivoted and charged over to Klutz, who was already entering metal stance with his back on the ground. “Dude, you okay?! That looked like it hurt.”
Klutz replied in a grim tone. “The attack didn’t do much damage, but the plasma bolt had some COVID in it. Shit should get incinerated, but NO, it isn’t hurt by its own attacks. Anyways, the virus is reproducing. It’s formed a hive mind; it’ll be able to send false signals to my nerves to control me. I’m doomed unless I get help.”
Ivor reached Klutz before releasing the lightning he had absorbed in an EMP toward the nearby zombies. They collapsed to the floor as the electric signals facilitating the hive-mind were disrupted; the hosts weren’t saved, as their brains had already been overwritten, but the zombies were down for the count. “What do I do, Klutz… oh I have an idea. It might hurt though.”
Ivor used his lightning absorption to absorb the electricity of the COVID in Klutz’ body. The hive mind was disabled, allowing Klutz’s immune system to fight back, although there were some… other problems. “You just absorbed all the electricity in my arm. My sword arm. Do you know why electricity is important for the body? It’s because it makes the nervous system work! I can’t move my arm! Although I guess it is better than death. Oh, more zombies will be coming soon, so let’s move.”