3.05

“This surgery business is highly suspect, you mean to tell me one can cure a stab wound by stabbing them again? Bah. Mortal injuries are nothing that prayer and faith can’t fix.” High Bishop Jackov’s of the Church of Light.

I glared at the neat paper receipt that appeared in my wallet. Several items were listed on it, however, what had my eye twitching was who it was made out to. A certain ‘Yellow’ and ‘Greenie’, ‘familiars of Traveller Dustin’. It was rather obvious who they were, even when I haven’t named them yet.

“Matt,” I extended my arm, receipt in hand. “Where did the mushrooms I give you go?”

He took the receipt from me and began reading, chuckling slightly as he passed over the names, before quickly interrupting it with a cough, “Well you see,” he paused as if considering what to say.

“I lost them,” he conceded.

I felt the corner of my eye twitch again. Anger, frustration, those weren’t productive, so I took a deep breath and packed away whatever I was feeling. I raised an eyebrow, “Ok then.”

Noam smiled, “It’s only a minor setback isn’t it?”

“It is,” I readily replied.

Peps glanced at me, then towards Noam, lips pursed as if unsure, then seemed to just drop whatever he was wondering.

“That reminds me,” I continued, looking at Peps, “I haven’t paid you back yet.”

“Oh it’s fine,” Peps replied, shaking his head, “it’s just healing, all it took was some mana.”

“No, no,” I cheerfully replied as I circled next to Noam and slung an arm around his shoulder, “I insist.”

I smiled, “We’ll pay you back Peps, we both will wouldn’t we?” I directed to Noam more so than Peps.

“Umm…” he hesitated for a moment, before I quietly kicked his leg, “Ow- I mean, yeah!”

“Errmm…” Peps hesitated a moment as well. “Not to sound rude, but didn’t you just go broke?”

I smiled, cheerfully reassuring him, “Oh, don’t worry about that, money is easy to make, we’ll need your help for a bit longer though.”

Noam raised an eyebrow, and I continued, “Think Noam, how many healers did you see at that brawl?”

His eyes brightened in realisation, “Oh!”

“I’m a bit lost…” Peps hesitantly admitted.

“It’s simple,” Noam started as I let go of him.

“How many people do you suppose escaped in the same condition as us?” I casually finished.

Realisation dawned on his face, “Ohhh.”

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‘Fucking crazy, all of them,’ Murphy thought to himself as he limped away. He munched on a potato and felt his flesh regrowing itself, potatoes, however, were a poor cure for stab wounds.

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Some part of him registered that he should be in much more pain than he was, but the better part of him was just thankful that whatever pain limiter this realm had was working, or maybe it was his weird race, said to be extremely hardy in all conditions. Whatever the case, he was grateful he made it out of that shitshow relatively ungrazed. Murphy wasn’t sure what had taken over the people at spawn, but they were madly killing everyone they could see for no discernible reason.

Murphy shuddered as he remembered a blue devil person yelling in glee as they sunk a spear thing into his shoulder. ‘Fucking crazy,’ he mentally repeated. The moment he stepped into Gaia, he had met nothing but crazy people. Murphy turned a corner and slowly made up his mind. He was going to quit, it didn’t matter how realistic Eve sold her world to be if said world was full of crazy psychopaths-

“Hello!” Murphy heard a cheery voice say. “You look like you’re umm… Injured?” the voice hesitantly pointed out.

Murphy looked up, to see a tall, lanky dude completely made of wood, with an afro of leaves, and a walking mushroom about his height with weird bark growths on his cap and the most horrific looking facial expression.

The source of the cheery voice, the mushroom, continued, “Well if you need healing, this guy,” he gestured towards his companion, “is a druid with some good healing spells.”

The druid smiled amicably and gave him a slight wave. “For the small price of… let’s say three gold, we’ll get you all fixed up!” the mushroom continued.

Murphy stood completely still, then angrily muttered, “What is this, highway robbery?”

The mushroom seemed taken aback for a moment, before quickly shaking his head, “No no, I assure you that we are completely legitimate and would’ve already robbed you if we wanted to.”

Murphy felt the corner of his eye twitch, as pure rage began to build up within him, “You little shits…” he angrily muttered, “You know what I just went through?”

“I just got fucking electrocuted, stabbed several times, almost got roasted alive!” Murphy said indignantly, his voice slowly rising in volume. “And this! This is what I meet immediately after I finally managed to get out!?”

“Umm…”

“I don’t want your excuses!” Murphy yelled.

He began walking forward towards them, his rage building up to immeasurable proportions, “To think that I would meet such an amateurish attempt at profiteering! What are you!? Some fifth-graders opening their first lemonade stand!?”

“Uhh, what?”

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I watched, utterly dumbfounded as the short, stumpy potato man thing kicked a bench.

“First off! Location!” he angrily yelled, “We’re in an entire empty mall and the first place you pick is location backwater! What are you!? Blind!?”

I glanced at Peps, who appeared as utterly dumbfounded as I was.

“Secondly! Presentation!” he walked up to me and slapped me, “get that damned horrific look off your face! You’ll only scare off potential customers!”

Did he just? He just slapped me. I knew my face was odd but that really warrant getting slapped?

Not even caring of my indignation, the potato thing was already walking away, he pointed three stubby fingers into the air, “Thirdly!”

The potato man continued to mercilessly scream flaws at us like a drill sergeant. Somewhere along the line, I felt a pop inside my cap as the small mushrooms returned, but remained speechless as the potato just kept chewing us out for failing to scam him.

What felt like an eternity later, the potato finally paused for breath, “Did you get all that!?” he demanded.

At that point, I was long past shock, so I numbly nodded. Funnily enough, the two mushrooms on my shoulder mimicked the action.

“Very well!” the potato yelled, he enthusiastically pumped his fist into the air and began walking away. “Hurry up! There are idiots to be scammed!”

Peps lightly tapped my arm, “Did he just…” he whispered questioningly.

“Yes,” I drily replied, “our first customer has taken over the business and has employed himself to a managerial position.”

Step one, create a mass demand for healing services. Step two, offering healing services for gold and clout. Step three, get taken over by our first customer?

Not that I minded that much. I sucked at a leadership position and given how brazen that guy is I could use him as a scapegoat if all went south. Yes… that potato was an unorthodox piece but a piece nonetheless.

I just had to make sure he wasn’t handling the money, leaving someone red-handed with the bag of cash was overrated.