“Okay,” Aida said blankly in response to Ezra’s pronouncement. Why was he acting like that? She agreed with him - it made sense to understand how she got here in the first place. But he was treating her as if she disagreed with him. “Where should we start?”
Ezra’s eyes flickered, and pain flashed across his face before he was coolly composed again. The voice that came out of him was firm and controlled, regal and unbothered.
“To be clear, I am saying understanding how you arrived in this world should take precedence above all else. Therefore, until we know the effects of your presence…I do not believe we should continue our dalliance.”
“'Dalliance?’” Aida repeated, hurt welling up within her. Her fears that had been simmering under the layer of rationality for so long burst forth in a vengeance, but she managed to keep it from overwhelming her. “Where is this coming from?” she hated how her words sounded so weak, so frail; but all of her strength was already spent holding back the sob that was pushing its way out of her throat. “Why can’t we just do what we’ve been doing, but search for the answers together?”
Ezra’s eyes glittered, but the rest of his face remained composed. “We could do that. But my worry is that your arrival is linked to the unprecedented monster outbreak, and - though I do believe it is not deliberate on your part - in order to restore the balance of living, perhaps your departure is required as well.”
He waited a beat before continuing, though this time misery cracked his composure. “If I were to be frank, I…I don’t have faith I would be able to wholeheartedly commit to our relationship, and then give it up if I were to one day discover the solution to Wyndia’s troubles are as I fear.”
“What if…what if you didn’t search so hard for the answer?” Aida asked desperately, her voice trembling. “Can’t we just…enjoy our lives together? For good and bad?”
Ezra’s eyes were hooded. “…I am afraid I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did that. My honor compels me to do my best to ensure I’m not actively engaging in anything that could harm or exploit others. And…if I were to build a life with you…I worry I would not give the research about your origins the diligence it deserves.”
Aida bit her lip, feeling her arguments fade away. He hadn’t been explicit about what his family was like, but the little he had revealed - which matched up with her observations of his brother Jasper in Shale Port - had certainly painted their family as ruthless when it came to running their business and maintaining power. If she hadn’t gotten to know him first, understood and accepted his tenderhearted nature, she would have wondered how someone like him could have grown up in such a cutthroat family and not given in to the more reprobate nature of businessmen.
But given Ezra’s firm value to live a principled life…she couldn’t ask him to forsake his morals just to have some stolen moments of happiness for her.
“So, you’re saying…through no fault of our own, we just can’t—” Aida choked, unable to finish her words. Ezra let out a shuddering breath.
“I’m afraid not.”
The classroom blurred around her as she let out a gasping sob. “And - what if you find that my leaving is not the solution to the outbreak?”
“Then…I would ask to marry you, though I understand if you did not wish to wait.” Ezra’s voice cracked, matching his blurred outline.
Aida backed away numbly, reaching for a chair to support her weight as her legs gave out.
And this time, Ezra didn’t reach for her.
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Just like how the beginning of their short-lived love story was a blur, so was the beginning of her newfound singlehood. For the first time since she could remember, Aida’s numbness to her situation was actively detrimental to her performance.
Being numb was usually a good thing. It allowed her to operate smoothly and smile blithely at people she would love nothing more than to shout at, be the perfect picture of compliance. But for some reason, this numbness was interfering with her daily operations.
Her reaction time was noticeably slower. Physical Training and Meditation classes were a blessing - they allowed her to just focus on one rote task, which took her mind off of her last conversation with Ezra and also helped mask her distraction. Every other subject, however, was risky. Whenever any of the instructors or Affiliates directed questions her way, she had to ask them to repeat their queries as her mind churned through what they were asking, trying to decipher their meanings.
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
She realized she had a problem when Kozu decided to speak with her after Combat class on Loam day. He had brought out a tea set and poured two mugs of tea before she realized she was alone with him in the training ring, absentmindedly rubbing what felt like a bruise across her ribs. He gestured for her to join him on two stools he had set out.
“There have been rumors going around,” he said after they both took a sip. “I’m not going to ask you about those rumors, since I don’t think it will help - unless you want to talk about them, of course - but I will ask: what are you doing to recover?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I can guess at what’s bothering you, but I don’t want to prescribe any solution - skies know I am not an expert at this kind of thing - especially if you’re already working on something. If you’ve already identified a solution, and all you need is time, then we can go our separate ways after we finish this excellent tea. If you’re not sure what you need, then I am happy to be a listener, and maybe we can figure out something that can help get you back in the river, so to speak.”
Aida sipped at her tea, embarrassed at how casually he had just called her out. “I didn’t realize my distraction was that obvious.”
“No, you wouldn’t.” Kozu smiled faintly at her. “People who are thrown out of harmony typically wouldn’t realize it. And I would normally let you settle on your own, learn through personal experience, but when Havi started expressing concern I realized it was worse than I thought.”
“Havi said something?”
Kozu sighed into his tea. “I know you two don’t get along, but believe me when I say he does care, even if he’s abrasive about it…to a certain extent, at least.”
Aida rubbed the dust out of her eye. Normally, she would have thought discussing her love life with a teacher would be weird...but Kozu had always been kind to her. “I think this is something that only time will solve. But I know I don’t have the luxury of time to sulk and mope. I guess that’s why I’m…feeling so lost? I don’t really know how to return to normal.”
Kozu was silent for a moment. “If I may make a suggestion?”
Aida nodded dully.
“Based on your mana flow patterns, it seems like you are actively trying to distance yourself from…yourself. Your mana is going along with the regular mana in the environment, but you aren’t making a conscious choice to allow it. It just…is getting dragged along every which way.
“This phenomenon - where one doesn’t necessarily lose control of their mana, but also is not in control - is most obviously seen in warriors who have witnessed unspeakable acts. Their teammates suffering gruesome deaths, for example. Being forced to execute someone whether out of necessity or mercy.”
Skeptical, Aida nodded, if only out of respect for Kozu. I'm pretty sure heartbreak isn't trauma...
Kozu’s tone was gentle. “However, warriors aren’t the only ones who are known to separate from their mana. Practitioners who have lost their loved ones are the next most prevalent group to separate from their mana.”
A long silence drifted between the two of them. “Of course, I’m not presuming to know anything about your life. I’m just noting that your current mana flow is matching with those who have experienced great loss.”
“Thank you for letting me know,” Aida said softly. But what do I do with this information?
“As you said, time helps,” Kozu said, seeming to read her thoughts. “And as I am not qualified to help you with whatever may be affecting your mana flow, I realize my lecture may be seen as frivolous. However, I just wanted to let you know that I have seen practitioners I would classify as undeniably strong individuals be afflicted with mana separation. It is not something to be ashamed of, in case anyone tries to shame you for it.”
Kozu’s well-meaning words felt empty, irrelevant. It’s my own fault for not anticipating this happening. Nothing to do with being strong or weak. I put myself in a position for heartache.
If she had just said no, as her mind had convinced her when he first put their relationship on hold, committed to her plan to just focus on improving Aida’s life, never tilted Levi by getting in a relationship with Ezra, never had to tell anyone else the truth, then things would be as normal. Her friendships would be fine, she’d have her support network as she griped about Healer Vega and tried to find a job…everything would be simpler.
“One last reminder I’d like to give,” Kozu said, interrupting her thoughts. “Memories can be beautiful or bittersweet; but one thing I think we are both aligned on is that they don’t help with focusing on the current objective. Do you agree?”
Kozu’s words percolated through Aida’s mind before burning through the webbing that trapped her within the bounds of her thoughts.
That’s right. Punishing myself won’t get anywhere. I’m just wasting time feeling sorry for myself - time I don’t have.
“Is there a way to make it easier to focus?” Aida asked softly, half joking. “Or a way to make the pain stop?”
“I wish there was,” Kozu said, raising his mug to the sky. “Bruce has a whole lecture on how not feeling emotion is the standard we should strive for in order to achieve perfect balance, but I think that’s a bit too far. Emotions, memories, all those are good and can help counteract opposing emotions…if we feel no emotion, well, wouldn’t we be dead? Of course, there is no denying emotions are quite inconvenient sometimes.”
Kozu drained his mug before setting it on the tray with a light clack. “In a way, I wish I could have allowed you more time to come to terms with whatever you’re grieving about on your own. But as an instructor at Maglica, I am also pressured to make sure our students - especially our third years - are presenting their best. On the other hand, I have faith that you are strong enough to surpass this struggle in your life, so I don’t feel too bad in pushing you to move on.” He gave her a half smile. “You’re also late for Havi’s class, but I’m sure he’ll be relieved to have you back with a bit more focus next cycle. Shall we do some more of the blind targeting drills? Make up for the lost time this past cycle while you were disconnected from your mana?”